A New Life
by emalieth
Summary: Kakashi and team 7 escape from a dungeon with the help of a frail slave. They bring her back home without knowing that deep in her past lies a secret that is tied to the history of Konoha. Kakairu switching to kaka x OC. Warning: Violence, torture, gore, character death.
1. Chapter 1: Yatsuko: The Slave Child

**Author's note:**

 **Hi everyone! First, I need to confess one thing: I totally dislike fanfics featuring OCs. It's a real** t **urn-off for me. I feel kind of bad and hypocritical writing one myself, but what we write and what we read don't need to match I guess! So I apologise for writing one of those…**

 **The reason why started this fiction was to help me deal with the difficult and often cryptic relationships I lived in the last two years, but also with the hard times in general. Those years have been violent, I lost many friends, some of whom died, but also grew from rich and intense experiences. The storm has passed, but I have still to understand what happened to take life-changing decisions, so I just keep on writing.**

 **This means that, in a way, I am opening my heart to you guys… so thanks for the read!**

 **Warning: Yes, there will be violence, even torture, it might even reach rape further ahead. It's rated M for more than just smut! It's a hell of a ride and I won't back up!**

 **Other warning: Writing this I also needed to cope with the friends who died in real life, so there will be character deaths. Among them, there is at least one major character. It won't be a breathtaking surprise when you'll read it. As I did in real life, you'll see it coming and be able to quit before it happens if you can't bear it.**

* * *

 **Chapter 1: Yatsuko: The Slave Child**

"Yatsuko, stop daydreaming you useless girl and go clean his cell!" the prison master said with a clear impatience, "And you don't need to feed him!"

I knew that for the prisoner in that cell, this was the equivalent of a death sentence... a slow one.

"Y... Yes, master," I answered.

I grabbed a water bucket and I waited for the master and his guards to leave the area.

Then I saw him.

The bucket of water fell to the ground with a loud thump. My whole body was stunned, totally unable to move. It took me several minutes before I could finally breathe again.

"Kakashi!"

-ooo000ooo-

 _I remembered the day he arrived here. Our soldiers had come back with bloodied uniforms, something that practically never happened. All evening, I had listened to the conversations between soldiers trying to understand what could have caused such a massacre, but apart from the capture of three shinobi, nothing had really gone wrong. I was curious to see what the new prisoners were like. They must have been real brutes to be able to do such heavy damage to elite soldiers. There were rumours that two of them were quite young and that the trouble had mostly come from the older one. I had tried to picture them in my head. One of them must have been a fat giant with spikes all over his body, the other a cruel demon with fire red hair, another probably had fangs…_

 _The next morning, I filled the bowls and was ready to bring food to the prisoners. As I passed in from of the cells, the men got agitated. They kicked the bars, shouted insults or whistled at me, but I was used to it that I was quite indifferent. Most of the prisoners were rough and would certainly have jumped on me if they would ever have been given a chance to. It was easy to convince myself that these prisoners belonged there, but the ones that had come in last evening were clearly different._

 _First, there was this yellow haired boy who was arguing with the man in the cell in front of him. He immediately stopped when I had brought him the food. At first, he looked at me with defiance but finally feasted on the stew as if it were the fanciest meal. He even thanked me, which was a startling. The boy was around fifteen or something like that and looked mostly uninjured. It felt strange to me to think he could have been part of the group that caused yesterday's commotion, but I knew there were only three new captives and I had never seen him before, so he must have been one of them._

 _Six cells further there was a girl with soft pink hair. She was calm and reserved. When I passed in front of her, she raised her head. There was a strange compassion in her gaze as she looked at my bloodied restraints. I knelt and placed the food where she could grab it. She slowly walked on her knees and grabbed the food._

 _"It must hurt," she asked still looking at my ankles, let me heal you..."_

 _I was stunned._

 _Those two captives didn't belong in prison, it made no sense. They seemed to be too kind to deserve to die here. I had to go to the end of the corridor to finally reach the cell of the last captive. He was in the high-security section. At least, there was a true monster among them! The door was opened and the master was waiting outside. This spelt torture session and I_ wasn't _too keen on seeing it. I went away and made certain all the prisoners had their rations then came back to the cell. The master was leaving._

 _"Only water for him_ Yatsuko _, he said, if he's nice, we might give him a bit to eat later. Close the door when you're done."_

 _I took a cup and some water and walked slowly toward the cell. I was anxious because I had often been attacked by the prisoner held in that section. I was expecting a horrible beast with dirty claws or something like that, but the man I saw there was nothing like that. In fact, he looked rather harmless. His face was mostly hidden. The wet silver hair fell in thick strands over his forehead protector which in turn was half falling over his left eye. Under all of this, he wore a black mask. Despite the fact that he wore a unrevealing standard Konoha uniform, I could see that he was muscular but thin. He truly didn't look like the kind of person who could kill a whole army like he just almost did. In fact, he even looked pretty weak._

 _They had beaten him hard for what he did. The blood made shiny wet patches on his sweater and pants and had reached the cold concrete floor pooling around his feet. His wrists too were bloodied and were tied up over his head. The chain was slightly too short and his heels barely touched the ground. He must have been the strongest by far to deserve such a treatment._

 _He finally made a raspy sound._

 _I brought a bowl of water_ to _him. I was about to pull down his mask when his only visible eye shot open. I immediately backed up. Although he was restrained there was no telling what he could do to me given the chance, but for some reason, I wasn't really scared. He looked at the ground as an apology._

 _"It's water, I said trying to gain his trust. That's all they have allowed me to give you. Do you want it?"_

 _I knew he was in pain, but he did not complain. He simply nodded._

 _I slowly pulled his mask down and offered him some water. He drank it all. There was no anger, no revolt in his gaze, only a calm seriousness._

 _"What is your name?" He asked._

 _It was the last thing I had expected. Usually, I was either harassed or ignored, but those three shinobi were not like our usual prisoners. With a_ tint _of shyness in my voice, I answered:_

 _"_ Yatsuko _... and yours?"_

 _"_ Yatsuko _, he said pensively, like slave child?"_

 _"Yes, like this."_

 _"Mine is Kakashi."_

 _He was silent for a while, then continued._

 _"I came here with two other shinobi, a boy and a girl, have you seen them?"_

 _He was probably their leader, that is why he had made so much damage compared to the two others. He seemed to be protective and like them a lot. I knew that even with the lack of corporeal punishment, the prison was a horrible place to live. I grew there, so I knew well how uncomfortable those cells were. It was so cold and humid that people would often die before there was even a need to kill them, but I couldn't bring myself to tell him that._

 _"Don't worry about them, they are fine, they did no touch them. It seems they are mostly after you."_

 _He sighed in relief._

 _"Thank you_ Yatsuko _," he answered with something that looked like a faint smile._

 _I pulled the mask up again and quickly exited the cell._

-ooo000ooo-

The following days I realised that they really were after that Kakashi. It was not about what he knew, but about making him pay for what he did. That morning when the master had asked me to clean up, I had expected to see a terrifying scene. I had heard loud screams coming from his cell which was very unlike the soft prisoner. They had lost patience and had decided to get to him the hard way. I felt a knot in my chest.

The bucket of water laid on the ground.

"Kakashi…" I repeated, uncertain of if it was to get his attention or to vent the painful feeling that was building inside of me.

He couldn't stand on his feet anymore and had thrown up blood. They had torn his shirt away and his whole torso was covered with deep cuts. He was breathing heavily. I took a small medicine flask and put some of it in his water, then walked back to his cell. I tried to make him drink some, but he would take none of it. All of his muscle shivered from the intense pain he was still feeling. In fact, he was in such pain, I could almost feel it myself.

I put the bowl down on the floor and pulled a lever in the far corner of his cell. The chains unwound themselves lowering gently on the floor. As his knees touched the ground, I heard a sigh of relief. Then, his body slowly lowered on the hard concrete floor until he laid on his side. I delicately took him in my arms and brought the bowl to his lips. He took a sip then stopped suddenly looking at me with wide eyes. He had tasted the medicine. At this point he probably thought I was poisoning him out of compassion or something alike, so I quickly took out the flask from my kimono, just enough for him to see it.

"It's medicine, don't worry, you can take it."

To prove him I was sincere, I drank from his bowl

"See?"

This time he drank the whole bowl.

I remembered the first time I met him, I had expected to see a monster, but, now that I could see his whole face, he was rather delicate and gorgeous despite the scar that split his face across his left eye. At first, I thought he might be missing an eye or something as he always left it closed, but what I saw was even more interesting: his eyes were mismatched. One of them was a dark stormy grey while the other was a bright red. He was like nothing I had ever seen before. He was gorgeous in the wabi-sabi way, his beauty emanating from his very imperfections.

Definitely, his hitai-ate and his mask did not do him any favour.

As he finished the bowl his eyes closed with relief. The medicine was already starting to act on him.

"Thanks," he said.

"It's the least I can do," I said leaving him to clean the rest of the room. He calmed down. When I finished cleaning up, he was sleeping deeply. He was exhausted. I wish I could have left him there for a while, but this was longer than it was safe already. I knelt beside him and woke him up.

"I am sorry, I said, I really need to wind up the chains now."

I was already standing up.

"Wait!" He said. I let his voice echo in the room before I knelt back beside him.

"Thank you for all that you are doing for me, but don't risk too much. It will be bad for you if they figure out..."

I stopped him. So he was thinking of me despite all of this…

"I am already a ghost, I answered, death would be a relief."

I could see it was not the first time he saw pain in other people. He felt compassion but no pity.

"Sorry Kakashi, I will need to get you back up before they notice."

"Please go ahead," he answered his voice a bit stronger than before.

I went away and pulled the lever. I heard a faint gasp coming from him, but nothing more.

All along, I felt as if he was more concerned for me than his own sake. I only understood why when I saw his gaze follow the trail of blood I had left behind me. I had gotten used to it with time, but the shackles I wore around my ankles were often soiled with blood to the extent that I would leave a red trail behind me. I felt a deep sadness in his eyes, but I couldn't acknowledge it, so I merely smiled and went away.

I couldn't sleep that night. I knew that the feeling I had about this place was right. The evil ones were not only behind the bars, but also in front... It had just happened that up until now they had only brought in the petty criminals, but who knows who they would threaten and rob outside of these walls.

-ooo000ooo-

In front of them, the captive shinobi would keep his proud and defiant gaze but, whenever we would be alone together, he would close his eyes and breathe heavily. Invariably, I would let him lie on the ground taking the longest time to clean up his cell. Then, I would feed him and let lukewarm water flow over his body. To make certain he wouldn't get cold I dried him with a clean towel. He weakened at a fast pace as each day they would push the limits of torture further and further.

I started to feel a compassion and even admiration for him. I didn't want him to die that way. At some point, it became too much to bear and, one day, I just dropped in tears in front of his limp body. When he saw this he looked at me with a pleading smile.

"Yatsuko, this is the life I chose, don't be sad for me..."

"But Kakashi… this is disgusting. They want you dead. There is no rational reason for making you go through this. This… is just plain sadistic revenge!"

"I know," he answered simply.

I gathered myself and went on with my routine. From that day onwards, I would heal him no matter if I was asked to do it or not. I would bring him food from my own meals to make certain he ate well. I took good care of his teammates too. He had to gain back his strength because one day he would get out of there... Even if I got caught and died, at least my life will have been truly meaningful at least one.

-ooo000ooo-

A couple of days later, a group of stormy prisoners were brought in. If given the chance, they would throw a tantrum into this place. It was time to do it.

I went to Kakashi's cell and pushed a small key in his hand.

"Take this and wait for the right time to use it, I said in a low voice. Something is preparing here." There was a glitter of hope in his eyes...

I dropped a shirt with a dark mask in a corner of his cell making certain he saw it. Under it, I hid an old and chipped kunai.

"I'll unlock the doors of your teammates and tell them to wait for you. Be sure to wait for the sign, we can only do this once!"

"And you, how will you get out?" he asked.

"Don't worry about me, just leave as fast as you can!"

I knew it would be the end of me, but the end of what life? Probably a completely worthless one... at least I could give them a chance. I passed food from one cell to the other making certain that the yellow-haired boy and the pink haired girl saw me put a piece of cardboard between the latch and the strike. I just told them to wait...

I felt a heavy stress come over me. Knowing that the end was coming was more stressful than I had thought. I took some time for myself. I looked at the warm sun filtering from my window and put a new kimono on. I knew that it wouldn't be suspect to my masters since, in a place like this, I could get soiled anytime. I relaxed for a while enjoying the pleasure of being alive.

When I came back, the prison was noisy, incredibly noisy. People were fighting and screaming through the bars of their cells... exactly the kind of energy needed to create a diversion.

I passed in front of Kakashi's cell and without even looking at him, slightly opened the door. Then, I took a big breath and opened door after door running from one to the other. The prisoner's just rushed out sometimes even hitting me in their attempt to escape. When I finally reached the last door, I looked back. Kakashi's cell was empty as were that of his teammates. I had done it. They must be safe now. I knelt in the hallway surrounded by running prisoners.

It took no time before the guards arrived, my master right behind them. The guards fought and killed many of the weak and starving men while the master stood in front of me.

"Did you do this," he shouted with his impressive voice. "Where is the white-haired prisoner? Answer me!"

He was threatening me with his sword. I just bowed my head, waiting for the blow that would hopefully quickly end my life, but I felt something pass between us. It was Kakashi. He had come back for me. I saw his tall silhouette all dressed in black. In his hand, a blinding ball of white electricity. The chakra released from it created a small breeze around us.

"Kakashi… but, why?" I said with a visible pain in my voice. He did not turn back, or answer me.

I got up on my feet and ran past him in an attempt to force my master to kill me. If I was dead, he would be forced to leave...

I threw myself under the blade. I felt a sharp pain over my shoulder, but as soon as it hit, I felt a hand on my wrist, dragging me back. The blade sliced my shoulder as I was pulled away, but ended its blow on the ground. In a quick flash, I saw my master pieced by the silver light. Kakashi turned back to me.

"Leave!" I pleaded in despair.

"Not without you. He answered, I am not the kind of person who lets his friends die!"

I could not get up anymore. I felt as if my body would split in two. He took me in his arms pressing the injured shoulder against him to force the edge of the wounds closer and ran away. His breath was heavy with short spasms due to the pain he had undergone, but he was still fast enough that he could avoid being caught by the overloaded guardians.

After a few minutes, we landed near a tall rock hidden by the dense forest, just under it, the two other shinobi waited. Kakashi put me on the ground and then rolled on his back breathing heavily.

"Sakura please stabilise her condition," he said before turning his head to me. "Yatsuko, do you have anywhere to go? A family? Friends?"

I shook my head.

"Then you are coming with us to Konoha, we'll take care of you there."

I felt tears rise in my eyes. I couldn't believe the trouble they were willing to go through for me.

"No, I can't walk, you are already injured and exhausted. I would slow you down," I pleaded.

"We owe you this, said the pink haired girl, you helped us out of there."

"Yes, without you, we'd be dead," said the boy with yellow hair.

"Thank you," I replied in a low voice. The pain was growing in my body.

The kunoichi bandaged my shoulder pulling hard to make certain all held in place, then she went to Kakashi.

"I can't carry her, but I'll heal you as much as I can. Naruto, watch out, tell us if they come close..."

"I'm on it!" he replied.

I looked at Kakashi's face. It was hard to figure out what he thought now that he had his mask on, but his eyes were softer. I felt in security. My vision went blurred and I fainted.

* * *

 **Thanks for the read. I hope you liked it.**

 **I truly want to improve so please help me grow and review!**

 **P.S.: I'll try to do my best to update once a weak… so if I know you are reading it, it will give me some pressure to stick to deadlines ;o)**


	2. Chapter 2: Kakashi: The Will of Fire

**Chapter 2: Kakashi: The Will of Fire**

As I looked at the window of my hospital room, I saw the sun filtering through the deep green leaves of the trees of Konoha. It felt great being back home. I felt sore all over, but without that girl's help, it would have been something else entirely.

At the same time, I felt strange about the situation. If Naruto and Sakura had immediately accepted the spontaneous gesture, I felt uneasy at how easily I had brought Yatsuko back with us. If my mind would have been working, even only a little bit, I would have questioned in depth the possibly dire consequences of bringing her to a hidden ninja village. I doubted that she really could be on an infiltration mission, but her captors might want her back. After all, she probably held secret information. You can't live in a donjon like this for such a long time without at least learning a few things… I tried to convince myself that it was only fair to help her (that was what made it look like such an obvious course of action for Naruto and Sakura), but there was something more and, as annoying as it was, I couldn't put my finger on it.

For example, why did I bring her here? Just leaving her in a nearby village in the care of some trusted friends would have been more than enough. So why did I bring her in a shinobi village of all places?

 _Some part of me felt she belonged here._

I had seen it in the way she cared for me, but also in how she reacted to the changing situation around her. Despite having been a slave all her life, she was able to think for herself. She wasn't a shinobi, but she possessed a surprising inner strength, a will to fight for what she believed was right. Could it be that what I sensed was the _will of fire_ burning in her? Maybe, but the more I thought about it, the more it looked like something else was behind this…

 _…_ _some part of me wanted her to be here._

I felt something for her. Nothing like love, of course, but I wanted to be there and be the one to give her this new chance at life. I wanted to see her grow and become part of this place. I saw a great potential in her, something I didn't want to miss out on, while not exactly understanding it either...

It was deeply annoying.

I heard shouts in the hallway. It was Tsunade. The heels of her shoes made loud noise on the waxed hospital floor. She was pissed. Then, I saw Yatsuko. Like a little devil, she was running away from her. The girl's knotted hair and that long hospital shirt made her look like a savage child. It's only then that I realised how thin she was. Her kimono would hide her legs and arms, but in that simple shirt, it was obvious that she had been malnourished... I remembered how she would bring extra food for me when I was under her care, it somehow made me feel even more guilty for her...

She was in a dead end. The doors at the end of the corridor where my room was situated were locked. She did not see me, too concentrated on fearing the authoritarian tone of Tsunade.

I looked at her, curious about what she would do now that she had no more issues. She turned her back to the door, thinking. Her eyes were alive, looking at every possibility, any potential exit. Her small muscles tensed. She would try to find an opening and slip through Tsunade's guard. It wasn't a bad move given her situation. It's not as if she knew any justsu or had explosive tags on her. She could only rely on surprise and speed.

I was captivated and couldn't wait to see how this chase would end, but Tsunade was reaching the true end of her patience:

"Kakashi, speak to her!" she shouted.

At the sound of my name, Yatsuko started to search for me. I had watched her long enough. It was about time I rescued her from Tsunade's wrath.

"Oi! I see you are recovering well!" I said with a smile. Her eyes found me. "You have nothing to worry about. This is Tsunade-sama, she might look like a monster, but I assure you she is not."

I could see Tsunade rage inside.

Overall, Yatsuko looked like a prey. It would be hard to get her out of this mindset. I wanted to pull her into this world with something meaningful, something she wouldn't forget. It's Tsunade who gave me the opportunity to do it.

"Will I have the pleasure to learn your name dear?" she asked.

A name! This was a good way to start a new life, I thought. I quickly answered for her:

"It's Hiroki-chan."

Yatsuko didn't protest, she just smiled.

"Hiroki-san, welcome to Konoha!" Tsunade greeted her with a warmer tone of voice now that Yatsuko was obediently standing still. "Kakashi told me of your exploits. We owe you one it seems. Thank you."

Yatsuko's gaze dropped to the floor as she slightly blushed. Tsunade continued:

"This brat here is one of the strongest shinobi of this village. He will take care of you until you fully recover from your injuries, but also until we make certain no one is after you. Then we'll decide what to do with you."

"Thank you Hokage-sama."

She indeed knew how to answer to superiors, but seeing her like that crushed my soul a little – I liked that rebellious side of hers – Tsunade, however, was totally fine with that.

"You are welcome. Now Kakashi, the hospital is quite full. I'll let you take care of her until you are fit for duty again. When you both get your clearance you can leave. See you tomorrow for the check up."

She went away.

Yatsuko was still in the corridor. I could see her small body weakening by the minute.

"Please come here, will you?" I gestured for the empty spot on my bed. "I'd like to have a chat."

She pushed herself from the wall. She did not look stable at all as her thin legs barely supported her long enough for her to reach my bed. I pulled her up on beside me. She stared at me with questioning eyes. I knew what she wanted to ask.

"Your name meant slave child… It carries all your past with it. But you are not a slave now, and I'll make sure you'll never become one again…"

I saw a hint of emotion in her eyes, like a glimmer of hope.

"But why 'Hiroki'?" she asked in a soft tone as if she wanted to make certain that I wouldn't think she disagreed with my decision to rename her.

"It means something along the lines of 'artful helper' or 'skillful rescuer'. You saved us, that is why I would like you to be called by a name that reflects this. But we can think of something else if you want."

"No, Hiroki is fine, thank you!" she had this pure and genuine smile that reminded me of Iruka's.

"Then Hiroki it is!"

I looked at her for a while. With what I had seen today, I was certain she could make a fine shinobi, but would it be the best place for her? Saving oneself was one thing but actually killing people and seeing comrades get killed was another thing. Still, it was worth giving a try. I put my hands on her arms. They were so thin. She was almost no more than a bundle of bones.

"By the way, thank you for what you did for us. You sacrificed yourself…" I said.

Unsurprisingly, she immediately refused the praises.

"No, no! I had no life to look forward to... It was only the right thing to do... and you saved me!

She would need to stop diminishing herself like that tough if she wanted to survive as a shinobi, I thought with a smile.

"Still, you were brave and clever... and you saved our lives. Let me pay back that debt by giving you a second chance at life."

She looked at me with curiosity.

"It's a shinobi village here, a place of war. You will be exposed to the same kind of violence you faced in the prison. At a lesser degree maybe, but this place is not perfect. So, I want to give you the choice. I know many people outside of here. I can help you find a place where you could live peacefully with lovely people that would take good care of you, somewhere I'll be certain you'll be happy."

I saw the worry raise in her eyes. I knew already that trusting people would be a problem with her. I could understand why, but at the same time, I knew that this discomfort would only be temporary. If she could trust a killing machine like me so easily, she would probably open up quickly to new people once she had met them. I went on:

"This is only one option. There is a second one."

She looked at me intensely. I felt as if I was the only thing in her world. It was kind of scary.

"You can stay in Konoha. However, I won't lie, if you want to stay here, you will need to work incredibly hard. You will need to become a kunoichi, fill missions, and maybe fight wars. I know you have it in you if you want it and I'll be around to protect you and do all I can to make sure you are safe, but it can still be a dangerous and painful life. This is why you don't need to take a decision right now. You'll have the chance to explore and figure what you want for yourself."

Her expression changed completely.

"I… could stay?..." she said with a new hope in her eyes.

"Yes," I said ruffling her hair as I did with my own genin. "It would make me happy to have you around, but we'll see in time what you feel is best."

"Thank you, Kakashi," she replied, her voice becoming barely a whisper. I felt her shoulders shake slightly. Then her whole body became lifeless.

She surprised me by fainting so fast, but I was able to keep her from falling off the bed at the last minute. I laid her down beside me and watched her sleep. She was just exhausted; she would be fine. I could have called Tsunade, but I didn't want to let her go. I just wanted to watch over her. I picked up a book and read feeling the warmth of her small body beside me.

"All will be fine," I said as if she could still hear me.

-ooo000ooo-

An hour later, Sakura entered the room.

"There she was! What is she doing here Kakashi sensei," she said in a reproaching tone.

"Maa, Tsunade left her with me and she fainted. I didn't know what to do with her since, if I would have brought her back to her room myself, you or Tsunade would have broken all my ribs for not resting in my bed, so I let her sleep here."

She looked at me suspiciously.

"And no, I did not read her Icha Icha as bedtime story if it's what you are fearing. She has almost been sleeping the whole time since Tsunade left."

She sighed, then relaxed a bit.

"Sensei, let me look at your injuries"

Sakura signed my discharge, but for Hiroki, it would have to wait. Since she had fainted so suddenly, she wanted to keep her under observation for another few hours.

"Sakura, there is somewhere I need to go. Will you be able to keep an eye on her personally? It would be nice if she could see a known face when she wakes up again…

"Of course! If all is well, I'll sign her discharge at the end of the afternoon. See you then!"

I had a few things to prepare at home if Hiroki was going to live there for a while, but before that, there was a certain chūnin I wanted to see…

-ooo000ooo-

 **Sorry, this chapter is mostly setting things up. Next chapter is a lemon to reward you guys for your patience...**

 **Thanks for reading!**


	3. Chapter 3: Kakashi: The Academy Teacher

**Chapter 3: Kakashi: The Academy Teacher**

Whenever I lived strong emotions, or couldn't understand my feelings, I would go to Iruka for comfort. I would kiss him all over, caress every inch of skin and take him until we both lost grip on this world. Well, sometimes Iruka was not available and I needed to find someone else, but it never worked as well as with the caring chūnin. I did not realise how systematic this had become until Iruka himself made the remark:

"Well, not that I am really complaining about it in any way…" he smiled, "but how come a prodigy like you can't figure himself out without being in someone else's arms? I mean, most of the time, when you come to me, you make no sense whatsoever and then, after we've been together, it looks like you could figure out the answer to every mystery of the universe on you own!"

"It's you Iruka. You have this effect on everyone. You should know that by now, "I replied casually. "Although, thankfully, you use a different method for them, just look at what you do with children. Day after day, you take little whining snot manufactures and transform them into full fledged shinobi. That's a real feat!"

"Yeah, yeah… but my students actually learn the lesson at some point. You… don't seem to really ever learn and I need to teach it to you all over from the beginning every time…" He paused. "You know that's not really what it's all about, don't you?

"Maa… I know… It's just a bad habit I developed in ANBU, I guess…" I had answered to minimise the awkwardness of the truth he had just thrown at my face.

He had smiled.

Behind the mask of the composed and cold thinking Copy-nin, the tension and the emotions would accumulate so intensely that they always threatened to overflow the barrier of my sanity. Iruka had seen through me and had understood a long time ago that having sex was the only tool I had to deal with those.

When I arrived at the academy, Iruka was there, correcting his students' exams while they were away for lunch. Smoothly, I landed on the window frame and entered the room.

"Oi! Long time no see, Iruka sensei!"

As usual, the brown-haired teacher seemed barely surprised.

"Same here Kakashi. What is bringing you here in the middle of the day like that? This isn't your usual time…"

"I missed you," I said with a mischievous smile.

"As if you ever had the time to miss someone!" he replied with a nagging grin.

Iruka dropped his pen and placed the pile of papers neatly on the corner of his desk. The classroom was empty… and really quiet.

"I heard it went pretty bad… your last mission."

I saw the worry in his deep chocolate eyes.

"Maa, I wanted to tell you before you heard the rumours, but I guess I am late again. It wasn't that bad..." I said trying to avoid the details, but it wasn't like Iruka to let go that easily.

"They tortured you."

"It's fine…"

"For days!"

"It's fine, I tell you, I got taped all over by Tsunade."

"Show me…"

I smiled.

"Truly, it's not that bad."

Suddenly, his voice rose and the teacher spoke:

"I said, show me…"

I was defeated. I unzipped my khaki vest and raised my shirt as high as it would go revealing the bandages barely hiding spots of purple skin.

His brows twitched a little. Iruka's eyes following the curves of my torso. I was wondering if he could feel the pain, see the knives slashing through my skin, hear the sound of my ribs breaking…

So, they did torture you a lot… his tone was soft but worried. He seemed to switch his concerns from my body to my mind.

"How do you feel now?" His sweet eyes looked at me inquisitively.

That gaze, it made my whole body shiver… Better than any Icha Icha novel for sure! How was I to ignore that! I realised I had wanted to discuss Hiroki, I needed to seek his approval, his advice. I needed just to tell it to someone who wouldn't judge, but all those pure intentions went flying out of my mind.

"How long until they come back?" I said looking at the kids playing outside.

"More than enough," he answered.

I always had a weak spot for Iruka but Iruka had never wanted me into his life.

Our arrangements were limited to being friends with benefits. It was not what I had wanted from him at first. I had wanted him all for myself, I had wanted to spoil him, just like he deserved, but Iruka wasn't into that kind of exclusive lover relationship. He liked his freedom. He was not the kind of person to have a new guy in his bed every night, sometimes he'd even spend whole weeks without it, grading papers, reading or going out with friends, but he liked being able to say no or yes to any occasion.

At first, I was distressed, but now I was fine with it. He never said no to me anyway… even on a day like today half hiding in his classroom with the threat of any student or work colleagues coming in.

I put my nose in his dark brown hair, his arms closed around my body. It felt good to be in the company of Iruka. He had this perfect mix of kindness and twisted playfulness. At work, I was a jōnin and Iruka only a Chūnin but, for this kind of play, we were evenly matched. He could listen to my body in a way no one else had ever done and, despite my injuries, I knew I would feel no pain.

I removed his hitai-ate and pulled his hair band putting it on his wrist. It didn't matter anymore that we were in his classroom where anyone could discover us at any time or that my body was sore all over or that my mind was a total mess because of what had happened the previous week. His smell was slowly overcoming every barrier. Kami! How much I wanted him!

I pulled down my mask and violently pushed my lips on his. He chuckled as he returned violence for violence pinning me to the wall.

"My classroom, my lead!"

I honestly didn't care. The lust in those sweet brown eyes could destroy all my resolve in one instant. Holding my wrists to the wall with his hands, he inserted his chin between the collar of my vest and my neck leaving a trail of soft kisses. I tilted my head away to give him better access, my senses getting wild. We were already breathless, looking at one another as if we hadn't done this in years. One of his hands left my wrist and went under my shirt carefully moving around the bandages, while his hip pressed right into my hardness. I clenched my teeth to avoid that loud moan that begged to escape from my lips.

His other hand went tugging at the bottom of my shirt. I rose my arms over my head so he could help me out of it and helped him in return.

The beautiful caramel skin and the strong muscles ripping underneath sent shivers in my groin, but I had barely the time to look before he pushed me on the wall again.

"Kakashi," he whispered with an urge in his voice.

I caressed his lower back slightly inserting my index under the elastic band of his pants and grinded my own erection into his. His knees buckled a bit and I had to support his weight for a while.

"I missed you too," I said sliding my finger over a perky nipple. He arched in my arms while letting out a silent moan. Kami, I wanted to fuck him senseless and make sure he couldn't walk for days, but Iruka was still at work…

I pushed our pants down and grabbed both of our throbbing erections in my hand. I started going up and down at a slow pace looking at Iruka for approval. He quickly pushed his tongue between my lips. He wouldn't come without at least a little fighting. The kiss became deeper and bolder making me loose the rhythm for a moment.

I felt a tension building and started to impose a faster pace. Iruka was forced to let go of my lips pressing his forearms in the wall behind me to hold himself up. His head pressed heavily in my shoulder as his panting grew louder. His hips thrust forward in an attempt to get more, sending bolts of pleasure that made me partially lose my sight. The slight sweating made the scent of his hair come through.

"Kakashi, I think it's... faster! Faster please!"

His hushed voice sent me over the edge. I took in a deep breath, but my body completely forgot how to breathe it out. The tension was raising and raising in our bodies. I think I let out a small cry...

Iruka slid his arms between my back and the wall holding me tight as if I would disappear, then our semen mixed as it splashed over our chests. We both fell on the ground.

We laid in the far corner of the classroom totally spent, breathing heavily over each other's body. When I was in his arms like that, I could deceive myself into thinking we were lovers… that I was truly the only one. I felt my heart break a little.

"Not bad," Iruka commented barely able to speak.

"I did not completely lose my time coming here," I answered with the same irony.

He finally got up and went to the small sink situated in the corner of his classroom and cleaned himself with a towel before putting his shirt back on.

"Kakashi," his voice had lost his playful tone. "I can tell there is something on your mind…"

He threw the wet towel at me.

"Of course, what did you expect? It's not as if I could deal with my problems like a proper adult. I am just one of those mad jōnins after all."

I heard his soft laughter.

"Unfortunately, my lovely little hellions will be back soon," he said with a sigh. "Time is up for now."

He quickly got back his composure, checked his uniform re-combed his ponytail and as if waiting for him the bell rang. He helped me put my sweater and vest just like an overgrown student then his nose touched mine.

"You know you are welcome to my place if you want to talk it over Kakashi… You are welcome anytime."

He closed his eyes and looked down. He hid his pain well but I have known him for too long not to notice. He was worried for me.

"Hey, Iruka, we're back and the kids are fine. That's all that really counts," I said smiling.

I just wanted to hug him and tell him how I loved him but I didn't. I couldn't.

I zipped my vest and posed one more kiss on his lips before raising my mask. He passed his hand in my hair as if he could really discipline the perpetual mess living on top of my head and went back to the front of his class in a joyful stride.

How could he be so quick to get over something like this! Just for that, I was wondering if he wasn't a jōnin in disguise!

I stood and followed him to the front while his first unruly students arrived. Iruka was smiling and asking how the recess was remembering what each kid's plans were.

Seriously, how he could look as if nothing had ever happened was beyond me.

As I got out of the room, a kid bumped into me.

"Kakashi sensei… I-I am so sorry!" The kid blushed and ran to his seat. I smiled at him.

At the academy, the kids had a worship for jōnin. Going there was just like being a celebrity. I made a small hand sign to Iruka and left.

From the corridor, I could still hear excited children exclaiming: "Iruka sensei! You know Kakashi sensei! You are amazing!"

If only they knew what just happened in the back of their classroom mere minutes ago! I thought to myself laughing.

::

When I arrived at the gates, I was surprised to see Tsunade.

"It took you some time, brat!"

I blushed a little. Did she see any of it? Maybe she was just wise enough to stay away while we caught up with each other.

"Anything I can do?" I asked as if I hadn't just sexually assaulted her best teacher in a room that was now filled with kids.

"What are you planning to do with Hiroki?"

"Me? Isn't it supposed to be you who takes that kind of decision?"

"Kakashi, you have been watching that girl a bit too intensely. I would find it hard to believe that you don't already have plans for her. You are so excited about the child that it's not as if you'd follow any of my orders anyway."

"You are right, I probably wouldn't," I said trying to hide with my best bored tone how ashamed I was that she had seen through me so clearly.

"So, let me ask you again, what are you going to do with your new toy, Kakashi?"

"Maa, she wants to stay here… I guess I wanted her to try being a shinobi a little…"

She laughed.

"Try being a shinobi? A little? No Kakashi, you know already that she will be a strong shinobi, otherwise you wouldn't have bothered with her. Admit it!"

"Am I so transparent?" I said dodging a direct answer.

"When you can't even look like your usual bored self about something, yes."

Shimatta I thought to myself. I really was too interested in her to be careful about anything.

"After what you went through brat, I think it will be good to look forward to something positive. I'll assign her to team 7 for a few D missions. Nothing she won't be able to do even with her injury. The other two will complain, but they need the rest. We'll advise after."

She walked away.

Definitely, the other two would complain, especially Naruto. I had a headache just thinking about it! But I was also certain they'd be understanding. But why was Tsunade so confident in my judgement? Had she seen something too? I was clearly running on instinct here and I had failed to rationalise it yet. I could be totally wrong, for all I know.

"By the way, Kakashi, show her around a bit and try to get her out of her social phobia, will you? It's kind of painful to see!"

What was I getting myself into?

::

 _ **I went over this chapter last night and really felt the need to soften it a bit. Sorry!**_

 _ **As usual, thanks for reading and please R &R!**_


	4. Chapter 4: Hiroki: A New Home

**Chapter 4: Hiroki: A New Home**

It was already dark outside when Kakashi came back to the hospital. Sakura threw a stern glare at him.

"See, told you! He's always late!"

I chuckled at Sakura's temper. She wasn't even trying to contain her annoyance with her sensei. This was an indication of how lenient he was. If I had ever told anything like that in front of a superior, I would have been killed instantly! But Kakashi didn't mind, he just fabricated a lame excuse on the spot:

"I am sorry, but I saw a kitten in a tree. We had a discussion on the meaning of life and I lost track of time…"

"Kakashi sensei, drop it!" Sakura's eyes rolled deep into her head. He must have been giving out stupid excuses to her quite a lot, I thought.

We left soon after that. I had been given some standard issue pants and shirts until I could get real clothes and Kakashi seemed to have gathered more things for me in the bag he was carrying on his shoulder. We walked side by side. It was a warm summer night. I wasn't used to walking outside. The wind caressing my face made me smile. I had no clue of what my life would be like here, but people seemed to be nice and caring.

"You look happy, Hiroki. I like to see that smile on your face," he remarked.

I am," I simply answered.

We haven't spent that much time together yet, but I already realised how different he was from the man I met in that prison cell, the one I thought I knew. Back then, he was soft spoken, compassionate, caring and fiercely protective, but also extremely cautious and smart.

Here, he looked as if nothing in the world could make him care about anything.

The first word Tsunade sama had used to describe Kakashi – before even using the term _shinobi_ – was _brat_ and it took me no time to understand why. He called the chief of his village a _monster_ and seemed to be acting pretty lame with Sakura. Even the nurses, some of them who looked highly infatuated with him, had a taste of his attitude. He was plain rude with everyone it seems, everyone but me.

That day would probably come, but for now, I was grateful.

In a way, I was happy he was so different. In the prison, I had felt drawn to him, his strength, his resilience and his cleverness. I think I felt something like love… It's not as if I had expected him to reciprocate it in any way – I was almost nothing compared to him – but I was happy (no, probably desperate would be a better word!) just to tag along. Now that I saw him behave in his own environment, I couldn't connect him with what I had seen of him before. He was an interesting character, but he was someone else…

Yet, under the layers of clothing hiding him, his apparent laziness and bored look, I secretly hoped that the prisoner I had helped, the one that had shaken the very foundation of my beliefs, was still there, hiding.

But then, why would he be hiding?

I think he noticed how my mood had suddenly darkened but he didn't ask why. He simply smiled, ruffling my hair with his hand. At first, it had been unsettling to be touched – I was so used to being beaten up – but after two or three times it felt kind of nice. I liked the feeling. I liked it because it came from him. I tried to carve this moment in my memory as we silently walked toward his home.

::

His was a tiny apartment containing only the bare essentials. He showed me around, but in less than two minutes the tour was done. I had seen the rooms of some soldiers at the citadel and I had expected his to have at least as much as they did. Although some objects spoke of happy moments, like the two pictures above his bed, the rest of his apartment only reflected the austerity of the ninja life.

He dropped his bag on a futon laying in the corner of a small empty room.

"Here is your room, he said. I know it's kind of small and everything is so close here that it doesn't allow for much privacy, but it's only temporary. We'll find you a proper place eventually."

 _Temporary_ , I loathed the word. It was as if he was thinking of getting rid of me before even letting me in. Despite how the remark had stung, I knew deep down inside that there was no way around it: I would have to stop relying on him at one point. He continued:

"I tried to gather as many personal effects as I could think of, but tell me if anything is missing, we need to go shopping tomorrow anyway. You have some space to put your stuff here, he said pointing to a chest of drawers. You can unpack while I feed the dogs…"

"The dogs?" I answered a bit puzzled.

"Oh… Are you ok with dogs? They are ninken, they are well trained. I am certain they'll love you."

The dogs I had seen had all been trained to kill and were pretty nasty beasts, almost like wolves but Kakashi had told me about them in such a light tone that I was certain I would be surprised. Not knowing what to say, I simply smiled.

"By the way, the landlady cleaned and repaired your kimono. It's in there already," he added while getting out of the room.

I took a good look at my new bedroom. Like every inch of his apartment, it was quite dusty.

I could see easily the clean patches of floor from which the furniture had been moved away in a hurry to make space for me. The apartment was in order, but the amount of dust that had settled told me that he might have been away from it for longer than just his last mission.

I took the bag he had left for me and opened the drawers. My old kimono was there, perfectly folded, the fuchsia and purple pattern seemed brighter than I remembered it. The orange obi was right beside it complementing the new colour. I placed the content of the bag carefully into the drawers and got out of the room.

I had heard the dogs making noise in the adjacent room, but I hadn't expected to see anything like this. The place was suddenly swarming with furry beasts playing together, wagging their tails. Most of them were relatively small except one that must have weighed four to five time my own weight. Kakashi was buried in the pack laughing as one of the dogs liked his face. I was surprised to see how playful he could be. He had been serious or sarcastic most of the time, but this moment made him look more humane.

"Come Hiroki, I'll present you the rest of the family!"

We spent the rest of the evening with his overexcited children.

::

When I awoke the next day, Kakashi was gone, but he had left the small pug with me. I rolled out of the too comfortable futon and made my way to the main room. I looked at the place again… it looked even worse in daylight! This wasn't simple neglect, it looked as if no one lived there at all! Pakkun and I took our breakfast together, then I started to clean up. All the while, the small dog kept me company telling me random anecdotes about the village. Despite the small size of the place, it took me over an hour. The grime was hard to remove in some spots, but once it was cleaned the wooden counters and floor took a lovely golden colour. In my childish heart, I was so excited and hoped that it would make Kakashi happy. I imagined his laughter and his warm hand over my head. I had exhausted myself by doing this and my shoulder started to ache badly. I went back to my futon. As soon as my head touched the pillow, I fell into a deep sleep.

::

"Hiroki?"

I sat straight up on the futon, wondering where I was or if I had done something wrong. It took me a while to realise, I was at the apartment. Then the pain shot through my shoulder. I winced.

"Hiroki? Sorry, didn't know you were asleep," he knelt beside me. "Are you all right?"

I nodded, but he knew better…

"May I look at your shoulder?"

What I did after was a reflex. I reached at the bottom of my shirt and started to pull it up. I heard a gasp and then his hand was on mine, stopping the upward movement. When I looked back up, his eye was opened wide.

I felt cold all over. Fear was taking hold of my body. This sudden reaction, this rough gesture… I backed up to the wall bringing my knees against my chest. I looked down and immediately felt a tear roll on my cheek.

"Sorry," I said. My voice was trembling and so was my body. I felt pain crashing over me. My chest tightened and it became more and more difficult to breathe. There was a voice screaming inside, expressing a visceral need:

 _Don't leave me!_

He knew something was wrong but had no clue why. He hesitated.

"No, **I** am sorry. I tend to forget you were still a slave just a few days ago. You did nothing wrong. It's my fault… Please, forgive me."

He extended his hand to me.

I wanted to answer, but there were no words. Someone asking for my forgiveness… I had never lived anything like this. A feeling of guilt submerged me, but he was proposing to get over what had just happened. It would be foolish to refuse. I just took his hand and let him help me get on my feet.

"I'll just look through the collar of your shirt and help your wound heal faster. Is that ok?"

I nodded. What had I done? I had pushed him away with such a strength that he now was scared of getting close. I felt so bad, so miserable.

I was brought back from my thoughts by a warm feeling on my shoulder, a comforting sensation. Kakashi's hand was not even touching me, but it felt like the sweetest contact ever. My eyes automatically closed as I felt a relief that extended beyond physical pain. When he stopped, my whole body was calm and rested. He looked concerned but said nothing about it. He just changed the subject:

"Thank you for cleaning up. You really didn't have to but it was about time someone took care of it. I think the floor was about to grow legs and walk out of here!" he said scratching the back of his head in embarrassment.

"By the way, sorry, I wasn't there when you woke up, but I received a quick mission in the middle of the night. I truly didn't expect this to come so soon. I don't know how much I will be present. So you might be on your own a lot. Can you cook for yourself?"

"While at the citadel, I worked in the kitchen… I had a hand in most of the food you ate back there." I answered.

"That's a truly rare skill among shinobi, I can predict you'll have lots of friends here. I'll leave money for you so that you can buy the things you need."

I looked down. It was a preoccupation that I had totally forgotten about. He would have to pay for me, for everything I might need. I had no clue how to make money. For me, the concept had always been so abstract…

"Hiroki, just so you know, the hokage is giving me extra money to care for you, so this is not a problem. In a way, this money is yours."

His eye curled conveying his hidden smile.

"All right! Put your kimono on and let's go eat something."

::

He brought me to a beautiful place with individual rooms. I was delighted looking at the traditional scrolls hanged on the walls. I had never seen any picture scrolls where I was. Probably because the place was so humid that the would have rotten in no time. Seeing how puzzled I was in front of the menu, Kakashi ordered for both of us. As soon as the waiter went away, he pulled down the fabric covering his face.

"Well, you are probably the only one in this village who saw what is behind that mask, so I can eat freely with you… but that is our secret!"

From the time we spent together, I had seen that he wasn't someone who talked much in public… or even in private! Except for that moment with the dogs, most of what he had said was either functional or meaningless, so I feared it would be an awkward and silent meal, but on the contrary, he was clever and it was easy to hold a conversation with him. However, like his body, his soul was well hidden. He didn't open up much. It was obvious that he was more comfortable making others speak. It was almost impossible to know what he was truly thinking, but for some reason, I could still get glimpses of him. I was slowly starting to be able to read through him. The most obvious was when he spoke of our _temporary_ arrangement. He kept on saying that… that it would be _temporary_ , but I had a strong feeling that it wouldn't, because every gesture he did, every decision he made was slowly and firmly pulling me into his world. The word _temporary_ was simply there for me so I could "opt out" if anything was unsatisfactory or if I wanted something else for myself. I was beginning to understand that he didn't truly want to let me go, but he would accept it if it was my decision. It was reassuring in a way.

The food was delicious. I always ate the leftovers of the prisoners. I could taste the food served to the soldiers and the elite, but it was nothing like actually taking the time to sit down and eat it. The table was covered with small dishes: miso, sushi, tempura, rice… and many more dishes I had no name for. I wasn't used to eating so much and I felt full way too early, but I knew it wouldn't be the last time I'd eat food that tasted this good. Kakashi poured more tea in my cup.

"Tomorrow, I have a mission with Sakura and Naruto. It's nothing really glorious, but I'd like you to tag along."

It was a scary prospect; I was always considered a nuisance by my superiors. It seemed there were no words that could even start to express the deception felt by the people who ever had to supervise me. I knew Kakashi wouldn't hit me like they did, but I felt a sting in my heart at the possibility of deceiving him too.

"Me? Wouldn't I be a bother?"

"Not at all. On the contrary, you'll help us finish the job early… They'll be happy to have you around."

I wasn't so convinced.

"If I can then…"

"You definitely can!" He became serious. "The truth is, I don't want you to be stuck alone in a creepy apartment of mine forever. I'd like you to become part of team 7 and be able to follow us on missions. I know you have the potential and I think you'll like it..."

He stayed silent and looked at me for a while as if listening to my silent answer.

"Maa, it's starting to be late. Let's go get something to fill that empty fridge of ours!"

He put a bill on the table and stood up, ready to go. He sighed when he saw me looking down again.

"Remember Hiroki, it's your money. So we might as well say that it's your treat!"

I could feel the nagging grin under his mask. I got up and followed him.

"Kakashi... thank you for everything you are doing for me."

"Maa, that's all fine, I am happy to do it."

We walked out.

::

 _ **I spent** **waaaaaaay** **too much time on this chapter. I don't even know why I found it so hard to write!**_

 _ **As usual thanks for the read and review if you have some time!**_


	5. Chapter 5: Kakashi: Mirror Images

**Chapter 5: Kakashi: Mirror Images**

Yes, it was an impulsive and stupid move to bring her to a hidden village, but looking at Hiroki laughing like a kid with Naruto and Sakura in the dirty sewer, I knew it was the right thing to do.

I had been unable to protect Rin, I couldn't avoid Obito's death, I had lost Sasuke to hatred and revenge, but, for once, I felt I could do some good to the people around me and stop the curse. I have been called Nakamagoroshi no Kakashi – Kakashi the friend-killer – and I still believe that I had somewhat deserved the title, but that time had passed now. For years I had refused to grow from the experience of the loss of the people who meant everything to me and kept my eyes closed in pain, but with team 7 I finally understood the lesson.

"Obito, Rin, Minato, I hope that through them I can make it up to you at least a little."

A loud shout brought me back to my students:

"Naruto! I told you a thousand times to watch what you are doing!"

Naruto had accidentally splashed Sakura to which the insanely strong kunoichi answered with a powerful punch sending him flying several feet away. Hiroki first looked at Naruto in panic, but when he got up and started to wine, she giggled.

It was supposed to take a good part of the day but at 11:00 we were already finished.

Hiroki I realised was an incredibly hard worker. Strangely, that made me feel some kind of pride. I had this warm feeling in my chest just at the idea of having her in my team. It was stupid since I hadn't taught her anything yet, but she was now my genin, just as much as Sakura and Naruto, and I was really excited to present her to everyone…

Well, I didn't care that much about everyone, the one I really wanted to show her to was Iruka. It was intuition again, but I felt those two had more in common than that disarming smile. They were made to be friends. On top of this, I knew Iruka could touch the heart of even the most quiet and hidden persons and could probably help her catch up with the academic training she never had. But, more than any practical reason, I wanted him to approve of my decision, to see what I saw in her and to confirm I hadn't just been a thoughtless and impulsive child.

That is why I took the whole team with me at the mission room to bring in an exceptionally early mission report.

"You three in the back, don't move an inch further!"

That was the greeting my genin team received from the temperamental chūnin.

"Kakashi! What were you thinking! Who is going to clean up after you!" he scolded.

"But Iruka sensei, I just wanted to show her the place... It's her first mission." I said with a sheepish smile.

"And washing yourselves after sewer duty has never crossed your genius mind as a good idea Hatake san?!"

This was bad, he never EVER called me that. I knew I should have asked the kids to just go take a shower, but that would have meant disbanding the team and I wouldn't have had any reason to bring her here anymore.

I felt myself sulking.

Iruka stopped shouting and stared at the back of the room. Hiroki's wide eyes spoke of how terrified she was. Normally I would have reassured her right away, but I knew Iruka would flinch soon and swallow his anger.

It took him only a few minutes to stand from his desk and walk to Hiroki throwing at me a killing gaze on the way.

"Oh, so you are Hiroki san. Please to meet you! I am Iruka. Thank you for risking your life for them. I am not certain the taller one really deserved it, but thanks anyway."

She chuckled. That was usually her answer for every kind gesture, so I thought that the discussion would stop there, but she startled me by answering to him:

"Iruka sensei! You are Naruto's academy teacher! I am happy I got to meet you so soon!"

All of a sudden, the whole room fell silent as disturbingly identical smiles greeted one another.

It is, unsurprisingly, Naruto who broke the silence:

"Eeeeeeeh?! Iruka sensei! Hiroki chan! You truly look like siblings!" he exclaimed, his words spoken with a loud happiness.

Now the centre of attention, Hiroki and Iruka both scratched the back of their heads and looked down, perfectly mirroring one another. The silence and Naruto's comments had confirmed that I wasn't delirious.

I had to kick the kids out now before Iruka's bad mood came back:

"Go clean up guys, ramen is on me this evening... Iruka sensei, wanna come?"

"Sure, I'll be happy to celebrate the fact that you all came back safe!" he answered.

"Sakura, still ok with our deal? Is 7:00 late enough for you two?"

The girl nodded.

"See you then." I waved to them.

Iruka and I watched fondly the genin leave the building and got lost in our thoughts for a while.

"So you got a new child?" Iruka said grinning.

"Come on, she's not a child. She's 22… What d'you think about her?"

"She's... interesting."

He said that with a mischievous smile.

"What is it?"

"Very interesting..."

"You are toying with me sensei. Tell me, what is it that you see?"

The chocolate eyes were burning with malice.

"Not telling you... not now. But I like her," he said pensively looking away at the faces of the hokage carved in the mountain beside us. When Iruka was like that I knew that his sensitive mind had found some kind of hidden psychological truth that he still wanted to put to the test. I didn't know if I was happy or terrified about that. He switched the topic:

"And you? What's that 'deal' you made with Sakura?"

"I told Hiroki chan that I wouldn't take care of 'girls' things', so Sakura is going shopping with her this afternoon… She owes me one. I caught her preparing a nasty prank for Naruto and I promised I wouldn't tell."

"No! and you are letting your students get away with things like these."

"It's good to see them thinking of one another as friends, not jus as shinobi. Anyway, It was very funny to see him fall for that trap."

I smiled as I remembered the frightened face Naruto made as he was buried under tons of fake explosive tags.

"You are an evil one, Kakashi."

"I know."

::

For once, I was on time. I had no clue how Hiroki would take her shopping experience with Sakura. Since she had arrived in Konoha, it was probably our longest time apart. Iruka was already there a bit overwhelmed by a talkative Naruto.

"Oi!" I said waving to them.

Naruto stopped his rambling looking at me as if he had seen a ghost:

"Kakashi sensei?... Y- You are on time?"

I took a seat beside Iruka.

"Well, there was a damsel in distress to help, but Gai beat me to it… you know how he is."

"Great! I am happy you are on time, I am staaaaarving!"

Iruka laughed. The boy truly couldn't resist saying everything that was on his mind.

"Be patient Naruto, it's not even 7:00 yet!"

It took no time for the girls to arrive. I heard Sakura's voice right behind us:

"Hi, Kakashi and Iruka sensei! Hi, Naruto!"

I pushed the curtain aside to take a look.

I had expected many things, but not that…

 _Rin_.

It was the first thing I thought when I saw her. Iruka must have seen the same thing because he threw a worried glance at me. I forced a smile to reach my visible eye, but inside I was petrified. For a second, it felt as if I saw a ghost. The tangled mop of dark brown hair had been cut jaw-length and was now fully straightened framing her round face and her teal eyes. In the semi-darkness of the place, she looked frighteningly similar. Her body was thinner due to the harsh life she had lived, but now that she wasn't wearing her over-sized and old-fashioned kimono, I could see how her silhouette matched Rin's. I was shaken, but I had to speak:

"Hiroki, you looks terrific!... and you, Sakura, did a wonderful job!"

And it was true.

Sakura did more than simply dressing her up, she had highlighted Hiroki's rapid recovery, both in her body and her soul. When Hiroki lived at the dungeon, her face had been puffy with all the mistreatments they inflicted on her. She wasn't ugly, but her face always looked slightly uneven and rough. And in her eyes… there was always that lingering pain caused by all the misery she saw daily. I stilled remembered how she limped in her restraints and looked like a trapped animal. Today, she wasn't perfectly healed, but a radiant smile was on her face most of the time. Most injuries had healed since she arrived here, but now we could truly see the sapphire hidden inside.

Hiroki was not a child anymore, but a gorgeous, although timid, young woman. With her unkempt hair, she had looked closer to Naruto and Sakura in terms of age, but now that she was dressed up, it truly showed that she was not that much younger than I. That fact made me feel slightly less comfortable about having her under my roof, but it was too late to change it, so there was just no point in thinking too much about it.

Iruka moved one spot away from me to leave a place for Hiroki between us. He probably assumed that after this long afternoon, she would feel more comfortable being close to me. At the same time, I could see he wanted to talk to her, to know her. I wasn't the only one who saw something in the girl. I kept silent as I casually looked at them. Iruka was working his magic. She opened up to him as if he had been an old friend. I was happy to know that she hadn't been disgusted by the morning's chore and that she liked Naruto and Sakura a lot. It had been a good day for her and I was glad about that. I couldn't believe it would take so few things for Hiroki to bloom like that. Apart from a few short glances she threw at me to make sure I approved, she looked completely trusting and happy. Her transformation over the last few days had been spectacular.

But looking at her dark hoodie and her soft short hair, I felt my heart ache… I couldn't help it. I had hoped for so long for Rin to be still alive by my side as if I had never killed her. I had hoped that someday we would get over Obito's death together and not feel so alone anymore… and here was this girl that looked so much like her sitting right beside me... Hiroki was smiling, eating her ramen as if it was the best food in the world and I was behind her, like a dark shadow that would eventually bring all the pain of the shinobi life, the pain I had myself lived, in the happy existence that she could have had if I had only let her become a civilian. Some day there would be blood on her and this would be because of my selfish decisions. I wasn't protecting her at all. I saw Rin's face, her wide eyes and the blood dripping from her mouth. That could be her fate too…

Then I saw something. Iruka's arm went around Hiroki's back patting her lightly. She leant toward him and they both were under the bright light of the ramen stand. I felt a kind of relief. Iruka would be there for her and pull her away from the shadows. For one moment, I even hoped that he would pull her away from me. Seeing them together, with his arm on her shoulder, I knew that if I couldn't keep her safe, he would.

We walked back to our homes dropping Sakura and Naruto on the way. Iruka followed longer, he still talked to Hiroki. I could see he liked her, that he wanted to help her. I knew she would become his student by default. We arrived at Iruka's house and said our goodbyes. It was faint and quick, but I could see the remains of worry in Iruka's eyes when he looked at me.

I just smiled dismissing his concern before leaving.

I was grateful for the mask I wore because I wouldn't have been able to hide the whirlwind of emotion I felt from her. She wasn't as much like Rin as I had first thought, she was pretty in her own way, but it was close enough for me to be startled when I wasn't careful.

I couldn't get rid of it; the scorching pain eating at my insides. I felt sick and miserable. It's as if her mere presence was pulling all the agony I had felt for years outside of it's confined space in my heart to a place where it could truly bleed and hurt.

 _Nakama goroshi no Kakashi…_

I couldn't allow myself to feel like that and even less with her in my team.

"Kakashi…" Her voice was hesitant. She had noticed how silent I had become.

"Kakashi, are you all right?"

::

 _ **Sorry for the abrupt ending, but this chapter became twice as long as I expected it to be and I truly want to upload something every week for you guys! So I decided to split this one in two.**_

 _ **Thanks to those of you who left reviews. It motivates me to try do my best and not write the kind of junk that I write when I am writing only for myself. Just this in itself is a nice learning experience!**_

 _ **Take care and thanks for the read!**_


	6. Chapter 6: Kakashi: Coming Back to You

_**Felt guilty about not finishing the chapter last time so this one is early!**_

::

 **Chapter 6: Kakashi: Coming Back to You**

I pretexted a mission, but instead, I went to see the dead.

I needed to see the cold stone, I needed to touch the engraved characters with my own fingers to make certain Rin was dead. She was. There was no doubt about that. She and Obito were gone. I got up and turned away from them feeling an uncontrollable anger. I was so mad at Hiroki for having those bright eyes and round face that looked so much like Rin's, but also for her ability to smile just as Iruka did. She was the man I couldn't have and the girl I couldn't protect united in a single person… and that hurt.

Why did kami hate me so much?

My fist landed hard in the tree beside me. I felt the bark crack and yield under my knuckles before falling to the ground.

All the positive thought I had during the day crumbled in my head. Nothing of it remained. There was no way I could do her any good. I was too unstable myself to help another broken soul like her.

My head was throbbing. I removed my hitai-ate and slid it in my pocket. Looking at the full moon and the wind blowing in the tall grass.

Just tonight, I had already let Hiroki down…

I loathed myself.

I did nothing good for Rin. I had caused her only problems and pain. I knew the girl had liked me, even admired me, but I had been a total jerk following stupid rules and the worse part about it is that I had thought it had been right while I was so totally wrong.

I had always been like that. I always thought I was right, made stupid choices and then when the harm was done realised it was wrong… like with taking Hiroki in my house.

Just the way I had looked at her frail body at the ramen shop had to be wrong. I knew this could eventually end badly for both of us, but I let the beast loose anyway and just took advantage that I was expected to look at her to take in all that she could offer. She was too thin for my taste, but some unconscious part of me had acknowledged her and thought that it could do.

I just didn't deserve to be trusted, even less be loved…

Even Iruka, _the Iruka_ that loved everyone, is still keeping me partially out of his life and it hurt so much. Even him didn't trust me in the end. I am sure he knows that I'll end up hurting him, or even worse, be the cause of his death – because that's what _nakama goroshi no Kakashi_ did – and this is the reason why I am kept at bay, why he is so careful of being kind to me without letting me see his heart.

I slouched in front Rin's grave like an idiot.

I just wanted to cry.

But I wasn't alone anymore. The person who had come at such a late hour knew better than to startle a jōnin in a dark and lonely place. I could hear feet kicking the gravel away on the small path as they came closer.

"Iruka."

I knew it was him. No one else would dare come closer to me when I came here so late in the evening. No one else was as persistent as the stubborn chūnin.

He stood right beside me. The pale moonlight shone on the side of his face. He was beautiful. Each time I saw Iruka in a quiet place like this, I longed to be in his arms. When we met, it was only for sex, but what I truly wanted was just to spend time glued to him, playing in his dark brown hair and feel the vibration his voice made in his chest as he spoke. Maybe that last part was what I wanted the most, just listening to him. To me, his voice was probably the most soothing sound in the world.

But I had no right to hope for that and each morning I would wake up alone in a cold bed.

"It's incredible how she looks like Rin now, don't you think?" he said softly still far away in his thoughts.

"It's insane. I wonder if I will ever get used to that," I answered in a low but calm voice, almost as if I was talking to myself.

He looked at me through a long silence. His soft eyes were filled with compassion and understanding. He was the only one who looked at me like this, because he was the only one I had ever let in. For everyone, I was the _mighty copy-nin: Kakashi of the sharingan_.

For Iruka, I was just _Kakashi_.

I wanted to talk and didn't at the same time. I wanted him to understand me and console me, but I wanted none of his pity. I had put myself in this situation alone. I had relished in the pain of past memories for too long, but this was the present and had to be dealt with:

"I have been impulsive. I shouldn't have brought her back in the first place."

I looked down. Iruka turned to me, I could feel it. I just took deep breaths trying to calm myself.

"You say that because you're hurt right now, but you know it's false. So what is it… really?" He said gently tossing my hair away from my face. I felt so vulnerable.

"I don't like it. It's so unlike me. I mean, what I feel is totally irrational… and when I am like that it never ends well. I am going to destroy her in the end…"

Iruka listened in silence. He knew the discussion wouldn't be graceful and coherent. He knew I would deny or contradict myself as, most of the time, I discovered those things as I said them.

"I am just a bloody murderer teaching her to become a murderer herself. How could that be any good? She is a civilian and I just made a shinobi out of her to have a reason to keep an eye and protect her. If anything, she'd be so much safer thousands of miles away from me."

It was selfish. I felt I could make the difference between what was logically right for her and what was me wanting things she did not need, but I didn't act on it. I still didn't want to release her. Why was I clinging to her that much? There came a disturbing idea at the back of my mind:

"Sensei, do you think I am still trying to save Rin through her? Is that all there is to it?"

All of a sudden, Iruka smiled.

"She's a kind and clever girl, Kakashi. That's why you brought her back."

There was a certain amusement in his voice not so dissimilar to the one I had heard in the mission room.

"I believe you saw the shinobi in her way before you saved her. There is probably some weird outstanding raw talent in her that only your weird jōnin eye could sense and appreciate and now you are obsessed about making that come through."

"Obsessed?"

"Kakashi, it's obvious! You are analysing her every gesture… all the time. I saw it in the mission room and I saw it again tonight. You are assessing her capacities all the time. I am certain it takes you a fair amount of energy just to refrain from correcting the way she walks."

Her gait… now that he was mentioning it, I became conscious of it. This tiny hint of limp had annoyed me quite a bit. I knew she had no pain anymore and that it was just a bad habit. I sighed. Iruka might be right about this…

"It's clear to me that you like her a lot and she deserves it, I think!"

He was the second to make a remark on it. The pain hit straight through me.

 _So that's what you want Iruka? You have seen that I kind of liked her and now you are using that to push me away again?_ I thought.

"Maybe you should try to build something with her. I could see you two work really well together…"

 _You want me to invest my affection in her so that I stop looking only at you. You want me to get out of your life again._

"She's bright, creative and even a little twisted…"

 _Don't push me away…_

"…it will do you some good to have a nice little sunshine around like that."

 _ **Don't push me away!**_

I was shaking.

Iruka never let me tell him how much he was essential to me. He would always laugh it out or cut me off. He had transformed me. He had changed the way I looked at life. He had broken me in so many pieces and put me back together, better than I was before. He was the only one who ever understood me, who could read behind the sarcasm. He knew what I wanted, what I needed, better than I ever knew myself… and now he was telling me that I was better off with someone else. That my future was with someone else…

I couldn't take it. The pain was killing me, freezing me from the inside. I was cold… and I wanted to feel warm again.

I turned toward him and slipped his hitai-ate down to his neck. I slowly pulled his hair tie and put it on my left wrist. His hair fell in a soft cascade around his face. I looked straight in his eyes, at the pain slowly building in them.

I was barely able to speak:

"Iruka, it's you that I want, you know it."

He closed his eyes.

I kissed him softly, but he didn't answer. He stayed completely immobile. His hands hanging by his side.

When I stopped, he let out a loud sigh and looked away.

"Kakashi san, what did I tell you…"

I felt my knees wanting to buckle under me. I had to put my hand on his shoulder to steady myself.

"I know, we agreed I shouldn't think of you in that way…"

 _But dammit! I love you so much Iruka!_

"But still, you are hard to understand sometimes sensei," I said hiding the pain behind the slight accusation.

"Kakashi, forget about me. I'm never going to reciprocate those feelings of yours. I told you already."

 _I can't forget about you Iruka, I can't ever forget!_

If he wanted me away why did he fuck with me all the time? Is it a service to the village? A way to manage the damage I could do to others if I didn't have him as an outlet?

 _Did you even ever like me, even just as a friend? Iruka?_

"Then, what's the point of doing this?... I think… I think I don't want to see you ever again." I said in a low voice.

I felt his body twist under my hand ignoring it as if I were merely a ghost. He made a few steps then turned toward me one last time defiantly. His breathing was heavy from the anger he kept inside. I looked back at him with equal pride. I loved him and I would not back up… not this time. He turned back and walked away slowly absorbed by the peaceful night.

Through the sharingan, I was almost certain I saw a tear on his cheek.

I was crushed.

A disgusting friend killer… that's all I was.

::

When I finally came back home, I didn't even bother to use the door. I simply went through my bedroom window. As I sat back on my bad I looked at the picture of team Minato. Rin was there, smiling at me through the thin glass as if trying to warm my heart. I didn't know what upset me most anymore. The fact that I felt I could only become a nuisance in Hiroki's life or that Iruka had taken her as an opportunity to get out of mine. In a way, I wanted to make her disappear. If she wasn't there Iruka wouldn't assume I was alright without him. Of course, if I'd do that he would be so mad at me that it wouldn't help anything.

I couldn't hate the girl for it, though. I had lost Iruka, but that was none of her fault.

I never had Iruka to begin with…

… and what was worse, that girl was actually able to soothe some of the pain.

"Morning kakashi sensei!" she said as she barged in the kitchen the next morning. Her bright smile forced some of the ice around my heart to melt. A sunshine… that's what Iruka had said she was. I hated it, but it was true and her smile was slowly dissipating the darkness of the thoughts I had ruminated since last evening.

She pushed her hair away from her face as she busied herself in the kitchen. She cooked breakfast as if nothing could make her happier. Rin had been like that in a way, always thinking of helping others.

I had never put much thought about where I would put my dishes since I was tall enough that I could reach every shelf. She, on the other side, had to climb on the counter to reach the simplest things. It was fun to look at her so alive. There was already the smell of grilled fish and miso filling my nostrils. She was a great little cook. She put her knee over the counter preparing to jump up again. I put my hand on her shoulder. She froze.

"Let me help you with this," I said putting the bowls on the counter.

She pushed her hair away from her face again, the happiness obvious in her large teal eyes.

Rin… Each time I made the association, my heart sank a bit.

I looked down. Iruka's hair band was still on my wrist.

I held her face in my hands and looked at her. Maybe this was a good idea after all. I clawed my hands in her hair and secured the brown locks with Iruka's hair tie. I backed up. It felt better. The image of Rin disappeared and the strands falling around her face made the ponytail too sloppy to look like Iruka's.

I realised I was being unfair with her. For some reason, I wanted Hiroki to take the place of the things I had lost, of what I had before and had cherished so much. If I were to look at her like that, she had no chance from the start and she would never have any.

I had wanted her for what she was. I had to trust my instincts in bringing her here.

::

Many times after this I had the same thoughts running in my head. I wanted to send her away, maybe in another team, but I couldn't. I enjoyed training her too much. I had surprised myself saying to Guy that it was like playing with a kitten. I saw with amusement all that she lacked, but also saw how deadly she would become.

I smiled just thinking of her first training with team 7. Before even teaching her how to fight, I felt the urgent need to make sure she could at least minimally protect or even hide herself. I hadn't expected much that afternoon, it was merely to see what she could do. I pulled out my worn off copy of _Icha Icha Paradise_ and looked at them:

"Here are the rules. You hide. I'll be reading ten pages of my book and after that, I'll go and try to find you. The first one I'll find will have to run 50 laps around the field. The second will have to do 20."

Naruto giggled as he looked at Hiroki who was strangely squinting at my book. I never asked her if she was able to read. Being a slave, I assumed that she wouldn't, but maybe she had some basic knowledge…

"Ok, let's go," I said as I turned around.

I sat, my back toward them. The other two moved relatively soundlessly, but Hiroki made so much noise that I wondered if she wasn't dragging her feet in the grass on purpose.

"Hiroki! If you don't want to be found first, don't make so much noise!" I said, on a lazy but cheerful tone.

The sound stopped and then I could hear a rough noise in the leaves to my far right… but her chakra signature had stayed on the left. She had thrown her boots on the other side to create a diversion and was now probably walking barefoot on the path. This was much better. I couldn't help but grin.

I had flipped the pages at random interval pretending to read. After a while, I close the book and stood up.

I went to the place where she threw her boots to see what she would do. I couldn't see her, but I felt her chakra move slowly toward the place where I had sat. It was a good instinct since I presumably already looked there and wouldn't look back for a while. Sakura had a similar reflex and was unknowingly walking toward Hiroki. They were doing fairly well…

I couldn't say the same thing for Naruto. I really had to put a note to myself somewhere about never sending him on a stealth mission.

"Found you!"

"Kakashi sensei, it's not fair, you went straight for me!"

"I wasn't even looking for you and still found you… 50 laps!"

He knew there was no way around it and started running.

Sakura and Hiroki were a few feet apart. I walked around letting the suspense build and waiting to see if they would try to move around.

I went over to Sakura to test her reaction but I was surprised when it's Hiroki that fled in a hurry making enough noise to alert the whole village.

Sakura gasped.

I hunched over the pink haired girl while I sent a clone to block Hiroki's escape.

"I guess it's a tie! I said with a smile. You know Sakura, Hiroki would have saved you if you would have kept calm."

Hiroki looked down, probably deceived that I had read into her intentions so easily.

Naruto! I've found them! You can stop. Now Hiroki, go get your boots and let's all go eat something.

Around that period, we also took a few C-ranked missions. Hiroki would stay in Konoha, but Tsunade would keep watch on her and teach her a few techniques. She also often sent her to Iruka who didn't mind having the extra student.

I heard Iruka's praises for Hiroki's hard-working nature and quick improvement through Tsunade. I wanted so much to talk about her with him, but this was out of the question. Since that evening at the cemetery, I hadn't spoken to him at all. It had turned into a weird obsession. I made certain I knew where he was at all time just to be sure I wouldn't cross his path, that I wouldn't see his soft chocolate eyes or his shining smile. I knew it would be too much for me. I would break down again… but he would stand up still, compassionate but immovable.

He was not part of my life anymore, but I felt him there more than ever.

Hiroki filled the void left by Iruka but only partially. After a few weeks, I felt more and more irritable. A part of me longed for him. I wanted to touch his tan skin, to feel the warmth of his body against mine. I also wanted the more innocent things like those quiet evenings when we would just talk over tea or those walks around the village… Without him, I felt completely lost.

I knew how bad it was when I looked at Hiroki.

Her smile reminded me of him and was starting to make his way inside of me. When she smiled, I instinctively leant closer to her, put my hand on her back or softened my voice. When I started to notice it I disgusted myself to the point that I left her alone most of the time. After a while, I only saw her with team 7, pretexting to be on mission. I knew that was hard for her, but I had to. I knew because even when I came back so late that she had either gone to her bed or fallen asleep with Pakkun in her arms, there was always a cover put on the table with food she had left for me. Whenever I threw my torn clothes in the laundry bin, they would be repaired and neatly folded on my desk. She was trying to be there for me, and I pushed her away. All those little things made me ache and feel terribly guilty, but I knew I could do worse to her.

When I came back that evening, I had done the usual thing. I sat on the couch beside her careful not to wake her up and delicately pulled her against me to push her hoodie off her shoulders. She was deeply asleep and did not even stir. Sliding an arm under her legs, I took her light body in my arms and tucked her into her bed…

…and I stayed there.

I was again overwhelmed by emotions I wasn't certain I understood. However, if I did not understand them it didn't mean I did not know them well.

I wanted her. I wanted to _take_ her. I wanted to steal the warmth of her soul and make it mine.

I stayed immobile over her frail body just like a predator over a prey looking at her silky brown locks and remembering that bright smile of hers so identical to Iruka's. My breath became deep, my hands clawed at the mattress I could feel my chakra agitating around my body. She was helpless in front of me. If I wanted I could just use the sharingan and she would never realise what had happened to her. It could be just this once and no one would ever know… I came closer to her, listening to her small breath, looking at her beautiful soft skin wanting to kiss it and bruise it…

I felt a surge of disgust so strong, I felt like I could puke. I swore to myself that I'd protect her, that I'd kill anyone who'd hurt her… and at this very moment, I had wanted to soil her, to destroy her and make her scream until she fell apart in my arms. I wanted to do to her the very things the people I had saved her from had probably wanted to do to her.

 _I was a monster._

I pushed myself up, put the food she had prepared for me in the fridge and went for a walk.

I deluded myself that I just wanted to take some fresh air and forget, but my feet knew exactly where we were going. I was suddenly in front of his door, hesitating to knock. A tear fell from my eye.

On the other side of the door, I heard pages flipping and the noise of a pen scratching the paper. Iruka was deep into corrections. I should leave. I had no right to do this to him. I had been a jerk, ruined our friendship and now I expected him to fix me.

I wanted to leave but stayed there, breathing in slowly to keep in a sob.

The pages were put down. He knew I was there.

I heard the sound of the chair backing up and after a while, the door opened.

He was there, in the warm light of his apartment. He looked at me trying to read right through me not really knowing how to interpret my silence. I couldn't speak, not right now. I closed my eyes and just pulled down my mask, giving him a better access to my feelings. When I looked back at him he didn't look mad, but rather concerned.

Maybe he had known all along that I would come back to him…

I still stood in the doorway every bit of my body crying surrender:

"Iruka, I promise. No feelings. Help me forget everything, make my mind blank."

The kiss he gave to me then; it healed my whole soul.

It was so full of desire that it felt as if he had missed me too. I closed my arms around him, closing the door with my foot. He had let me in again... not inside his heart, but his house and his bed were enough for tonight.

It was rough. We couldn't get enough of each other, not fast enough. I poured into it all the emotions I couldn't express, all the pain I couldn't bear and Iruka's caring gaze just healed me. His half closed and lusty eyes told me I was not the monster I thought, I was just human.

We laid in his bed totally wasted strangely entangled like a junkyard of spare limbs. It's only after I had recovered, as the real world came crashing back at me, that my breathing became difficult again. Iruka immediately noticed it:

"Kakashi… don't worry so much. I know you _can_ and you _will_ protect her."

He had known. This shouldn't have surprised me so much because that's how Iruka was. He saw through everyone. I looked up at him, still silent.

"I don't know how she'll do as a shinobi, but she is a bright girl for sure, brighter than you think! She'll be all right."

I knew she was bright. She was so serious when it came to learning anything, but then always acted as if she knew nothing. Did she see the shadow of my desire hanging over her? If so, what must I look like to both of them…

"Take your time Kakashi. You can stay here and cool down. I'll be in the living room and finish grading."

"I-I'm sorry…" I said my voice almost disappearing in my throat. The guilt was unbearable.

"No, I'd rather you come to me when you feel that way… I kind of enjoyed it!"

I wanted to give so much more than that to him. I was willing to sacrifice everything just to make sure he was happy. I felt his movement on the mattress as he put his shirt back on. He started to get up, but I pulled at his shirt before he could rise.

"Iruka, I called. How come you are not taken yet? You deserve better than that."

He simply smiled and left.


	7. Chapter 7: Hiroki: The First Mission

**Chapter 7: Hiroki: The First Mission**

I don't know what Kakashi saw in me, but he was clever enough to know that I would not survive long in this world without friends. He made certain to provide for that by including me in Team 7 and leaving us alone together for hours while he saved kittens or helped old ladies.

As a shinobi, I was totally useless. I still couldn't throw a kunai straight or channel any chakra effectively, but Naruto always cheered with enthusiasm at any progress I made as if it were his own. Just for that, I was happy to have him around. I followed in training and in D-ranked missions. I felt like I was slowing them down and caused a lot of trouble, but they didn't seem to mind. I met regularly with Tsunade sama and Iruka sensei who gave a lot of their time to help me catch up with my teammates, but here again, I felt like a failure. The concepts were so foreign that I needed to be explained the same things over and over again stopping them for so many questions that we would forget what we were studying in the first place. They were incredibly patient with me, but I felt as if I did not belong there.

Kakashi was absent most of the time and, sometimes, when he looked at me, there was a strange and unreadable expression in his eyes that sent a shiver through my body. This made me feel even worse. I felt as if he was avoiding me as if I was not welcomed in his life anymore.

I knew his life was not really about saving kittens and helping old ladies. What he truly lived was worse and by far. Naruto and Sakura knew nothing about what happened during those side missions. In front of them, he was always strong and contained.

…but in front of me he didn't hide and let me see all of it; his weaknesses as well as his pain.

He would come back home covered in mud and blood, sometimes hunched over because of the pain of a new wound, sometimes totally silent with only his eyes speaking of the horrors he had seen. Most of the time, he would force a faint smile on his face to reassure me but sometimes he just didn't bother. I wondered if he let me see this because I already saw him so crushed at the citadel or if it was some kind of warning about what the life of a shinobi truly looked like… or maybe I was just part of the furniture now.

The last possibility hurt as much as it felt true.

I learned a lot from Sakura and Naruto while we waited for him. I was so bad at throwing kunai that Naruto joked that he was fearing for his life each time he saw a kunai near me. Of course, I instead claimed this as one of my obscure super powers saying that I was so bad that I could make people miss their target simply by standing beside them. I started to wonder if Kakashi wasn't letting the other two teach me so many things because he thought I was not even worth his time.

This is why when he told me I would be joining them on a C-ranked mission, I was terrified.

"Hiroki?"

His voice made me snap out of my thoughts.

"Hiroki? What is it? What's on your mind?"

I felt some kind of concern in his voice. He hadn't gone on mission today and had stayed home to prepare our first real assignment as team 7. He had been through all his weapons, sharpening his kunai, inspecting the various scrolls and explosive tags putting them neatly in the pockets of his vest. He had untangled chakra strings and checked all fasteners to make certain they closed tightly, but also opened smoothly. He never did that when we went on D-ranked missions. This one was different.

I was seated on the windowsill, looking at the heavy rain falling on Konoha trying to hide my feelings.

He came and sat on the ground in front of me and put his hand on mine. It had been such a long time I haven't seen him so nice to me. I felt a strange warmth building inside of me.

"Hiroki, tell me…"

I couldn't speak without my voice betraying me, so I stayed silent.

"It's the mission, isn't it?"

I looked down.

"Come… I'll make us some tea."

He held my hands and made me get up. I felt his palm gently press against my upper back leading me to the couch. I sat there, hands in my lap, watching him walk to the sink.

It was his ritual. I saw him do it with a few selected friends. He would always offer me a cup, but it was the first time he did it for me, for me alone.

As a ninja, he was never really into following ritualised ceremonials too tightly. Things like bushido were not meant for him. If his life or that of one of his comrade was on the line, backstabbing or tricking the enemy was as legitimate as face to face combat. This was reflected in the way he made tea. He did not follow rules but just made it as he felt was right.

The truth was I loved to look at him making tea. It always felt like something special. He looked totally calm, yet concentrated, revealing his shinobi nature through his ever precise gestures.

He brought a large jar of water and put it on the table waiting for it to cool down. Then, he went back to the kitchen and brought back two cups that he carefully placed on the table. They were like tiny artworks slightly crooked and imperfect but in a good way. He touched the jar with his hand with his hand checking the temperature – if the water was too warm, it would burn the delicate leaves. The water was still too hot.

He picked up his flak jacket from the table, hanging it on a hook near the door. He dropped his gloves and hitai-ate on the small table beneath it, then pulled up his sleeves over his elbows and came back caressing my hair before sitting in front of me. He was so different from what he looked like during the day when he showed off his own kind of professionalism consisting in a lazy attitude and a bored look. Now, that the soft silver hair fell in his face he looked almost like a teen. The deadly shinobi wasn't gone, but there was a fragility that wasn't apparent when he wore his whole outfit. His pale arms contrasted against the dark fabric of his shirt making them look more delicate while the square cut of the shirt itself gave the impression that it was a size too large unable to accommodate both his broad shoulder and his slim waist. It was always endearing to see him like that. It was as if the harsh shinobi life could give him a break sometimes.

He touched the jar again. The temperature was right. He squinted his eye a little and dropped the leaves in the water until he felt there was enough and carefully closed the bag before putting it away. The dried leaves spiralled down leaving behind them slight yellowish trails. He put the strainer on top of one of the cups and waited for the tea to be a rich golden colour

Then he took the jar and let the water pass through the strainer catching any leave that could fall in the cup. He tapped the strainer on top of the water jar and the leaves were released back into the water dancing in the warm liquid like little fish. He took one of the rugged cup carefully choosing what side he would present to me and put it in my hands. I felt the warmth of the tea inside it and it brought some comfort. I rose it in front of my chin smelling the rich aroma. I don't know why but I felt protected, as if there was a tiny wall between us.

"Hiroki, he said breaking the silence. Don't worry about the mission tomorrow. If you are coming with us it is because I feel you are ready." He said putting his hand on my shoulder.

How he could tell I was ready was a mystery. I failed so badly at everything I did that I was wondering if I would ever be any good at anything. I closed my eyes.

"You are not that far from the level Naruto had when he graduated from the academy. Like him, you just need to persevere… It will be alright."

I was useless. How could he think otherwise? It was obvious to me. It should be obvious to him too.

"I… I cannot fight…" I answered hesitantly.

"You can and you did. Trust me, you are a shinobi, everyone acknowledges it."

He closed the gap between us and looked at me in the eyes pushing the cup away from my face. I felt totally naked and powerless in front of him. There was a strength to his presence that was overwhelming, an assurance in all he said. It was the sensei speaking to me, the one who knew me better than myself, the one that saw all that I lacked and needed, the one that cared for me.

"I can't even use any weapon properly…" I said looking away from him again.

"Being a good shinobi is not about using weapons well or who knowing all the jutsu, it is about protecting and fighting for what you believe is important. You did that already and you did it better than a lot of shinobi I know. That day in the prison, you forgot about your fears and acted according to what you felt was right. When that kind of moment comes again, you will have the same strength, the same courage and the same resourcefulness you had on that day and you will be able to make a difference again."

His hand caressed the side of my face.

"But for now, we are only delivering a simple scroll to the Hidden Grass village, he said smiling. Remember, no one is asking you to fight on this mission. You just have to follow what I say and I'll make sure you are fine. Just trust me."

He looked at me. His eyes were soft, softer than I had seen them in weeks.

"I won't let anything happen to you."

::

We left early the next morning to meet Sakura and Naruto at the gates. Iruka had come to wish us luck on our mission. After the usual chat with Naruto and Sakura, Iruka turned to me.

"I came here to see you off, but there is also another reason."

He pulled a hitai-ate with the leaf symbol from his pockets.

"Tsunade sama and I talked together and we decided that you deserved the genin rank. Your chakra control is good enough and you have traits that far outweigh your inability to use jutsu or weapons efficiently."

Naruto giggled. I was certain he was still thinking of me trying to throw a kunai.

"Congratulation Hiroki. You are a shinobi now," Iruka said tying the hitai-ate in place over my forehead.

I felt a heaviness in my chest. I think he saw it too.

"Listen to your instincts and you'll be fine."

Naruto was ecstatic and jumped at me hugging me so strongly I almost chocked.

"Woah! Hiroki! Congratulation! You did it!"

Sakura and Kakashi also congratulated me while I recovered from Naruto's death-grip. Despite the laziness in his voice, I could see a small spark of pride in Kakashi's eyes.

After this, Iruka went to Kakashi and lightly punched him on the shoulder.

"Keep them safe, as usual."

"Maa, Iruka sensei, you know me. No need to worry," he answered his hand on the teacher's arm. There was the usual smile reaching his eye but I felt what was going on between them was way beyond that.

"Let's go!" Kakashi finally added.

The mission had begun.

::

 _ **Sorry, the chapter is very short and I stopped right before the action again. Those kinds of scenes are a bit tougher to write for me but it's slowly coming together and I am trying to finish the next chapter before the end of this week.**_

 _ **Thanks for reading! :o)**_


	8. Chapter 8: Hiroki: A Desperate Fight

**Chapter 8: Hiroki: A Desperate Fight**

We walked for several days. Along the way, Kakashi would still add to our training showing us how to detect enemies or avoid being caught. For some obscure reason, and to Kakashi's biggest relief, I mastered chakra concealment and hiding jutsu beyond all reasonable expectations. I could literally disappear and, even with his sharingan, Kakashi couldn't detect me. As soon as I would move, the technique would be dispelled, but if I chose the spot well, no one would ever find me. It was not useful in combat, but at least I wouldn't be a bother.

The mission went smoothly and the scroll arrived safely in the hand of its recipient. It is only on our way back that Kakashi started to feel something was wrong. We were not alone. He turned to me:

"Hiroki... now!"

It was our agreement. If anything ever happened, I was to hide and stay hidden no matter what happened. I knew that alone he could probably handle any strong opponent, but as a team, they would probably attack the weaker genins to get to him…

…and I was by far the weakest of us all.

I went back into the wood and jumped on a branch that seemed to be too fragile to hold a strongly built ninja, I hugged the tree barely breathing and waited there motionless and invisible.

There was an incredibly loud noise. The ground vibrated violently. I could feel it shaking the tree I was in. Everyone on the ground covered their ears and closed their eyes in pain. If I hadn't hugged the tree so strongly I would have done the same. It's only when the noise stopped that realised that it only had been a diversion. Taking advantage of the noise, two shinobi had sneaked behind and had taken Naruto and Sakura as hostages. I tried not to move, but I couldn't stop my eyes from widening looking at the kunai pressed on their throats. In front of them a tall man dressed in white walked from out of the trees holding an impressive spear with three points.

"Where is your third team member Kakashi, said the tall pale man. Did the child chicken out?" He laughed.

"Takashiro…"

It was Kakashi's only answer. His posture had straightened. This meant that the threat was serious. The three shinobi formed a triangle around him but kept their distance. They had the upper hand and knew it.

At least, they hadn't seen me.

I was right behind Takashiro. The loud sound had made everyone back up except me and the white shinobi had walked right between us. Strategically, it was the best position I could hold… that was, if I had known how to fight. Now I was condemned to watch the situation and pray kami for a happy ending.

But Kakashi wasn't going to let the worse happen, not without a violent fight. He slapped the ground with both hands.

"Doton: Doryūheki!"

A tall mud wall appeared from nowhere between Takashiro and him, isolating the two weaker shinobi from their leader. Kakashi turned back to them to get their attention, then started to run in their direction. Both shinobi tensed and noticed too late that this had all been a faint

"Doton: Shinjū Zanshu no Jutsu!"

Gloved hands emerged from the mud and pulled the shinobi's legs into the ground up till their neck, the surprise forcing them to release their hostages. Two kage bunshin jumped out of the ground and exploded in smoke.

Kakashi jumped over the wall to get to the leader, but Takashiro spun his spear and planted it back to the ground, stomping. The ground vibrated again crushing the mud wall to pieces that were projected far behind Kakashi. They had originally been aimed at Sakura and Naruto, but the members of team 7 had swiftly escaped the projectiles that now fell on the heads of the two enemy shinobi at the back. Without even a second thought, the leader had killed his teammates… I couldn't help but wonder if they hadn't been slaves just like me to be so disposable to the eyes of the white man.

Kakashi threw a quick look behind. Naruto was fine. Sakura was slightly injured but in no real danger. He pushed his hitai-ate up over his forehead revealing the red sharingan and jumped at Takashiro.

The fight was like nothing I had ever seen before. Kakashi moved with a speed and an agility that were totally surreal. The only time I saw him truly defend himself was when he got out of the prison, but at that time, he had been tortured for days. _This_ was on a whole other level. In prison he had used bare strength alone, now there was a finesse and precision to his moves that made it look as if what he was doing was out of this world; as easy as a child playing in a sandbox.

He tried to get an opening, but the shinobi wouldn't let him get close enough controlling the rocks as if they were part of him. Naruto shouted and jumped into the fight with an army of clones. Maybe overwhelmed in this way, there was a chance…

There was another loud noise. I held frantically to the tree hearing branches break and fall to the ground. All of Naruto's clones had been projected outward with a violence that made them explode one after the other. Naruto and Sakura had also been smashed to the trees and were left unconscious. Takashiro stomped again forcing Kakashi to release his grip on the ground and crash into anearby rock but the impact was immediately followed by a puff of white smoke as a log broke into pieces against the hard surface.

I was worthless, I should be on the ground with them, but I wouldn't be able to do anything…

"Where are you Hatake!" Takashiro said in frustration.

He wouldn't wait for Kakashi to make his move, he just pointed his spear at the unconscious body of Naruto and ran toward him. I couldn't watch this. I knew there was no way Kakashi would let Naruto die if he could avoid it, but I had never seen someone as strong and focused as the spearman before.

Only a few feet away from his target, Kakashi appeared and took the blow meant to kill Naruto in his abdomen… but this too was a ruse. Kakashi held the spear solidly into his own body looking at Takashiro darkly. He was in range now.

However, the white shinobi wouldn't let him keep his weapon so easily. He twisted it violently into the jōnin's body. There was a loud snap followed by a yelp. But both men were stubborn. Still holding the spear with his left hand, Kakashi brought his right to his face:

"Gōkakyū…"

Takahata was pushed away as a tall fireball rushed toward him. The blood had made the spear slippery and Kakashi had to let go. His body bent forward. He was panting heavily. When Takashiro had retreated a fair distance away he raised his spear again. One of the three points was gone.

"What a mistake, said the man in white. Now a part of my spear is in your body..."

Kakashi backed up and took his kunai, but before he could do anything the man's hand closed into a fist. Kakashi let out a loud gasp and fell on his knees.

"Now you see... Do you feel it? This is true pain, a pain so intense you'll beg me to shorten your life." The man rose his fist slowly. Kakashi growled but still glared furiously at him.

"You can do nothing about it. That little part of my spear that's inside you, it's slowly making its way to your heart… Now tell me, where is the third one?"

He did not utter a word.

"If it is this way then..."

The man clenched his fist tighter. Kakashi who was still holding on his knees collapsed further to the ground clenching his side. His eyes opened wide and then he started to cough blood. He tried to at least get back on his elbows, but failed.

"Where is she!" Takashiro shouted angrily, his fist was so tensed that his knuckles had become white and the veins were visible in his arm.

But Kakashi stayed silent, struggling on the ground in a pool of his own blood.

Blood.

This wasn't a kage bunshin, it would have dispelled already. He was truly dying in front of my eyes. I couldn't accept the idea of his death. There was a raging pain inside my chest, a mixture of panic and rage. I did not care what advantage I would give the enemy if I came out, I did not even care if I survived. I needed him so much, he had to survive this! Everyday, I was surrounded by the traces of his existence. Even when he wasn't around, I could feel him care for me through Tsunade sama, Iruka sensei, Naruto, Sakura… I also saw him care through so many tiny gestures like the fact that he could sense when the practice had been too hard and forced me out of the house to make sure I wouldn't spend my energy on chores or the fact that no matter where I fell asleep, I always woke up in my bed. Even his very absence, when you could read through his intentions, was a form of caring.

His death would crush me to the point that I wouldn't survive it.

But I had no plan to help him… no plan at all!

While Naruto had worked so hard to become a hokage and Sakura could have had a bright future as a medic, I was just a failure who couldn't throw a kunai. I would stay alive, and they would die, just in front of my eyes. Watching them die… that's what I was asked to do…

…and I…

…I would stay alive.

A soft rain fell over the tree leaves. I could remember the day just before he left, I could feel the warmth of his house, of the tea cup in my hands…

 _When that kind of moment comes again, you will have the same strength, the same courage and the same resourcefulness you had on that day…_

Kakashi did believe in me. He could have kicked me out of team 7 when I started to underperform but he never did. He left me alone most of the time, but he never once implied that I should leave.

 _Trust me, you are a shinobi, everyone acknowledges it…_

The spark in his eyes when I received my hitai-ate right before we left, it was pride… he had thought I deserved it.

I looked at the ground.

Kakashi's breath was becoming more and more difficult, the pain was unbearable as the chakra enhanced point slowly moved toward his heart. He collapsed in the mud holding his chest, his body folded in two.

"Kakashi! Tell me where she is!"

"Ther… There's… no one else…" he answered chocking in his own blood.

My chest felt heavy. I forced myself to stay silent but I only wanted to cry. I couldn't live without him! My breath started to feel like small sobs as I watched his agony right in front of me. He did not deserve to end like this. He was so caring, not just for me but also for Sakura and Naruto… and now he was going away protecting my worthless life…

I still remembered the feeling of his warm hand on my cheek.

 _Just trust me… I won't let anything happen to you._

I felt what I thought were tears running on my cheek, but as I wiped them, I realized they were blood. I probably wouldn't achieve anything by getting into that fight, but at least I'd die trying…

…or maybe not…

Fear gripped me, pulsing inside my chest and spreading outwards. I was slowly going numb. I didn't want to die either. I just wanted to be safe in Konoha again, eating ramen, training or even washing dirty sewers. I wanted to hear Sakura gossiping about guys, I wanted to listen to Naruto complaining all the time, I wanted Kakashi's hand in my hair looking at me with this happy smile that reached his lone storm grey eye… I had been so happy but it seemed it was already over…

…and I had no clue of what to do.

I remembered Iruka sensei's words…

 _Listen to your instincts and you'll be fine._

There was no point in watching all of this from afar. No matter if I'd die or not, I'd lose it all…

I let go of the tree and fell to the ground.

::

 _ **Yep! I am cutting the chapter there.  
I know, I am mean! XD**_

 _ **Hope you liked it. Please R &R!**_


	9. Chapter 9: Kakashi: Bloody Eyes

**Chapter 9: Kakashi: Bloody Eyes**

As the pain grew inside my body, the light became dim. My body forced dizziness on me in an attempt to cut the agony. The blood in my lungs made it difficult to breathe. A large pool of thick red liquid was forming under me.

I saw the attention of the man shift. Something had fallen behind him. He was distracted. The metal shard had stopped moving in my chest. The pain slowly dulled. I pushed myself up with my hands and was able to sit on my ankles again.

My heart sank. Hiroki was there, hunched in her fallen position a hand supporting part of her weight. The situation must have been too much for her to endure. She couldn't stand back and watch. It was in her to risk her life for that of others. I couldn't be mad at her for that. I would have done the same thing. That was what I admired in her after all.

In this situation, however, she had doomed herself and there was nothing I could do to protect her.

 _I am so sorry, Hiroki._

I had hoped I could have given her a better life while we were together, but I had been too messed up to offer that. Instead of being loved and cuddled for all the years of pain she had lived, here she was, courageously jumping into this desperate situation to save the ones who were supposed to protect her.

She rose her head slowly, her hair falling back on the side of her face. It is only then that I saw it. At first, I thought that I had visions because of the pain but I would _never_ have imagined anything like that. Her eyes were red, blood-red, and in them, there was the distinct tomoe swirling… The sharingan…

She was of Uchiha blood.

I was stunned. What was in her past that we didn't know still!... but there was no time to think about this now. That we could all die in the next few minutes was one thing but we couldn't let the sharingan fall into enemy hands.

Hiroki was unaware of this. She stood up tall and strong slowly walking toward Takashiro, anger shining in her eyes. In answer, he rose his spear and threw large boulders at her. She dodged them effortlessly due to her newly awoken kekkei genkai. At that precise moment, however inappropriate it was, I couldn't fight the thought that she was the most beautiful kunoichi I had seen in a long time. She walked on the uneven ground with a surprising nimbleness, barely deflecting from her path to dodge the projectiles. She never averted her eyes from him, not even for a second, pressuring the enemy until he made a fatal mistake.

And that killing intent in her eyes…

It was a stunning foretaste of what she could become if she trained long enough… assuming we could get out of this situation alive!

Takashiro started to lose his concentration showing his impatience by the way his long fingers moved on the tsuka. Then, there was a flash of recognition in his eyes:

"Akemi! Stop right now!"

If Hiroki knew that name, she didn't show it. She quickly took the opportunity and reached to her kunai holster throwing the metal weapon with an accuracy that, without doubt, would have shattered all of Naruto's certainties about life. The spear fell to the ground and Takashiro stopped breathing for a moment.

It was the opening we needed.

I couldn't reach out to him but I knew Hiroki could see me behind the tall shinobi. Without a word, I slowly rose my hand and put my left hand on my forearm preparing for a chidori.

She understood the plan.

The rest took less than a second.

She made a sudden step in his direction making him back up from two. He was in range. As close as he was, I was sure to get him and the effects would be devastating. With all my strength, I forced the chidori as deep as I could in his chest the blood splashing on Hiroki's face as it went through. He died on the spot.

I fell on my back gasping for hair while she bent in two, losing balance. She tried to steady herself by moving her right foot forward, but none of her muscles would obey her anymore. She collapsed.

After a while, I looked around. The forest was eerily quiet. I felt for Naruto's and Sakura's chakra. They were simply unconscious and would probably wake up soon. I rolled over and got on my feet. There was a slight pain, I coughed a bit, but I had made the walk back to Konoha in a worse state than that. We were safe now.

Kneeling beside Hiroki, I took her into my arms. She was exhausted but that was to be expected after awakening the sharingan. Apart from a few bruises from her fall on the uneven rocks and the hateful red droplets scarring her face, she looked fine. It took me a while to evaluate all that the new information I had gained today. I knew that dangerous times lied ahead for us… I would need to do some research when we got back. I had never believed that Yatsuko had been her real name but what about Akemi? What it just a mistake on Takashiro's part or had he truly known her? Did Hiroki remember him? And that sharingan… she was still too weak to inspire enough fear to dissuade greedy shinobi to try to get it. At least, all those who saw it today were dead.

Her eyes opened slowly. They were back to their usual teal colour.

"Hiroki, I said softly, you did it. We'll be alright now."

She buried her face into my vest. She was sobbing. The fierce kunoichi was gone, replaced by the frail and timid Hiroki. I couldn't and shouldn't shield her from the pain but I could be this strong anchor by her side, the one who would make sure she wouldn't slip into darkness. I held her as strongly as I could, caressing her bloodied hair.

It took a while before Sakura and Naruto woke up. Sakura walked clumsily toward us, but Naruto was already fully healed and running:

"Kakashi sensei! What happened? Are you alright?"

He stopped abruptly when he saw Hiroki in my arms covered in blood. His eyes widened in fear.

"She'll be all right, I said smiling, the blood's not hers."

We were not very far from Konoha but we couldn't stay here much longer. I didn't want to risk another ambush. If we didn't stop, we could make it by sunset. I got up on my feet and, hiding the intense pain in my lungs, I started to walk toward home. The little trio followed without hesitation. I was pretty certain they didn't want another fight either. I involuntarily hunched over a bit while walking and my breath was uneven but only Hiroki noticed. Whenever I would stop breathing or let out the tiniest whimper, she would discretely look at me, her eyes asking me the questions she did not dare to voice. I just smiled back. There was no way I would release my attention before we got back safely.

Naruto had gotten back to his cheerful self.

"So Hiroki, I thought you fought, there is blood all over…"

"She passed out," I quickly answered.

I didn't want to take away the credit of her wonderful fight from her but there was no way I could let her tell them what happened. The less people knew about her sharingan, the better and, frankly, I could do without that extra danger over our heads for a while. I threw a hard glare at her to make certain she understood, but it had been unnecessary. As usual, she just read between the lines and complied with the silent order.

"I… fell from the tree," she answered shyly.

I tried to raise my hand to her hair to let her know she did well, but the pain was too great and it fell on her back instead. When she smiled back, I knew I didn't need to say a word about it.

After hours of slow walk, we finally arrived near the gates of Konoha. It had been a while since I hadn't felt such a relief seeing the large wooden doors. Naruto was excited too and he was the only one that still had the energy to run to the gates of the village. We were home. The adrenaline that had kept me going all this time suddenly dropped. I felt an excruciating pain in my guts and fell to the ground.

When I awoke, I was surrounded by while walls. The smell of strong antiseptic filled my nostril leaving no doubt about where I was. I remembered the shard of metal that had been lodged in my lungs. They must have removed it. Hiroki was right beside me all curled up in the uncomfortable hospital chair. Her knees were tucked under her chin and the hood of her overcoat covered her head.

It was a good sign. It meant that the drain on her chakra hadn't been so bad that she needed to be hospitalised too. Tsunade must have checked her, I wonder if she saw any sign of her sharingan?

Hiroki seemed to be in a deep sleep. This meant I must have been sleeping for hours myself, probably more. With the back of my hand, I delicately touched her cheek. She awoke immediately.

"Kakashi sensei?"

 _Sensei_ … It's true, we were at the hospital... a public place. Even waking up at this unfamiliar place, she had remembered the honorific.

"I'll be all right now, I said. But what are you doing here? You could have gone home and slept in a real bed…"

She pulled her hood back to uncover her eyes and looked at me shyly. It was not obvious, but she had cried. Her eyes were still slightly puffy.

Tsunade knocked on the door.

"He is right Hiroki, you should get back home and sleep. Did he forget to give you a key? At least go eat something dear..."

Hiroki looked down. Seeing her so shy and obedient after the bold move she had made to save us was funny. Although she barely had any means of attacking her opponent, she had memorised my own attitude well enough that she could fake it. She had felt powerful, in full possession of her means, almost the allure of a jōnin. Her reserved manners and fears had disappeared in an instant replaced by an impressive calmness and attitude. She had walked so slowly toward him, her blood-red eyes never breaking contact with the enemy.

The girl in front of me now was hardly a shinobi. She had shrunk into herself, barely aware of her surroundings

"Hiroki, I don't mind if you want to come back to sleep on that awful chair but, I agree with Tsunade, eat a little will you?"

She smiled and went away.

I was moved to see how much she had grown in such a short time despite the appearances. It was probably similar to what parents felt for their children, this kind of awe...

Tsunade was looking at me. Her eyes were soft and she smiled slightly. What was she interpreting in what was happening between me and Hiroki? In any case, it didn't seem negative to her.

"How long was I out?" I asked.

"A good three days."

"That much?"

The poor child has been waiting on that chair for me to get better for that long. It mostly made me sad, but I still felt a flicker of hope. I had been a jerk with her. I had mostly abandoned her fearing the emotions she would wake in me. As a shinobi, I should have been beyond that by now but I was still merely a human. Yet, she did not hate me for it.

"You seriously scared us brat. That spear fragment had gone through most of your organs and was wrapped in a slow-acting poison that prevented your body from healing. I thought we'd lose you quite a few times, but you are a stubborn one!"

My only answer was a smirk so pronounced I was certain she could see it through the mask. She stepped closer and sat on the chair Hiroki had occupied a few minutes ago.

"Kakashi... It has been pretty hard for her... She has friends and a happy new life here, but it's you that she needs the most. I don't know if I would have been able to bring her back if you would have died…"

I had been steadily pushing her away but I somehow still counted for her…

"Maa, I know. I can't die yet," I said with an ironic sigh.

We both knew it was far from something I could control and it had been a kind of twisted joke between us for a long time. She smiled.

"By the way brat, no one could brief me on that fight you had coming back here. It seems everyone passed out from the strength of the attack. Can you fill me in on that?"

Hiroki had lied to the Hokage. This was a severe crime. I don't know if she had seen it in that light when she did it. She probably hadn't known but it definitely made me smile.

"It's something that we can't discuss here…" I replied.

"I see… Is it urgent?"

I am curious to know what you'll think about it but since the dead can't leak information, I guess there is no rush."

After a quick check up, Tsunade let me rest.

Hiroki had watched over me for three days. She had lied to the Hokage and to her own friends. She trusted me… and I could trust her back. Of course, I could trust Naruto and Sakura too, they would never betray me. I could also trust Iruka with all my secrets. But what I shared with Hiroki was closer to the ANBU kind of trust. Something akin to what I shared with Tenzō. It was unspoken and strong, total and unconditional. Funny how those bonds could appear so suddenly. I think we both knew it the very day we met.

I couldn't wait to explain it all to her… the reasons for keeping her feats a secret.

The fact that we almost died together on that battlefield made me realise that she deserved better. She deserved to have someone she could truly rely on.

 _You do not wish for strength Hiroki, but I'll make you strong still._

 _Because what you wish for is not power, but a strength that protects others._

 _I'll give you the means to keep the one you love alive and safe._

 _It is my promise to you._

::

 ** _Thanks for keeping up!_**


	10. Chapter 10: Kakashi: The Uchiha

**Chapter 10: Kakashi: The Uchiha**

It took another day before I was cleared to go home. Thanks to the poison, I had slept through the worse of the healing process and I was kind of grateful for that. Like a tiny guardian angel, Hiroki almost never left my side. Tsunade had brought a point: there was no way to predict what would happen to her if I'd die on a mission in the next few years. Maybe I should have asked her to be put in the care of another jōnin sensei so she could have another strong person to go to… But with what happened on that last mission, it was obvious that I was in the best position to care for her. At least Iruka and Tsunade watched after her too…

Iruka… It reassured me that he was involved in all of this. I knew he could mend anyone's heart. I was certain he could find his way to hers. She would be alright.

I went back home, Hiroki following closely. She didn't look so bad now that she knew that I was out of danger, but who knows what scars that sweet smile of hers could hide. I let her enter the house first as usual but swiftly turned the lock behind me. I couldn't take the chance of being overheard by a Guy "dynamic-entrying" in my house or by a gossip-loving Anko.

I didn't want to have that talk. I didn't want to hurt her. If she was like me, she had probably stored most of her past in a tightly sealed box labelled "Open under no fucking circumstances" and left that box to rot underneath all the new happy memories she was creating at the moment… but leaving it all like that was a problem now that she had the sharingan and that someone presumably came for her. I just hoped I wouldn't have to shake her too hard for her to open up.

"Akemi?" I called with an assured voice. I had meant to test her reaction but I never thought she would turn to me so naturally, just as if I had called her real name. I think that even she was surprised at that instinctive reaction. Her eyes widened then looked away from me.

"Akemi. You remember that name don't you?" I said softening my voice as much as I could.

She looked completely lost. I could swear she was slightly trembling.

I walked her to the sofa and covered her shoulder with a soft blanket. I didn't know if it was her past that was truly hurting her that much or its link to the mission. Did she feel like all of this had been her fault? Had she realised Takashiro had probably come for her and her only?

I knelt in front of her covering her hands with mine.

"I didn't want to discuss your past before because I didn't feel it would have been worth the pain, but now that I fear for your safety, I long to know about any tiny thing that could help me keep you out of harm's reach. You need to help me out."

She did not seem too shocked at the idea. I was kind of relieved. I wouldn't have to fight to get it out of her.

"I… I don't remember much and I am not even certain if what I remember truly happened…"

Of course, it would be that way. She must have been really young when all of this occurred...

"It doesn't matter, tell me anyway."

She took a deep breath trying to recollect the memories.

"I remember being called Akemi but most of the time, it was only Ake. Before I was brought to the citadel, I used to live in a small house in the forest. Everything smelled like spruce and freshly cut wood. I don't really remember if there was anyone living there apart from an old lady I called Baachan. She seemed to like me more than I liked her. I recall the day I was taken away. I must have been around five at the time. The old lady was crying and shouting but I didn't understand why. The man who took me away, his hair was grey, but he looked like Takashiro. It feels surreal that it could truly be him. It had been nearly fifteen years ago and he didn't look that old when we saw him a few days ago. It's probably just my mind trying to fill in the missing memories… To the people who got me after that, I was nothing more than a slave, so I don't think there is much we can find there. Sorry I can't be more helpful…"

"That's already a lot, thanks!" I replied.

I let my hand brush against the skin of her cheek then pulled her hair behind her ear. It had felt strange to hear her talk about her past. She had looked like a broken doll; visibly abused, but unable to feel it. She had told me all of it as if it had been someone else's story. I could tell that if I had pushed her to talk about her first days at the citadel, it would be a different matter. Just the way she abruptly cut her narrative and the slightly higher pitch in her voice when she reached that part told me that it had probably been a traumatic experience for the young child she was… But this hadn't been the case for when she was taken away, it didn't look like a typical family setting. I was certain I would find a file on her saying she was either sold or abducted…

"Akemi is a nice name… It suits you well. I could get used to calling you that," I said smiling.

There was a slight silence. I thought she would have been pondering the matter, but she was just in shock.

"No."

That's all she answered.

I let the silence linger for a while. The wall she had erected between her and her past was stronger than I had thought. She wasn't even curious. She just rejected it all as if she was born a few months ago. In a way, it was probably a good thing. Since she was most certainly an Uchiha, I was pretty certain she had no one alive in her family that would be happy to welcome her back. What I would find at the end of my investigation on her was doubtlessly a rather bloody and cruel story. There was nothing good for her on that side.

I could see she felt guilty at the way she had just opposed me. She was looking down and fidgeted a little…

"If… if you don't mind, I would like to keep Hiroki. I… I am used to that now…"

I creased my eye into a warm smile.

"Maa, I am used to it too by now and a change of name might be a bit overcomplicated for Naruto at this point!"

She giggled, I felt a bit of relief. There was, however, another sensible topic I had to discuss with her…

"There is something else we have learned from this battle… You remember my left eye?"

"The red one? Of course, I do!" she answered without hesitation.

"You have the same..."

"W-what?"

She turned around looking for a reflexive surface but found none.

"Don't worry, right now they are their usual blue-green, but on the battlefield, they had been red."

She clearly didn't know what to do with this information.

"It's called sharingan. It's a powerful bloodline limit belonging to the Uchiha, an extinct Konoha clan. It's the reason why you became an expert at kunai throwing overnight. Mine is a transplant; a gift from a friend. It can't be deactivated and drains chakra all the time but yours is different and with practice, you will be able to summon it at will. I'll help you with that when the time comes."

I saw curiosity in her eyes.

"Unfortunately, everything that makes you stronger also brings more danger upon you. Uchiha were feared and their eyes were coveted by many. So now you understand why I had to hide your role in the last battle. We need to keep this secret until I can make certain you are safe, alright?"

She nodded.

"I am sorry. I wanted so much for us to be able to celebrate that properly."

I could tell there was something else on her mind. She didn't mind about me taking away the credit for her actions… she had never cared about that. I was happy she had stood up to keep her name because, otherwise, she was a bit too submissive for a shinobi.

"I am really happy you are part of team 7. Remember Sasuke? He was an Uchiha and had the same eyes… He is probably a close relative of yours in some ways. It is fitting that you ended up replacing him."

Replacing him… I never accepted to see her in that way before now. Sasuke was gone and had left a gaping hole in my soul but she had slowly filled in the void. I was still deeply saddened by what had happened and a bit mad at myself for letting it happen but I was slowly moving on. She would eventually develop the same powers he had but that's where the resemblance stopped. Despite the harsh life she had, she couldn't fall into darkness. She couldn't think of revenge. I had killed her captor at the citadel, but she had stepped in my way and I had to pull her away. Now we might have killed the man who had brought her to hell but she did not express the slightest happiness at that fact. She looked at the light and followed it stubbornly. She would fight for what she had, never for what she had lost and this made her uniquely different.

She was staring at me. Her hands were shaking slightly again… It was her turn to break the silence:

"I am sorry. I am only making trouble for you. I can only hide and even hidden, I put you in danger…"

"It's normal to rely on one another during fights, Hiroki. It's called teamwork. Without you, I would have been killed… twice! I'll repeat it as many times as I need to make it stick into your head! Each time it counted, you rose to the challenge in a spectacular manner. You walked a long way in a few months, give yourself credit for that. My job is to watch your back while you get strong enough to do it yourself. I do it for Sakura too and even Naruto."

It didn't seem to relieve her much.

"I'll tell you something. As a shinobi, I don't value my own life much. As long as I can protect Konoha and the people I love, I am alright with whatever happens to me. I have never thought of the consequences my death might have for the people around me and that felt fine… You, Hiroki, are like that too, right? "

The corners of her lips rose a bit as she nodded.

"What we don't feel for ourselves, we feel for others. When you jumped out of that tree, I understood what others might have felt when I came back from missions barely alive… I have been so scared... I still have no clue of what Takashiro would have done to you if we wouldn't have stopped him but losing you on that day would certainly have crushed me."

I could see the tears forming on her cheeks and fall silently along the curves of her face.

I took a place on the sofa right beside her and pulled her against me. Her head fell on my chest and her arms immediately enlaced me. Killing, recognising that our friends could die on any mission and that we could lose your life just as quickly, those were things all shinobi had to face at some point. Not being alone when we realised it was a luxury few of us had.

"It's alright to fear, Hiroki, I do too. The ninja way is hard. It's a hard world in general... and an unfair one. It would be inhumane not to cry about those things. I had wanted to find a better place for you, one where you could finally live the life that has been robbed from you…"

I felt her arms clutching around me strongly. I knew she would never let team 7 down no matter what happened. It was her most precious, if not only, possession. The strength with which she clung to me at this very instant was only proving that.

"I guess at this point it's not as if you would let me kick you out of this life, even if it has the potential to be even worse than your previous one, am I wrong?"

She did not answer, but we both knew how she felt about this.

"If you are an Uchiha, then I did not give you a new home, I merely brought you back… And you belong here both as a shinobi and as our treasured friend now."

She had stopped sobbing and just clung to me. I could tell she was thinking and this was a good thing. She was resilient, she would be fine.

Not letting go of her, I stretched one of my led behind her back so I could rest against the sofa. I felt an instant relief in my still sore body. I didn't want to move from there. I was just happy to be stuck between the warmth of the sofa and that of her frail body while gently caressing her hair. I still dreamt of that mighty woman I saw on the battlefield a few days ago, I think I was starting to get a crush on her, but moments like this reminded me that, despite her age, she was still just a child in so many ways.

::

 _ **Thanks for keeping up! Please R &R!**_


	11. Chapter11:Kakashi: Hearts Beating as One

**Chapter 11: Kakashi: Hearts Beating as One**

When I awoke I realised that we had both fallen asleep on the sofa.

I looked at her small body rise and fall quietly. This frail living thing had saved me once again.

I tucked her hair behind her ear. It had gotten darker and longer but also silkier and thicker. She had been malnourished back then but it started to show less and less now.

I closed my arms around her feeling the guilt overcoming me. What was it with me? Was I so lonely and desperate?

I swear if Iruka would just let me into his life I wouldn't be such a creepy animal. Now my body was leading me again to the closest source of warmth and comfort.

I breathed in her scent for a bit. I had to wake her up or who knew what I would do.

"Hiroki…" I whispered letting my fingers linger in her hair a few seconds more.

She slowly opened her eyes, then realising where she was, pushed herself away from me.

"Sorry," she said a slight blush on her cheeks. I wouldn't let her small mind run in that direction for too long…

"Maa, I guess we are the same. We just consume our energy till the very last bit and collapse. To think I had hoped you could reason me on that!"

She chuckled and went to the kitchen to prepare breakfast.

::

I had left home early on that day. There were quite a few things I needed to do. The last of which brought me to Iruka's house.

"Oi, Iruka! Are you busy?"

As I crouched on the windowsill, I could hear the typical sound of paper and pen scratching.

"No, please come in! I couldn't bear my little hellions' bad answers anyway. I need to take a break!"

I swiftly removed my shoes and sat on the sofa's armrest since the whole piece of furniture was buried under books and papers. The dinner table was no better and was covered with exam copies. He often did that when he graded. The good tests went on the pile on the right while the failing – or nearly failing – copies went to the far left. The others were spread in the middle. When the test demanded more complex answers he often curved the grades. "The students are not the only ones responsible for bad tests results!" he often said.

There was, however, a clear space to his right filled with a slim blue bottle and a small cup.

"Sake? Were they that bad?"

"Yeah... and if you add to that the awful pile of mission reports I got from jōnins at the mission desk, I really deserve a bit of time off. I am happy to have someone clever around for a change."

"Maa... my mission reports are not a lot better, sensei..." I said to lighten the mood.

"Well at least you do it on purpose and, when I am not the one receiving them, I admit they are quite funny!"

Iruka wasn't like usual. There was something off. First, he was not a drinker. He wouldn't casually pour himself sake when he was alone…

"Paperwork should be fun sometimes; don't you think?" I added to test him further.

He smiled lightly but, no. Something was amiss. His fiery temper was nowhere to be seen. He went to the kitchen and grabbed an extra cup.

"Now that you are here, please help me finish this bottle."

The cup made a sharp noise on the wooden surface. Without waiting for an answer, he quickly filled it and put it into my hand.

"Thanks," I answered carefully watching him.

"Sorry, he said looking at the sofa. I'll make a bit of place for us."

While he busied himself putting the books back on the shelves, I dug into the _F_ pile of papers at the very left of the table.

"Let me see this... Oh! This one is creative! Correcting the trajectory of a shuriken on a windy day by blowing really hard in the opposite direction... or henge into a book to sneak in the library after hours… Not very efficient but I kind of like that thinking."

Iruka made a discouraged smile but kept silent. This wasn't good. He would usually have either expressed his discouragement at the stupidity of some of his students or scolded me for making fun of children. I continued still. I found this rather entertaining.

"Oh! There is one answer I disagree with. For question five, he wrote: 'Ask to Hanabi for the answer because she is the _cleverliest_...' That's technically not the best use of intel. Asking you directly would be more efficient but I guess he is on the right path, it's still worth at least half the points to me…"

"Guess you are reading Konohamaru's copy?" he answered sternly.

"Bingo! Seriously, how can you ever get bored?"

"After a while it gets repetitive... Don't your students do things that annoy you to a point you can't find funny once in a while?"

He was done cleaning up. I put Konohamaru's test back on the pile and jumped on the sofa beside him.

"Well, the problems that I have with my genins are a bit different... Want to see a great example of this?"

He was curious.

Right before going to his house, I had broken into Konoha's archives and looked for a certain file. I took it out of my vest and put it in hid hands.

"Look at the picture in there. Doesn't it look familiar?"

There was a small child, maybe 4 or 5 years old with long brown hair. The chubbiness might have fooled me, but those deep teal eyes couldn't be mistaken for anyone else.

"No, you... you found out who she was..."

He flipped the pages fiercely for a name then stopped suddenly.

" _Uchiha Akemi_ , I... I don't know if I should be happy or terrified... are you certain it's her?"

"I saw her use the sharingan in front of a man who knew her name... that reduces the margin of error quite a bit, don't you think?"

He scratched his scar taking in all the new information.

"The sharingan? Is she in danger?"

"I don't know. Tsunade's checking though… Please don't tell anyone about this."

"And Tsunade sama let you fly away with that file? Isn't it a bit reckless?" I could already hear reproach in his tone.

"I kind of borrowed it…"

"Kakashi!"

Here was the teacher voice!

"You sneaked into the archives! You are not above the rules you know! Besides, a missing file could draw attention!"

He was right, it had been an impulsive move but, I couldn't help it, I was like that with everything that concerned Hiroki.

"Well, nobody is suspecting anything out of the ordinary yet, the file will be back before anyone notices…"

"Kakashi…"

I cut him immediately.

"I know what you are going to say… ' _Damn jōnin_ ,' right?"

"No. it's rather s _tupid genius!_ He replied. Can't you even think straight? Well, I guess there is not much we can do about it now that it is out. Let me look at it!"

He snatched the file from me while I described the battle enthusiastically with full details and comments. When I was finished, he put the file back on the table.

I guess I can't think about complex things like that anymore today, he said pouring more sake in both our cups.

Looking at him attentively, I could see he was visibly tired… tired with a hint of something else. There was a tint of sadness in his large chocolate eyes and I finally started to wonder if something bad happened while I was away.

"Iruka, the sake, it's not your students, right? There is something else on your mind?"

He just nodded, avoiding my gaze. I wondered what it was exactly. Naruto was well and overflowing with his usual energy… I saw no clue that any child had been injured while I was at the hospital… There were no new rumours of any kind around the mission room… It had to be personal… but what could it be? Iruka was insanely strong and optimistic. He always found solutions to any problem. Apart from something bad happening to a student or ex-student, he was unsinkable.

Tonight, he wouldn't tell me, or else he would have done so when I came in. He wanted something else.

"Iruka… Tell me... Is there anything I can do?"

He thought carefully about it, seeming to hesitate…

"Can you… Can you help me forget?"

This was new. He had always been the one to pick me up, he never seemed to need anyone. I had no clue of what to do.

"You are sure you don't wanna talk about it instead?"

"No."

He hesitated for a while as if shy to ask for comfort from me. The fact that it came so unnaturally to him told a lot about how broken and one-sided our relationship was.

He finally climbed on my knees and held me by the collar of my vest. I lost myself in the sadness of his eyes, totally helpless. Even with all this pain contained in his soul, he was still the most beautiful living being I ever saw. He looked back at me as if I was coming from another realm as if I couldn't possibly coexist in the same world, as if I could disappear at any moment. He slowly removed my hitai-ate and pushed my mask down. With his finger, he gently traced the long vertical scar over my eye. I wanted to smile to make him feel better but I still couldn't shake off the strange feeling I had.

He closed the space between us and kissed me.

There was a rare passion in that kiss, it even felt a bit desperate. It wasn't how he would normally kiss me. If there was anything, I would say I was the one who usually kissed that way; with such bold and unrestrained desire.

I was so shocked I couldn't move. I had never felt this wanted before, not by Iruka. What we customarily had was more playful and casual.

The sensei backed up and stared at me with an obvious deception.

"Why?… he said hesitantly. You don't… want it?"

"Iruka sensei… you are sad…" I said my voice failing me a little. I felt a strange sorrow, but also and incredible warmth forming in my chest. Maybe I was allowed to hope for something more than what we shared. Iruka pulled together a bit of his teacher assuredness. He would ask, but not plead for this.

"You are so dense for a genius! Can't you see I need you?"

I didn't know how to be there for him, but he had told me what he had wanted from me for tonight… and I could give it to him.

I _wanted_ to give it to him.

I put his hitai-ate next to mine on the side table and pulled the hairband from his hair. I never got bored at how the cascading brown locks fell around his face.

His eyes, his lovely brown eyes, were shut closed. He breathed out slowly.

I hugged him with all I had and kissed him, slowly caressing his back. The second kiss was less hurried but just as desired. When we finally let go, both of us were panting.

"You, me, bed?" I said teasingly. He smiled. His expression looked a bit stale but still genuine.

I carried him on my hips and dropped him on his mattress, pulling his shirt over his head. My eyes feasting over the dark and smooth skin covering his hard abs and…

As I was getting rid of the shirt, I felt something knock on the bridge of my nose making me wince. I knew what it was.

That dolphin pendant…

Iruka was always wearing it under his shirt. It was a gift his parents had given him not long before that incident with the kyūbi. When they died, he swore never to remove the necklace… and he kept to his word no matter what. He kept it on while he slept, under the shower, in the few undercover missions he made. Not even when I pleaded that I felt as if his parents were watching us would he accept to put it aside. He would keep it on. Always. It was part of him.

The pendant looked as if it were carved out of wood but it was surprisingly heavy, so heavy sometimes I thought it was made of stone. Despite the numerous injuries I had to suffer because of the damned necklace, I had to admit it looked good on him – the leather string matching his dark hair and the wood only a tint lighter.

I couldn't help but stare at him biting on one of my knuckles a bit anxious. Usually, I never compared my body to anyone's, but he was so gorgeous with his caramel skin and defined chest that I felt totally outclassed. Man, I was a killing machine! I was supposed to be ripped but he was sitting most of the day, how could he keep so fit?

"What?" Iruka said with a bit of annoyance in his voice suddenly looking at me.

"You are sublime, Iruka…"

I buried my nose in his hair, dragging my fingers over the smooth flesh.

It felt so different tonight. It wasn't the usual urgent desire that needed to be filled, it was just Iruka taking me in.

I felt him breathing in my scent as he undressed me, tasting my skin, running his wide fingers over the scars that decorated my body. His hand felt for this misplaced vertebra in my lower back; his thumb pushed against the muscles to reach the imperfectly healed fracture on my right femur… He was aiming for all of those slight physical imperfections that made me who I am. I had never felt so wanted before. It was as if it suddenly had been important that it was me and no one else. It was as if he truly loved me.

… and I wanted to love him back so much!

I felt the familiar feeling coiling inside of me. It was our first time all over again. I was both excited and paralysed. I felt clumsy but that didn't seem to bother him, if anything, it just made him smile to see me so weak in front of him.

I feigned to lead, but I truly just read the cues his body gave me. I felt the rise and fall of his abdomen under my fingers, the slight tension as I carelessly glided the back of my fingers over his nipple. I could already feel him hard against my hip.

 _I love you so much Iruka, so much that it hurts!_

I just wanted to play with him and extend this moment forever. I just wanted to believe that this love was true…

As if he knew I was getting emotional, he suddenly flipped me on my back holding my wrists tightly against the mattress.

"What is happening with you 'Kashi? You are so slow tonight!" he said teasing me with a small kiss on the nose. I liked when he attempted to overpower me. Of course, he was able to do it only because I let him, but his daring attitude sent shivers in my chest. He forcefully grounded his hips against mine sending electricity through my whole body but I was immediately brought down to earth feeling the hard pendant knock right under my chin.

"Ow!"

 _Damned necklace!_

Iruka giggled a bit before releasing me so I could rub the pain away a little.

"Sorry," he said only half meaning it.

Sighing, I brought him closer to me until his forehead was right against mine. I smirked a little.

"You know, I am beginning to think your parents disapprove of me…"

I pulled at the leather string at the back of his neck until the pendant was almost against his throat and made a loose knot to shorten it.

"There we go, problem solved… Where were we?"

"For a prodigy, you really have short attention span!" he said taunting me. He wasn't back from the pain but he was definitely feeling a bit better if he was able to nag me like that.

"'Ruka," I felt a bit uncertain about this but I had to ask it. "Wanna top tonight?" I knew he did it with others. It was his night tonight. I still didn't know what hurt him so much but maybe fully inverting our roles would help…

Instead, he looked at me with a curious expression.

"Since when do you bottom, Kakashi? It's almost as if… _you care_ …"

 _I_ _ **do**_ _care Iruka, it's you that never let me in!_

I knew better than to tell him out loud. He would kick me out and it would hurt… and forfeiting the closeness we shared right now would probably hurt him even more.

But, at the same time, it was genuinely annoying that the only person I wanted to let in constantly pressured me into the bored and lazy persona I displayed to force others out. That he was able to use it against me so efficiently only proved how well he knew the game I was playing.

"No, he said shyly, I don't wanna top. Just take me like you usually do. I… I _like_ it." There was a sweet blush spreading across his cheeks.

I kissed his forehead.

I reached for the bottle of lube he kept in the first drawer of his nightstand. I quickly flipped the cap and poured a generous amount on my fingers.

I breached into him. I knew his body so well by now that I didn't need to search very long to find what I was looking for. His head arched back scattering the brown locks over the pillow and moaned softly. Just looking at him sent shivers all over my body but there was no way I would take him unprepared. I inserted a second finger stretching him slowly while my teeth grazed at his nipple. Instinctively, his hands reached for my hair and he ground his erection against mine. I gasped.

This made him smile again. He knew only a few selected people could make me react that way. He could make me lose control at any time but I would not let him win! I plunged on him and swallowed him whole inserting yet another finger inside him making sure he would see stars.

He grasped the bed sheets tightly his body bending gracefully under me.

"Please, 'Kashi…"

I released him. Just hearing his voice was enough to bring me dangerously close to the edge. I wanted it so much!

I sank into him and the world abruptly went out of focus. It felt so good I thought I wouldn't survive it. The next thing I remembered was falling over him, both of us panting and totally spent. I was barely aware when he brought me close to him and pushed my head to rest on his chest.

"Kashi, I lo-"

There was a small pause, it was only a fraction of second before he caught himself.

"I liked it so much. Thank you."

I could live with that. He stopped before spilling the words, but it was as close as he would get. I let him come back down to earth. When his breath evened out, I rose over him, almost losing myself in his eyes again.

"Damn, Iruka! You feel so good I almost completely blacked out!" I said with a smile.

He smiled too, but his eyes suddenly widened. The sadness rushed back and soon he was shivering all over again. I was helpless. What could I do!

He threw himself against me his head digging into my chest. The sobs he had been holding back were suddenly freed and his façade collapsed completely.

"Iruka?"

I had never seen him like that. When in pain he would usually piss everyone off and covered it with a loud verbal combativity.

"Iruka! I am there…" I said slowly caressing his back. He slowly gathered his strength, then spoke:

"When you came back, half-dead and poisoned… I thought that you wouldn't make it…"

I _had_ been dense. I never thought about the fact that he could have worried for me. Sakura and Naruto were, in general, a bit less concerned – to them, I was some kind of half-immortal being. As long as I got to the hospital, I would survive… but Iruka knew better... he had seen lots of shinobi, lots of friends coming back from missions only to die a few days later.

Well, I was there. I was alive beside him. Considering the walls he always built between us, it was pretty much the best I could do. If I stayed too long he would get mad at me for sticking in his bed. He always did.

I told him so many times already that I thought he deserved better than those fleeting nights in the arms of all these men. He deserved someone to be there for him, someone to patch him up when things went wrong. I was probably a bad candidate for that since, of all his bedmates, I was the most likely to die on him but, just for tonight, I could at least give him a little of this love I harboured…

I looked at him again. He seemed sad but peaceful. If I were to leave now like he wanted me to, he wouldn't get out of bed. I couldn't let him fall asleep messy like that, it would just make him feel worse in the morning. I got up and walked toward the bathroom.

Iruka quietly rose his head, but I could definitely see the seed of panic in his eyes. He couldn't have changed his mind about our agreement? Could he?

His voice was barely a whisper.

"Please... stay… for the night... would you?"

I was stunned. I wanted to smile and cry at the same time. I had hoped for that for so long... just to spend the night cuddled to the warmth of his body and wake up beside him. Now I fully understood the extent of his sadness.

So, he did like me that much…

"Have a few things to take care of, but I'll be back in a few minutes."

I dropped a kiss on his large forehead put on my pants and got out of the room.

The first thing I saw when I got in the room again was the opened folder containing the picture of Hiroki. A cute and happy child she was. Her parents, right behind her, had seemed to be nice and caring people. Too bad they didn't get to raise her… or maybe it was lucky. She probably would have been dead instead. I couldn't help but wonder why she had been kidnapped. It's not as if she had been the last Uchiha alive at the time. Their clan was pretty much flourishing then.

 _What had they done to you, Hiroki?_

I closed the file and carefully tucked in my vest.

Then, I summoned Pakkun. I knew he had a soft spot for the girl. He would make sure she wouldn't worry for me again tonight.

I came back to Iruka and cleaned him with a warm towel. His eyes were slightly red but I said nothing about it.

"Kakashi?... Sorry, I was selfish, you are just back from the hospital, I should let you go."

"Iruka, how many times have you been there for me?"

It was probably too many for either of us to be able to count.

"Anyway, if I am with you there is actually more chance that I actually spend time in bed as Tsunade recommended. It's a win-win sensei."

He smiled lightly but seemed to remember something.

"But, Hiroki…"

"Shhhhhh… I said putting a finger against his mouth. "She's old enough... and Pakkun is with her. Tonight, you are the only one that counts for me and I won't let you change that."

Why couldn't I fall for Tenzo or Anko. It would have been so much easier… but no, I had to love people with strong ideals and intact morals, people that, despite having seen so much pain and violence still basked in the blinding light of life. There is really no way for a cynical creature of the shadows like me to leave their world untarnished. It's just a question of how much I could minimise the marks I left on them.

 _Iruka, let me pretend I don't hurt you so much…_

I smuggled behind him nesting my nose in his soft hair and held him against my chest as if never willing to let go.

 _My heart wants to love, wants to share your life so badly._

"Kakashi… thank you."

 _I love you too, Iruka._


	12. Chapter 12: Iruka: The War Hero

**Chapter 12: Iruka: The Man and the War Hero**

The next day I had woken up enlaced in his strong body, his arms keeping me snuggled against him. It was the first time we ever woke up together. We did go on missions together several years ago but never had shared a bed then.

There was no doubt about how much I loved him. Sometimes he was insufferable and childish but he was also sweet, clever and caring. He was this strange mix of child and adult; professional and responsible to a fault but, when out of mission mode, annoyingly catching up on the childhood he never had.

Some people in the village had guessed right but most didn't know what pure beauty hid under all the sturdy fabric covering him. He had surprisingly long lashes for a man and his features were delicate without being feminine. Sleeping like this he looked young, so much younger than his age; his face losing all knowledge of the pains of the shinobi life. Alas, the scars remained, each one telling its own morbid tale but overall his sculpted body and pale skin gave him the appearance of a young god.

My head resting on his shoulder and arm thrown over his chest, I felt a peace and completeness I couldn't dream of anywhere else. I wished I could live like this with him… but I couldn't.

I knew I had been weak the day before. It was obvious how much we loved each other but I knew that, if we ever got together, our love would be short-lived. I would leave too soon for him and I felt that Kakashi had lost way too many loved ones already to live through the loss of yet another one.

I wouldn't let us become a couple. I had made certain of that.

I had fixed rules and fought with him over them countless times. I forced him to believe I did not feel more than affection for him. I always took a few one night stands on the side, to make sure he accepted that what we shared wasn't exclusive, but lately, I had been unable to do so. I couldn't find it in me to desire anyone else.

I knew... I should just have pushed him out of my life. That would have been better and easier… for both of us, but I couldn't. I had told myself it was because he needed me and that I couldn't let him down but deep down I knew I was only deceiving myself. I needed him probably more than he ever needed me.

That morning, I had thought he would have taken advantage of my weakness but he had been surprisingly understanding. He checked that I was feeling better and left. The next times we met I had seen the hope in his eyes but when I told him to leave, he did.

It was almost painful to see him that docile and able to control himself but this was what I wanted after all.

Unfortunately, this obedience was limited to this aspect of his life and this aspect only. When it came to Hiroki, it seemed he was willing to break any rule. The incursion in Konoha's archives had probably the worse offence but there had been many other smaller misdeeds he committed on a daily basis. The most annoying of them was his expected lateness in bringing me the girl for her private lessons to which she would always apologise with heavy guilt in her eyes.

Yet, I couldn't help to think that it was cute to see them together. Kakashi used every pretext to catch up on her practical training. Even the more mundane tasks like grocery shopping or commuting became exercises in observation and stealth. Her mind was getting used to being always awake and sharp. Despite the fact that I would see her almost daily, marvelled at the speed of her progress. I couldn't deny that Kakashi was doing a better job with her than I ever thought would be possible.

It showed how much he loved teaching her. He was always thinking of team 7 but she held a special place. The child was indeed a gratifying one to teach. She worked hard to get anything asked of her done and was curious beyond what was offered to her. Moreover, she was incredibly grateful for any time invested in her to the point of guilt.

She was like a small sister to him but I had the feeling she could become more that. In fact, I wanted her to become more...

This is why I trained her in and out of the standard curriculum. I based my teachings on what she lacked but also on Kakashi's fighting style and tactics. I gave her the basics, but with a twist I knew her rebellious jōnin sensei would enjoy.

She would be my gift to him.

::

That afternoon, she had come alone to my class. She had brought with her a thermos of tea and a few cookies.

"So how is it studying with Kakashi?" I asked casually, knowing her sensei wasn't around since I knew he wouldn't have missed the chance to see me if he would have been able to make it.

"Infuriating," she said with a daring that was quite refreshing for her.

"What did he do?" I said giggling at the possible scenarios I knew he could put her through.

"It's nothing in particular," she said a bit thoughtful. "It's just that when I am with him, I feel as if I can never move forward, not even an inch!"

This was good. She was seeing through his game easily enough.

"I feel as if I was a small puppy fighting my way in a furious river, almost drowning every step of the way and when I finally reach the safety of the shore and think I finally grasped something, he just looks at me saying: 'good but no good' and throws me back in without any kind of guidance."

I couldn't help but laugh.

"I don't think anyone had given a more accurate definition of Kakashi's attitude toward his pupils. Don't worry Hiroki, it's just his style. If he is still like that with you, it's that he believes you can figure it out. Otherwise, he would have just given up and made it easier on you."

She looked somewhat relieved. I could tell that the training had been a bit tough on her.

"So, where did we stop in our last history lesson?"

With the amount of private tutoring I did, it was hard to keep up with what I taught to every student. I took notes but I was glad Hiroki was so serious and always remembered.

"We were discussing the Third Shinobi World War. You were about to teach me about the Kannabi bridge incident…"

Kannabi bridge… I remembered why I had stopped the lesson there. Kakashi… When I taught that lesson in class, I was always a bit uneasy. Knowing the scars it left on him made all textbooks sound hollow but, when teaching to my pre-genins, I could shut down my mind and keep to the text. Teaching it to Hiroki would be different. I wanted her to know what war truly was but also I wanted to give her some tools to read beyond Kakashi's lazy façade so that she could build the strong relationship I wished them to have.

True heroes look no different than the neighbour next door. That truly fitted Kakashi. In Konoha, he was a playful and smiling man. Someone a bit stubborn and socially awkward but who genuinely cared about the village and the people around him. He would get more serious on missions and could be both stunning and frustrating when one considered the ease at which he moved on a battlefield but he was still very human. When you were there to witness it, what he did was no miracle. It was all one decision after the next, and then, the mission was done and everyone was safe. It just looked all too easy.

It's only when one took a step back and realised the difficulty of the missions he was involved in and how bad it could have turned out if any of the decision he made had been different that one realised how special he was. Of course, he had his reputation following him: the copy-nin, the ruthless ex-ANBU, but these were only unreasoned attempts at explaining his efficiency on the field; a strong case of emotions overruling reason.

But Kakashi wasn't ever really ruthless. He knew when to kill or spare a life. He also knew that whenever he killed, there was a cost as, each time, a small part of him died with his victim and grieved with his loved ones. Kakashi also wasn't the best sharingan user. He was called the copy-nin but all the Uchiha before him had been able to do the same, if not better. If he was feared so much, it was because he had the brains and the strong determination to use it well.

Hiroki had met the man before the reputation. When she understood Kakashi's name was in history books for a mission that drastically changed the outcome of the last great war a blush covered her face.

"Kakashi… is a war hero? He never speaks about those things…"

"I think it is because he believes that being called a hero is a meagre compensation for what you lose fighting. War can only be glorified by people who haven't seen it. Now, I am going to tell you about what has been kept out of history books…"

I wanted her to know about the pain and the sacrifices he had made to become who he was. You might be born a prodigy, but it didn't mean you would become part of the elite as an adult. It is not the sharingan or his early education that rendered Kakashi truly powerful. It was the deep pain and the short joys, the will to live all experiences and finally open up. It was an awareness of what life meant that most civilian and even shinobi didn't have.

She had listened quietly. I could feel this lesson had reached its target. She would never look at history in that same light and happy way again. Not that I was happy to rob her of that pleasure, history was probably the most entertaining topic in all of my classes, but patriotism could be blinding and being blind is not something desirable if you were growing up beside someone like Kakashi.

Even if I did not tell her what to do with that information, I knew she would figure out in time.

We skipped to more practical exercise but it didn't take long before I sensed a presence.

It was ANBU, three of them.

I was extremely surprised by this. They usually wouldn't ask more than one of them to come.

"Umino Iruka sensei, the Hokage wants to see you," said the tallest ANBU.

I looked at Hiroki waiting for their instructions.

"We will stay with your student," said a second soldier. "Umino sensei, I believe that you were teaching her. Is there anything you want her to do while you are away?"

Hiroki was nervous. I could understand her since I was too but I wouldn't let her notice it.

"Oh! Is it the first time you see ANBU, Hiroki?"

She nodded.

"They are Konoha's special elite force. They are allies. Most of their missions involve secrecy so you can't ask about their name or background, but they are there to protect you and the village."

Her face relaxed a little.

I looked around in my files and found a copy of an old exam.

"Try to answer this, I said. I don't expect you to get it all right, but it will give us a chance to assess where you are at."

With that, I left following the ANBU.

It was strange. The Hokage knew that I was with Hiroki so it must be important… but then, why not just ask Hiroki to go back home? Why waste ANBU resources on her? And where was Kakashi?

I guess there was no point in wondering.

I would know soon enough.


	13. Chapter 13: Iruka: Mediation

**Chapter 13: Iruka: Mediation**

We didn't need to go very far. The Hokage tower was right beside the academy. The ANBU opened the door of the conference room and let me in. Without a word, the guard waiting on the other side pulled me by the sleeve and pushed me to stand right beside him against the wall.

Kakashi was sitting there, his back to me, his silver hair reflecting in the dim light of the room. From the expression on everyone's face, I could tell he was in some trouble. Tsunade was seated to his right. She acknowledged my presence by a quick glance and turned back to her interlocutors. I recognised Utatane Koharu, a stern, but fair woman in her seventies. There was also the councillor Mitokado Homura wearing his usual green glasses. The third one receded in the shadows, but I could tell from the heavy bandages over his head that it was Shimura Danzō, the leader of ROOT.

The whole Konoha council was there. They had asked me here, but why? I was surprised I had clearance enough to hear such a conversation.

"You know that what you did is pretty problematic," said Koharu addressing Kakashi with a tone full of reproach.

Danzō rose slightly from his chair and intervened.

"You hid the fact she was an Uchiha from the Council. You know what kind of problems a new Uchiha could bring!"

Kakashi looked serious. I wondered for how long they had been debating. That explained why Hiroki had come alone to her lesson today.

"It was not meant to stay that way, I just wanted to make certain we had all the information before bringing this element to the attention of the elder council."

I knew that Kakashi wasn't exactly lying on this point but his case didn't exactly look good…

"And when would you have been certain enough? And why did you steal her file in the archives?" asked Danzō with a sly smile.

Tsunade, who probably hadn't known about the ordeal, reacted loudly:

"What? You…" I could see Tsunade used all her self-restraint not to complete that sentence but I could still hear the unspoken _Brat_ at the end.

The file. Of course, they would have figured out by now. I hoped that I hadn't been called here because they sensed my chakra on it. Kakashi would certainly shield me, I wasn't worried about that, but it could still turn out pretty bad.

"The file of Uchiha Akemi has been stolen from the archive room and found in the possession of Hatake san," said Homura as a quick explanation to Tsunade.

She was obviously baffled by the actions of one of her most loyal jōnin. Danzō took the opportunity to push on this further to create a bit of distrust between the two.

"We can't help but deduce that it was with the intention of destroying it so that we couldn't figure out who she was."

The glance Tsunade threw at Kakashi at that very moment said everything. If she could she would have certainly whacked him behind the head.

Kakashi looked annoyed by Danzō's comment stepped a bit out of his characteristic bored character but still kept his voice even.

"There is nothing in that file apart from a picture that vaguely resembles her and the mention of a child's disappearance. There is no evidence of a true link between Hiroki and the girl on the picture. There was nothing worth bringing to the attention of this council yet."

"But you haven't brought the file back..." Homura countered.

I could feel the irritation flaring in Kakashi's chakra. He wouldn't fall for such seemingly naïve question. They were trying to corner him. Although he played it on others all the time, he hated that kind of game with passion. I could tell he just wanted to snap out of it. Looking at Homura with a thinly veiled disdain, he used his best patronizing tone:

"Well sneaking in and out of the archives is not as easy as it seems, Homura sama…"

Tsunade glared at him with an air of disapproval. The time was surely not well chosen for that kind of joke.

Danzō decided to push the discussion on an even more slippery terrain.

"In any case, with the sharingan, she is an Uchiha, no matter which one exactly she is, and given what happened in the clan and with Sasuke, it is in her blood to defect. That is why we need to interrogate her."

Kakashi bent over the table his head tilting in defiance.

"This is unnecessary. She is nothing like Uchiha Sasuke or even Uchiha Itachi. She won't betray Konoha. I can vouch for her on that. In fact, I am so certain she will never defect that I am willing to guarantee it with my very own life!"

The bandaged elder listened with interest but did not let go. He looked like he had many cards up his sleeves still.

"We appreciate the trust you put in her but who knows if she hadn't already used the sharingan on you. This is why ROOT will conduct an interrogation."

Kakashi looked at Tsunade with a serious air. This was not a game anymore to him.

"Can't ANBU do it? Isn't T&I their department?" he said flatly.

"Kakashi, I am at the head of ANBU and I am too involved," Tsunade pleaded. "We have to leave it to them in order to settle this matter once and for all…"

I could see that Kakashi heavily disagreed with her but still understood.

"Hatake san," said Kahoru with her calm and rational voice. "It has been decided that you will bring her to the ROOT compound at 3PM tomorrow before which you will have told her that she is to comply with any order she receives there."

Danzō smiled lightly.

"We need to assess her and if there are any threats," he added. "If all is well, then she will reintegrate Konoha as a genin but if we have the slightest suspicion, we will need to either to train her in a more adequate manner or annihilate her."

 _A more adequate manner..._ This implied that our work as educators was also under scrutiny. That was probably why I had been asked to come here.

Kakashi, however, wasn't about to let go.

"I would like to highlight the fact that it is that kind of defiance that creates defectors. For now, all is well and she wouldn't have the strength to do any damage to the village even is she wanted to. I am the one responsible for her education but also for her well being and I believe that a formal interrogation at this point not only would be premature but could badly shake her trust in the village.

I didn't like it. Danzō's smile only widened further. We were falling into a trap.

"Do you mean by that that you disagree, Hatake san?"

"Will all due respect, I do. I strongly disagree."

Homura moved a bit in his chair. He wasn't afraid per see, but no one ever wanted to see a Hatake Kakashi bursting and enter _full_ _killing-mode_ without making sure to remind him of where he stood in Konoha's hierarchy beforehand.

"Well we appreciate your concern, Hatake san, but in our case, it's irrelevant and dangerous. You have no other options. Either we kill her right now, or we give her a chance to prove herself."

Kakashi's chakra flared out of control for a second.

"She has already proven her loyalty to Konoha several times!"

I looked at him, his tone was loud, his chakra contained but barely. The air became heavy. This was usually the point at which he would burst out and threaten to kill someone. This was bad…

…but Danzō wouldn't let go. I could tell he had a personal grudge against Kakashi. It was obvious.

"This is merely your opinion, Hatake... opinion, I want to remind you, of a man who already let an Uchiha defect while under his care…"

Kakashi got up letting his fists fall heavily on the table. I could tell the hatred he felt at that moment went further back than anything related to Hiroki. It was deep and visceral.

"Then please take me to the detention cells," he said. "I will not bring her to the ROOT headquarters neither will I tell her to follow the orders of that snaky man."

He walked directly toward the ANBU not even acknowledging my presence for a second.

Tsunade shouted at him.

"Hatake Kakashi! Stop it! You will come back and sit down at this table immediately!"

He didn't move, not even a little.

"Tsunade, you know we can't let him do this."

Kakashi hadn't used honorifics but Tsunade knew better than to remind him. The jōnin was already at a very dangerous level if he was this uncensored.

"Let him go Tsunade sama," Danzō interjected. "He just said he refused to follow the orders of the council. He knows where his place is."

"He said that out of provocation. Hatake will follow orders no matter what they are."

Kakashi did not turn back. If he kept on being so pig-headed, who knew what sanctions the elders would impose on him. Tsunade had been lenient with him, she knew his value as a shinobi but the elders wouldn't be as inclined to forgive him. This was spiralling out of control way too fast.

I stepped in.

"Kakashi sensei," I said with that soft tone I used with small children, "we all understood that you don't believe she would be a threat to this village and we value your opinion on this matter but this is an issue of high security and is worth debating until all parties feel secure about the question."

From the angle I was, I couldn't see his eye, but I could see him biting his lips through the mask. I continued:

"You certainly don't need to go to the extent of sitting in a cell to prove your point? Why don't you just go and sit in Hokage's office for a while? Would that be ok with you Tsunade sama?"

Tsunade nodded with relief.

He turned toward me. I looked at him in a silent plea. The kind of attitude he had would make the situation even worse... He understood immediately. I knew he would. Even when he got this angry, he still recalled who was on his side. His chakra immediately calmed down. He shyly looked down and up, his eye softening as a silent thanks and apology.

"I will," he said calmly.

Danzō jumped up as if willing to do anything to annoy the jōnin further.

"Of course, He will. We knew you would react strongly to this Hatake. We took the extra precaution of injecting her with a serum when Umino sensei left her in case you'd want to attempt anything foolish. It's untraceable and innocuous but, if she doesn't show up by 3 tomorrow afternoon to get the counter serum, it will activate and kill her on the spot... Unlike you Hatake, I care about Konoha's safety and I am not going to risk it for a girl!"

Kakashi couldn't suppress a grunt which seemed to greatly satisfy Danzō. He had effectively tied the famous Copy-nin up.

"Tsunade sama, we can't leave such an unstable jōnin alone. An ANBU will stay with him."

Kakashi didn't say a word. He didn't turn back to Danzō or confront him in any way. He simply picked one of the ANBU by quickly looking at him and got out.

I wanted to let out a sigh of relief, but I just humbly kept my eyes on the table.

I could tell Danzō felt as he had won the battle and just wanted to wash out the remainders of the enemy troops.

"Well," he said with a false detachment, "this little scene proves that he is totally unfit to care for her. We cannot leave a child with that potential in the hands of someone who thinks so lightly of deflection."

"This is another matter, Danzō. One that can probably wait after your investigation right?" Tsunade said, not about to give up so soon.

Koharu who had remained silent for most of the fight was still thinking. It was not the first time she had faced an unruly Kakashi and knew better than to infuriate the jōnin further. She was grateful that the situation had been dealt with so easily.

"I never thought that Hatake san would listen to anyone. What relationship does you two have so that he would accept what you say so easily," she said looking at me with a soft expression.

Tsunade took over.

"Umino sensei is invaluable. He has the special gift of being able to tame jōnins."

I looked down again.

"Please don't think too much of it, elders sama. Shinobi have been trained since childhood to obey orders when they are precise and said with a sharp tone. Knowing how they were taught as children just makes it easier to know how to talk to them."

Koharu seemed impressed by my apparent humility.

"I understood you have an important role in Hiroki's education, Umino sensei. Will you please sit down with us and help us figure out what to do with this issue?"

By accepting to leave, Kakashi had entrusted Hiroki's fate to me. I didn't know why he was opposed to that interrogation so much, but I hoped I could do something to get them to drop the idea. If anything, I was maybe best suited than Kakashi for the job…

Ok Umino, I said to myself, make your best impression!

I spoke softly:

"What can I do for the village?"

::

Kakashi was right to suspect Danzō of something, the man was a real snake. There was no way to corner him or know his true intentions. I played the pure and naïve teacher part asking obvious and non-threatening questions most of the time. It seemed to work since the aggression level lowered significantly.

I spent 3 hours there. There was just no way to make the elders, and especially Danzō, back up on this point. The fear of the Uchiha still burned ardently in them. As for Danzō, he seemed to have two main motives pushing him: an unclear interest in Hiroki's power and a passionate hatred for Kakashi... the later probably being the stronger of the two.

When we finally entered Tsunade's office, Kakashi's gaze went straight to me. I wanted to reassure him but the meeting had been so long and difficult and I was attacked by a severe migraine. I just felt like shit.

"Tsunade... may I sit?" I said barely able to hold up a facade anymore.

She just nodded.

I let myself fall on the chair exhaling loudly. Holding my head in my hands I looked back at Kakashi.

"Ok Kakashi, I did the best I could and Tsunade sama too," I said as a warning. "Hiroki will have to go, but I'll go with her as a witness."

Kakashi seemed unimpressed. I could see his cold-blooded assassin eye calculating the possible outcomes.

"You are not going there either! They will mess with you!"

He was going to argue again, but with all the talk we did in the conference room, I knew no better deal could be had. I rose my voice.

"Get back on earth, Kakashi! You can't just threaten the elders and expect them to bend to your will! It's that or they'll kill her. "

I didn't tell him that taking away her eyes had also been in the possible options…

"Even if right now we possessed the antidote to the serum they gave her, you know as well as I do that, if ROOT wants her dead, it will only be a matter of time. There is just no amount of protection that will save her! We need an agreement!"

He had sat back on his chair, visibly shaken. I breathed slowly trying the get my headache under control.

"Listen Kakashi! I know Danzō seems highly suspicious and that he most certainly plans something, but what are you going to do with her? Make her flee Konoha? Turn rogue with her? Now if you want something better for Hiroki chan, get rational and use that brain of yours."

There was a silence on his part. Then he sighed.

"How can this even be legal," he said to himself in frustration. "It's Danzō that should be interrogated... Tsunade, they will use genjutsu on her and force her to join ROOT. They'll apply the curse seal on her and that will be the end of it. She will be gone. That's what ROOT does... or..."

"Or?" Tsunade asked, interested.

He stayed silent, pondering, then turned to me.

"Iruka, don't say anything about this… to anyone."

"Is it classified information Kakashi? You know you are not allowed to disclose it in front of Iruka..."

"It is classified, but he needs to understand what he is getting into and I trust him. I know you do too."

"If you must..."

I turned toward him. He closed his eye. He looked at least as exhausted as I was.

"Danzō had tried to steal my sharingan in the past, I think he is after her eyes..."

I looked at Tsunade. She didn't seem to be aware of this but it was obvious she thought the same as I. He had proposed to make her blind, could it be more than a coincidence?

"My hands are tied on this Kakashi. If I stand for Hiroki, I risk being forced to resign and if I do, who do you think will try to claim the seat?"

"Danzō," he replied with a heavy sigh.

"The outcome will be the same for her. And who knows what will happen to Konoha if he takes the lead. I can't sacrifice the village for the sake of an individual no matter how loyal and devoted she is."

"And Danzō? I interrupted. He tried to take your sharingan. There is no way to put that info into the light?"

"No proof, Kakashi said simply. Danzō knows how to move his pawns too well to leave traces..."

Tsunade stood up. It had been a long day for her too.

"Kakashi, go get Hiroki. She is still at the academy. The interrogation is not just about testing the possibility of her to defect, they also want to test your loyalty to Konoha and her loyalty to you to know if she can at least be controlled under our leadership. This mean you will tell her to comply with any order they give her and make certain that she is in my office by 2:30 tomorrow. Understand me well. I am not prohibiting you to think about it. Know that if you have some brilliant idea until then, I'll be willing to listen to it anytime tomorrow, but for now, take some time to think through this. Understood?"

He nodded.

"Then, you are dismissed."

Kakashi left, unpleased but calm. He finally had switched into mission mode. I trusted him to think clearly for a while... and kami knew we needed his brain to work on this one!

Tsunade sat on the front of her desk.

"Sorry to put you in that situation, but I wanted you to witness that conversation. Finally, you ended up being more than helpful. Thank you."

She looked at the ceiling for a while.

"Kakashi will need you especially if it ends in the worse way..."

"I know," I answered calmly.

"How are you holding up? You look like crap..."

"I definitely feel like it."

"Let me look at you..."

She slowly removed my hitai-ate and her hands glowed with green. I closed my eyes. I felt an instant relief.

"I'll send someone to replace you at the academy tomorrow. Try to sleep. I'll send for you early in the afternoon."

"Thank you, Tsunade sama."

::

 _ **Finally! I can't believe it took me so long to reach that point in the story!**_

 _ **I don't know about you guys, but I always underestimate the resources it takes to achieve anything. I underestimate the time it takes to write and the amount of writing it takes to express things adequately. Simple chapters end up getting split in two or three and what I expected to happen in chapter 5 at around 7 000 or 10 000 words is now happening after 34 000!**_

 _ **But you are still there. I see you keeping up with the story and your presence is just incredibly inspiring.**_

 _ **Thank you so much for keeping up!**_


	14. Chapter 14: Hiroki: The Betrayal

**Chapter 14: Hiroki: The Betrayal**

I had filled the test and put the copy in Iruka's top drawer but Iruka did not come back. I had been startled when one of the ANBU pushed a needle into my arm and thought of escaping for a while but it was as Iruka had said: they were elite shinobi and there was no way someone like me could slip through their hands.

The Academy was dark and empty. It was getting very late. Using the history manual as a pillow, I lied on a bench, thinking about the Kannabi bridge incident. Kakashi had almost been a child back then. I remembered the picture of team Minato he kept by his bed. I could swear the man I knew looked a lot less mature than what I saw in the eyes of the child in that picture. I knew a lot of what he did was an act – he was way more serious and clever than what he let on – but knowing about his past made it much more concrete. The reality started to sink in. He was nice and caring toward me but, like everyone else, I knew nothing of him at all. What he really thought was and always had been way beyond me. All along I had been just a child, someone he toyed with.

In the end, there was no need to over analyse, wasn't there? He stayed with me willingly and with the freedom he had in Konoha, he could certainly ditch any responsibility he wanted.

I shifted on the wooden bench trying to find a comfortable position and fell asleep.

::

"Hiroki?"

I felt a warm hand caress my cheek. It wasn't Iruka. The voice was smoother and he wouldn't have touched me like that…

"Hiroki, it's time to go home."

"Kakashi?" I said puzzled. "Where… where is Iruka?"

Looking around, I noticed that we were alone. The ANBU had left.

"Maa… it was a long meeting. Iruka is not finished yet. I have been asked to grab you on the way. I'll tell you about it tomorrow."

With that, he put his hand on my shoulder sliding it down my arm. He was gentle but the pressure he made was just enough to make me wince as he went over the spot where I had received the injection. He wore a sorry expression.

He knew.

"Have you eaten anything?" he asked as he helped me to pick up my belongings.

I simply nodded with a smile.

"Then let's go home."

He led the way, hands in his pockets and his usual slouch in place but I couldn't look at the man in front of me with the same eyes anymore.

He had lived war, he had suffered so much more than I could ever conceive and yet he was there smiling nonchalantly talking to me in his usual soft and playful tone. It seemed effortless.

Sometimes, but very rarely, he intentionally let the facade drop. At those times, I always felt an intense vertigo, just like when you suddenly look at the sky during a summer night and realise how small and insignificant you are in the middle of it all.

Then, I felt lucky that he cared about me at all.

::

The next morning, as promised, he spoke of the meeting he had attended the previous evening. He had been pretty blunt about it. I had no choice. I was to go to ROOT headquarters and submit to the interrogation. It didn't matter if they asked about sensitive information about him or Tsunade or if I felt like I betrayed them in the process. I was to become their soldier until they decided otherwise which hopefully would be right after the interrogation.

"They are going to try to get at you, they want to see you lose control and disobey them. Whatever happens, don't show them that rebellious side of yours. I find it kinda cute but they are going to use it against you to justify taking you away."

 _Taking me away…_ For the first time, I was happy somewhere. For the first time, I had friends. I didn't want to leave…

I tried to hide the fear, but Kakashi read right through me.

"Hiroki, you are not a child anymore, you are a Konoha genin. I know you can do this."

"But you?..." I did not complete my question. I could see by the change in his expression that he felt annoyed... annoyed and sad. If I would have been a true shinobi, he wouldn't have to convince or reassure me.

"I can't go with you all the time, you need to go there alone."

He was right, I was acting childish. At my age, he had been killing for years already and was so strong that didn't need anyone's protection. Contrary to what Iruka might think, I was not the pupil he wanted. Every day, I failed at reaching his expectations spectacularly. I couldn't even pass an interrogation without making a big fuss out of it. I was unable to face anything on my own; I needed him to tell me what I had to do all the time. I craved for his approval on the tiniest progress. I did major mistakes he constantly needed to rectify … I wasn't kidding when I had told Iruka I felt as if I was making no progress at all. I was even getting worse if it was possible. Even the kunai throwing joke was still a thing.

Kakashi looked at me carefully, then made a faint smile.

"Sorry, Hiroki. I didn't want to put that much pressure on you." He let out a small sigh, then his gaze suddenly softened. "As long as you don't lie and do all they ask; you should be fine. Just do your best."

He ruffled my hair. I almost cried. Somewhere deep down, he still he seemed to care… or was it just pity? I felt lost again.

"Now we only have a few hours ahead of us," his expression progressively getting warmer. "How about we go and train a bit?

"Train?" For a second, I wanted to refuse. Why would he want to train me? I failed all the time… but, despite my own feelings about it, he still believed in me. I couldn't let him down on this.

"It's certainly better than wasting our time thinking about that interrogation thing, don't you think?" he said cheerfully.

He was right. Worrying was unproductive.

He took a tanto sword and went outside. I followed him.

::

He brought me to a remote training ground I didn't know existed. It was small but he was probably not expecting me to put out a really intense fight right before an interrogation.

"Ok, we've done a lot of long range fighting practice but it's good to know what to do when the enemy breaks through. So today I'll teach you how to disarm your enemies so you can defend yourself a bit more."

I felt a bit of deception. I never seemed to learn any attack. How could I expect to participate in a fight? However, looking at him swinging the tanto around as a warm up, I realised what he wanted me to do.

"You mean against swords? With bare hands?"

"Yes," he replied while passing me the tanto.

"It's not as hard as it seems, especially when people don't expect much of you. If you do undercover missions, you'll get to do these kinds of things a lot. Now thrust at me."

I was hesitant. A punch could hurt but this blade was as sharp as a razor.

"Are… are you sure?" I asked.

"Don't worry, I won't let you hurt me," he said, a mischievous air in his eye.

I rose the blade over my head. One moment I let the blade fall and the other, I was on the ground, the blade forced out of my hands.

"Let's do this again. Slowly."

He placed himself in front of me.

As soon as the blade fell he made a step in my direction and pivoted on himself. His left shoulder bumped into my right…

"See what I did? From there, you can do various things. You could hit your opponent in the face."

He rose his elbow to my nose.

"You could disarm right away."

He held the sword between my hands and moved it up then down, making me lose my grip.

"Or you could bring your opponent to the ground."

He gave me back the sword and then put his hands over mine and forced it down between us. I flew over his shoulders and rolled on the grass. I stayed there utterly fascinated.

"Sorry?" He said scratching the back of his head. "Did I go too rough on you?"

I smiled. The widest smile I had made in a long time. This was so much better than anything I had learned until now.

He lent me his hand and pulled me up.

"Now, my turn!"

He rose his hitai-ate, uncovering the sharingan. I passed the tanto to him, a bit worried.

"Let's take this a step at a time…"

It went better than I expected. I was catching on quickly. He had adapted his teachings to my level in a way he couldn't do when Naruto and Sakura were around. After a while, however, I felt dizzy. Whenever I made eye-contact with him I felt a strange pressure, as if something was pushing my soul back. He saw it was getting hard for me to follow him and called the end of the practice. My legs bent slightly under my weight and I had to steady myself against a tree.

He knelt in front of me.

"Good job Hiroki. We shouldn't overdo it for today. You have somewhere to go…"

I didn't want to. I wanted to stay…

He looked at me with his mismatched eyes, the sharingan slowly spinning. I could see him smirking through his mask.

"Hiroki, don't worry. I am asking you to go to Danzō and his ROOT but I won't leave you alone and defenceless. You'll be alright."

I felt tired. I couldn't fight it anymore. The dizziness overcame me and I passed out.

::

When I awoke, I heard people whispering loudly. I couldn't quite figure out what they were quarrelling about but the fight had gotten nasty. After a while, I recognised Kakashi's voice. I knew it was him because of his unmistakable sarcastic tone but I wasn't used to see him this angry. He would usually just let things go.

His interlocutor wasn't afraid and Kakashi was having his ass handed to him severely. Tsunade often lectured him but, in terms of daring, this was truly something else. I had never heard anyone fearless enough speak to the infamous copy-nin like this.

"You are being so contemptuous Kakashi! Stop thinking you are above everyone else! You are not the only one who's able to play that game and from what I understood he plays it better way better than you. What will happen if they find out? Have you thought about it!"

"I actually did!... for hours! I won't let…" His interlocutor didn't let him continue and rose his voice a notch.

"Well, think again!"

" _Iruka_ , there is no way I am leaving that in the hands of the elders!"

Oh, Kami! This was Iruka! I couldn't believe it. I knew he could have a temper – I had seen it the first time I met him at the mission room – but now that there were no witnesses he was incredibly bold!

Maybe it was another Iruka?… with me he had always been so nice and polite he could tackle delicate subjects with so much ease that I couldn't see why he even needed to raise the tone with someone as analytical and level-headed as Kakashi…

If I raised my head, I could probably confirm who it was. They were close to the main door…

With his high ponytail and broad shoulders, I could not mistake him, it was truly Iruka. Kakashi caught a glimpse of me. His eye was cold and filled with disdain. He looked to the chūnin again.

"Ok, I'm leaving. Do whatever!" and he disappeared in a puff of smoke.

That was a hell of a fight!...

Iruka turned toward me.

"Ah, Hiroki chan, you are awake."

His voice was soft and there was the usual smile on his face. It was as if his anger had teleported away with Kakashi. I frowned in confusion.

"Don't worry, it looks worse than it really is."

Indeed, he didn't look bothered by it at all.

"Kakashi san had a few things to take care of. I'll be going with you. You have the time for a quick shower before we go."

He was walking toward the kitchen when he suddenly stopped. His hand went to his forehead and he winced.

"Iruka sensei? Are you ok?"

"I've been a bit ill lately. I probably have overworked myself. I have a few days off starting tomorrow. It'll be alright."

He did look pale…

…but I guessed it didn't matter much if he was only there to follow me around. It was probably less exhausting than his pre-genin classes. I took a shower and when I came back, he looked better.

He swung a bag over his shoulder but stopped before reaching for the doorknob.

"Before we go, I need to tell you something. Don't assume the test will start when you'll be seated in a nice interrogation room. It will begin as soon as anyone from ROOT sees you. For all I know, there could be a ROOT spy hidden in the tree right above the door."

I stayed silent. Today, I would enter a building from which I might never get out… and Kakashi disappeared without a word… He had left me behind…

"Hiroki?"

Iruka put his hands on my shoulders. His eyes were soft and caring, so unlike Kakashi's…

"What did Kakashi tell you?"

I realised it was not what he told me that hurt, it was what I had read in his eyes: anger, disdain, annoyance and… coldness. I had been clinging to him like a child and been so self-centered that I couldn't see anything. Maybe it was better for me to leave before I sunk further.

"Hiroki, listen to me. "

The way Iruka spoke, the way his eyes fixated on mine, I couldn't look away from him.

"I know Kakashi very well; I've known him for years. He often seems indifferent but don't think too much of it. He deeply cares about you… more than I've seen him care for anyone in a really long time. He would never let you down."

Iruka could tell I didn't believe him. It was hard for me to think that someone who had just dropped me so disdainfully could really care…

"He doesn't show it much, but Kakashi is incredibly clever. If ROOT claims you, he will find a way to get you back… I am pretty sure he already thought about it."

I considered it again. Despite how rude he had been a moment ago, he had told me he wouldn't leave me defenceless. I didn't know what it meant but I had to trust him.


	15. Chapter 15: Hiroki: The Interrogation

**Chapter 15: Hiroki: The interrogation**

After a quick stop at the Hokage's office, we were finally standing in front of the tall doors of the ROOT complex. I couldn't help but feel a knot in my throat. I had no clue how this would end. Iruka put his hand on my shoulder. Looking into his eyes, I truly understood what it meant to be a shinobi. I could sense his fears might be as strong as mines but they were strangely totally under control. It reminded me of what he had once said to me after one of my missions:

"Only the fools have no fear."

I knocked on the hard wooden surface. It was strangely cold for something made out of wood. After a few minutes, the doors opened. I saw an average man covered in white bandages. I wondered what kind of injuries he must have suffered to need to wrap his whole body in such a way.

"Iruka sensei, Hiroki san, welcome," he said warmly. I could see in the slight shrug Iruka made that something was out of place but our host did not seem to notice his reaction and walked straight to me.

"I am Danzō. I am really pleased to make your acquaintance Hiroki san."

"I am pleased to meet you too, Danzō sama," I replied out of reflex.

I knew this wasn't supposed to be a pleasure ride. I completely understood why Iruka reacted the way he did… but we were not there to antagonise him, so we might just as well go with the flow.

We walked through a wonderful indoor garden. The sun shone brightly on the tender green grass. Shinobi were training; some sparring, other doing target practice. I didn't know if it was only for show, but there was a lightness to the whole thing that I did not expect from an organisation like ROOT.

Danzō seemed happy. He pointed around at the different facilities and training grounds while Iruka and I walked by his side.

Suddenly, Iruka stumbled on the paved path, his hands holding his head. My eyes widened but the other man reacted before I did.

"Iruka sensei?" Danzō said visibly worried. "You are in pain?"

Iruka was still on the ground, catching his breath.

"I… I'll be fine in a few minutes. I am sorry."

"No, don't apologise. You work a lot for this village sensei, more than is reasonable. You seldom take any break for yourself. It's unfortunately expected that things like that happen."

Danzō bent to look at Iruka, a concerned expression on his face.

"What about you go in first. The sofa in my office is quite comfortable. I could take another 10 to 20 minutes and finish the tour with Hiroki san and then come back for the formal interrogation. It would give you the time to rest."

I could see Iruka didn't like it much but he was barely able to stand.

Danzō waved to a soldier practising nearby.

"Tana, please escort Iruka sensei to my office and make sure he is comfortable. We will be back soon."

"Yes, Danzō sama!"

They slowly walked away. Danzō placed his hand on my back and we moved on.

The training facilities were amazing and so much better than the ones shared by ordinary shinobi. Seeing my expression, Danzō looked at me, amused:

"Impressive, huh?" he said pointing at a sparring duo. "I feel lucky to work with such elite shinobi."

His voice was warm, almost father-like.

"I am sorry for Iruka. I didn't know he had been so ill lately…"

Was this the beginning of the test? It felt like it.

"Yes, he often had headaches lately," I answered openly.

"That's really a shame," Danzō replied tilting his head toward me. "He is really a good man… How is your training, Hiroki?"

He had suddenly dropped the honorific; he was trying to connect with me… Well, I had no choice. I was supposed to be sincere and honest.

"It's hard but rewarding."

"I am sure Kakashi san trains you hard," he answered kindly. "It's his style," he said with what looked like a bittersweet smile."

We walked further away from the main building but I was certain that he would do nothing more than talk while we were outside. Even if they were under his orders, there were way too many witnesses. He slowly stopped and sat on a bench gesturing for me to do the same. He looked at me with what seemed like a sorry expression.

"Kakashi san is a great shinobi and is very good with gifted genin but it is harder for him to teach the basics. It's not really _his thing_. That's why he was given an elite team in the first place. Naruto is a bit slow but incredibly strong, Sakura has perfect chakra control and Sasuke was a prodigy just like Kakashi san when he was young… You know about his youth, right?" he asked casually.

"Yes, I had history classes with Iruka sensei."

He seemed thoughtful.

"Of course. History classes," he said with a sigh and a sad look that told me he thought Kakashi should really had told it to me himself.

"Hiroki, I know Kakashi san. I have known him since he was a child. He will not tell you a thing about it but I know he feels you are dragging his team down. Understand me, he is not a mean shinobi, he is just an elite and elite are expected to perform at a certain level… You weren't meant to stay at first but he probably thought it was a good move that you replaced Sasuke especially since you have the sharingan just like him…"

I turned to Danzō, taken aback.

"Yes, I know about your blood-line limit, he smiled pleasantly. "It's a shinobi village, it's normal that its elders know about all their shinobi, especially the ones with incredible potential just like you!"

I knew that he was aware of the sharingan but it was still startling for me to discuss this with someone else than Kakashi. Danzō was fidgeting with one of his bandages as if he were slightly nervous to continue.

"So, as I was telling, you replaced Sasuke but, by now, Kakashi sees you are nothing like him. You can't defend yourself very well, you have no particular strong attack yet. For him, you are just a glorified civilian…"

I didn't want to believe him, I knew he was most probably pulling an act, but what he said echoed the feeling I had for such a long time now…

"Understand me, don't think I am blaming him. What is happening is neither your fault nor his. It's just a bad match."

It turned to him slightly faster than I would have liked. He put his hand on my shoulder again.

"I hate to break it out to you like that, you are a sweet girl, Hiroki, but have you realised how he's always leaving you alone? It doesn't seem to me like he is interested in you. It's not just about not letting you on the missions. I have seen him with the people he cares about but I also have seen him use people. He is a master manipulator; you probably saw that by now. He looks lazy but is powerful and looks down to most shinobi in Konoha."

I indeed had seen this side of him. I knew he played with people but I never really thought he _looked down_ on anyone. He seemed far too clever to see people in such a one-dimensional way. I wasn't about to interrupt Danzō to tell him I felt differently about it. I wanted to defend him but the point Danzō had made hurt as much as his unfounded assumptions on my sensei. Kakashi _was_ truly leaving me alone most of the time, a thing that I had never been able to properly explain.

"Also, have you observed your own team dynamic? It is obvious he thinks Naruto is not very clever – I am certain you've already heard the discouragement in his voice – but he will never tell it to his face because Naruto has power. Sakura is no better to him but she's a good healer. This is what manipulation looks like. He makes it look like loyalty, deep friendship or whatever he wants to call it but in the end, he is only acting out of necessity. He is over everyone, he compliments only to get something from you and you only know when it's too late. Why would a good and straight man like Iruka sensei keep his distances from him do you think? Why does Kakashi san live alone despite his strength and reputation? Don't you think he should have someone in his life by now?"

I didn't know Iruka put distance between them but from the fight they had and how he seemed to be used to them, they were maybe not at close friends as I thought they were. Kakashi and Iruka were both professional men after all and had to act civilised towards one another for the good of the village. This was probably only one of the illusions I entertained about the people close to me. I was looking at Danzō critically but I should probably have done the same with the people whom I assumed cared for me. Realising how blindly I had trusted them – because I had needed it so much – was making me feel bad about myself.

I looked down.

"I am sorry." Danzō said putting his hand over my shoulder. "Telling this to you is harsh… but you need to see the situation for what it _is_."

I did not disagree. Things may not have been as bad as he put them, but there was certainly a truth to what he said. There were many, MANY things I didn't understand about the people who were supposed to be so close to me.

"The reason I brought you here is not mistrust. The people in the council do distrust you but I don't. The reason I accepted to be in lead of the interrogation is because I believe in your potential, I believe that you deserve so much more than what you are getting actually. My organisation specialises in taking people with no training, the ones that have potential like you but are put aside by the system, and make elite soldiers out of them. You are persistent Hiroki. I want to pay homage to that. In only a year, you could become stronger than anyone in your actual team, even Kakashi san."

"Sorry Danzō sama, I… am not really looking for that kind of strength." I was annoyed at how my voice was not as certain as it should have been.

"You owe it to yourself. You are special, Hiroki, but Kakashi san doesn't see it apart from sharingan. Certainly, he plays with you, teaches you some things but he is paid to do it. He has to. If you stay with him, there are things you will always lack and this lack will make you an inconvenience for him."

We got up and started our way back to the main building. I wanted to see Kakashi again. I wanted to talk to him and see it for myself. I knew that if I could look at him, even for just a minute, I would know. Was he truly that willing to throw me away?

The inside of the main building looked more like what I had expected. It was dark and grey with soldiers standing along the walls. It reminded me of the citadel where I had spent most of my life. It was an eerie feeling.

"Become stronger Hiroki," Danzō continued while we walked through the long corridors. "Kakashi san only admires strength. If you make him admire you, he'll finally take you seriously and you'll stop being a child in his eyes. Same for all those others. Show them your true potential."

I stayed silent. Danzō looked at me, scrutinising my every gesture.

"I see," he said with what sounded like disdain. "Kakashi bound you to him well… or is it the slave in you that still feels the need to be loyal to him?"

I did not answer. I fought with all I had not to react but my shoulders tensed.

"Let's get it over with then," he said letting me enter the interrogation room.

Danzō looked at his guard:

"Tana, how is Iruka sensei?"

"Still sleeping Danzō sama."

"Good," he replied with a satisfied expression.

I quickly turned around. This wasn't supposed to be _good_. Something was wrong.

Before I could understand what was happening, I was forced on a chair, my wrists, ankles and waist tied up in a matter of seconds. Danzō brought his own chair in front of me.

"Let's drop the masks, shall we?" he said his voice suddenly turning cold. "You were brought here to become part of ROOT. I thought I could convince you and allow you to come to us willingly, but you don't want power and prestige, neither you want to become part of something greater."

His voice finally sounded like the military commander he was; stern and uncompromising.

"…but this doesn't matter anymore. You will be ROOT whether you do it willingly or not."

I pulled on my restraints in vain.

This could have been part of the interrogation too but I was pretty certain it wasn't.

"You can't just snatch a shinobi away like that! People will know!"

Danzō wasn't impressed.

"My poor and naïve child! I have Iruka in my grasp. He is under MY genjutsu. If I tell him to say you agreed to this, he will do as I say."

"But Kakashi..."

"Don't count on him. Why do you think he isn't there already? Has it ever occurred to you that this might be what he wishes for you? You are a clingy little child who learns nothing. You are useless to him. Isn't it normal that he'd try to find a way to get rid of you?"

"He didn't…" I said fiercely.

"You really know nothing of him young girl," Danzō replied, barely containing his laughter.

He came closer until his mouth was right beside my ear.

"He guaranteed you wouldn't defect with his own life. He won't let you do it. If you leave this place, he will bring you right back. He is a shinobi Hiroki, one of the most loyal Konoha ever had, for a man like him, orders come before everything else. He basically sold you to me."

I was shocked. I had hoped all along that Iruka had been right, that if anything were to happen, Kakashi had a plan… but maybe he didn't. Maybe Iruka had misread him or maybe he had just said that to cheer me up. My head tilted down in anger.

"Don't worry, young Uchiha, now it hurts, you feel pain and betrayal at a man you thought better of but, after the procedure, you'll forget everything and be all ours. It will be as if you had always been with us. You will never feel this much pain anymore. I'll make you perfect, my child."

He kissed my forehead and sat back into his chair. He concentrated, making a few hand seals before closing his eyes. A blue hand entirely made of chakra slowly came out of his chest reaching out toward me.

"You will be a unique gem, my best pupil," he said "I will pass on to you everything I am, everything I own. You will have a life Konoha could never give you."

The hand pierced through my belly and grabbed what seemed like the core of my whole being. I gasped loudly.

"Don't resist. Just let those memories go. The more you resist, the more painful it will be."

I felt the hand pulling at my insides. There was a shiver running through my whole body. My hands tightened on the armrest and my breath became shallow.

I didn't want to let go. I had no clue if the man I had trusted more than anyone else had betrayed me or not but I didn't want the memories to be taken away like that.

Kakashi…

I saw him, He was standing right in front of me, smiling. We weren't in that cold and humid place but in the bright forest of Konoha. The green leaves danced in the soft summer breeze and the sun shone over his pale skin. He was just like I remembered him. He was smiling at me, his face uncovered and opened, his hands in his pockets, slightly slouching.

"Hiroki, you need to let go, he said with the usual warmth in his voice. You know I won't always be able to protect you, right? You need to be able to rely on your own strength."

"You… you did that to me?" I answered in disbelief.

His eyes became soft, almost pleading.

"Of course, I did. You know I only want what's best for you. You feel so much pain and suffering, you are so vulnerable. I want to end that."

He stepped closer to me, his hand on my shoulder

"Become strong. Do it for me, will you?"

He rose his mask over his nose and made a small hand gesture before turning away from me.

The sky abruptly went dark.

I felt a panic, something so visceral every cell in my body screamed.

"Don't!... Don't go!"

He did not turn back and continued his walk into the forest, hands in his pocket.

"Kakashi! Don't you understand? I need you! I don't care about being powerful, I don't want to be an elite, I don't even care about not suffering! Come back!"

I ran and threw my hands toward him grabbing his elbow and pulling him back.

He turned around and looked at me.

"It's better that way. You know it too! There will be no more danger you'll need to fear. You'll be free… for real this time! Now, just let go. It will be fine. I promise…"

He looked just like that last day I saw him. There was a tint of sadness in his eyes, but also a strong resolve. It felt like deception again… I was childish again. Stunned, I let go of his arm. Tears fell on my cheeks. He was slowly sinking away in the darkness… the man who had taken me away from the shadows of my old life and gave me a new one… the man who had taught me everything, given me a new understanding of life, given it a meaning. He was everything I had... No, he was the only thing I had… and he was going away! I couldn't even tell him how much he counted for me, how much he had transformed me.

The memories of him started to fade…

I heard my own voice screaming as if it were somebody else's. Soon the scream turned into a loud desperate wail. The agony tearing at my chest like a starving wolf.

But why was I feeling so much pain already?

The sun was warm and the lush green leaves in the trees, beautiful.

Why did I feel such a terrible emptiness inside?

I was in the light. Why was drawn to the darkness?

I didn't remember anymore.

"No! I won't let you go! I can't!"

I did not understand why I shouted or remember who I was shouting to but I followed my scream into the darkness.

The place was barren, empty and black. I felt that something was being taken away from me, something important. I shivered. I had never felt so cold in my whole life, I felt hollow and lost.

I felt something in the pitch black void. I hung to it, but it was only pulling me deeper into the abyss. I heard a voice talking to me:

"Let go. This will be insignificant once you start your new life. You don't realise it, but I can tell you it's true."

But I couldn't let go and brought what was a hand closer to me. I saw the pale and thin fingers, the glove with its small metal plate on… It seemed vaguely familiar. I closed my eyes and flashes of memory appeared. I saw this hand waving to me in a welcoming gesture, I saw it holding a kunai, writing a mission report… then I saw it pressing on my shoulder to comfort me, over my chest to protect me. I felt it playing in my hair and felt the warmth it always brought inside. I felt it on my cheek consoling me. It was good. I wanted to have more. I pulled again and saw the pale but muscular forearm, the blue standard issue shirt, the shoulder of his flak vest. I remembered it against me in so many dangerous mission, there was a strong feeling of security linked to it. I remembered the red spiral adorning his sleeve from the times I had sat beside him at the ramen stand, his head turning to me, his face…

What did it look like already?

I wanted to know, I needed to know

I yanked his body closer and fell face to face with a single bored eye. It had been so expressive back then… I let my eyes close. Searching through the memories I immediately saw it crinkle into a smile. It felt good. It felt warm. The shivers finally disappeared.

I circled my hands around his torso. I could not let go, he was the source of all happiness, of all growth… he was a part of me… I felt his body slip from my arms as if he was being pulled away from me again, but I clung to him with a determination that nothing could break. A strong feeling erupted inside of me, something I couldn't resist... and then it was clear…

I'd rather die than surrender those memories of him!

I felt a burst of electricity spreading through my body.

My eyes popped open.

I was in the interrogation room again.

The handcuffs had snapped open and the chakra hand had been forced out of my guts. Danzō was lying on the floor several feet away, unconscious. As I looked at my hand, I saw bluish electric arcs jumping over my skin. This chakra felt so familiar… it was _**his**_ …

I… I didn't know what to think about it anymore. What did Kakashi want from me? I closed my eyes hard, taking back the tears I wanted so much to shed.

It was my chance to get out of here and I couldn't lose it!

I just ran into the guards as fast as I could, disarming them as easily as if they had been mere puppets. I twisted one ROOT's arm behind his back and pinned him to the ground with his own sword. The other rolled over my back hitting his comrade in the process. What I was doing was all on instinct. Guards were disarmed and bones snapped. I didn't know how I did it, I wasn't certain I remembered when I had learnt such skills anymore, but the only thing I could think of was to run away from there and fast.

Even outside the gates, I ran still. I had to reach him. I had betrayed his trust. There was a chance he would reject me or even force me back there but what if he had given me his own chakra for me to do just that? I couldn't think clearly anymore. I had to go to him, if anything only to tell him how I felt, how much of a central role he had held in all I had become. Then, if he told me to leave, I would go back and let them erase my memories of him forever.

I landed on his balcony. I felt hesitant in front of the door but I had to knock. I knew he was there. I rose my hand slowly and stopped less than an inch from the hard surface. Why was it so hard to do?

But there was no point escaping from ROOT at all if I wasn't even willing face him. I took a deep breath and knocked.

He opened, his body blocking the way in, unwelcoming. I had failed him. A heavy weight was crushing my chest and what came out of my mouth was barely a whisper.

"I… I am so sorry, I can't…"

He didn't move, he didn't say anything, he just stared. His eyes were red, swollen, he had cried… he had cried for me…

"Kakashi…"

My voice broke. There were so many things I wanted to tell him right now but I barely had any voice to say them anymore. I started trembling again but I had to plead for one last thing before I lost all control…

"…don't let them take me away."

Slowly his arms wrapped around me; strong and comforting. I smelled the sweet scent that was so characteristic of him. I just let go and buried my head in his warm chest.

"Maa, Maa… That's alright Hiroki, we'll figure it out together. I'll make sure you're safe."


	16. Chapter 16: Kakashi: Breaking In

**Chapter 16: Kakashi: Breaking In**

I thought I had lost her.

I knew Danzō wanted her and he had been able to tie my hands pretty efficiently up until now. I gave Hiroki all that I could but, at that point, I could only hope that my plan would work. Fortunately, and to my greatest relief, it did.

When she appeared on my doorstep, her hair messy and her hoodie discarded only kami knows where, I had wanted to squeeze her into my arms and never let her go again. I had wanted to hide her away from Konoha and flee with her...

...but I knew that this wasn't what was best for her. She was safe now. They had attempted something on her and I just had to protect the proof. Of course, I would probably have to pay the price for what I had done to her. If they were looking for a reason to take her away from me, now I would give them a good one.

But she was there, mostly unharmed, a bruise or two at most. There was some blood but it wasn't hers. For a while, I was happy...

It's then that I heard her shivering voice:

"Don't let them take me away," it said.

I took her into my arms and told her some comforting words but i had to stay focused until all the pieces were finally out together. Now that she was out of Danzō's claws, there was something, or rather someone else on my mind.

"Hiroki, what happened to Iruka?"

There was a flash of red in her eyes but they immediately went back to their usual teal colour. She screwed her eyes shut and brought her hand to her head trying to remember...

It was a genjutsu. I could tell from the slight colour change in her eyes.

"You went to ROOT with Iruka," I said trying to help her remember, "do you recall where he was when you left?"

She seemed to be remembering parts of it.

"He... he became ill."

She pinched the bridge of her nose, her little mind thinking and trying so hard to recover the information...

"The office," she finally said, "Danzō's office."

I brought her head back against my chest.

"Thanks, Hiroki."

Obviously, the worse had happened... Iruka had stayed behind for some reason. They probably wouldn't dare to hurt him, he was loved and respected in the village, but they could tamper with his mind.

Hiroki was becoming limp in my arms. I could sense her strength leaving her. Fighting the genjutsu had been demanding.

I bent down and whispered into her ear.

"I need you to trust me. I will hide you get Iruka and make sure all is safe for both of you. After that, I'll come back and get you."

I felt her nod against my chest. I didn't want to but I had to let go. I delicately placed her on the sofa. She looked so lost, so small... but Iruka might be in danger, I _had_ to act fast.

I bit my thumb and summoned my ninken.

Bull had taken Hiroki on his back and the pack went away with her leaving me with Pakkun.

"Oi, boss! So what d'ya wanna do now?"

"Let's go find Iruka!"

::

Of course, this was easier said than done. The complex that lodged ROOT was a real fortress. I knew there was no way I could have entered through the main gate the way Hiroki had without being noticed, the huge door gave on an immense training ground that was probably filled with elite shinobi, but it wasn't the first time I had broken into ROOT. I knew the secondary entrance that was routinely used for missions. It was discrete and never had more than a few guards... Well, today maybe there would be more than a few but it was still my best option.

I was surprised when I had found almost no opposition. The guards at the door were clearly not aware of how I had broken in when I had come for Tenzō and putting them under the power of the genjutsu had been as easy as it had been years ago. One after the other, their bodies fell lifeless on the ground as if suddenly taken by a deep sleep.

Inside, it was also quiet. I could see the trouble my little devil of a student had given them. Men were unconscious, some of them with severe fractures but none had been killed. If they ever woke up before I escaped they would certainly make my task way more difficult than it already was but I was relieved that she didn't have to kill any of them to make her escape.

Pakkun brought us right to Danzō's office. Iruka was there... just as Hiroki had mentioned. Shinobi had certainly noticed her escape by now but I didn't know if they expected me to come so soon... or to come at all.

Pakkun pointed with his paw to confirm Iruka's presence. I made a small hand sign and the pug disappeared.

I leant against the wall trying to see as much as possible of the room before I walked in. For the main office of one of the most important secret organisations of Konoha, it was pretty badly designed. There was one window on the right wall which was framed by long dark curtains... a perfect place to hide. If the room was symmetrical — and it looked like it was — there would be an identical window on the opposite wall. However, the worse flaw was probably the ceiling. The dome-like shape had a series of dark wide beams supporting it. Arranged in an intricate design, it would be easy to put at least ten shinobi there without them being noticeable from the floor. I really wondered how come the annoying leader wasn't dead already. On the side of the room I could see, there were two guards going back and forth, both wearing masks and cloaks. It was hard the see what kind of weaponry they had but it was safe to assume that most of them had the standard ANBU swords. I moved forward a bit trying to get a better view.

There was Iruka.

He was lying on a sofa, unconscious, just like the guards I had left behind me. His breath was even and there was no blood on him. For now, he was safe but there was no way to predict how the guards would react once they would be aware of my presence.

For a second, I hesitated.

I could mess up and he could get killed. I felt my heart race at the thought; my hands were shivering slightly. I forced my eyes closed for a moment and took a deep breath.

I had to get this right!

I joined my hands together to make the seals to create a shadow clone and sent him in.

He walked slowly but threateningly. I rose my hitai-ate and uncovered the sharingan.

As soon as the clone was seen, one of the shinobi ran toward him. I took advantage of the diversion to jump and hide against one of the larger beams.

The soldier who took on the clone had been young and probably knew nothing of my reputation or my abilities. The clone only had to step aside and reach for his hand to be able to project him violently on the concrete wall. His mask broke. The soldier didn't get up.

 _One down_ , I thought.

The clone disappeared in a puff of smoke.

The ROOT soldiers realised in a panic that they had no clue of where I was anymore. Two of the guards gathered around Iruka.

I looked around. There were five of them total, six with the one on the ground. It would be hard but feasible. I wanted to avoid killing as much as possible but there was no choice, some of them would have to fall. While I was planning how to take them down, they were all looking around without success. A third guard sneaked near Iruka, too near. His clawed glove almost touched the chūnin's tan throat.

I snapped.

I was raging inside. The feeling was like molten iron running in my veins. It was both familiar and infinitely scary.

 _Hound_.

It was Hound reclaiming my body, wanting to avenge the pain I felt. I knew that wasn't wise, but I couldn't keep my emotions in check anymore. They had taken Hiroki and now they wanted to use Iruka against me.

If they didn't know what a shinigami looked like, now they would...

"I dare you to leave as much as a scratch on him," I said my voice filled with anger.

I threw a shuriken a few inches above Iruka's nose which startled the shinobi. I didn't have to check if my aim was right, I knew it was, I flew over the beams right away. In the search, one of the men had been isolated. I let myself fall soundlessly on the floor behind him and cut his throat neatly with a sharp kunai.

"I am not joking. Leave him alone or I'll kill you all."

I let the body fall on the ground, a pool of blood forming under him.

Those recruits were young and foolish. If anyone had thought about calling reinforcements, the would easily have had the upper hand but either they never realised they were so far outclassed or they wanted to gain prestige for themselves.

 _Undertrained_.

That's what they were. I didn't see what Hiroki had done or what kind of enemy she had faced to get out of here but I understood why she had been able to escape when I saw the level of the soldiers here.

Another shinobi ran toward me.

If it didn't work the first time, it clearly wouldn't work the second.

I threw him over my shoulder like his comrade but this time snapping the bones in his arms. When he stupidly tried to get back at me, I could have used the sharingan and sent him to dreamland, he was so slow he wouldn't even have the time to realise, but in my frenzy, I couldn't think straight. I turned toward him ready for the kill and...

...he begged for his life.

ROOT had wanted Hiroki for themselves, they had wanted her to train and use her... and that was the kind of shinobi they made?! Hiroki had faced quite her lot of dangerous situations, even a few hopeless ones, but NEVER had she begged for her life. Instead, she had thrown her life away countless times to save that of others. In the roughest battles, she seemed to know no fear. More than that, I was certain she would never have repeated the mistake of a fellow shinobi as blindly as that young boy did.

She clearly was too good for them.

I stopped in front of the whimpering boy. His friends were frozen behind me.

"So you don't want to fight anymore?" I said softly.

He nodded, a deep fear setting in his eyes.

"Well, sorry to teach you that but life doesn't work that way," I added, the disdain clear in my voice.

It was too late for him to beg anyway. I was Hound and Hound didn't spare anyone.

There was one last cry before the sound of broken bones echoed in the room. His skull had burst open spreading its content on the floor. I jumped back onto the beams and created another shadow clone. They shot projectiles at me but I played hide and seek with them using the shadow clone as a lure. My self-appointed mission was turning into a game, Hound wanted to play, Hound was thirsty for blood.

The clone jumped and jumped forcing the shinobi that had threatened Iruka to come up and play with us. The clone let an opening and the shinobi took it, certain he would be ending the fight. Fatal mistake. I jumped at him, the chidori going effortlessly through his armour.

I pushed the body down the beam. It fell in front of the two remaining guards. I landed right behind it, my chakra flaring with excitement.

The two men tried threatening me with their swords but it was useless. Their fate was already sealed. I was way too fast for them to be able to do anything about it. I put my hand over those of the guard placed on the left and forced his sword into his comrade body. I immediately pulled it out violently and hit the owner of the sword on the nose with my elbow. He fell helplessly on the ground but I didn't care. The blood, I needed to see it coming out of his body like a crimson fountain. Nothing would soothe the rage I felt apart from seing them all dead by my hand. I finished him with his own sword.

That was it. Silence.

The blessed silence signalling the end of a battle.

I looked at the academy teacher. Seeing Iruka sleeping so peacefully calmed Hound. He ran his claws through his brown soft hair, caressed his perfect tan skin...

A noise.

My head turned around as a reflex and I snapped out of my trance. They were coming.

I was fairly certain that I couldn't teleport from ROOT, there would be traps or something similar preventing me from doing it.

I could easily have dispelled the genjustsu but it was a proof that something major had happened. I needed it.

It didn't matter, I would just go through the window.

I borrowed a cloak, wrapped Iruka in it and jumped.

::

When I reached the doors of the Hokage's office, Kotetsu and Izumo were there. Their jaw dropped when they saw me carrying the lifeless body of their best friend.

"Is... is he alright," Izumo asked clearly shaken.

I nodded but I still felt Hound's dark aura covering me like a cloak.

"In?" I simply said looking at the doors they were guarding my eye narrowing with impatience.

I saw a mix of relief and fear in his eyes.

"Ah! Ehm... Of course... go."

I walked in.

I knew I would incur Tsunade's wrath but to Hound, as long as the mission was done, it didn't matter... and Iruka and Hiroki _were_ safe. I set Iruka on a pile of pillows in the far corner and walked toward Tsunade without saying a word.

Just like in my ANBU days, I knelt in front of the Hokage, fist touching the ground, head looking down in submission saying two words I never thought I would say together:

"Tsunade sama..."

::

 _ **Sorry! Took me a while!**_  
 _ **The end of terms had been killing me and my inbox is overflowing with unanswered requests... but hey, I have priorities here! ;o)**_

 _ **As usual, thanks for keeping up!**_


	17. Chapter 17: Kakashi: Facing Consequences

**Chapter 17: Kakashi: Facing Consequences**

"Tsunade sama."

Hearing those words, the Hokage went pale for a fraction of a second, then her face flushed.

"Brat what is wrong with you?"

I rose my head, intrigued. Tsunade grabbed me by the collar and forcefully pulled me on my feet.

"Damn it, Kakashi! What have you done! How come you are here with a half-dead Iruka? And what game were you playing kneeling before me?"

As disturbed as I had been by the events, I had not realised how weird it must have been for her to see one of her most unpolished jōnin kneel before her. I gave her the short version of the situation:

"Danzō wanted to take Hiroki into ROOT but she escaped before they were able to perform on her the genjustsu that would make her accept that fate. Iruka had stayed behind so I went to their headquarters and brought him back."

"What? Wait!" she said as if all of this had gone way too fast for her to apprehend. "What kind of proof do you have?"

"I had Hiroki on my doorstep telling me about it not so long ago and a sleeping Iruka I found heavily guarded in Danzō's office. You'll see traces of genjutsu on both of them."

Tsunade sighed and let herself drop into her chair pinching her brows.

"Where's Hiroki?"

"Hidden..." I answered. "Quite far..."

She wasn't really far, but I knew I could buy time that way.

"Bring her here!"

I nodded and disappeared.

::

She was exactly where I expected her to be, in a small cave not even a mile from the village. Hiroki was sleeping soundly, buried in the middle of a pack of ninken.

I felt a dull pain.

I had thought I would never see her again, that she would become a mindless ROOT soldier. I had known that the possibility was very real... and it almost happened. I looked at the traces of blood on her frail body, it was a miracle she had been able to escape at all.

She had come back but now I might be the one who'll need to leave her.

That was how ninja worked. I knew discipline was fundamental. I deserved nothing less than an atrocious death for what I had done. Even if Tsunade found it in herself to spare my life, Danzō wouldn't be so inclined. He would corner me and go for the kill using any law or tradition he could invoke... unless he just wanted to break me to a point where I would become permanently disabled, mentally and physically. I just hoped that whatever the punishment, Tsunade would spare Hiroki the truth.

In any case, I regretted nothing. Without Hiroki, I would have been dead already, twice, and while I didn't expect to have to go the extra mile to piss ROOT by breaking their defences to get Iruka back, it still had been worth it in the end. Breaking the rules so unabashedly not to leave my friends behind... Obito would have been proud…

"Kakashi?" I turned my head. Hiroki had awakened. Her voice was barely a whisper.

I pushed the dogs a bit making a place for myself in the sea of fur and I took her in my arms. Her head immediately sank in my vest. I could feel her shoulders shaking. This time I let silent tears soak the fabric of my mask.

"I told the Hokage. You'll be fine..." She would be, but I didn't have the strength to tell her that I probably wouldn't. We stayed like that for a long time taking comfort in each other's proximity. She told me all that had happened in minute details while I listened to her with growing pride. When she finished, there was a long silence.

I comforted her, my hand in her hair, the other keeping her body near mine protectively.

"I don't know if I find funny or tragic that it took the intervention of Danzō for us to finally spend time together," I said staring away.

She smiled through her tears.

I knew I had caused her pain and a lot of it. Why was I unable to connect properly with her? She was a sweet and uncomplicated girl.

Living with her had been so easy. Why did I always do anything I could to ruin it all? Well, we might not have much time in front of us, so I should really stop wasting it and tell her at least part of what I felt for her.

"Hiroki, I don't get to tell you those kinds of things often but I wanted you to know how proud I am of you. For someone with no academic training, your level is stunning. You are fast, hardworking, but most importantly, you think for yourself. I don't have any doubt about it. You'll become a very unique shinobi. You have grown so much in the last few months... don't let anything get in the way of that."

 _Even my death_ , I thought.

She held me tighter holding back her sobs, her arms were shaking a bit. I was so preoccupied with avoiding her that I had never told her how important she was for me. There was so much more I wanted to tell but, unfortunately, now was a bit late to do that. It was the end of the afternoon. The low rays of the sun were filtering through the cave caressing the dark green leaves at the entrance. The cool wind filtering in brushed against my arms.

We stayed there, side by side. Breathing the same air, looking at the same sun.

In a world without war, how lovely this life could have been!

I leant forward and got up.

"I think we gotta go now. If we take much longer, Tsunade will think I am a lousy ninja..." I said in a light tone. "Come on my back. You are still exhausted, I'll carry you."

She put her hands around my neck and I pulled her up over my hips.

::

I knew this could not last, I was certain of it. That was why I had taken her on my back; to enjoy whatever time left we had together. For some reason, all the heavy questioning that prevented me from appreciating her presence had become meaningless. Everything was so much less complicated when you felt death closing on you. Without hesitation, I took her hand as we walked in Tsunade's office.

To my relief, Iruka was there looking perfectly fine if not a bit annoyed. Right beside him was Yamanaka Inoichi standing proudly as usual.

"Iruka sensei!" Hiroki had visibly been worried, "they let you out?"

Iruka didn't answer her question directly. I understood that what happened in ROOT was probably already classified information.

"I am here. All is well!" He simply replied.

Before she tried to ask further questions I pushed her into one of the empty armchairs and stood slightly behind. Tsunade looked at Hiroki like a mother sorry for her child but she was still a leader and there were things she needed to deal with.

"Hiroki, I am sorry for everything that happened. I swear I'll make it up to you but for now, I need your help."

She questioned Hiroki who gave to them the same story she had given me a short while ago. What she described was obviously genjutsu, the kind I didn't know Danzō possessed. That is why Yamanaka was there.

"Inochi san here is a telepath. He is here to report on what Danzō has done to you. He already did it with Iruka. It's a totally painless procedure. Would you mind letting him inside your mind?"

Hiroki nodded without question. She was strong enough to be able to fight Danzō out of her brain but was so incredibly trusting when Tsunade and I were around.

Yamanaka pulled a chair and sat in front of her. I knew the jōnin wouldn't harm her but I still felt a vague anxiety. As he pushed his mind inside of hers, Hiroki collapsed on the sofa. This was expected but some part of me reacted so strongly to seeing her this vulnerable and I couldn't prevent myself from attempting to catch her. Tsunade looked at me, her expression between compassion and discouragement.

It took several minutes before Yamanaka reverted to his own mind. Hiroki was so exhausted that she did not even wake up. The telepath sighed before raising his head toward me.

"What did you do to her Kakashi?" I could hear the reproach in his voice. "Her mind is like a minefield."

Tsunade's eyes opened wide. She had expected to hear about some dirty Danzō tricks, but certainly not about mines. I looked at the floor with a sudden interest while I muttered an answer.

"Just before I left her, I may have planted wards in her mind... and trapped them..."

Yes, the floor was interesting. I didn't have to look up to feel the rage in Tsunade's chakra. Looking up at is at this point would probably get me killed instantly.

"Inoichi san, please continue. What else should we know?"

"Her state is worse than what it looks like. As she said, Danzō tried to erase her memories, and very forcefully at that, but wards were all over the place. Most of them have been disengaged but the ones that remain are very strong and it would be risky for me to try to go beyond them."

Had I been in a better mood, I would have been flattered by Yamanaka's observations. That had been the only solution I had thought of during yesterday's sleepless night. To lock and trap her soul to the extent it would become an untakeable fortress while training her to give her a chance to escape if she could get out of that kind of genjutsu. It had taken me nearly an hour doing the job while I teaching her a few defensive moves. I had stopped when I saw it was starting to get its toll on her hoping that it would be enough. Fortunately, it had been.

"I will remove them," I said. Still not able to look up.

Tsunade let out a long sigh.

"Again, Inoichi? Anything else?"

"Yes, he replied. A fair amount of electric chakra had been stored behind one of the wards. It's probably with that chakra that she had been able to make her escape. I would check her chakra pathways, some of them must have been burnt due to the burst of electricity…"

Well, if that didn't point to me as a culprit...

It was well known that I had an affinity with lightning and Danzō... had none at all! Iruka had stood up and knelt in front of the still unconscious body of Hiroki. He took her arms in his hands looking for traces of damage. Iruka, ever the compassionate one... He cared for her way more than I had expected. This was good. If I had to leave, someone would definitely stand up to protect her. The scene was soothing. There was no one trusted more than him to do this. He might have been only a chūnin but when he was up to something no one, absolutely no one, could make him back up!

There was a knock on the door.

Danzō entered with two guards on his tail. He was understandably enraged. His plan had failed miserably and I had put most of his men to shame. My body tensed ready to do anything to protect Iruka and Hiroki from his long and dirty claws but I had to control myself. The way Danzō looked at me I knew the game wasn't over. He was not going to let go. I took a deep breath. Danzō already knew how attached I was to Hiroki and had used her in order to get to me, I didn't want him to use Iruka in the same way. I pretended I didn't care about him and stood protectively over Hiroki.

"Tsunade sama, I feel we have a lot to discuss."

"Yes, indeed…" she replied.

Danzō was standing straight, determination shining in his eyes. Tsunade confronted him. She was ready to fight.

Inoichi san, take Hiroki san to the infirmary. Iruka sensei, Kakashi san, you wait outside… and you, _Brat_ , you better not leave, even for a second, before I call you back in!"

I nodded and went out.


	18. Chapter 18:Kakashi:Facing Consequences 2

**Chapter 18: Kakashi: Facing Consequences 2**

Iruka and I sat down on the bench right beside the large wooden doors. There was nothing we could do now but wait and hope. Iruka was hunched forward, looking down, lost deep in his thoughts.

"How are you doing?" I asked a little worried.

"Fine and you?"

"Fine," I replied.

Silence filled the room heavy with everything we dared not say. I had pulled us in this horrible situation and we were there, awaiting the verdict. He had nothing to fear. He had played everything by the book but he knew my fate would be different. After a while, he broke the silence.

"You were right… about everything…"

"No, I wasn't. I knew what would happen but failed to act properly on the info I had. I put you in danger…"

I could tell by his expression that he disagreed.

"I didn't listen to you and you had to come back and save me..."

"I didn't listen to you and now Danzō will finally be able to chop my head and decorate his fireplace with it."

"You think so?"

"It all depends on how far Tsunade is willing to go to get me out of there... I hope she _loves_ me a lot."

"If for her verbal violence is a form of love, I think she totally does!"

The way his deep chocolate eyes looked at me I realised that none of this was important anymore. He was there, right beside me and dying would be a small price to pay to feel the warmth of his gaze on me one more time.

"We'll get over it, as usual," I said smiling at him, hoping that he'd smile back.

He didn't. He did not believe me.

There was a creaking sound. Danzō walked out of the room and looked at me with an evil smirk. Did things turn out the way he wanted again? If they did, I was probably a dead man.

I got up.

"Iruka, please see how Hiroki is doing, will you? It would make me feel better to know you are with her."

At last, he smiled. I kept that image in my mind as I gathered the strength to face Tsunade again.

When I walked in, she wasn't that angry anymore. She looked drained.

"Ok, this goes beyond just Hiroki," she said visibly exhausted. She pointed at a nearby chair. "You should sit down."

I dropped myself on the wooden piece of furniture. It had been a rough few days and I knew what kind of discussion we would have.

"I talked to Danzō. You know how it is… settlements can't be had that simply with him."

She carelessly drew a large bottle of sake from the bottom drawer.

"You want some?"

Usually I wouldn't have accepted but, well, what a day… and if the Hokage proposed it, it was probably because it would still get worse.

She filled a cup and passed it to me. I emptied it in one go and put it back on the desk before she refilled it for me.

"I am not mad at you," she said, "but I cannot tell you how awful is the situation you have put me in Hatake Kakashi." I could tell she wasn't really pissed anymore, she was just discouraged by the situation.

"So, you entered ROOT and killed how many of their men?" she asked.

"Four," I replied. "I killed four."

"The guards at the gates?"

"Put to sleep."

"And the ones with broken bones?"

"That was Hiroki... but I am willing to take that on my shoulders if they want to accuse me of that as well... I guess it would be humiliating for them to admit a genin put so many of them out of commission."

She chuckled a little before staring at the ceiling pensively.

"The victim count is above twenty and both of you got out of there fairly easily. It is humiliating..."

There was a silence and the way Tsunade played with her cup, I knew she had yet to admit defeat on something important.

"Ok, so now, what do they want?" I asked to press her to discuss the heart of the matter.

She closed her eyes.

"They wanted public trial and execution for treason but I told them that was out of the question. Not only this village need the income you are bringing in but your reputation alone keeps quite a few ill-intentioned shinobi away. I offered to punish you myself but, of course, they would hear none of that. So I asked them what would feel an adequate punishment…"

"And? What would that be?" That was truly the only thing that interested me at the moment.

"They want to punish you themselves... for 48 hours. They want to make it look as if he went on a mission and came back badly wounded. Nothing that would last beyond a few months. They claim that with that, they will be even."

"And they won't touch Hiroki?"

"They won't touch her."

"And you can make them respect that engagement?"

"Yes, I can," she let out with a sigh.

"So," I recapitulated, "no permanent traces, no mind alteration, just pure and plain torture for 48 hours?"

"Yes, although they asked to be allowed to use illusions."

She looked at me trying to read through my intentions.

"That's fair," I answered calmly. "If this can quench their need for revenge and leave Hiroki out of this, I'll do it."

Tsunade's eyes narrowed. She waited probably thinking it was a joke... but it wasn't.

"I… thought that you would oppose. You know what they do to traitors?..."

"Yes," I had spent a fair amount of my life in ANBU, people had no idea of what cruelty truly was unless they'd seen ANBU, so I knew probably better than anyone.

"And you truly agree with such nonsense?"

I nodded. To me, it wasn't nonsense. It was bargaining. Her life in exchange for mine, I was ready to sign the deal.

"Please, I know that you want her to be safe, but don't. Danzō had gathered some of your rivals from ANBU, you've hurt the pride of quite a few captains back there. They would be the ones taking care of it. If it would have been ROOT alone I wouldn't have been so concerned – their soldiers are too brainwashed to feel any real anger toward you but ANBU, and even more when we speak of their captains, lack none of that. I told them that it would be your decision in the end but I don't want you to submit to their childish whim."

"Are you ordering me to refuse, Hokage sama?" I said defiantly.

"We both know that they are the ones who should be punished. What they are doing is close to mutiny."

"I am a traitor too, Tsunade, to them _AND_ to you. I deserve it… and if that settles the score for good, I will hand myself over to them willingly." I said in a tone that suffered no appeal.

"You stupid brat! Whether you do it or not, you know I will protect Hiroki! I will protect her personally! Are you so infatuated with that girl that you are willing to lose your life over her? Please Kakashi, don't do it!"

I stayed silent but my gaze firmly stated that my decision was taken.

"I can give you a mild punishment or even a severe one if you insist… and force them to accept it. Yes, they will be mad at you and you might have to watch your back for revenge but when has this ever been a problem for you?"

She sounded desperate but I wouldn't back up.

"Nope, I'll do it," I said with a tone of finality before I emptied the second sake cup she had poured for me and raised from my chair. "I want to do it. I deserve punishment."

Her whole expression darkened.

"You're such a bad case of hero syndrome, Kakashi! You could very well die! Come back on earth! "

"I am grounded… more than at any time during the last days. You know it won't stop any other way."

She knew. Without a fairly high sacrifice, he would not let it go. I could tell her mind was racing to find the alternative that would spare me but it was a vain attempt.

"I guess there is nothing I can say that'll make you change your mind, right?"

"Don't feel guilty. It's my decision. It'll be alright," I said, smiling to reassure her.

"Then, I'll at least do my best to make sure they stick to the rules and bring you back to me alive."

I could feel the tension in her body. Her hands were shaking. I could feel what she was about to say would not come out easily. She stood up, her face regained its composure.

"Kakashi, you have a special secret mission. Come to my office tomorrow at 8… Dismissed."

Finally, all would get settled. If they were truly willing to keep their word concerning Hiroki, I had nothing to worry about anymore.

"Tsunade?..." I asked without looking back at her.

"I'll protect the child, I told you. Don't worry about that." There was a strong emotion in her voice. She would protect Hiroki but I knew she wouldn't be able to protect me. She didn't believe she would be able to either...

"Thank you, Tsunade. I know I've been a bother... I am sorry."

As I got out I heard her fall heavily in her chair.

On the other side of the door, Iruka and Hiroki were sitting together. Iruka had been nervous and, instead of letting his emotion build up, he had decided to teach Hiroki about genjutsu. They quickly turned to me trying to figure out how the meeting had gone.

"I am happy!" I said smiling mostly at Hiroki. "I know you'll be safe now."

I walked toward her and hugged her... maybe a bit too tight. I felt guilty but quickly forgot about it when I felt her arms circling around me and holding me just as tight.

"I got a special mission," I said cheerfully giving her no clue of the grim discussions that happened inside. "I need to leave tomorrow morning for a few days. I am sure ROOT will stop bothering you but I'd feel better if I knew you are not alone while I'm gone. I'll drop you at Tsunade's office tomorrow. Is that ok?"

My little display of joy seemed to have worked on her. She looked relieved. Iruka, on the other hand, looked suspicious but he knew better than to question my behaviour in front of Hiroki. We walked down the steps and parted.

Once we arrived at the apartment, I told Hiroki that I had a few things to pick up for the mission and went out. There were a lot of things I wanted to do before surrendering to ROOT and only a few hours to do them. I went to the cemetery. I knew Minato sensei would disapprove of pretty much all that I had done in the last few days but I still felt the need to tell him. As for Obito and Rin, I knew they would have been more lenient with me knowing how I cared for Hiroki and Iruka and I couldn't help but smile thinking of how much more extreme Obito would have been in my situation. Minato understood those feelings too but, whatever I felt, it led the two people I swore to protect in a trap. I had been a jōnin for quite a while already the day he died but today still I felt I needed his tutelage.

I didn't know what awaited me tomorrow. It felt strange. Despite Tsunade's best efforts, I knew there might still remain a chance that I would die going through it. Death wasn't a problem, it was as normal as living. What was really starting to dawn on me is that death would come, but I would have no right to defend myself. It would be painful and meaningless; nothing more than a punishment. Maybe it was just the death I escaped from the Citadel that was claiming me back. If it was the case, then it wasn't that meaningless. At least I had saved one life doing it… and Hiroki would be safe.

I felt as if I needed to tell a last goodbye to everyone, just in case. That's why I bit my finger and placed my hand on the ground, summoning Pakkun.

"What is it Kakashi?" The pug asked with his rough voice.

"You wanted an update?" I asked teasingly.

I explained the latest events to my most loyal ninken. I hid nothing. He sat still until I reach the end of my story. He was dismayed but he had expected it after our visit to ROOT.

"I've been acting with everyone as if all would be fine but I can't really make you believe that kind of bullshit. I know there's a lot of chances I'll die there."

The pug grunted.

"In terms of sticking your paw in awful situations, boss, you're definitely the best ."

"Yep, it seems I'm quite good at that," I answered, still finding funny that he would consider me part of the pack enough to use dog terms when talking about my human body.

But Pakkun was serious. He thought a bit then put his paw on my thigh.

"Kakashi, I know we are supposed to be strong ninja and stuff... but I truly hope you get out of this one alright..."

Pakkun wasn't the kind of dog inclined to demonstrations of affection but he let me take him in my arms and hug him for a while. We went through so much together and after the death of my father, he had acted like a surrogate parent for me. When I put him back down, his paw went to his eyes. Was he brushing a tear? He was always so grumpy and sanctimonious that it touched me to know that If I were to die, the irritating pug would miss me.

"Since we are together, Pakkun, there is something else I would like to ask you…"

::

Hi everyone!

It might be more difficult for me to update weekly for the next two chapters. I've got some life-changing paperwork to do next week (I got a huge grant! Hurray!) and chapter 20 will be a really heavy one to write. After that though, no excuses!

All the best to you all!


	19. Chapter 19: Kakashi: Last Wishes

**Chapter 19: Kakashi: Last Wishes**

When I came back home Hiroki had already packed her clothes and was sitting on the couch, almost sleeping. She welcomed me with a warm smile. Except for that tiredness in her eyes, it was as if nothing had happened. I envied her for this ability to leave the past behind. As long as her loved ones were fine, all was always alright.

"Tsunade told me that you took out quite a large number of ROOT guards!" I told her as I sat on the couch facing her. I took her hands in mines. I felt guilty. The nurses had wrapped her arms in white bandages. They must have found heavy burns when they checked her. At least she was here in front of me, and I couldn't think of any other way I could have gotten the same result with so few injuries.

She chuckled lightly, obviously flattered by the compliment. How I liked to see her smile like that…

"You learn fast," I said ruffling her hair as I had done so many times now. "To celebrate the fact that you got out of there alive, I have a gift for you. Next time you are in trouble, I want you to be able to summon my ninken."

Her eyes opened wide.

"But Kakashi... I can't..."

"Don't refuse this! You'll break those puppies, hearts." I said laughing at her qualm. "They were so happy when I asked them!"

She looked down and blushed. It was always hard for her to accept any kind of gift or attention. She had been drilled to serve others but she quickly understood that, for many people, giving was as much a pleasure as receiving and she stopped systematically refusing what was offered to her.

My summons were something I truly wanted to pass on to her. I always thought I was unlikely to have children. I had my genin team but Naruto was barely able to care for himself and I wouldn't see Sakura having a lot of fun with a bunch of dirty dogs. Hiroki was different. I knew she would take good care of them and, if I were to die, I suspected that my ninken would take good care of her as well.

I unrolled the summoning scroll between us and gave her a kunai.

"Now what you need to do is cut your finger and place it in the circle to sign the contract that will allow you to summon them."

She took the kunai hesitantly aiming at her finger. I smiled. I forgot how injuring oneself wasn't something innate.

"Here, I'll show you."

I took her hand in mine, uncurling the delicate fingers.

"If you don't want to bleed forever, here's how to do it."

I delicately pressed the kunai on her thumb at just the right angle and slid it without even pressing. She tensed just a little. For her, it must have been a pain that went right to the heart, but it was that kind of cut that healed faster. A drop of blood rose from it. I let got of her hand and looked at Hiroki pressing her finger on the scroll. Her mark was right beside the one I had made when I was a kid. I felt a pride probably similar to the one my father had felt at the time. To me, however, it was almost a wedding of sorts. No matter what happened, we were bound. As I looked at the bloody print with emotion, she gave the kunai back to me.

"You can keep it," I said. "I have tons of those… and the blade is better than the ones you own. Since you can throw them very well, it might be good to have one that can actually cut in close combat."

She should have been annoyed at me for nagging her like that but she had just accepted the fact that she was bad at kunai throwing and that, to a certain extent, it was part of her charm. She thanked me as she looked at the fine blade. I didn't dare telling it to her but this kunai was special. It was the very kunai my father had given me a few days before his death. I had hung onto it until now but giving it to Hiroki was a way to ask my father to extend his protection to her. Still, it was a pretty grim wedding gift!

After a while, her expression became sad. She put the kunai back on the table.

"What is it?" I asked.

She looked down, hesitating for a while but she knew I wouldn't let go.

"I... I am sorry. I put you in so much trouble... Now, I realise how much you had to fight for me to be able to live the life I have lived here. I would understand if you... I mean... I don't want you to be stuck defending me. You don't need to...

My eye curved upwards.

"Hiroki, you are a great shinobi. I said caressing her cheek with the back of my fingers. You are worth it. I wanted to have you by my side and I still do… and even if I changed my mind about it, Naruto, Sakura and Iruka wouldn't forgive me if I'd let you down. It's not as if you chose to belong to a nearly instinct Konoha clan with a strong kekkei genkai."

I wasn't sure she would feel as guilty if she knew what I had done to her before she went to the ROOT headquarters. It was more than time to explain it to her. She had to know. I had broken into her mind, piled traps over traps to a point where she could have suffered irreversible psychological damage, stuffed dangerous amounts of my own chakra into her that destroyed the chakra pathways in her arms and had forcefully burnt into her new defensive techniques until she passed out... who would do something like that to someone they loved without even telling them?

She had all the reasons to be mad at me, she should have cursed me, beaten me to a pulp, destroyed me and left me forever but, when I told her, she didn't.

Instead, her eyes told me that she understood way more than what I was telling her. I felt utterly naked. It was as if she had found a window and was peering directly into my soul. She had pieced it all together and, the way she looked at me, I was certain she knew how obsessed I was with her. No, she hadn't been mad at the fact that I had so carelessly stepped on her soul as if it were my own. She had simply understood it for what it really was: a desperate act of love.

I shivered.

I remembered how possessive I had been of her, how I gave her the choice to stay but would have hastily taken it back from her if she wouldn't have gone along with my plans, I remembered how I had almost raped her one night... How much of that was now clear to her?

I apologised but she refused it, over and over.

"Kakashi, you have always watched my back, you made sure I never got seriously injured. If there would have been any safer way to do this you would have chosen it even if it would have been more dangerous for you."

She was right. Today, I had chosen an option that meant possible death just to make sure her future would be assured. I had no more arguments.

"Then, I said, I want you to trust me one more time. I will undo the traps that haven't been triggered yet."

She nodded.

I removed my hitai-ate and took her hands in mines once again.

I saw the reflexion of my sharingan in her eyes and her face went blank. I felt uneasy but I chased the feeling away so that she wouldn't accidentally feel it.

I plunged into her mind.

A bloody battle of will had taken place. Danzō had busted through her defences, attempted to remove what was at the core of her whole being, but he had failed. If anything, the paths I had travelled a few hours earlier had only become wider and sturdier as if the experience had strengthened her. I picked up the debris and removed every ward left. I noticed that some branches of her soul had been drastically moved but I couldn't tell if it was by her own free will or caused by Danzō's attack. I left the new configuration intact. She seemed to be ok, so there was no need to change it back.

When I pulled myself out of her mind, her body dropped on mine. As I predicted, she was exhausted. She would probably sleep the whole night now. I took her in my arms and felt her heavy head against my shoulder.

I laid her on her bed and tucked her in. She looked so innocent, so peaceful. She had none of those strange quirks shinobi had in their sleep. I was certain that nights hadn't been that quiet for her at the Citadel but as with the rest, she had left it all behind. I hoped that she would never know about what would truly happen tomorrow. If I were to die, I knew that powerful people would take good care of her.

 _If I die tomorrow, Hiroki, do me the favour of leaving your memories of me behind and move on_.

I looked on last time at her soft features and the dark brown locks framing her face and went out.

I knew there would be at least one ANBU watching over my apartment but I was surprised to see that the designated ANBU was Tenzō. I knew I could do pretty much what I wanted with him. He wasn't as naïve as he had been when I had become his captain but I had raised him and for him, as for me, friends came before duty to Konoha.

I sneaked out of the apartment and very carefully made my way through the trees hiding my chakra signature as much as I could. As lightly as a breeze, I landed behind him and tapped on his shoulder. He turned to me rapidly ready to kill but quickly stopped with an annoyed grunt.

"Sempai! Did you really need to do that?"

"Of course, I did! It's way too much fun!" I said smiling and dodged his question with one of my own. "So, you have been sent to protect me or to make sure I wouldn't leave?"

"A bit of both," he said with his familiar deadpan tone.

"Don't worry, I will report to ROOT headquarters in the morning. I am not planning to avoid it."

He knew that I was loyal when I gave my word, but I could still feel the shock on his body.

"So, this is what has been decided... You can knock me out and just go, you know?"

"Well, that would settle nothing, right?" I replied playfully.

"But you more that anyone else should know..." he said straining to keep the emotions out of his voice. "No matter what they promised, they will..."

I cut him short.

"I know, Tenzō."

We looked away in silence. We had done that so many times on missions. Just sitting together in silence lost in our respective thoughts in front of a difficult situation.

"Sempai... if anything really bad happens to you..." He was hesitant. He didn't want to face that reality but if this were to be our last discussion he knew he would regret not saying what was on his mind. "If anything... I'll look after her as well."

Sweet Tenzō. I could tell just by his tone that he had meant it. He was the closest thing I had to a brother and I sensed that he probably felt the same way about me.

"May I ask you to start looking after her now then? I have a few things to settle..."

"Alright... but if you ever decide to leave..."

"Don't worry, I'll knock you down," I said smiling at him just to make certain he was thoroughly discouraged with me before he left. "But you don't need to worry about that. I truly intend to go."

I was keeping a cheerful face for him but, inside, I harboured the darkest thoughts. I put my hand on his shoulder and went away.

I had one last person I had to see before I surrendered myself to ROOT. I wanted to see Iruka.

He was in his apartment, sitting at his table in front of a thick book, once in a while, jotting down notes or folding the corner of a specific page. I liked to see him study like that. It was not something he needed to do. He was probably the best teacher Konoha had right now. He knew more jutsu than anyone else at the academy, he could tell the exact date of all the events in the history of Konoha and being with hellions every day had taught him a lot about warfare and strategy but, whenever he had the chance, he still opened books and added to his already wide knowledge. When I looked at him doing this I felt like a deep blanket of calm and serenity wrapping around me. I wished I had more time. If I had, I would probably just have sat on a tree branch watching him until he went to bed.

But tonight was for something else.

I landed on his windowsill. As I entered through the window, I saw the beginning of this lusty smile he always gave me when we were alone, but it fell apart as soon as he saw my expression. He knew how our world worked. The people who disobeyed were punished no matter if they were right or wrong, high jōnin or low genin.

"Kakashi? What is it?" he asked nervously.

I made a few steps toward him.

"Hiroki will be with Tsunade during my next mission but would you mind double checking on her?... and maybe teach her a few things?"

I tried to look casual but inside I just wanted to beg him to watch over her if I died. I looked down unable to completely control myself.

I could see Iruka didn't like what he saw. He didn't like it at all

"Kakashi," his tone became stern, "what is it really?" Seeing that I refused to answer, he continued. "The mission... is not a mission... Right?"

"It's secret orders," I replied lightly in an attempt to make him drop the subject.

"Come on. Not between us! What have they asked of you?"

There was a mix of frustration and despair on his face.

"Maa, Iruka, you know how it is," I said playfully, "I can't tell you."

But the fiery sensei wouldn't let go. He looked at me right in the eyes, silently waiting for me to spill it out just as he did with his students. I didn't want to say it, not to him. Tenzō knew and lived through some of those torture sessions but my soft Iruka... this was so out of his world... Not knowing would hurt but knowing would be way worse for sure.

"Thank you, Iruka," I said and I turned to leave.

…but Iruka stood up slapping his hands on the table

"Fuck you Hatake! I thought that we were close enough that if you were about to fucking die, you'd let me know!" His face was flushed with anger. "That's what we are talking about here, isn't it?! You are about to go and get killed?"

He saw right through me, as if I were transparent... as usual.

"Tell me, Kakashi!"

I scratched the back of my head. There was no way to avoid it. I didn't want to leave in a fight and although I didn't want to hurt him, Iruka was right, he deserved to know. I pulled him to the couch and sat beside him.

"It's information that could put you in trouble, don't repeat it."

He listened quietly his face becoming sadder and sadder as he calculated the possible outcomes.

"Kakashi... why did you accept this?" For once, it wasn't his lecturing tone. He was truly sorry for me.

"I accepted it because it was an insane request. If anyone gets to know about this petty torture session, or even better, if he kills me, Danzō would never be able to become Hokage. If he attempts anything on Hiroki again Tsunade won't be ashamed of letting that information out and it will be the end of him. This is Hiroki's insurance… it's the insurance he will never touch anyone I care about ever again."

A tear fell on Iruka's cheek.

"So you could really die…"

"Maa, that's fine. We're shinobi, that's usually what happens to us in the end. I am prepared for that."

He pressed his palms on his eyes taking a deep breath then looked at me with his swollen eyes.

"You always only think about yourself, don't you?"

That had been the reason why I didn't want to tell him about it but, he was right, even if I vanished without a trace, even if there was still hope that I could come back alive, people would not just slowly forget about me and stop caring. Some would feel pain, the same pain I felt for Minato, Rin and Obito. Would Naruto, Sakura and Hiroki carry my death like a wound for the rest of their lives like I did with Minato sensei? Naruto certainly would but he would also do something productive with it in his own unique way. I knew Sakura was strong. She recovered from Sasuke's departure in a way I never thought possible. She could summon that strength again, that I knew for sure… and Hiroki? Well, Hiroki seemed to be able to forget about anything bad as soon as it was over but a death was a "bad" that never ended. I liked to think she was strong but was she strong in that kind of way? Of that, I was less certain.

And then there was Iruka. Iruka, despite all that the obstacles he put in our way, loved me. He was always there, in the good and in the bad days. He saved me from myself countless times and cared for me when I was wounded. He also shared all the happiness all the successes and was the very reason I could now love again, not just the desire-filled love of lovers but also this strong attachment I had to my genin.

I pulled him against my chest and hugged him as if we could just melt and become one. I buried my nose in his soft brown hair inhaling the soft vanilla fragrance that clung to him.

"I think about others but in the wrong way. I am sorry to make you go through this, Iruka. I think about saving everyone's lives but I can't accept that I might deserve the same attention from others. I can't understand how someone as incredible as you could still think that a selfish jerk like me needs to live on. Haven't I done enough wrong already?"

Kakashi, you are not a selfish jerk… if anything you are too selfless… That's why I care for you and that's why I worry…"

He pushed himself further against my chest. "Aren't you afraid of what Danzō might do to you?

"To tell you the truth, I haven't though about it much…" I had been trying very hard to keep the idea of what he could do to me as fuzzy as possible. Despite my willingness to go to Danzō and maybe get killed in an atrocious way, I was still very much human and knew I would feel as much fear and pain as anyone else when the time would finally come.

"…and you don't want to…" he said slowly riding his head to kiss me. Shyly, his hands started to caress my torso and my hips. It felt good but, for a reason I couldn't understand, it hurt inside. I stopped him and kissed his forehead.

"You are correct, I don't want to think about all of this. I just want to cuddle with you if that's all right…"

I saw the worry grow in his eyes. He was not used to seeing me like this and, I could understand this, I was not used to feeling that way either…

"Thanks for always being there for me," I said. "I would have gone insane without you."

His body was warm against mine, it was the most comforting feeling.

"There's something I need to tell you, sensei. Please promise me you won't be mad…"

He let out a loud sigh.

"What have you done? I guess I'll have to forgive you anyway…"

I looked at him. He was so beautiful lost like that in my arms. His dark hair cascading over his shoulders, his tan skin shivering under my touch. There was no one more perfect than him, no one I wanted to be with more than the sweet and patient academy teacher.

"I love you… Iruka."

He stayed mute for a while. His chocolate eyes scrutinizing me. He was staring to feeling too… that this night could be our last. I saw a deep sadness filling him but he was too stubborn to fall into despair. He shook his head.

"You'll get out of there alive! I know you will… and no matter how broken you'll be, I'll be there to pick you up… and…" I could see he was on the verge of breaking but he had one last thing to say. This might be the words that would keep my heart together during the next few days. I wanted to hear them…

"And?"

"I…" I saw the pain marking his face, the knot forming in his throat… but he finally let it out.

"I love you too, Kakashi."

I forced him back against my chest trying so hard to keep the tears inside. I had wanted to hear those words from him for so long and now that they had been said, they burned painfully in my chest.

I hugged him tighter.

We stayed there, motionless, desperately clinging to one another and and fell asleep on the couch.

::

I came back home early in the morning. Hiroki was still sleeping in her bed, she hadn't moved at all. I woke her up for what was probably the last time. Even if I made it alive, they would certainly, and for very good reasons, take her out from my care, maybe even take her out of team 7… but what was the point of worrying about that. I might not even be alive to feel the pain of it.

I was happy she didn't know what the "mission" was. He bright smile and her innocent questions gave me strength. As we walked toward the Hokage tower, I looked at her carefully. , She had stopped limping, her back had straightened up, her eyes were piercing. She was a bright girl. She would make a great kunoichi, I was certain of it.

Tsunade welcomed us. She smiled to Hiroki almost as a mother would smile to her child. She shortly explained to her what she was expected to do for the next few days and what she would study. I suspected that she did this more for me than for Hiroki. She wanted me to know she was going to act on her words. I had no worries. With that kind of schedule, Hiroki would barely leave the Hokage's office for the next few days. I nodded to her in gratitude.

"Kakashi, unfortunately, there is a change in the plan. Your team is going to meet you at the ANBU headquarters. Is this alright with you?"

I was surprised but I understood. If there were a lot of ANBU involved in this, it would make sense that they would like to play with their own toys.

"I'll meet them there." I replied not letting any emotion pierce through my voice.

"Any other question on the mission before you go?" She was giving me a choice, I could spend the last few minutes with either Hiroki or her before I left.

"I have a few."

"Then, if you don't mind Hiroki…"

She nodded obediently.

"Hey, Hiroki," I said ruffling her hair. "Behave but not too much!"

She giggled and went out with Shizune. I watched them leave smiling to her in my usual lazy slouch. If I were not to come back, that's how I wanted her to remember me.

When the door closed Tsunade waited for me to talk.

I have two things to ask of you. I don't know exactly how I am going to come back from there so I'd rather tell you before I go.

Tsunade looked at me with a serious air. I knew she would consider my request as seriously as that of a dying man.

"First, if it's possible, could you keep Hiroki in team 7? Sakura and Naruto are her family. I don't want her to be alone. I'd rather leave team 7 than to see her kicked out of it…"

"I understand that. What's your second request?"

I pushed a scroll in her hand.

"My summons… If somehow I don't come back, please teach it to her."

Her look was sad.

"So you have been preparing for this," she answered. "It's hard to trust them, right?"

"Yes."

I smiled, startling her in this harsh moment. It is only then that I realised that her breath was shorter than usual, her eyes swollen. She did care about every shinobi of this village weather responsible and loyal like Iruka or flippant and unruly like myself… or maybe she did care equally about all those who fought for what was right. Still, I couldn't resist, I had to push her a bit before going away.

"It's finally your chance to get rid of me, Tsunade." I said taking back my lazy tone. "After this, you might not have to deal with my insubordination again."

By the shocked expression on her face, I knew I had read her emotions correctly.

"Kakashi, you are truly a monster!" She let out. "…but please, come back alive."

That was our last conversation. It had been heavier than expected, I was glad that I still had some extra time to calm down. I reached a high branch of the tree and remove my mask to breathe a little. As shinobi, we were prepared for torture but it was always something that would come unexpectedly to us, not something we would consciously walk toward and prepare for. I had to remember why I did this. It was what I wanted after all. Something that would settle it all, not just for just time, but for all the past grudges. The arrogant Sharingan no Kakashi would finally be theirs.

The time for regrets and sadness was over. It was the time for true strength.

When I appeared on the steps of ANBU doors five minutes earlier than my actual appointment time, I heard a sigh of relief from the guard. They had been scared I would not show up. I understood them because I wouldn't envy the poor shinobi who would try to chase after me.

As I pushed the heavy wooden doors, I look at the bright morning sun one last time. I would belong in the shadow now, for a very, very long journey.

::

 _ **Hello** **Everyone!**_

 _ **I am sorry. I feel that this chapter is a bit choppy. I can't exactly pinpoint what is annoying me the most. I just need to leave this chapter alone for a while... Again sorry!**_

 _ **Thanks for keeping up!**_


	20. Chapter 20: The Torture Chamber, Part 1

***WARNING***: Torture… a lot of it! If you don't like reading that kind of stuff, you can skip to chapter 22. There will be enough allusions to the important parts of these chapters later on so that you won't be lost if you decide not to read it.

Originally I wanted to publish the torture scene in one huge chapter so that it would be easy to skip over but I work better when I focus on smaller chunks so here it is, split into two parts. The first part is more on the gore-ish side. I softened it a lot because I couldn't read it myself! The second is more angsty and is about Kakashi breaking down psychologically. There is quite a lot of that in the story already so it might not feel as bad… That's another reason why I decided to publish it in two parts.

Thanks to everyone for keeping up! It's always sweet to see you are still around after so many chapters!

 **Chapter 20: The Torture Chamber, Part 1**

Kakashi: Submission

I knew my way around this place well. Nothing came as a surprise to me. Once inside, I was lead to the transition room between ANBU operations and the torture chambers. It was empty apart from a small table in the far left corner. From his mask and his chakra, I was pretty certain I didn't know the man who was taking care of me. He was either new to ANBU or from ROOT. He pointed at the off-white shirt and pants on the table.

"Please take off your clothes here and wear these," he said in a soft voice.

That fake politeness. It was a way to make you believe that, once inside, you would still be treated fairly, that those people weren't insane sadists.

I obliged. Buried deep in the darkness of my soul, my ANBU training came back automatically. I took off every piece of clothing slowly but effectively, without any harsh movement, in a way that would betray no emotions or rebellious intentions. I took off my hitai-ate and folded it neatly on the table. Then I removed my jacket and my shirt that were also neatly folded and placed beside my hitai-ate. I felt the gaze of my caretaker intensifying, waiting to see if I would have any hesitation to remove my pants or my boxers.

I had none.

I was prepared for complete and unconditional submission.

At first, I thought I was acting like this because of all the rationalisation I had done before coming here, because it was a noble cause, but no, it was all ANBU training. In ANBU, nothing was yours, neither your body, nor your soul and all the feelings you might have had in between were irrelevant. That was maybe the reason why some ANBU felt so deeply about torture sessions, it was the last piece of emotion they were allowed to have.

I put on the clothes that had been provided for me. They were simple shirt and pants. The fabric was rough and itchy. I guess they wouldn't lose the opportunity to create a tiny bit more discomfort if they could.

"Permission to talk, sir," I asked knowing full well I would get an annoyed glare.

"Permission granted," replied the tall man.

"I don't know how much control I'll have over the sharingan under torture. I am keeping it shut, but as a precaution, you might want to blindfold me."

The ANBU looked thoughtful for a while.

"Thank you Kakashi, I'll tell Tiger..."

Tiger... The ANBU general held a solid grudge against me. When I was in ANBU, we used to disagree constantly and on a variety of topics. He was closed-minded, he botched his jobs letting people go on missions with faulty information, he never cared if a team came back alive as long as the mission objective was reached... I wasn't the only one to hate him but I was sure the only one to tell it to his face. He was finally allowed to have his revenge. Of course, I should have expected that Danzō wouldn't get involved in that kind of dirty work but he knew who to chose to make sure it was done well.

My caretaker opened the door and I walked in the dark room keeping my left eye closed. The contrast in lighting made me totally blind. I'd get used to it, but for now, I followed my guide and prepared myself.

Tenzō: Apprehensions

He had given his life for Konoha. In ANBU, he had seen and done things nobody should have ever seen or done just because someone had to do it. He said if anyone should to go through this, it might as well be someone who had nothing to lose. He had sacrificed himself over and over again and when he finally got out of ANBU, he dedicated his life to his genin students with the same intensity.

But Konoha didn't seem to care and Tsunade sama had been powerless to do anything about it.

For me, the worse blow had been to learn that Sempai had given up the fight and accepted ROOT's terms. It felt surreal, nearly impossible. Sempai could not surrender, he never did. He was fearless, resourceful, incredibly clever. He was like no one else.

What the hell had happened for him to be stuck here!

I really didn't want to see this. I was certain that Sempai could withstand torture for longer than I could watch it before turning insane but Tsunade sama had asked me to look after him and Sempai meant too much to me. I couldn't refuse. He had taken me from the darkest place and pulled me into the light. I had longed to belong somewhere, to have some kind of family so I had jumped in the arms of the first organisation that offered me anything that might vaguely look like it without any question. Was I doing good or bad deeds in ROOT? I had no clue. I had totally forgotten to ask if they were the good or the bad guys.

Then sempai had come and forced me to think, to ask questions, to challenge the truth I was given. I couldn't just follow the group because they were the only choice I had anymore. I had to give a meaning to my own existence.

The risk was great but I took it and jumped in Sempai's trail.

Sempai hadn't let me walk in his footsteps for very long. As soon as I had adapted to ANBU, as soon as I had made friends and found a semblance of stability, he had steadily pushed me to think further. I wasn't another Kakashi, I wasn't to become like him. "You are better than that," he often said. He always believed that I could outdo him, become stronger, live longer, be wiser. He said that I was level-headed, collected and practical, something he could never be. Despite the effort he put into burying his own emotions, they would always resurface. He knew he could be passionate and impulsive… and that it would lose him someday.

Maybe he was right. Maybe it was why he was here today, but this peculiar trait of his has saved me so many times. Not just me but so many of his friends and teammates. It was also the reason why he had such an incredible track record. He was always willing to put his life on the line to save that of others.

With the mokuton and all that he had taught me, it was undeniable that I had become one of his peers. The mokuton inspired fear and allowed me to be deadly efficient at both long range and close combat. My team, as he had taught me, always was above everything else and I made sure they came back safe from every mission we undertook. My success rate was at least as good as that of team Ro but I would never become a legend like him.

The bloody Copy Nin always went beyond the missions, discovered what was underneath the underneath and gave a new meaning to each of them. He had a dedication that was above that of anyone I had ever met before him while being outrageously humble about it.

All those years he had been my captain in ANBU I had always felt his warm hand on my back both pushing and protecting me. He had brought me way beyond what I had ever hoped to reach and, despite the fact that he was the sole responsible for my growth, still found the way to be astonished and dazzled at my progress pushing back all the merit to me. When you have someone like that in your life, you know you can never, never let him down…

…even if it meant staying behind that wide mirror with expressionless eyes looking at him die little by little.

My heart would be torn to shreds, the images I would see would leave scars for years and haunt all my nightmares but, if I could relieve any of the pain, even if it was almost insignificant, I would be worth it.

I felt the pang of pain in my chest when I finally saw Sempai enter the room followed by an ANBU wearing a bird mask. Along the wall of the room, several other ANBU were watching him, waiting their turn. They were there to shatter him to pieces and then shatter those pieces into even smaller ones. They were planning to break him physically as well as mentally. He would become dust in their hands…

The ANBU that had come in with him took one of his wrists raising it above his head fumbling a bit in the dark to find one of the shackles and closed it over his pale skin. The clicking sound echoed in the room marking a point of no return. The second shackle was easier to find and clicked closed just as easily as the first. The ANBU left him there, tied to the rough stone wall.

It was heart-wrenching to see Sempai like that. Everything in him was an oppressing resignation. No nagging, no tongue in cheek comments, even pride was gone from his traits.

But he was also uncommonly beautiful.

I remembered our ANBU days. I clearly had a crush on him at the time. He was graceful, deadly and the ANBU uniform was definitely more flattering to his athletic silhouette than the baggy standard uniform he wore nowadays. Looking at him today, I could see he was as fit as ever. The shirt was a bit too large for him, but I could still see the strong and lean muscles working under it. The dim light of the room reflected on his silver hair. His eyes were hidden in the shadows but he had a flawless jaw and a fine straight nose.

And then there was this calmness to him. The people we usually had here were anxious, angry or agitated. Compared to them, Sempai was quiet and obedient but the way his hands grabbed the chains over his shackles showed he was prepared to endure pain while protecting himself as much as he could.

Tiger walked in and did just what wild tigers did. He walked around his prey appraising the catch with a predatory glance. He asked him the usual questions. Did he know why he was there? Did he know why he was punished? Sempai knew full well and answered simply, again, without any pride in his voice. He knew the game well and knew better than to enrage Tiger before it even started.

Two men moved forward with sturdy bokkens and started to hit Sempai one after the other. The speed and strength of the blows raised steadily but Sempai stayed silent, biting his lips to refrain a cry. The bokken broke and the men only replaced them before they continued their work. Sempai's expression clenched until he was in such pain that he couldn't brace for the blows properly anymore. The tensed muscles that protected his torso started to relax despite his best efforts and the strokes reached bones and organs. When the third set of bokken broke they untied him and picked up metal rods, mixing the blows with kicks and punches slowly bringing him to the ground. As he gasped for air, I saw the sharingan orb shining through his barely opened eye. At this point, I could tell he already had some broken ribs which made it very difficult for him to breathe. The guys didn't hold back anymore, they wanted to destroy him and didn't stop until he laid flat on the ground. The fourth hour came. They gave him a few kicks in the ribs and went away.

Tiger walked in the watching room and patted my back. It was the cue to go. I involuntarily shuddered under the touch – I hated the guy so much. I took a deep breath, grabbed the medic and went into the torture chamber.

My mission was basically to supervise Majire, a young prodigy, who hadn't seen much of life but could heal almost anything. I was also there to make sure that Tiger would follow the rules and returned Sempai alive. Lastly, Tsunade sama wanted me to check on Sempai's sanity and make sure that he stayed with us.

Check, check and… probably check again.

I quietly walked toward Sempai and knelt beside him. What a mess. He was a mix of sweat, tears and blood. Apart from his ribs, the muscles in his left shoulder were starting to tear.

"Sempai, it's Tenzō. I can't do anything to take you from this but Tsunade sama sent me to make sure they don't kill you."

"A gardian angel, huh?" he replied, a bit of amusement in his voice. "So you opened your big mouth to complain to her and she sent you here to punish you?"

I was taken aback but still played his game.

"No, I've been sent here to scare you to death with my _fear face_!"

He snorted but there was a faint smile on his face.

"Hey, I thought I wasn't supposed to get killed here…" he replied.

I felt a relief. This was definitely Sempai's nagging voice.

Even now, he could read the situation quite clearly. He had been basically right. There were more nuances but he had figured it all. Tsunade sama was scared for him and when I came to her office, she begged me to go with him.

I smirked but continued.

"Magire, here, is not very talkative but he is the best medic in ANBU. We will tend to your wounds."

Magire did not wait for permission. He started to heal the worse of the fractures and internal damage. I had to admit that his skills were pretty impressive. Meanwhile, I cleaned the blood as gently as I could. It wasn't the first time I did that. Sempai really had a gift when it came to putting himself in bad situations... but he shouldn't be there, he shouldn't undergo something like that. He had brought a treasure to Konoha (because that girl with the sharingan would definitely become strong and loyal, I could already tell) and he was being punished for trying to keep her safe. This made no sense…

…but if he ever asked me to, I was willing to disobey all orders and get him out of here.

That's probably why Tsunade sama had wanted me here. Of all the people who cared for Sempai, I was probably the one who could withstand this cruel game the longest while also being ready to give up all I had to help him out.

I lowered myself until I reached his ear.

"Listen, I will come every four hours, that makes twelve times in total. Each time, I'll tell you where we're at. It has been four hours now."

He nodded.

I was about to go when he talked again.

"Tenzō," his voice was ragged, "you don't need to witness this. If it gets too much for you to bear you can leave. I accepted that they want me dead. It's ok if it happens."

Maybe it was ok with him but I would be utterly crushed if he died because I had left him alone with these rascals.

"Sempai, stop saying nonsense!" I replied hastily.

But he meant it. His voice was weak but with enough resolve that I wouldn't be able to find it inside of me to completely disobey him.

He turned his head away from me. That meant that our conversation was over.

Kakashi: Drowning

Tenzō … Tenzō was watching over me.

I didn't know how I felt about this. If there is anyone who could do the job of watching me being tortured, it was probably him but I could see he was already suffering. Anyone else would have missed it but I had known him for too long. The slight narrowing at the corner of his eyes, the vertical crease, barely visible, that ran between his eyebrows and his voice, just a bit too soft, those were the signs of a Tenzō in pain.

I gave him my blessing. He could leave me alone with them. He didn't have to watch… but I knew he wouldn't go. This wasn't him. He would just endure the pain quietly until either the time was up or I'd die.

After a while, two guards came and laid me on a wooden board. Tiger was here again, proud as ever.

"I've been told dogs like water. Let's see how well you'll withstand this one."

They would try to drown me.

I took slow deep breaths. I knew what was coming. I had to stay calm. I needed to stay clearheaded if I could ever hope to time myself properly. They were not trying to kill me, this was just torture. So there would be a method to it. I had to figure it out.

The ANBU tied me up to the plank, raising my feet over my head. Then they double checked again. They were scared. I could take a beating and remain fairly docile, they knew about that, but what they were trying to induce was panic and who knew what an ex-ANBU could do when his survival reflexes were triggered...

They put a cloth over my face and poured water over it. I held my breath and counted. I felt darkness closing over me, not that I could see anything, but my whole body felt heavy my fingers were getting numb... but my body wouldn't let me pass out. My lungs extended forcing me to take a deep breath but nothing came in. The cloth tightened against my mouth and nostril closing all air access.

I had to wait, I had to get myself under control but I was beyond the breaking point.

My eyes shot wide open and my body moved on its own, thrashing at restraints that were far too strong for it to break. I coughed and let out a silent scream emptying my lungs of what little air they still contained. There was nothing I could do except dig a hole for myself.

The ANBU rose the cloth and I gasped for air. The world suddenly came back into focus. I felt the adrenalin coursing through my body, my heart was racing. Immediately, they put the cloth back on and poured more water over it.

This time I couldn't hold my breath, I couldn't wait it out. My lungs pulled as hard as they could but the wet cloth didn't let any air through. I felt a tearing sensation in my lungs, my heart was beating so hard I thought it would come out of my chest, an intense pain was shooting down my legs. I felt as if I wouldn't be able to catch my breath ever again.

I accepted death but my body didn't and fought it with everything it had. Once in a while, they would remove the cloth to let me breathe and, if I could have rationalised it, I would have known they were giving me way more chances to fill my lungs than what I actually needed... but I had lost it.

The pain I was having wasn't about drowning or suffocating, it was about panic, terror and fear taking over my body.

The break they gave me became longer and longer but I couldn't catch up. It was never quite enough to feel satiated but never enough for me to lose consciousness either. I wish the ANBU would actually drown me so I could pass out but they didn't.

They repeated the process, I don't know how many times until I felt something snap in my rib cage. It was one of the ribs Majire had healed. It had broken again under the high stress. Truly unable to breathe, my whole body tensed and stopped moving. They removed the cloth and released me.

When they finally finished untying my restraints, I just fell down on the wet floor unable to even sit. I breathed and coughed loudly still unable to recover.

Soon, I felt Tenzō's comforting hands over my shoulder. I didn't expect it to feel so good. I hung to that feeling like a child to its mother. I calmed down and slowly my breaths became even. Tenzō made me feel safe in a way I hadn't experienced before. I had nothing to hide from him, no facade to uphold and no fear of traumatising him with my pain. He had seen me in worse situations and, what's more, he wasn't the kind of person to pity me. It there was anyone with whom I felt a level of intimacy and trust sufficient to let him care for me in the kind of broken state I was, it was Tenzō. I realised that now.

Tenzō: Cutting

He was strong, I always knew... everyone knew.

That's probably why they had attempted such extreme torture on him. Any less than that wouldn't even make him react. Yet, I could see that this was totally unsatisfying for Tiger. He wanted to hear him scream and beg. Sempai knew that this was what Tiger wanted, so why didn't he give it to him?

I turned Sempai on his back so that Magire could heal the damage to his ribs and his lungs

His gaze was empty, he might have been looking at the ceiling but he might also have been looking at nothing at all. His lips were bluish and his skin ghostly white.

There was nothing more I could do without medical knowledge. I felt useless.

I used our ANBU sign language to tell him that 8 hours had passed since he had arrived. Forty still remained.

Sempai took my hand in his and squeezed it tightly. I wanted to comfort him but it wasn't something I had ever received. No one had taken me in their arms after a nightmare or reassured me when I was scared. It was an alien concept to me.

I took my free hand and caressed his silver hair.

 _I wish I could do more for you, Sempai._

"Magire," I said looking at the young medic, "don't heal him too quickly. Take your time."

After a long moment, Sempai's eyes closed and his body relaxed. His breath was even. He looked as if asleep.

I felt a mix of pain and rage similar to what I felt when, as a child, I saw my test tubes siblings dying. There was nothing I could do but witness it behind a glass. This was just unfair... but I covered the feeling. I covered it with layers and layers of planks thrown methodically over my heart until I felt only a faint discomfort. I couldn't let myself feel for him or I wouldn't be able to withstand the rest of it.

When, I got injured, when I got cold, I dealt with the sensations as if they were nothing more than information. I would recover and they would be gone.

I knew Sempai could do that too, I hoped he did. If what they did to him was limited to physical torture, Sempai would be alright.

I had to deal with what they were doing to him in the same way. His pain was only an information to me. An information that would help me make sure he stayed alive. Then he would recover — Sempai always recovered — and that pain would go away, for both of us.

I stood up and went back behind the mirror.

"I will watch over you Sempai," I whispered.

It took a while before two guards came into the room. They kneeled on the floor and looked at Sempai for a while. He was still sleeping. The first guard passed his arms under Sempai's torso while the other went for his legs. They rose the limp body and brought him to a stainless steel table. Slowly, they got rid of his blood stained shirt. Under it, some parts of the skin had taken a deep burgundy colour.

They tied him up with an impressive number of straps, first his torso, then his arms, then his legs...

With each click, my chest tightened a bit.

I felt my emotions barge at the restraints I had placed over them.

Tiger was looking at me with interest.

"What's wrong Tenzō?"

I stared at him for a second but stayed silent.

Soon, a tall ANBU with a pig mask came in. He carried nothing with him but thin and sharp blades. He circled around the table looking at Sempai in a way he shouldn't have the right to. He scratched at the white skin with his nails but Sempai didn't wake up. The ANBU repeated the gesture a few times but Sempai was too exhausted to wake up from something so gentle. Getting impatient the ANBU slapped him across the face with full force. Sempai woke up with a start tensing against the leather restraints but calming down almost immediately as he fully remembered where he was and why.

The ANBU caressed Sempai's flesh with his blade but as I expected, Sempai was unimpressed by the show and closed his eyes again. The ANBU frowned but went back to business. He started to slice through the flesh, one cut, then another, and another… They were neat parallel lines; evenly spaced. Once in a while, a drop of blood would fall on the pale skin contouring Sempai's ribcage or his arms, but most cuts were bloodless.

Once in a while, Sempai made some hissing sound and tensed a little as the cuts became more and more numerous. His brows furrowed, his jaw clenched. With each cut, he took in a breath and, with each breath, he opened the wounds on his ribcage plunging in a small loop of pain. Then he slowly took control of himself again and the ANBU continued his work. Compared to his last torture session this kind of sustained pain looked almost like a meditative experience.

Still... watching him was hard and I could sense Tiger's gaze on me scrutinising my every reaction. I could tell he liked it. Certainly not as much as he enjoyed looking at Sempai suffer, but I had been in the same team and, as such, I was almost as much a nuisance to him.

When the session was over, I took a deep breath and went into the chamber. This hadn't been nearly as harrowing for Sempai as the previous session but I could sense the exhaustion. I doubted that anyone in Konoha had ever lived through anything similar. Torturing someone for such a lengthy amount of time was an investment probably few shinobi had the heart to do… even in T&I!

Magire went slowly this time and healed Sempai's wounds one after the other. I knew Sempai was awake, but he kept his eyes closed. There was probably not much he wanted to say or hear. I waited patiently by his side until Magire had finished his work. Then I bent over him putting my hand on his shoulder and whispering to his ear:

"Twelve hours have passed."

Kakashi: Cutting Deeper

I had felt Tenzō's chakra at my side. It was tensed, knotted all over itself, just like when he was on mission and I took useless risks… No, it wasn't exactly that. It looked more like when we were home and he saw me fight with other ANBU captains to protect my team. This kind of thing was what Tenzō did when he was worried for me.

I had wanted to talk to him, to tell him I was fine but I couldn't. I couldn't say I was broken yet. I couldn't say I wanted to get out of there and run away but I sensed Hound's scornful gaze on me. I had developed a kind of humanity and caring he didn't have but there was a cost to it. I had become both wiser and weaker… and now I needed Tenzō. He was my lifeline.

I felt the weight of his warm hand on my shoulder, the familiar smell of wood that almost always emanated from him as he whispered into my ear.

"Twelve hours have passed."

I wanted to thank him but my voice would have broken, my soul would have broken.

I stayed silent.

I heard the door close and felt two chakra signatures in the room. I opened my eyes. A man with a white coat came to me. With his white mask and black hair, he looked like a negative version of myself.

"Kakashi sensei, I see that those guys have been really mad at you," he said looking at the purple bruises and scars all over my body. "Well, I come for a different reason. I want to give you a gift… that is, if you can survive this ANBU revenge at all... Anyway, it's my little experiment, if your body supports it, you could even thank me later."

He didn't explain what it was or what I would gain from it.

He just went on.

"In order to do that, your body needs to open all of the Eight Gates."

The Eight Gates? This wasn't just torture, it was dangerous. Especially since opening the final gate usually meant… death. As if he had read into my expression of surprise, he explained some more.

"No, no, don't worry, I won't make you open those gates by yourself. I am a scientist, I like when things are under control," he looked at me haughtily. "I will open them artificially, with those injections." He pointed at a display of colourful syringes. I recognised the colours of the different gates. In the corner of my field of vision, I saw the other man, probably his assistant, preparing an IV.

Kami, I hated hospitals!

I shrugged.

I was certain they hadn't done that on purpose. At least the man was more gentle and considerate than Tsunade…

He sterilised my skin and inserted the needle in my arm.

"People open the Eight Gates to get an incredible strength but what is less known is that it also restores the full sensitivity of the body. The five senses, the pleasure, the pain... all is amplified. You'll see, we'll have some fun together later."

I looked at the assistant injecting the coloured liquids through the tube one by one. The elixir would take some time to take effect. They would leave me alone for a while now. I closed my eyes and let go while the drug took over my body.

I woke up with a startling pain. I tried to sit up to take a deep breath but I was blocked by my restraints right away creating an intense twinge in my body. I forced my eyes closed taking small breaths at a time until the pain went away.

What was that?

The Eight Gates... how many of them had been truly opened?

I could probably escape from here pretty easily if they did it completely… but I felt no chakra in my body… no chakra at all.

This was impossible. I just wouldn't be alive if it were the case. I didn't have much strength, but I was still there.

I saw a smirk on the white coat nin's face.

"Not bad."

I heard the sound of metal against metal. They were actively preparing for something. I didn't want to try to anticipate it. I was exhausted and I just wanted to take advantage of the time they took to do all this to rest some more.

The assistant put heavy blocks against the side of my head taping them in place while the other took measurements and wrote all over my body.

I tried not to think about it but, by the smell and the feeling of antiseptic they were putting on my skin, I could tell that what they truly intended to do a surgery… and I would be conscious to witness it.

I felt a scalpel tearing through flesh and muscles of my abdomen.

I disconnected myself from my body as best as I could. It didn't even matter what he was doing. This body wasn't me... but there was pain still.

My teeth clenched and my fingers tried to dig in the metallic surface. I tried to close my eyes but the pain only grew worse…

…so I opened them back. I looked at the ceiling. Anything not to feel or realise what they were doing…

The ceiling was made of concrete and had a perfect uneven texture to it. There were small holes where air bubbles had been. They made intricate patterns on the grey surface. If I tried, I could see patterns or images… or maybe I could count them…

I felt an excruciating pain in my guts for a moment.

I stopped and saw the faces of the two scientists hovering over me. There was blood on their hands, my blood, but I didn't want to know…

Where was I? Counting… Yes, counting seemed nice.

While I counted the first few hundreds I was distracted often but around the three hundreds, the task became challenging enough to keep me focused.

The pain grew steadily, I felt sick and dizzy but I wouldn't look at what they were doing. They were talking to me but I wouldn't listen. I just wanted to pass out from the pain and, eventually, I did.

::"He is back."

"He is back."

It was the voice of the assistant. My head felt heavy still but the pain had left. I slowly opened my eyes. I saw blood splattered all around me, but my skin had been sewn back together. Any time I was unconscious was time I wasn't aware of what torture was done to me.

Letting me pass out was almost a gift from him.

"It's unfortunate you are no medic Kakashi sensei. You might have praised me! I rerouted your deep chakra channels to make them more efficient. You were pretty average in regards to your chakra reserves. It was almost a relief to see you had such a banal flaw. Well, in any case, you will notice the change when you'll have to rely on it. Now, let's give you a bit of a chakra boost."

I felt it. It was like a blinding light coursing through my body. Electricity ran through my raw chakra pathways at high speed.

The assistant held me down as I screamed in pain.

"Calm down! Tensing only makes it worse."

It was only once the pain had reached all over my body at debilitating strength that it finally started to fade.

The room was quiet.

I heard the assistant gathering tools and the IV was removed from my arm.

"Now you can rest. I am done with you."

Tenzō: Night Watch

Kakashi was halfway with us, halfway somewhere else. He tended to become more and more unconscious as the time flew by. It had been over 20 hours now, it was normal for him to feel fatigue. I started to feel it too.

I stared at the glass, impassive.

"Majire," I said without turning around, "go to sleep."

"But, Taichō," the young voice replied, "I can still keep up. No need for me to rest yet."

Young people, they were always trying to show how much they could push their limits. I didn't feel like crushing a child's unnecessary pride. I sighed.

"Then go eat or take a shower. Kakashi sempai doesn't need to be healed and they won't touch him for a while now."

I didn't hide the annoyance in my voice. He understood. His whole body straightened.

"Yes, Taichō."

I stayed in front of the glass for a while. The torture chamber was empty. Sempai was alone. I was alone too. Most ANBU had gone away.

Yes, I was definitely tired.

 _We are getting old Sempai_ , I thought as I stretched my back.

I crossed into the other room. I took a chair from the far corner of the torture chamber and sat next to him.

I didn't know what to do.

I remembered how he had taken my hand a while ago, that must have felt soothing in a way, so I took his hand in mine inserting my fingers between his.

"You're half-way through now. I know, I wish it would be more than that but let's hope they'll let you sleep late." I looked at him. His hair was wet and combed back. It felt strange to see his forehead. I don't think I have seen his whole face exposed like that before. They had been careful not to leave a trace on it. There was only a bad bruise on his forehead from when he had fallen face first on the concrete floor when they tried to drown him. That wouldn't stay long though.

"When this will be over," I said not knowing if he could here me or not, "I'll treat you to Ichiraku and we'll go drink some sake like in the old times… and then you'll need to present me this new student of yours. She must have a hell of a character to be able to put up with you so easily!... or maybe you've changed and have actually become a decent human being now… I think it's probably the later… I am proud of you Sempai."

I rested my head on the hard metallic surface of the table and fell asleep, my fingers entwined with his.


	21. Chapter 21: The Torture Chamber, Part 2

***Warning: Mentions of rape... just so you know.

 **Chapter 21: The Torture Chamber, Part 2**

Kakashi: The Presence

When I awoke, I was free, but I couldn't have done much if I ever had wished to. I was lying on the cold floor, crippled by pain. I looked at the ceiling. I recognised the patterns in the concrete. They had barely moved my body, just removed the table under it. I turned my head and saw the rest of the room. Chains hung from the ceiling with, at their ends, handcuffs, hooks and other things that I preferred not to think too much about.

I heard high pitched plaints. I felt a presence nearby but it was not ANBU. I pushed myself off the ground with my hands. I could move a little, but quickly my head span.

"Finally awake," Tiger nagged.

I felt a bit more rested so they probably did let me sleep after all. Tiger knelt beside me.

"I have a friend for you, Kakashi," he said with a warm voice.

This couldn't be good...

I looked at the opposite side of the room. My sight was blurry, I could not see much... but there was a girl, her wrists were tied over her head.

"You said you would obey anything... Now rape her."

I looked in Tiger's direction unable to hide my anger.

"I agreed to be tortured Tiger, not to do your bidding," I replied. "Torturing others wasn't part of the deal."

I squinted but I still couldn't see who the girl was... Her desperate whimpers made it hard for me to concentrate.

"As I heard, you said you were willing to guarantee that your genin wouldn't defect with your own life," he said with a laugh.

I did my best to refrain from rolling my eyes at him.

"Well, I did say that... but it's totally unrelated."

"On the contrary, we are not killing you but your life is ours..."

"If you like to play on words so much..." I spat bitterly.

"Kakashi, do it, or else... Well, you know what we'll do to her..."

I was raging.

"Fuck y..."

"Hey! Language! Think a bit," Tiger replied in his best Commander's voice."

Was she a shinobi, a civilian or something else? I couldn't know. Maybe there was a way out of this. I had to go and see her. I grabbed one of the chains that hung from the ceiling and, after a while, I got up on my feet. My head was still spinning. I looked at the girl at the other end of the room, she had dark brown hair, deep teal eyes and wore a long purple hoodie...

They did not do that, Hiroki couldn't be here! I pulled myself from one chain to the other at a slow pace, the closer I got, the more she looked like her.

If they did that, the bastards would pay...

I stopped, Tiger looked at me with amusement. He was getting to me, I had to keep him out. I pulled myself on one chain and then the other until I got only a few feet away from her. Damn, I still couldn't see. I pulled myself on one last chain and took her chin in my hands. She tried to turn away... It couldn't be her, not with that reaction. The bastards...

Tenzō: The Girl Named Hiroki

He was a fascinating sight. He shouldn't have been able to do more than crawl and yet he managed a dislocated walk toward her. He had the aura and magnetism of a savage beast. Hanging by a chain, he was unsteady but highly determined, looking at her with both his eye and his sharingan but still could see nothing because of the drug they had given him before he was released. His hand rose slowly to her jaw, his eyes squinted trying to focus on her traits and then he dropped the hand that had cupped her face. His other arm weakened a bit but he pushed his leg further under him to balance the weight. His eyes closed from the effort. Swinging on his feet a bit, he looked toward Tiger who laughed again.

"Yes," he said, "it's not her, but she does look like Hiroki, right? I know you love that child, I know you desire her, now let's see how it feels to rape her."

The girl cried, begging for clemency. Kakashi knew better. He fully understood what Tiger had meant. His head went back to the girl, it tilted to the side as he got close to her. Still rocking on his feet he steadied himself by grabbing her shoulder. She dropped, silent. He looked at her with curiosity as if making certain again that it wasn't the one he thought she was.

"Look," he said with a husk voice. "If I don't take you..."

She cried and tried to get out of his grasp but Sempai was patient.

"Listen... If I don't take you, they will do even worse to you just to punish me."

Her sobs became softer.

His head span, I could see it, he dropped his head and took his breath.

"What is your name?" he asked.

"They told me my name was Hiroki," she replied her voice weak from all the sobbing she had done.

Sempai took a deep breath, he knew what game they were trying to play on him.

"I understand. They won't let you tell me. I am sorry you got into this..." he made a pause, pondering. "...Hiroki."

Her head raised toward him, she looked at him right in his open eye. Kakashi's hand held the side of her head in a comforting gesture.

"I won't do anything against your will..."

Kakashi: Beyond the Looks

A civilian... a civilian I didn't know... What was I to do? If I didn't take her they would probably rape her or beat her up. I looked at Tiger. What was he thinking? I couldn't stand, in fact, I could barely move. There was no way I could do anything to her even if both of our lives depended on it. In another situation, I could have put myself in mission mode and be gentle with her... but even then, even if I'd rape her and collapsed in tears doing it, would they release her? They were crazy enough to torture her afterwards anyways...

"You can..." The fragile voice took me out of my reflections. I looked at her. There was silence. Her beautiful wide teal eyes were shining from the unshed tears gathered in them, her lower lip slightly shaking. She looked like Hiroki the day she had awakened the sharingan... trembling but strong... she was so much like her...

"Please... take me," she said. It was barely more than a whisper. "Please..."

I saw the tear running along her soft cheeks as she pleaded. Even if I knew it was not her, I couldn't help myself from pressing the girl's head against my chest to try to comfort her.

 _Don't say that to me Hiroki. I've been fighting so much not to take you..._

The day I had looked at her sleep with barely controlled desire, I hadn't wanted to make love to her, to care for her and bring her into that sweet bliss I'd hope she'd know with someone else some day. I had just desired her, I had wanted to take her small body and make it mine, to touch every inch of her skin, to leave bite marks everywhere and to be inside her until I completely melted into her... and then erase all her memories of it! That was the urge I had on that night and I felt the guilt of it every time I saw her.

But I hadn't done it on that day... and I blessed Kami my body was in no condition to do it to that girl today. True, I was a monster but at least I was partially tamed.

I had to clear my mind now. I had to take the best decision for both of us.

I decided to settle for half and half. I wouldn't take her per see, my body was incapable of it, but I could pass out attempting it which would give them no reason to torment her further since I wouldn't be there to witness it.

I reached up to her handcuffs and opened them with a small burst of chakra. We both fell on the floor. I rested on my back barely able to breathe. She did the same.

When I was finally able to roll over to my stomach, she flinched a bit but she hadn't moved. She laid there, waiting to be taken.

My heart was crushed. It felt so wrong both because she _looked_ like her and because she _wasn't_ her.

She cried softly.

Tears, that is probably what I would have seen hadn't I been able to resist the temptation that evening when I had looked at her sleeping peacefully in her bed. Like that girl, she didn't like me... not in that way.

"I will not hurt you," I said. "Think about someone you love."

The poor girl was there only because she looked like Hiroki but I could help her go through this. Curse Tiger. Now I had to get emotionally involved with this girl... I looked at her with the sharingan.

At first, I felt her fear but then, I smiled. She had a boy she loved. He had jet black hair and fair skin. He spent all his time training horses and never looked at her. Well, today he would see her... and love her.

I dragged my body closer to hers and caressed her cheeks. Her hands blindly reached for me as a smile slowly appeared on her lips. I kissed her, moving my hand to cup her soft breasts. Her body slowly lost itself in the trance and her hands dropped by her sides, her chest rising and falling under me.

That smile, I knew it wasn't Hiroki, I knew it wasn't for me but it made me feel an unbearable mix of warmth and pain. I wanted Hiroki to be happy, to have a kind of happiness that couldn't be destroyed, but seeing that dark haired boy between us felt like having a gaping hole in my chest. It hurt. It hurt more than it should have. My emotions were running wild, totally uncontrolled. It was as if Hiroki was here with me, I could even smell her scent...

The sharingan was taking it's toll as I fuelled her dreams with images I stole from her fantasies. I was exhausted. I lied on my side, twisting her head toward me, keeping eye-contact. She let out a soft moan. I let my hand slide further south looking at her body react to my touch. Even her body looked like hers... I felt tears running from my eyes but I didn't dare think about what they truly meant.

I discharged my chakra into her pushing her over the edge. I felt her whole body tense under me as she climaxed. I collapsed beside her, crying. I hung to the lower end of her coat.

Why was I crying? The girl wasn't even her, she hadn't even suffered.

Then I realised it. It was the smell, it was overwhelming. What that girl was wearing was the hoodie Hiroki had on her when she went to ROOT. I didn't notice at first because the girl looked so much like her that I had assumed I had hallucinated it.

But I hadn't.

My strength was finally leaving me... I had barely any chakra left.

Everything went black.

I passed out.

Tenzō: Safe and Sound

He had pushed himself to his limit to spare her.

I ran in with Magire. They young medic knew what to do. He gave Sempai a heavy chakra boost in hope that his body would accept it.

I went for the girl. I couldn't stop Tiger from torturing Sempai, but I could make sure they would not torture the girl again.

When I touched her wrist she sat straight up and breathed heavily. She looked around, disoriented. The illusion she went though must have been fairly strong to have that effect on her.

"You will be alright now. I am here on the Hokage's orders."

She looked at herself, surprised. I could see she started to understand what had happened... and what had not.

Then, she looked at Sempai. He was curled onto himself, his hand twisted in the fabric of her coat, hanging on to it desperately. She made a sad smile. She knew he wasn't a mean person, she knew he didn't deserve to be subjected to all this.

She bent over him and gently caressed his hair.

I could see Hiroki doing that for him with that exact same caring and compassion in her eyes. I couldn't help but hope he would get a taste of that someday. He deserved it.

Unfortunately, I had to move her out fast.

I offered her my hand. She seemed hesitant, it was obvious she didn't want to leave Sempai behind. I wondered what he had done to her with the sharingan...

"He'll be alright," I said. "I'll take care of him but now we need to get you out of here."

She slipped out of her coat and followed me.

While Magire was still trying to heal Sempai, I wrote a note for the Hokage.

The girl looked through the glass window absentmindedly hugging herself with frail arms.

"What is your name?" I asked, trying yo make a bit of conversation.

"I am Keiko, I'm from Shimogo."

"Shimogo? Still living there?"

She nodded.

"Tenzō!" Tiger's voice was rough and loud, almost like a growl. "What do you thing you'll be doing with her?"

Hearing Tiger's voice, Keiko backed a few steps until she was standing beside me. She hadn't volunteered for this, her fear had been real.

"What do you think _YOU_ were doing Tiger!?" I replied.

"I am taking her back." He came toward us. The girl stepped even closer to me.

"If all is in order, then the Hokage will kindly return her to you after her interrogation... but I highly doubt it will be the case."

Tiger let out a grunt and went out. I was happy I got rid of him, but I just hoped this small altercation wouldn't push Tiger to seek revenge on Sempai.

As soon as Magire finished his work, I sent him to Tsunade with the girl. I wouldn't make any friends in ANBU on that one but, like Sempai, I was strong enough to fend for myself.

Kakashi: The Vision

I was happy they didn't know about Iruka.

If they used Hiroki so efficiently against me, what would they have done knowing how much I loved him?

Still, after what happened in the last few hours, the question was there. What did I expect from Hiroki? Why was I so possessive of her? Why did I feel a sting in my heart when I thought about what would lie ahead for us?

I loved Naruto and Sakura, they were almost like my children... but there was something to Hiroki that felt different. I saw her neither as a lover nor as a child. She wasn't a mere friend either. She was something in between. Her presence in my house, although I avoided it at times, it just felt right. It filled a hole inside of me. It forced be to be human. She was healing me in a way that was different from the way Iruka healed me. Taking care of her had been like taking care of Tenzō at the beginning… but now it clearly had become something more...

I opened my eyes. Another nightmare would begin.

"Kakashi? Are you awake?"

I knew the voice, it was Hiroki. No, it couldn't. This time, there was no mistaking, it wasn't someone dressed as her, it wasn't even her, it couldn't be anything else than an illusion. But here she was, kneeling beside me. I should just have dispelled her, but seeing her felt so nice. Would I even be able to see her like this if I'd ever get out of here alive?

There was a low banging sound coming from the mirror. It had a rhythm to it...

Hiroki was smiling taking my attention away from the noise.

"I'm glad," she said. "The girl from before... she will be alright."

She looked up at the mirror.

"Also, 28 hours have passed. More than halfway through."

I looked at her, intrigued.

"How d'you know?" I was fully aware that she was only a creation of my weakened mind but I still asked.

"It's Tenzō, he's the one tapping."

"You don't even know him," I replied, not sure if I was accusing her or my mind for fabricating such an inconsistent representation.

"You're right. I don't know him. But you do, right?"

I had nothing to answer to that.

She stared at me and frowned a little.

"They went quite hard on you... You don't look so good."

She was concerned but wasn't sad. She was totally oblivious to the horrors of the place, just like she was in the dark fortress where we met. A ray of hope, stronger than the sun itself, that is what she meant to me at a time like this. Tiger appeared behind her.

"So, what are you dreaming about now, Kakashi? It's her, right? What will you two do together? Live happily ever after?" he laughed. "Since when have you lost all reason?"

I did not answer him my gaze fixated on the fake image of Hiroki that existed only for me.

"Well, that is annoying. Now, you won't even give me your full attention." He took out his katana and thrust the blade into her. I was stunned as I saw the sharp blade creating a splash of blood on the floor. He pulled the blade out of her body. Hiroki held her hand to her chest, where the weapon has transpierced her and hunched over holding herself up with her free hand. Blood was dropping from her mouth. She looked surprised. I watched her in panic while Tiger laughed evilly. I tried to catch her as she fell on her side but didn't have the strength to do it.

Rage and pain filled me completely. I tried to move toward Tiger knowing I was in no shape to be able to kill him. It didn't matter. Even if I could just bite a finger off his hand it would be better than not avenging her at all... but Hiroki spoke to me again.

"Kakashi... don't let him have his way with you, I am just an image... living in your mind..."

Her eyes closed.

Despite the panic I was in, her image had still tried to protect me and bring back some rationality to my delirium. Yet, it was too late, I was already broken. I let it all out and cried.

Tiger had what he wanted and he looked at me enjoying every second of it. I had finally collapsed in front of him.

"You are not an ANBU anymore but you are still a shinobi from Konoha... and not the least of them! You have always annoyed me but I respected your strength, your ruthlessness. Now look at what you have become, you are just an egocentric baby!"

He kicked her lifeless body. It wasn't real but I couldn't help but let out a plaintive whimper. I had to dispel the illusion. I couldn't let something like that get to me. She was safe; Tsunade and Iruka watched over her...

"Look at her Kakashi!" Tiger's deep voice got my attention again. "Look at her while you can... because they won't let her get that close to you anymore. They all know you'll put everyone else in danger for her. I am sure Tsunade tried to make you believe that all would be fine, but she just wanted to spare you before you went through all of this."

I wanted to fight, to argue with him but I knew he was right. That didn't keep me from clenching my teeth and let the little chakra I still possessed flare angrily but Tiger wasn't impressed, he just continued:

"Tsunade agrees with Danzō sama, they should just send her away from you before you lose control again. You'll see, it's going to be really subtle... you won't even see it happen. They'll use one pretext, then another and then she won't even look at you anymore. She is an Uchiha. The elders are already discussing about marrying her into a loyal family and produce small docile Uchiha children. Neji would make a nice cross-over don't you think? So loyal he could die at the single thought of betrayal and with a bloodline limit of his own. Or what about with the little Nara? The children wouldn't be as powerful, but the boy is way too lazy to rebel against anything... but the elders could be even greedier... Danzō doesn't have a wife and has a family line to perpetuate... There is no way in the world they would leave her to someone like you."

I saw his point. I had thought about this myself. She was from a nearly extinct bloodline limit and had no memory of all the carnage that happened. She couldn't pass on the hatred. She was perfect for such a project... that is, if I wasn't around to make her aware of her dark familial history. They wanted to use her in a way or another. At least I knew Tsunade would want to fight for her freedom. She might not be able to actually do it but she would try!

Tiger turned his back to me, signifying me that, in my condition, I wasn't even a threat to him. It wasn't as if I could prove him wrong. I could barely sit... I couldn't even reply to him properly!

...and even once I got out of here. I wasn't ANBU material anymore. I had the training which I had used to go through most of the torture but my body was weak, my mind was weak. Even after I recovered, Tiger would probably best me now, he was already doing it. He took a deep breath feigning boredom.

"Anyway, even if they don't force her to marry, you'll always be off-limits. You are a bad influence on her, you shouldn't even teach her... but I guess that won't really matter in a year or two. Even if Tsunade's resolve weakens, there are so many strong and young shinobi and your time is almost over. You'll watch her date boys, fall in love and, if you are lucky enough, you might have the chance to give her away on her wedding day. We, old shinobi, just disappear quietly into the background."

My mind was getting hazy; my head was spinning. Tiger walked back toward me but still looked away.

"Yes, disappearing... You know what, Kakashi? They asked me to retire a few months ago. Yep, we're almost the same age... At first, I was insulted, but now I am going with it and slowly leaving my duties. You know why? It's because that's what we do at our age! It's that or we die. Your best years are behind now. You would never have collapsed like that when you were in ANBU. Look at your genin, Hatake. They are almost adults. And how many teams did you have in ANBU before that? Time flies by quickly, isn't it? That's it, maybe you are just waiting to die. That's why you got caught with you genin twice in such a short time... you are here just because that girl who has practically no training saved you..."

He knew nothing of the missions as such. No jōnin sensei would have been able to do more than what I had done. If I wouldn't have cared about my genin, I could have made my way out of these situations quite easily but they meant everything to me and this was something an ANBU like Tiger would never understand.

"She's a nice kid for sure, but, frankly, she is not worth ending your career over her. My duty to Konoha should just be to brainwash you, make you forget about her so you are fit for duty. Maybe like that, you'll be able to go on for a few useful years still before dying on the battlefield... Sharingan no Kakashi."

He said that on such a condescending tone! My eyes narrowed. I tried to get up but I never saw the medic behind me who injected yet another drug in my arm. I fell back on the ground feeling a stinging sensation in my veins. I gasped. My body went rigid. What had they given me again?

"Think through all of this, will you?" Tiger said disregarding my pain. "When you'll wake up again, I'll have some nice images to share with you. You know we caught a few guards from the Citadel?"

Tenzō: The telepath

After the injection Sempai's body tensed suddenly. I was shocked but Magire put his hand on my arm.

"They overestimated the dosage but he'll be okay, Taichō. If anything this might be good for him. He'll probably sleep longer."

It took a few minutes before all of Sempai's muscles relaxed and saliva dripped from his half-opened mouth. He had fallen into a deep sleep.

Since the start of this second day, the rules had changed. Magire only did superficial healing or healed Sempai's self-inflicted wounds because those were the only wounds he could treat. They had stopped injuring his body but I knew what they were aiming for. They wanted to destroy his soul.

The Citadel. After Sempai's return, it was ANBU who took the case. I had a good idea of what had happened there and although I heard about some nasty anecdotes surrounding Hiroki's treatment, I hadn't thought wise to share them with Sempai. All had been going so well since she arrived in Konoha that I thought that disclosing the information would probably do more harm than good.

Since the day she had been taken in by her master, she had been slowly destroyed by every man that surrounded her but she never yielded. She just became less and less human with every passing year. She had been beaten up within an inch of her life more than once, had endured unbearable treatments and even been raped quite a few times... until her body became so disgustingly ugly from the leaking pus and deformities that she was left alone to do her work. All those things didn't show when one looked at her round face and soft smile but I knew listening to Tsunade that she still carried some nasty scars. I doubted Sempai ever discussed her past with her. What was done was done and he concentrated only on the fixing.

After a while men came into the room. They took Sempai's body and tied him up on a chair. I wondered if it wasn't more to prevent him from falling off than because he posed a real threat. His soiled grey hair fell over his eyes but I could see the abused face behind, the swollen eyes and what looked like a broken nose. I couldn't wait for this to be over and know he'd finally be safe.

A telepath came in and sat in front of Sempai. As Magire has predicted, Sempai didn't wake up. They had to give him another injection to bring him back. The telepath put his hand on Sempai's forehead and both men's eyes closed.

I didn't know exactly what he showed to him but I knew it must have been unbearable to watch. Sempai had come to admire his new genin so much that seeing her mistreated like that must have been the end of him. He could do nothing, just watch and learn what had been the previous life of his protégé. I don't know if Hiroki's treatment was as unbearable but I heard that the ANBU T&I had cringed from what they saw in the prisoners' minds. At some point, Sempai tried to turn his head away but the telepath held it firmly between his hands forcing him to see one unwanted image after the other. He would miss nothing. Soon, tears ran from his eyes and fell on his heaving chest. This lasted for hours in a terrible silence. Yes, the tears fell, but there wasn't a sob nor a whimper, only the creaking of the wooden chairs as the telepath tightened his grip.

After the session ended, I went to Sempai not really knowing what kind of comfort I could bring, but hoping still. When I tried to examine him, he pushed my arm and turned away... this was bad. He was losing it... but that had been Danzō's aim since the start. I quickly checked him. His body seemed fine. There wasn't much more I could do. I was ready to go but I saw something in his fist. Something he held on so tightly that they hadn't been able to force it away from him... it was a scrap of Hiroki's coat.

"Thirty-six," I said as I went away.

They were giving him some time alone. They wanted him to think but Sempai mainly used it to sleep. If he could, he wouldn't give himself the permission to think until he was alone in one of his safe places. So he lied down in a corner and closed his eyes.

Tiger entered the room.

"Wake up!" He said kicking in Sempai's ribs. Sempai rose, a bit more easily than the previous times.

Tiger enjoyed toying with people and finally getting to do it with Sempai seemed to be like pure bliss to him.

"So, how were the movies?"

"You jerk!" Sempai said with anger in his eyes but there was no conviction in his voice, no strength.

"Everything you saw, I saw too. I chose the best moments for you, Kakashi. In fact, I watched those memories a couple of times. She's kind of pretty... and fierce! I understand why they liked her back there..."

Tiger smiled and closed his eyes recalling the images in his mind.

"In fact, I am a bit jealous that you had her under your roof for so long. I would certainly have done something to her... Well, I guess for someone like you, seeing all of this is a bit of a mood killer. Will you be able to put your hand in her hair like you do so often without seeing their dirty rapist hands caressing her head? Next time you'll pull her against you to protect her, will you be able to forget that all the other men who had held her so close were naked and made her scream in pain? I don't think you will... It's not like you to forget. Will you still be able to take care of her?"

Tiger went on instinct. He was just saying anything that could possibly annoy Sempai. He went on:

"Her first time, she had been so young, so tight! She had been so lovely with the flowers in her hair... and the blood... so much blood... everywhere!"

Sempai's muscles twitched. He wasn't easy to get into that kind of mood nowadays but seeing him like that reminded me of when I first met Hound. He was impetuous... and a quick killer! Behind his half-opened eyelid, I could see the mangekyo sharingan spinning...

He wouldn't be able to use it, drugged as he was, but he clearly had the intention to kill given the opportunity.

"Right, come at me," Tiger said, taunting him. "You've been waiting to do that for a while now. I'll give you what you want. Avenge her if you can!"

Kakashi laboriously got on his feet. He was hunched forward, barely standing but still mightily dangerous. In my point of view, Tiger had done a stupid act of bravado. Kakashi was thinking but looked confused by the loads of drugs used on him. He was still gathering himself fairly well considering the situation. A chidori was forming in his weak hand, he was truly contemplating a fight. Tiger took a simple wooden sword and waited. Sempai was wobbling but he had regained some of his snarkiness.

"With what you did to me, if you want to fight, Tiger, you'll have to come at me," he said with the characteristic sarcastic tone I knew only too well.

"I'll give you a hand then," replied Tiger walking toward him.

As the ANBU leader got closer, Kakashi moved toward him as if he wanted to stick his chidori in the man's chest but was still gauging the distance Tiger laughed at the attempt and walked closer, ready to knock him away as soon as he tried. However, a figure jumped in Tiger's back. Sempai's shadow clone was attempting to hit his face with a hard blow from his elbow. Tiger quickly moved to avoid it which led him dangerously closer to Sempai's chidori. It was the opportunity he had been waiting for and Sempai threw his arm toward Tiger. Sempai was too slow and his attack burnt Tiger's flank but it was nothing the ANBU leader couldn't deal with. Enraged, Tiger followed the movement landing behind Sempai twisting his arm in his back and pulling him by the hair.

"A shadow clone... I didn't know you still had that in you!... but you're too _slow_ ," he said putting an emphasis on the last word. "Tell me Kakashi, what happened to Hound? What happened to the ANBU who would withstand days of tortures without even blinking? Where the hell has he gone? You can't even fight properly after a few hours!" He pushed him away.

"Let's do this again!"

Kakashi: Ending it

He was right, with Tenzō's help I had counted the hours. The ninth visit had passed which meant that we were around 36 to 37 hours. My body and my mind were not just weakened, they were nearly destroyed. He had me playing in the palm of his hands. I was totally aware of it but still wouldn't quit. I wanted revenge, I wanted it so much. I got back on my feet once again. Next time, I would get him. I knew I could. As my body processed the drugs, I gained a bit of speed. I felt I had some extra after every move but I did not push it. I would create a rhythm that would make him believe I was still slow. This would be an intentionally monotonous fight until I got that unavoidable opening. As a failed to land a left punch, I purposely got off-balanced. I knew he was toying with me barely avoiding me each time to force me to build up rage. I went with him and faked it. After a time, I got it. I was so close to him and he was stuck between me and a wall. He had no escape. I. Threw my last chidori with everything I had but my hand stopped before I reached him.

I froze there.

 _Hiroki!_

She was standing between us, just like Rin. She had taken the full blow of my chidori and now there was a large hole in her chest. Her eyes were wide from the shock. She held my wrist as the chidori faded between us. I fell on my knees whimpering.

Slowly, the image faded.

I heard Tiger's voice.

"Thank you Ikubo, that was a close one." Tiger left, laughing.

He had won again.

I was unable to protect her... and now even someone like Tiger could beat me easily. I stayed there sitting on my ankles. It was the first time I had managed to do that after a session. I waited for Tenzō and Magire to check on me and I moved away.

Later, men came in and beat me just as they had done at the very beginning but I was out of it. I had known all along that the reason I had been willing to undergo all of this was for Hiroki and I hadn't changed my mind. All of this wasn't needless... but my return was.

I had expected to see her cheering at me when I came back, for us to be together every day while I would teach her so many things. I expected us to bound in some new ways and, deep inside of me, despite my unwillingness to admit it to myself, I hoped for something more... something Tiger had shown me could never happen.

He said all of it just to make me suffer but he was still right.

What kind of idealist was I to believe we could escape from the claws of the military organisation that was Konoha? All we lived was only an illusion of freedom. Tsunade had already let it slip: Hiroki and I wouldn't live together anymore. Our relation from now on would only be professional... if they even allowed me that much.

The irony of it was that everyone knew how strongly I felt for her, how much I cared. Everyone knew... but Hiroki never would. It was too late now.

It was over...

I felt the bones in my back break. My shoulder flung out of its socket.

Finally, everything stopped.

I heard someone speaking in the distance

"Stop! We are losing him!"

I felt so much pain that I smiled at those words.

As I laid on the ground, broken beyond repair, Tiger walked toward me. Someone brought him a chair. He sat at the very tip of it, bent down and looking at me.

"Well, what are we going to do with you if you don't withstand torture anymore?" He sighed.

I slowly turned on my back so that it would be less painful to speak. I wanted to speak.

"Kill me," I said.

"C'mon Kakashi! Are you really telling me you can't stand the pain anymore and ask for my clemency to end your days!"

I rasped. It wasn't his torture I wanted to avoid, but the torture that would be the real life that awaited me outside.

"K... Kill me!"

I wanted it. There was no way I would be able to live on in all this pain.

"Kakashi, what's happening with you? I thought you were a proud shinobi, endure it!"

He spoke to me as he did in the old days. Before he became arrogant and self-sufficient.

"Tiger, I am not asking you to end my physical pain, from my calculations, there is a bit less than five or six hours remaining. I would have asked for that way sooner..."

He was surprised, even confused.

"So you knew all along?"

"Keeping track of time is a basic way to remain sane," I answered my voice weak but emotionless. "I expected to be punished by death for this. What I did is high treason..."

He considered the situation.

"Yes, it was... and wasn't in a way."

"Tiger, if you promise me to leave Hiroki alone, you can kill me. I know you had wanted to do this so badly when I was in ANBU. Now is your chance. I am truly ok with this."

"So you like her that much..." he said, his tone becoming almost paternal. "Then I owe you an apology..."

Tenzō: Nothing left

It was a fascinating turn of event, Tiger taking pity on Sempai. He had totally broken the infamous jōnin, he had won... but that victory brought him no pleasure. He exhaled slowly and knelt beside him.

"Kakashi," he took a paternal tone again, "I cannot relieve you from what is waiting for you outside. You will have to face it... that's what we do." Sempai looked at him pained at the idea that he wouldn't even be given that much. Tiger got up. "I wanted you to suffer so I could have the joy of refusing your death, but now I find it sad that I cannot give it to you... Tsunade's orders..." he made a few steps to exit and turned back. "I hold no more hard feelings toward you Kakashi, you gave gained my respect. Good luck."

As Tiger left, he gestured to me.

"Tenzō, ask Magire to put him on some drugs and put him on a bed until it's time to release him."

"Yes, Tiger sama."

With that, he went away.


	22. Chapter 22: Tsunade: Recovery

Thanks so much to TheReddQueen for pointing out the weird formatting!

It's fixed now :o)

 **Chapter 22: Tsunade: Recovery**

The brat was alive; it was at least that. He had made it through after all.

I had a good idea of what had happened but I was still shocked when I saw him. They had done a nasty job. It wouldn't leave a scar but, at first glance, the internal injuries looked severe.

Tenzō was standing beside me in his jōnin clothing. He was looking at Kakashi with a different type of concern on his face.

"Thank you Yamato," I said carefully looking for any change in the ANBU's expression. "Thank you for looking after Kakashi and the girl…"

"It was my duty," he replied simply.

I knew it had been hard for him. Tenzō wasn't very expressive but the signs I read on his body were far worse than simple exhaustion. Whenever he unclenched his right fist, his hand shook a little, so he clenched it back. His lips were thinner than usual and his upper back was bent forward, not much but just this tiny amount that betrayed his concern for the jōnin lying in bed in front of him.

Tenzō had written a brief summary of what they had done to him and sent me the medic who had performed the complex chakra enhancing procedure on Kakashi. It was a very interesting prowess and I made sure I kept contact with that particular ANBU.

The simple fact that they had attempted such a complex surgery on him meant that they had never planned to kill him. The ravage was there but they knew what they were doing. They had done some research on Magire's abilities and never went further than what he could heal. Tenzō arrived at the same conclusions but he was still worried.

"His body can be cured with the standard care but there is something that preoccupies me, Tsunade sama."

He stopped there looking at the open door behind us. I understood. He had things to say that couldn't be shared in the open. I closed the door to give us some privacy.

He inhaled slowly. The subject he wanted to bring forward was by no mean an easy one but Tenzō was a pragmatic man, he knew his emotions were irrelevant now.

"Sempai… He asked for death a few hours before his release…"

"What?" I was stunned. It was so unlike him… and why was he not dead then? "What happened?"

"Tiger broke him to the point he had to stop the torture before its end time."

This was worse than I had thought. I knew he would be emotionally maimed but asking for death was beyond all I could have imagined.

Tenzō looked down seeming to remember the events that had lead to Kakashi's collapse.

"It's about Hiroki. Tiger showed Sempai what we found out while investigating the Citadel. It… it wasn't pretty… and somehow Sempai let Tiger used that against him. He let him in…"

Tenzō had finally put his hands in his pockets, his slouch strangely mimicking that of his ex-captain. His eyes closed.

"I don't know how he will react next time he sees Hiroki. Honestly, with what I saw, I don't know if it is wise to keep her in his team."

That was something I hoped I wouldn't hear. I made the promise to Kakashi that I wouldn't remove Hiroki from Team 7 so she could remain with Sakura and Naruto but taking away Kakashi's genin team at this point would only bring him closer to the breaking point… if he hadn't reached it already.

"If… if I can be of any help, if you think I can give you some insights that might be useful, please don't hesitate to call on me."

I was both glad and sad that I had chosen Tenzō for this dirty job. No one could have done it as well as him but I knew he did not get out of it unscathed.

"I will Yamato," I replied. "Thank you again for all you have done. Take some time for yourself and I'll be there too if there is anything I can do."

"Thank you." He went out and closed the door behind him.

I looked at the body lying on the bed.

My fiercest jōnin looked like a broken boy. I pulled down his mask to let him breathe a little better. He said he didn't feel the difference but I couldn't see how this could be the case. Even as he slept, tears were running from his eyes, clear on the right side and bloodied on the left. I looked at his file, with what they had injected him, he could still support some tranquillizers. I gave him a shot right beside his old ANBU tattoo.

 _What did Tiger tell you Kakashi…_

I examined his body and started to heal him. Magire had done a good job. There were still some unfixed injuries but the ANBU had to manage his chakra. Who knew when something really life-threatening would happen? I had finished the healing and waited for Kakashi to wake up. The brat should have woken up long ago. I should have gotten back to my office but I didn't want him to be alone or with someone else when he regained consciousness, so I stayed there and filled some paperwork while sipping some sake.

After a while, I heard the sheets rustle, his eyes opened.

"Welcome back _dearest_ brat," I said testing his mood.

"Tsunade…" His voice was dry. It was as if he had just woken up from a hundred years' coma.

"You are back and alive. You'll be able to leave the hospital soon but I'll give you at least a few weeks before you teach again and two to three months before I send you on missions."

He made a vague smile and then looked at the window gauging what time it was.

"It's 1 PM. You've been here for about 5 hours."

I looked at his reactions carefully while he was still unmasked. He did not look back.

I sat beside him.

"Can I help you in any way?"

He looked lost as if he were still in another world.

"It's fine Tsunade, I just need some time to get back to my senses."

He wasn't his usual self but who would be...

"Kakashi, you look awful. You don't have to tell me what happened there but if you ever need… that or anything else, you can ask me…"

He stayed silent. It was distressing to see him so unresponsive. Even in his bored eye, one could sense a presence but today his eye was vacant as if he were trying not to remember. I kept to mundane things hoping it would help him return.

"Hiroki is sleeping at Iruka's house tonight; I'll tell her she can come tomorr..."

His whole body crisped.

"No," he barked at me. "Tell her I'm alright."

"Come on Kakashi, she has seen you in a worse state than this…"

"You told me I could ask anything." He said annoyed.

Giving him time would only make it harder for him. He had to see her no matter what he thought about it. If I let him have his way now, he could very well decide to never face her again.

I didn't want that to happen.

She was certainly bringing him as much as he brought her. It was bumpy and rough but he was changing. Since she had come into his life, he was forced to face his demons, to question his beliefs and rethink some of his values. His genin team had already done that for him but he still hid behind his bored attitude. Hiroki was reaching at something inside of him that he both craved and feared and was slowly pulling a part of his humanity at the surface. Tenzō wasn't certain they should be together but he wasn't seeing the situation in the long term. Sometimes healing hurts more than the wound itself…

"In that case…" I said in my most authoritative tone, "she's part of the treatment!"

His eyes narrowed.

"You need her Kakashi, let her help you."

He was defeated. He put his mask back on and turned away.

"I guess I have no choice then," he replied, bitter.

"You don't."

::

I came back to my office and poured myself another cup of sake.

I was worried.

Kakashi wasn't just one of my strongest shinobi or one of my most loyal, he was like one of my children. I had seen transform from a haughty annoying brat who cared only about himself and the ninja code into a clever and warm-hearted idealist. Despite his harsh youth, he wasn't cynical like I was, he truly believed in what he fought for and never bragged or took credit for anything, he just got things done.

This was incredibly inspiring to me.

Of course, I acted as if his antics always enraged me but they truly didn't. I always understood his motives and they always been good ones to me.

During his life, his soul had oscillated between a fierce need to protect others and the need to protect himself by keeping everyone else at bay. Since his genin team, he had been in this first phase and even more stubbornly so since Hiroki. He had been willing to throw everything away to make sure she was safe and had done the same thing without hesitation for all those he cared about… Naruto, Sakura, and of course, Iruka… but now he didn't want to see Hiroki anymore. This was a bad sign, a very bad one. Would it be only with her or will he decide to close up completely like he had done in the past?

I still had to understand what happened during those 48 hours but I could already see that it would leave deep scars on him. Like his physical scars, he would be able to hide them fairly well but they would remain there.

The only thing I could do for him is to make certain he had all the right people by his side.

::

 **I know, the chapter is short and not super satisfying but I have so much writing to do and for so many other things! Still a week to go and it'll get back to normal again. I can't wait!**

 **Thanks for keeping up!**


	23. Chapter 23: Hiroki: Small Death

**Chapter 23: Hiroki: Small Death**

It felt as if, for a second, my whole world was crumbling down.

There was no reason for this. Kakashi had come back from his mission, badly wounded, but alive. I knew he was a shinobi, I knew he could die anytime, but it was the first time I realised it could happen so suddenly.

When Iruka received the scroll from the ANBU and read it, when his expression darkened a little and he looked away for just a few second too long before biting his lower lip, I knew without him having to tell me anything that something had gone wrong… no, not wrong, I just knew something hadn't been right with this mission from the start. Iruka had forced a smile on his face but there was nothing that could erase the worry in his eyes.

I had been lucky. Kakashi had only been seriously wounded twice and both times he had been able to get back to Konoha on his feet. Even when he returned from his solo mission, he rarely had more than a few scratches. If it ever got to it, if one day he wasn't to come back…

I just couldn't even start to contemplate a life without him to guide and protect me…

Iruka kept me with him. I helped him around the class, then with corrections… It's only late in the day that we were finally allowed to visit.

There was almost no one at the hospital. Tsunade showed us the way and opened the door for me.

Hesitantly, I entered the room.

He didn't look that bad. He was fast asleep. His right arm was bluish and had probably been dislocated at some point, there was also a few drops of blood near his left eye and a bad cut on his nose but the rest seemed fine. He looked calm, peaceful. His chest slowly rose with his breath. I didn't want to wake him up.

Tsunade came in behind me.

"You won't tell him you are here?" she said, the curiosity obvious in her voice. "If you won't, I will!"

She walked to the side, the sound of her high heels echoing on the clean hospital floor. She started to shout:

"Kakashi! Wake up! You have visitors!"

Kakashi gasped and opened his eyes, clearly disoriented, then quickly assessed his surroundings. As suddenly as she had come in, Tsunade left, closing the door behind her.

Kakashi looked at me.

His expression was terrifying. I had never seen him that way. His eyes narrowed creating a deep crease between his brows. It was as if he was gauging me, coldly evaluating me. His gaze had lost all its warmth. His right eye was red and swollen – as if he had been crying a short while ago but had ran out of tears – while the fierce sharingan burned intensely on the left side.

"Kakashi? Are you okay?"

He closed his eye, as if I was just annoying him, then looked away. There was a scorching rage inside of him. He was nothing like the man I knew.

I felt a sharp pang of pain in my chest but tried to hide it.

"Kakashi? What happened?"

He looked at the closed door angrily as if silently cursing Tsunade.

I didn't know what to do. I felt the tears ready to spill and raised my hands to my mouth to hide my pain from him…

His eyes widened and became softer. Without saying a word, he pulled on my right arm and took my hand in his. They were still covered with the bandages I had before he left. My chakra pathways hadn't completely healed yet. He lightly touched the white fabric, sensing for chakra under it.

"Does it still hurt?" He said still not looking at me, turning my hand around to see the inside of my forearm. His pale fingers carefully touched the palm of my hand going down toward my elbow. He took my left arm and did the same thing.

I looked at him, completely stunned.

I couldn't recognise him. If his annoyance had been shocking, this too soft caring was also out of tone for him.

His expression was strange. I couldn't say it was exactly tenderness although I could see some of it there. There was something animalistic in him but not in a sexual way. It was a mix of alertness, suspicion, curiosity and… concern?

Over the time we spent together, I had seen sides of him that most people hadn't. On our very first encounter, in that dirty prison cell, his walls had been down and I had been upset to see the gap between how he had been back there and how he behaved among the people of his own village… but this side of him – if it was even him – was something totally foreign… and broken.

My hand started to shake in his. It was too much for me to take in.

He grabbed my other hand and brought them closer to him, squeezing them gently.

He looked up.

"It was a hard mission, Hiroki chan… a very hard one."

Chan? Where did that suffix come from? He had never used that with me before.

"I had seen and done things…"

I nodded. I saw the relief on his face. He was grateful. He truly didn't want to bring back the memories of them. I could tell.

His hand rose with a slight quiver and rested on my head.

It was warm.

It was Kakashi's.

"Don't worry, Hiroki. It was hard but I'll get over it. Just give me some time."

He looked away from me, the pain obvious in his eyes, but this already felt better.

When I exited the room, Iruka was there. He had let me in first but I could tell he wanted to see Kakashi just as badly as I did. Seeing my dark expression, he put a hand on my shoulder.

"We'll get him out of there, Hiroki. He'll come back to us…" I looked at him, surprised. "It'll be alright. Kakashi often gets involved the worse missions and takes the damage for others. That's who he is." He lightly tapped on my shoulder, a bitter smile on his lips. "Now, Tsunade would like to talk to you. Go!"

My chest ached. It was supposed to be a quick mission, an easly one…

The man who came back wasn't the man who left me with a smile. He wasn't the sensei or the man I had met at the Citadel. He was someone I didn't know... and it scared me.

The guards at Tsunade's door let me in. I walked to her desk full of rage and fear.

"Tsunade sama, what happened to him? What kind of mission was that?" I said barely able to keep the tears in.

Tsunade sighed.

"Sit down Hiroki," she said gesturing for the chair beside me. It just made the anxiety inside of me rise a notch.

"Tsunade sama, I need to know! What happened?!"

Tsunade didn't have much patience. She closed her eyes and rose her voice.

" ." she said.

I obliged.

"I don't know all that happened to him yet. I need his report and that will come later…"

This didn't calm down the sense of urgency I felt inside...

"But… but, I have seen him endure unspeakable things on missions and never had he looked like that. Something must have happened to him…"

"Something like what?" she said annoyed.

"I… don't know," I said defeated.

"Have you vented enough now?" she replied.

I looked down.

"Hiroki," her tone was clearly like that of a mother scolding a child, "Kakashi is first and foremost a shinobi of Konoha. He was sent to do his duty and that's it. I don't want you to EVER question that!"

I nodded. Satisfied, she continued:

"If I ask him to fight, he fights. If I ask him to give up his life for this village, he goes and dies. That's what being a shinobi is. Do you understand that?"

"Yes, Tsunade sama."

"You understand that it's something that is expected of ALL shinobi, including you Hiroki?"

"Yes… Tsunade sama."

"Now that we are on the same page, know that I would never send someone like Kakashi on that kind of mission unless it's totally necessary, he is way too valuable for that, but in this case, there was no other alternative."

"I… understand."

"I swear, you two are so alike!" she let out while rubbing her temples. She thought for a while then looked at me again.

"Ok, Hiroki. Listen to me. Iruka has always known how to put Kakashi back together, he knows him more than anyone else in this village. He will take care of Kakashi while he recovers. I want you to trust him and accept anything he tells you without any question. Is that clear?"

I nodded.

"Good. Now, go tell Naruto and Sakura what happened. Tonight, he'll need to rest but they'll be able to see him tomorrow once he moves in with Iruka."

She had allowed me to see him before everyone else. She had been severe with me but she understood how I felt. The realisation of it made me look down in shame. I guess that's why she was the Hokage. It was because she could read those things...

"Hiroki, you are dismissed."

There was a knowing smile on her face.

::

 _ **Hi everyone!**_

 _ **I am unexpectedly getting kidnapped for a week. I'll bring my laptop but I don't think I'll have any internet access there. I'll post whatever I will have written when I'll come back :o)**_

 _ **Also, sorry for another very short chapter but I really wanted to at least give you guys a little something to read before I go!**_

 _ **See you soon!**_

 _ **-Ema**_


	24. Chapter 24: Kakashi: Invisible Wounds 1

_I'm back :o) !_

 _It was an interesting week. I went to a really strange place where I heard stunning life stories that are putting all of us fiction writers to shame. Life can be seriously twisted sometimes!_

 _I didn't write a lot per see but I cleaned and reworked a lot of the scenario, so it was really worth it!_

 _I thought the story would lighten up a bit at this point but that will have to wait for a few chapters still... sorry!_

::

 **Chapter 24: Kakashi: Invisible Wounds 1**

As soon as Hiroki left, Iruka came in. His soft brown eyes looked at me carefully, taking in all the new injuries I had suffered both physically and mentally. He looked hesitant but there was still a strong resolve in his attitude. Iruka knew why he was there and he would not let me drown in my self-dejecting thoughts. He wanted to reprogram me just as much as Tiger had, except he wanted me to be my old self again… The one that cared for him, Naruto, Sakura but also for Hiroki. But did _I_ really want that? After all, I killed and acted like a mad man because of her. Where would that lead me? Did I need to go back or did I just need to let it heal and accept that this wasn't meant to be? The second option seemed way more logical but I knew from what he had said in the hallway and by looking at his body language that Iruka totally disagreed.

"Kakashi…" he said, sitting beside me, "I have been told it was quite bad…"

I didn't know if it was pity or compassion that I heard in his voice but I didn't want any of it.

"Well," I replied with a sarcastic tone, "it's torture… It's supposed to be bad…"

I should have been relieved to see Iruka. It was always to him that I would go when I needed to be fixed, it was always his presence I sought… but I wasn't myself. I knew it. He tried to comfort me by putting his hand over mine but I pulled away before we even touched.

His eyes widened slightly. There was an obvious sadness in them.

"You worry me," he said softly, so softly it was almost a whisper.

I didn't feel like explaining it all to him. I just wanted to be left alone. Why couldn't he do that? I deserved it! Didn't I bring all of this on us? My right hand, the one away from him, clenched in irritation, hidden in the white hospital sheets. My whole body wanted to push him away. My muscles tensed but the pain reminded me of the injuries that covered my limbs.

I had to calm down. The anger was burning inside me forcing me to see everything in red but Iruka and Hiroki had done nothing wrong… They were just there to see if I was all right; they were here because they cared. I took a breath and raised my eyebrows in an attempt to soften my expression a bit.

"Will you mind if I tell you about how I feel later?" I said on a gentler tone. "I still have to understand it myself."

I felt guilt as I saw his eyes turn toward the ground, full of sorrow.

"Oh… Sorry, Kakashi…" he said softly.

I hated that. I hated that despite the fact I was the one who went through hell and back, I still had to be strong for them… but I also hated the fact that I resented them for it. I was mad at myself.

"I guess all of this can wait," Iruka said trying to hide behind an uneasy smile. "We'll spend quite some time together. Tsunade told me to bring you to my home and look after you. Hiroki could take care of you fairly well I am sure, but Tsunade felt that it might be preferable to put you in the care of someone who knows how to handle you."

Tsunade was right, I needed Iruka. No matter how much I wanted to hide from everything right now, I had to get over it. Iruka's common sense and discipline were what had helped me stay sane over the years. He was like the ground under my feet strong and stable… and I badly needed a solid ground to put my feet on if I was to ever get out of this.

"I am sorry to force you into this yet again…" I said as I looked away to avoid his gaze but Iruka knew better. He put his hand on my face and dried a tear with his thumb. He came closer to me.

"Kakashi, I love you, Tsunade loves you, your pupils love you and Hiroki… well, you don't need to be told. No matter what they said to you, no matter what they did, we'll prove them wrong."

He kissed my forehead and went away.

I looked at him go and waited, enjoying the silence of the room.

What was happening with me? Why was I so mad at them? Why the thought of being with Hiroki, of getting back to the life I had with her, made me so furious?

If I was being honest with myself, when Hiroki had come in, so defeated and sad, part of me had wanted to hug her tight, to pull her against me and tell her that all would be fine in the end… but I couldn't. I had felt the blinding pain and seen those sickening images again. I did not forget any of it. I saw the blood over her body, on her face, I heard her muffled cries.

With what I had gone through in the last few days, I knew I couldn't protect her now. I had become complacent and weak.

I had failed to protect her from people like Danzō who lurked in the shadows waiting to take her kekkei genkai away. I no longer could protect her from the elders' will now that I had made a shinobi out of her and, worse, I couldn't even make sure I could protect her from myself anymore. Now that I knew what she had endured, if I'd only but look at her once with that same carnivorous intent I had that night long ago – and Kami knew I still could! – I wouldn't be able to forgive myself, ever!

It was unavoidable, Tsunade would read the reports and know how I had reacted back there and she would just take her away from me… and she would be right! There was no reason for her to be part of my life anymore. She needed to walk her own path. She had adapted to Konoha, made strong friends and Tsunade would always look after her…

Hiroki had to go.

Her love, her care, I had to push that away somehow, to make her see how so much better she would be with others.

I was aware I couldn't control myself around her. Every emotion I had about her rose to the power of a tsunami and washed away all resolve and common sense with it. But, more selfishly, even though I didn't know what they were, I had to admit that I had feelings for her, that I still had some unconscious hope about us, and I knew that seeing the distance growing slowly between her and I would be so, _but so much more_ unbearable than cutting all bridges now and sending her away for good.

Whatever emotion Tiger had unveiled in my heart, I wanted to it seal back… and I couldn't do that with her around.

And there was that insane rage… the blind hatred I harboured inside. At first, I thought it was against Tsunade for shoving Hiroki in my face after plainly telling her how I didn't want her around, but no. The rage was just part of me. It was the rage I had for the death of all those I had loved; it was the frustration I had at the thought of having been duped into loving people around me again.

But there was something even more worrying than that: it was Hound. Hound had definitely come back now and could jump into the front seat whenever the pain was too great for me to bear. I had expected him to do it while I was under torture, which he did, but now he had shown up in front of Hiroki. While I had been so enraged at Tsunade, while I was ready to do anything not to acknowledge Hiroki's presence and what it meant to me, Hound had stepped in and made me snap out of it. It was Hound who had recognised Hiroki's injuries inquired about them. It was Hound who had checked to see the progress in Hiroki's recovery. It was him who had forced me to be nice to her and had called her Hiroki _chan_ …

 _It was him, not me._

I had no clue why Hound liked her so much, why he felt drawn to her that way. It wasn't like him to be interested in people if it wasn't to track or kill them. Hiroki was different to him... but I wouldn't let him have it his way. Maybe Hound had no fear of being broken but I was too much of a coward to do that. I couldn't let her in again.

I felt the pain grow inside and remembered… I remembered the smile of that girl who looked so much like her as I cupped her small breasts in my hand, I remembered being enveloped in Hiroki's sweet scent but soon I also saw the blood flowing out of Hiroki's mouth as my chidori destroyed her heart and lungs and her eyes so wide, wondering why I had done this to her…

It was too much to bear, too much pain. I turned on my side burying my face between my knees as a forlorn whimper escaped from my lips.

::

When Iruka came back, I had calmed down. My injuries were far from fully healed but there was nothing life-threatening. Tsunade made a last check up on me and I was ready to go. Iruka has brought me to his apartment but already my strength was leaving me. I had only sat in the wheelchair for a few minutes and my back was crying in agony. Iruka lost no time and as soon as we arrived he tucked me into his bed with warm blankets and pillows. I regained part of my senses as the pain receded. My body was too exhausted to take any more pain. I just wanted to pass out and sleep forever but something prevented me from doing it.

I smelled her… I first thought that I was getting crazy but no, she had been in Iruka's bed not long ago.

I sat up.

My breath shortened and my eyes narrowed. Adrenalin started to course in my veins as if I was in the middle of a battle. I was angry again. It was an anger I couldn't even understand. I knew Iruka was gay, like _very gay_ , he didn't have that kind of interest for women at all, but still, my hand clawed at the blankets and my mind was overtaken by a blinding rage. Without even intending it I threw a hateful glare at him.

 _No one touches Hiroki!_

The words hadn't come out but the flares in my chakra were serious enough of a warning for Iruka to stand back.

"Don't worry," he said with a hint of exasperation in his voice, "I would never touch her. She's yours!"

"She's not mine!" I barked back.

" _She is_ , Kakashi. No matter how you want to look at her, she is. You brought her back and took her under your wing. She's your student, your friend…"

I did not move but I was certain that my eyes glimmered with a strong killing intent.

…but Iruka was patient and persistent. Carefully, he crawled over me pressing my shoulders back to the bed and raised the bandages that blocked my left eye.

"Look at me, Kakashi. Look INTO me."

I tried to reach at his wrist to flip him over and end it but Iruka knew I would attempt this and crushed my wrists under his knees. He came closer to me, our noses were almost touching.

"Are you so stupid you don't even want to know the truth? Do it! Look!"

As the sharingan span, Iruka's body went limp. I pulled my hands from under him and caught him before he broke eye contact. Soon, I was propelled into his soul.

Hiroki was there, in Iruka's bed, exactly where I had lied. I heard his warm voice in my head. The anger was gone.

"It's funny, no matter what, she would always turn to take that exact spot…" I saw Iruka walk back to his sofa fluffing a pillow under his head before he went to sleep.

His soul was calm, peaceful. I felt myself breathe more easily. His soul was like a tranquil river, refreshing and soothing and I was smoothly sailing over it. Without asking, I just went to see more.

They had been together a lot in the last few days. I saw them laughing as he tried to teach her theories that were way beyond her reach. I saw them smiling and chatting as they ate ramen at Ichiraku, just as Iruka had done with Naruto so many times. I saw Iruka bring her head to his chest in a comforting gesture as Hiroki tried to swallow back the tears when she had learnt I had been so badly wounded. He had reassured her and helped her grow… _the way I should have done_.

It was unambiguous.

The problem wasn't Konoha, it wasn't her or her _with_ me… The problem was just me. I was the one messed up. I was the one who had twisted our relationship to the point I couldn't bear to look at her anymore. Maybe if Iruka could teach me…

The flow of Iruka's thoughts had tamed Hound. He was gone and, for the first time in days, I felt lucid. As I watched more and more of his life, I realised I had crossed the border. He hadn't meant for me to see all of this. He had wanted to show me Hiroki in his bed but I had gone way further than that.

I backed up and broke the sharingan.

"S… Sorry," I said, ashamed of myself, "I didn't mean to intrude like that."

"But it makes you feel better right?"

I looked at him. Had he sensed it or had he guessed?

"Don't worry about it. There is nothing I have to hide from you anyway."

His smile was genuine. How could he be so patient and kind with someone like me? I behaved like an unruly teen with him most of the time. I took his time and energy never giving anything back in exchange. I felt dirty and disgusting beside him but I guess that's what jōnins were supposed to be if they wanted to survive and protect the ones they cared about.

"Thank you… for taking care of Hiroki," I said caressing his soft brown hair.

"My pleasure, really! After all, I promised you I would do it, didn't I?" Iruka raised on his elbows to look at me and pressed his lips to my forehead. His eyes darkened. "But it's not me she really needs and you know it."

I got the allusion but stayed silent about it. I was certain Hiroki didn't need me as much as they all thought. She had friends now… and very good ones.

Iruka pressed his head on my uninjured shoulder.

"Can I sleep here? If it hurts too much I can go back to my sofa."

I circled my arm around his waist and fell asleep immediately.


	25. Chapter 25: Kakashi: Invisible Wounds 2

**Chapter 25: Kakashi: Invisible Wounds 2**

The next day, I was relieved to see that Naruto, Sakura and Hiroki had come together. It made it less difficult to see her, fewer questions to ponder, fewer choices to make. Naruto was always the best clown. Despite the state I was in, he made me laugh and lightened the mood.

"K'kashi sensei!" he said swallowing the syllables in his enthusiasm. "K'kashi sensei! We brought you a gift!"

He gave me a flat box. I carefully unwrapped it. It was a picture of the three of them.

Sakura moved closer.

"We thought you needed an updated picture of Team 7, but we felt it would be too sad to take it with you so ill!" she added with a sweet smile.

Naruto sat on the bed enthusiastically, making me wince from the pain of my injuries.

"We will take another one when you'll come back, you know, but, for now, you can have this one, so you remember to get well fast and train us again! It's a picture of Team 7 on standby!"

"Team 7?" I asked looking at Hiroki.

"Yeah!" Naruto said as he lightly bounced on the bed. "Hiroki had received her permanent assignation to Team 7. She'll follow us in every mission now! Good thing we're getting rid of annoying Sai!"

"Naruto!" Sakura almost yelled, but the blond didn't even stop to apologise.

"You should see the crazy trick she learnt with Tsunade baachan!"

Tsunade had worked a lot in a few days. That official assignation meant that all charges from Danzō were dropped. As for training, it was with Tsunade, and I knew how she could overwork her shinobi, but could Hiroki have improved that much in only two or three days? I wasn't certain Naruto was objective about this, but I still smiled at her.

"It seems you have worked hard while I was away. Congrats and welcome back to Team 7!"

She thanked me, but I could see in her smile that she was aware I was putting an act for them. She had remained behind all along letting the two others speak for her. It was as if she knew how I felt. I tensed a bit at the thought. I looked at the picture again.

It had been taken in the Hokage's office. From the height and the position, I guessed that it was from Tsunade herself. At the extreme right of the picture, almost hidden by the frame, there was an object in the foreground that was out of focus. It looked a lot like a sake bottle…

Tsunade had been behind this.

The gesture was her way to tell me that I wasn't reassigned and that I had to get back on my feet. The Hokage was a twisted woman for sure. Had I been in a better mood, I would have been touched by her sweet attention, but today, I couldn't do more than pretending.

I looked at the smiling faces. They had changed so much, the three of them! Sakura and Naruto were not children anymore for sure. Their faces were not as round as they used to be. Sakura was becoming independent and strong. She had never forgotten Sasuke, but she was able to live her own life. As for Naruto, he was more and more able to be serious when needed and could harness his creativity in clever ways. I was proud of what they had become.

I could see a change in Hiroki too, a change from only a week ago. She wasn't a victim or a slave anymore. Her eyes shone with her own fierce will. The change was not as obvious in person, or at least, not when I was in front of her, but I could tell she had overcome some important inner barriers.

"Thanks to you all," I said placing the picture on the night table right beside me. "I'll do my best so we can take that other picture soon."

My eyes curved upwards in a smile. I heard Naruto giggle a bit. When I opened my eye again, I could see Sakura was relieved as well. I was happy I could at least do that. True they weren't children anymore, but it wouldn't hurt to spare them from the harsh hidden realities of Konoha for a little while still.

Hiroki was officially in Team 7, and I was officially her jōnin sensei. The thought started to obsess me.

I should have been more careful about what I did and what I wished for before I surrendered to Danzō. I had expected to die and made sure that if it happened, she wouldn't be alone. I had given her all I could, weaving a strong web that would protect her if I disappeared…

…but this worked only if I died or lost my reason to the point of being confined, it didn't work if I came back insane and broken. I was now stuck in that web with her, attached by all sorts of ties, be they duty or blood, that I couldn't break. I couldn't just ignore her or send her away easily. It was something I didn't want to admit to myself, but part of me knew that I would have to at least superficially mend that relationship I had with her. Sooner or later, I would have to take responsibility for the choices I had made.

Hiroki wouldn't impose herself. The more I looked at her, the more I realised that she was way too aware of what was going on. She stood there, not daring to come closer, fidgeting with the bandages around her arms. In her eyes, I saw the pain I was inflicting on her. I could feel Hound's strong protective pull, his urge to reach out to her, but I wouldn't yield. I was not getting back to her, not in the way it was before.

Hiroki's expression changed. I realised that I had let my guard down and mixed feelings had shown up on my face. Hiroki seemed to have been reading them carefully for a while, and her expression had transformed from a fake smile to a mix of worry… and hope.

Hope…

For her, this was not over. She had seen something in my eyes that lead her to believe that things could get better, that I could overcome this. The trust she had in me… it terrified me! I couldn't tell if she was wrong because she was too naïve or right because she saw something in me that I couldn't see myself.

I felt tears ready to spill I closed my eyes tightly and winced as the emotional pain felt almost physical…

"Kakashi sensei…" It was Sakura's voice. "Sorry, we have exhausted you! We'll let you rest now."

"Sorry, Kakashi sensei!" Naruto added just after. "We'll come back later."

I nodded unable to speak or look at them.

I heard their footsteps leaving the room, but Hiroki was still there.

She made a few steps toward me and knelt by the bed touching my knee with her hand. I opened my eyes.

"Kakashi… let us know if we can do anything, ne?"

My hand rose slightly wanting to caress her head the way I usually did, but I couldn't do that. Not anymore. The distance between us… I needed it. My hand dropped down.

She got to her feet and walked away. For some reason, I felt an overwhelming fear, a powerful sadness. Seeing her turning her back to me like that was unbearable. It felt as if all was over…

"Hiroki?..." Her name had flown out of my lips.

She turned around. The sadness was apparent in her expecting eyes.

"Thanks." It was only a word, but I immediately saw what it meant to her.

She smiled… It was a bit sad but still a true smile. I smiled back, and she left.

I was going to be hell for Iruka, I knew it. As soon as the children were gone, I closed off. My heart was pounding, my skin tingling… That visit had drained away all my energy. I knew it would be a bad idea to talk or interact with anyone as I was now and I turned my back to the door hoping I could at least pretend to sleep… but Iruka had remained behind and was still watching me. I could feel his gaze on my back like a burning ray, irritating the skin down to my very soul.

"Go away!" I said as a warning. "I want to be alone."

"It's Hiroki's presence that is doing that to you?... Why?"

I didn't want to tell why. I didn't want to discuss it. I just wanted to get away from everything. I wanted to go to a quiet space where I wouldn't suffer anymore.

"Don't talk about her… Just don't talk at all... and leave!"

I wanted to say worse than that, so much worse. The words I had in my mind could kill as surely as a kunai, and it took all my will to hold them in. I wanted Iruka to leave me alone; his mere presence amplified the pain. He shouldn't be there, not right now. The last time I had felt that way – hell! I couldn't remember when it was, but I knew it happened before – it had ended badly… very badly.

"Kakashi, you have to let it out, you have to open up…" he said half pleading, half lecturing.

I barked and growled, but Iruka would not move. The anger was consuming me. I needed a release. I wished I could kill. I wished I could go on a mission and kill someone… or even many _someones_. I wished I could plunge my hand in their guts and make them pay. I wanted to feel their crimson blood over my long dark gloves.

There was a hand on my shoulder. It was Iruka's. The sharingan snapped opened and, without even thinking about it, I jumped at him.

I felt my finger dig into his wrist, the articulation of his shoulder blocking as I twisted his arm behind his back. I pushed the weight of my body into his as I pressed him into the mattress. My teeth clenched but I was still ready to bite. I could hear my ragged breath… I wanted him to squirm, to wine, to try to escape or ask for my pity so that I could kill something I knew was alive… but he didn't. He just waited there, passive, dead.

A tear ran down my cheek and fell on Iruka's neck.

"Iruka?"

He didn't move; his eyes were closed. The tear ran around his neck, a second one joining it immediately. A lifeless Iruka. I was frozen. It was the image of my worse recurring nightmares. Why wasn't he moving? He had to move! Iruka couldn't die…

…not before me.

"Iruka!"

My eyes filled with tears. I tried to replay what happened in my mind, but I was unable to. I couldn't understand it.

I grabbed his body and flipped it over so that he would face me. Iruka winced a bit and covered his face with his forearm.

"Is it really you now? Did you snap out of it?"

I was sitting on his thighs, a knee on each side of his hips, crying. I bit the back of my hand trying to control myself, but I couldn't stop the painful sobs from escaping my lips.

I nodded through the tears.

The anger was gone. The only things that were left were guilt and pain. I fell to the side, unable to support my body anymore. I had tried to kill him. I had tried to kill Iruka!

I felt a soft hand caressing my cheeks; then arms moved around my body holding it tightly against something strong and warm. I clung to it desperately.

"Run, Iruka. Run away from me! Please!... I wouldn't survive it if I… if I…"

I couldn't even say the words. They were just too horrible to be said.

"Kakashi," he said his hands gently caressed my hair. "You know I would never leave you."

His breathing was calm, regular. I focused on that. He was risking his life just to try to get me out of my self-imposed misery. I didn't deserve him.

"Iruka?..." My voice was cracking, the boldness in its tone, gone. "I want to show it to you… I want you to know it… what happened on those two days…"

"Kakashi… you really don't have to…"

"Yes, but I need to…"

I was clinging to the bit of sanity I had right now. I needed to make the most out of it. If I pushed it to later, I would just drown in my emotions again and forget why this needed to be done. If he was to help me, he had to see it; he had to understand what went on in my mind. I wouldn't have shared it with anyone else, but Iruka was different. I knew he wouldn't judge; he would try to understand all that happened, understand how I had felt. As much as I hated him for trying to fix me, I needed him to do it…

He was probably the only one who could reach me.

"I don't know how much I'll be able to share," I said, "but I'll go as far as I can. If you think it's too much and want me to stop, just let me know."

But I knew Iruka. He would listen till the end. He wasn't strong physically, but his soul could withstand anything if it meant helping someone he cared for. When those things happened to me, I would mostly put up a front and fake a strength I didn't have, but Iruka just took it all in.

I held him closer. I knew I would need to feel his body against mine if I were to relive this. I looked at him with the sharingan and let him in.


	26. Chapter 26: Iruka: Lost Soul

**Chapter 26: Iruka: Lost Soul**

What a pain he did go through! I would have died on the spot. This was what was so amazing about Kakashi. He endured pain in such a banal way as if it were just another daily activity like brushing his teeth or taking a shower. All along, I felt his enveloping warmth as if he was careful not to be too heavy on me.

The first day, he held up without any problem. At some point, however, I could feel the anxiety kicking in. He was anticipating something. Then, I saw it, this girl who looked so much like Hiroki and then the images from a time long past, probably at the Citadel. I heard background noises, some whispers but also high pitched cries. It was not from that place. It was his mind screaming. Emotions were kicking at the walls he erected between him and his memories, the images became filled with blood, the blood created by his own mental suffering. The noises grew louder and louder… He released me.

"I am sorry… I can't go on."

"You don't need to tell it all to me now, Kakashi, we'll be together for a while still."

I lied on my back and Kakashi snuggled against me. As I played with his silver hair, I felt his body relax. He had fallen asleep, totally exhausted.

I didn't know if I could fix him. What he had gone through was bad enough to drive anyone insane for a while, and it seemed I hadn't even seen the worse part of it. While he was there, I had hoped for the best, I had prayed that his injuries would not go beyond that of his body, but now I knew this had been too much to ask. Danzō had added another layer of emotional scars to a man so crippled already that it was a wonder he could still function outside of missions. I was mad at Danzō for forcing Kakashi to undergo something like that. He knew full well what could happen, that he might never recover from it.

The days passed by. I had hoped that his condition would have gradually improved, but instead, he had become highly unstable. He was aggressive giving into violent fits of anger only to recede to a flat and numb version of himself. The clever and unnerving copy-nin was gone. He hadn't even touched his beloved _Icha Icha_ that lied on the small night table beside him. It killed me to see him like that, lost in constant pain.

But the worse was everything that revolved around Hiroki. Sometimes, he acted like a jerk with her. At others, it was as if she didn't even exist. He managed to calm himself down and be presentable in front of his other two students, but whenever it was just the two of us and that Hiroki's name was mentioned, his eyes would express so much anger that someone could have thought the poor girl had killed his mother or something alike. Just as bad was the fact that, whenever she paid him a visit, Hiroki noticed it all. From the three genins, she was the most adept at reading Kakashi, and I could tell that what she read on his face and in his behaviour was destroying her. The time I didn't spend with Kakashi, I spent with her, trying to rationalise or cheer her up. We discussed together for hours, and it was clear, despite the fact that she made no precise allusion to it, that she had figured out most of what had happened. I understood what Kakashi saw in her. She was a brilliant child with strong instincts. She was an odd mix of reason, intuition and, most of all, love and compassion, something that shouldn't have existed in a lost soul like hers.

I looked at the animal that inhabited my bedroom. I couldn't recognise him anymore. At times, his hands would twitch, or he would look around nervously as if there was an imminent danger. Then, he was unable to get back to reality. I could tell that behind those angry eyes, his mind was very active, he seemed to be calculating, pondering, always on edge. He barely ate, barely slept anymore… and when he was able to catch an hour of sleep, he immediately woke up startled by one of his frequent nightmares.

I was drained, I didn't know how much longer I could support this. I asked Tsunade to give him pills so that he would be able to sleep for more than an hour or two. At first, Kakashi was mad at me and refused them, but I think he saw the dark circles deepening under my eyes because one day, he gave in, took the pills and buried himself under the blankets. I tried not to show it, but I was glad I finally had some time to myself. When he finally fell into a dreamless sleep, I got out of the bedroom, knelt in a corner and cried, hoping that the next day would be better.

I had to remind myself constantly of what he had been, of all the love he had given to me and his team, of how he had been willing to sacrifice his life countless times for us. I had to make an effort not to forget this because, since he had come back, he was an insensitive monster most of the time. I wondered if it was what Hound had looked like on missions when he plunged his hand into the chest of his victims pulverising their hearts before they even had the time to realise what had happened. The Kakashi I knew was so far from that. He wouldn't have avoided taking someone's life to the point of getting killed himself as I did, but he would spare as many as he could and be compassionate whenever there was no other solution. He was still a killer, but a killer who knew the value of each life he took.

But Kakashi was gone, and I missed him. I wanted to hear his soft laughter, see him do his stupid pranks on his pupils, nag Azuma and Anko. I would even be happy with hearing him trying to justify his botched mission reports once again. I wanted his strong arms around me, hugging me as if nothing else in the world mattered anymore. I wanted to feel his love for me even if I rejected it all the time…

I undressed and slipped into the bed beside him. His chest rose and fell in a steady rhythm; his face looked calm. I pressed my forehead against his shoulder and put an arm across his chest.

"Kakashi, please, come back…"


	27. Chapter 27: Kakashi: Realisations

_I have the attention span of a fish (and saying that is really insulting to the poor thing!) and sincerely I feel like I am swimming in loops right now. I tried to spare you most of it and cut all that I didn't feel necessary in terms of character evolution, but that means that the next few chapters will be rather short. I'll upload more often to compensate for those :o)_

 _Thanks for being around!_

 _-Ema_

 **Chapter 27: Kakashi: Realisations**

I knew I was pushing them away. I was destroying them.

I never spoke to Hiroki when she came, or barely. I was torn between protecting her and protecting myself. I saw the pain I caused her in each of her hesitations, in each time she forced that arduous smile on her face. She feared me now, the way you fear someone you can't figure out… or can't trust. The link we had built in those months living together was shattering, and I couldn't protect her from the pain of it.

And Iruka… What I did to him on a daily basis… _Unacceptable_ was too weak of a word; it was just plain disgusting. I saw him slowly wither under my eyes. There was no joy in him anymore, no love in his dulled eyes… I knew I had to shut myself down so he could have a break from me before he collapsed from exhaustion, before he hated me so much that he would never be able to forgive me.

That's why I had taken the pills in the end…

I saw Iruka with Hiroki while I pretended to sleep, the way he cared for her, the way after their long conversations he finally made her smile and they laughed together. This was how I wanted them, happy… and with me around neither of them would ever be. I would wait, train her, and then let her go… or maybe get killed on a mission once I had put enough distance between us. That was my resolve.

"Kakashi", Iruka said hesitantly as he entered the room, "you need to eat at least a little if you are to recover."

He had brought a small bed table and two bowls of food. He helped me set up and put the bowl in front of me. I looked back at him. What did this mean? It was the curry Hiroki used to cook for me. I could tell by the look and the smell that she had done it herself. No one else cut carrots in weird angular shapes the way she did and no one used this specific mix of spice in Konoha.

"Yeah," Iruka said answering my silent question, "I asked Hiroki to cook for me. I had a lot of things to take care of with this unexpected leave from work and needed a bit of help… and you always told me how spoiled you were to have someone so good at cooking around you. I wanted to know what I was missing."

I didn't know if I felt annoyed or not. Maybe it wasn't part of his manipulation act to try to get her into my life again. Maybe he truly needed help, or just wanted to get closer to her. In any case, he seemed to enjoy the food a lot.

"Maybe I shouldn't have asked her," he said concerned. "You are frowning… Thinking of her is still painful, right?"

It was… and I was pretty confident it would remain that way.

Seeing that I wouldn't even pick up my chopsticks, Iruka left me alone, patting my shoulder before going away.

I stared at the bowl for a while, letting the memories come back to me. The smell… The whole apartment would smell like this at times. When she cooked that dish, my austere flat felt like a home. I would miss it, but most of all I would miss her. She was a joyful and quiet presence. She never took credit for anything, but she did so many little things in the house, had so many little attentions… The person who would end up with her in his life would be lucky…

But I had taken my decision, hadn't I? To put distance between us… To never open up again…

She would be my pupil from now on. We would never be friends or anything more. I'll give her a life, make sure she has a solid footing and my job will be done.

Staring at the bowl wouldn't accomplish anything. I had to eat. I had to recover. I should as well eat it since it would probably be one of the last times she prepares that dish for me…

I dipped my chopsticks in the bowl digging under the sauce and the veggies to grab some rice and ate.

I smiled at the familiar taste. It reminded me of the stupid things we did together. We would eat on the roof because I was too lazy to put away my weapons, sit in a pile of dirty ninken when coming back from long winter missions to warm ourselves or attempt to bribe Pakkun into delivering late mission reports to Iruka…

…and the pranks! She was so good at stealth that there was no way I wouldn't get her involved in the tricks I played on Gay… and even Iruka sometimes!

While I was living it, I felt there were so many things wrong about us – mostly about me in fact – and kept focussing on those, but now that I was stepping back, I could see that, when I wasn't avoiding her, there had been lots of happiness too.

A tear fell into the bowl. Was I giving up on her? On all those memories? A part of me wanted to believe nothing was played but the other, the rational one, repeated over and over that this shouldn't be, that I would break both of us at some point and that was why I needed to leave.

It was a horrifying prospect… being by her side while I watched her move away from me. Why couldn't I give her up? Why was a part of me screaming at the thought of letting her go and live her own life?

This was so much harder than it should be…

I ate as if it would be the last thing I'd ever eat. I licked the bowl clean and fell into a deep sleep.

::

That night, I had a dream. Hiroki was with me.

We were in that very same cave where I had hidden her after her escape from Danzō's claws. It was dark and humid with only a few rays filtering through the opening. She was lying beside me, but, this time, I was the one broken, tired, dirty and mute. She was strong, strong as in the picture she took with Naruto and Sakura, strong as the sun. The gloomy atmosphere of the cave couldn't breach into her heart.

She pulled me by the hand, but I didn't want to move. Contrary to her, the darkness was where I belonged. It felt right.

"Hiroki, let me go," I said in a bland voice.

She looked at me with soft eyes.

"You can't stay here, Kakashi," she said pulling with more strength. "You know you can't."

When I still refused to move, she put her hands on my back and forced me up on my feet. There was no way she would let go. She was pulling me into the light with her and no excuses, no protests would stop her.

Outside, the sun shone, blinding me, but she led the way, and I obediently walked behind her. It was a warm summer afternoon. I could hear the cicadas. She brought me to the bank of a small river. I could feel the small droplets of water splashing my toes through the opening in my sandals.

"You can fight all you want, you can take the blows for those you love, but you must heal too."

She reached for the zipper of my flak vest and pulled it down. I knew I should have stopped her, but my body was heavy, crippled. I did not stop her either when she lifted my shirt and the protective layer under it revealing the more recent scars. She untied my hitai-ate uncovering the vertical mark that bisected my eye. Her gaze ran over my whole body, taking in the extent of the damage I had undergone.

She pulled me in the water with her. It wasn't deep. When I knelt at the bottom of the river, water reached only a few inches above my navel. She knelt in front to me, her knees between mines.

It made me nervous.

She poured water on me, chasing the evils of those two days. She poured water over my torso washing away not just the dirt and the blood but also the scars I had accepted to take for her. She poured more over my head washing away the filth and the guilt. The water felt fresh over my face, and I found myself turning toward the sun. I heard Hiroki's soft laughter. It pierced the walls I had built around me, and finally, I could see her…

She held my face as if trying to peer into the depths of my soul. Her hands felt so good. The droplets of water shone over her small shoulders. Her dark hair had grown longer since she had arrived in Konoha and, when wet, reached almost to her breasts. She leant in a little.

"I could heal them for you… if you'd let me…" she said, looking at me with her caring deep teal eyes. "Please, let me help."

It was a soft plea, but she knew how stubborn I was. She wouldn't insist.

The sheer beauty of her had been hidden under layers of misery and fear that had slowly but steadily fallen down. The day she had curled up in fear when I had touched her injured shoulder was long gone now. At the speed she was growing, she would become strong, insanely strong, and she had the mind to back it up. She had started to bloom from the very first day she arrived in Konoha and, each time I thought her transformation was complete, another row of petals had opened up.

She was wonderful.

I took her by the shoulders and kissed her… fiercely.

There was only a small surprise visible in her expression before she gave me access and reciprocated the gesture…

No, this was not right! I couldn't do this to her! I wouldn't!

I awoke suddenly. My breath was short, but I could feel it slowly getting back to normal as reality sank in. Iruka was looking at me, arms wrapped around my body.

"Kakashi, you were dreaming…" he said caressing my face. I held his hand there as if trying to ground myself to him. I pressed my body closer to his, staring at the ceiling. I was still shocked at how easily I had given in… This was so wrong.

Iruka smiled as he looked at me.

"You didn't have to make a nightmare out of this, you know?"

How much did he know of what I had been dreaming about? I sat in the bed crossing my legs. I rubbed my face with my hands to get rid of the drowsiness and entered thinking mode. Iruka stared at me for a while then broke the silence:

"Kakashi… one day you'll have to confront her."

I was already tensed, I snapped:

"Don't you think I know that?!" Hiroki was not a subject I wanted to discuss with him. I knew how it would end...

He sat beside me, and I did my best to look away, but of course ignoring him wouldn't discourage him in the least.

"Why don't you tell her what's really on your mind? Why don't you open up to her?"

"I can't."

"Tell her!"

"Tell her what?"

"That you love her…"

"Like hell I'm ever gonna say something like that to her!"

My voice had raised significantly; my eyes narrowed in anger. It was the same pattern all over again now, but even after all this time, it seemed that neither of us knew how to exit it. I felt pain, but this time, it was different. It wasn't about Hiroki. It was the raw and familiar pain of being rejected by Iruka again, of knowing he did not love me and yet having him right here beside me, close, but unreachable.

"Kakashi, are you blind? She loves you!" he was persistent. He had wanted that for us since the beginning, but I was stubborn too.

"So what? Am I obliged to reciprocate any feelings she has? Can't I have different feelings?"

"What feelings do you have then?"

How dare he ask! It's not as if he didn't know how I felt about him by now.

"You told me already you don't want to hear about those… so fuck off!" I growled.

There was silence.

He stared at me, reproachful.

At that point, I knew I had lost it again. He had stuck his finger in the wound one more, and the rage overcame all reason.

"So you want to know how I feel about her?" I said grabbing his arm violently to pull him close. "I'll make you understand!"

I forced him into my mind with the sharingan. He would see it all…


	28. Chapter 28: Iruka: Blood and Pain

**Chapter 28: Iruka: Blood and Pain**

I had never seen him so fierce. This battle he was raging against himself was destroying him, but at least, now, it had surfaced. I felt sick. The move into his mind was so sudden that I could not prepare for the intrusion. I heard the same screams, the high pitched noises, the terrifying whispers... it was even worse than the first time. I saw Hiroki dying at Tiger's hands, her shattered body full of blood. I heard Tiger trying to convince Kakashi to get out of her life and the fight that followed. There was blood, so much blood, and so much pain... All of a sudden, the flow of memories came to a halt.

The sound was unbearable, the screams, they were neither his or hers. They were the cries of fallen comrades, the soundtrack of his personal hell. A gush of blood obstructed my vision, and for a moment, I thought Kakashi had killed Tiger, but no, he had stopped mere inches away from him, his hand stuck in the illusion of what he thought was Hiroki. Just like with Rin, she had come between them, and he hadn't seen her. The emotions were violent and painful, attacking my very soul. Kakashi would not shield me from any of this. I was living it as he had, feeling the same emotions, my rationality completely pushed away and replaced by his.

That is where he collapsed emotionally, I thought.

I cried and screamed locked in his mind, but what came afterwards was even more unsettling, it was a growing resolve to die, to avoid the pain he would have to face when he would get out of there. I felt my bones break one after the other...

I had screamed, for real this time, that was what made him release the sharingan. His left eye was bloodied, his breath heavy as if he had just fought a harsh battle. I could feel the rage still present in him, but it began to slowly dissolve as he realised what happened.

I was in shock. Had he wanted to destroy me? I thought he would have never dared to do something like that to me.

He started to cry.

"I am sorry!" his voice was uneven and filled with emotions. "I didn't mean it! I am so sorry!" He was unable to control his sobs and probably needed me to comfort him, tell him that all would be fine, but I was fed up and annoyed and I left the room without even acknowledging his pleas for forgiveness.

Was Tiger partially right? Maybe he should stay away from her.

I went out. As I walked under the moonlight, I kept thinking that this made no sense. In a normal world, I would have just pushed the two of them together, but this was war. The occasions for her to die were just too damned freaking high, and he was just too strong of a shinobi to take the bet that they would both be fine in the end. Would he just go crazy from these two days of torture and that was it? Should he just be killed as were other shinobi who became like him after it? This was way too sad of a story.

When I came back, I saw a miserable creature. I noticed that the sleeping pills bottle had been knocked over on the night table. Scared of what he could have done, I counted quickly. He had only taken two. I closed my eyes in relief for a few seconds. I stared at him. He had fallen asleep, but his whole body spoke of the pain he went through. He was laying on his side, his knees brought up under his chin, his head bent, his arms closed around his body for protection leaving his half-clenched fists just in front of his face.

I took a blanket in the closet and slept in the living room.

::

 _Told you about the short chapters!  
Another one is coming :o)))_


	29. Chapter 29: Kakashi: Deep in Thoughts

**Chapter 29 Kakashi: Deep in Thoughts**

I had taken the pills as a way to apologise to him.

At some point I had contemplated the idea of taking the whole bottle, but, with the immunity I had to most poison, there probably wasn't enough in it to kill me. Hell, those pills weren't even able to knock me out properly anymore!

When I woke up the next day, I realised Iruka had slept on the sofa. He brought breakfast, lunch, tended to my wounds, but he didn't say a word. His expression was stern.

His indifference hurt…

I stared at the window lost deep in thoughts. I obsessed with Hiroki, but it was him that I loved. No one was as clever; no one had that same compassion or that soft laughter. He was stronger than anyone I knew, selflessly protecting so many young lives... Being around him felt so good.

But he probably hated me now.

I fucked up before but, in those last few days, I had proven nothing except that I was a mad killing-machine, a danger to his very life. I saw that slow decline in his attempt to reach out to me. He didn't even try to engage in small talk anymore. He was avoiding me as much as he could now. He was just a shinobi doing his job.

I didn't expect anything to remain of us when I'd finally get back to my life.

Well, a _Nakama Goroshi_ shouldn't have any friends anyway…


	30. Chapter 30: Iruka: Awakening

_Thanks to everyone for the bunch of favs, follows and nice reviews I received lately. I am in a bit of a dark spot right now, and it really cheered me up to see you all there!_

 _-Ema_

 **Chapter 30: Iruka: Awakening**

The next day, Hiroki had come, and we chatted together as usual. I did my best to look cheerful, but my heart was in pieces. I had no hope for Kakashi anymore. I didn't even know if he would be able to teach his genin team again. Still, when Hiroki lost her soft smile, I took her in my arms rubbing her back until she felt better. How could I tell her that he was probably gone for good?

When she left, I sat in a corner right outside of the bedroom, knees under my chin, eyes red and itchy. Kakashi had been staring away all day, looking out the window for hours with a strange expression on his face. I couldn't tell if it was sadness or something else. He hadn't been violent today, hadn't opposed anything. He had been docile... and absent.

I think I liked it more when he argued; when he whispered harsh words under his breath or shouted for me to leave him alone. At least he was alive… now it was as if he was dead inside. The idea that he might never come back was starting to sink in more and more. I covered my eyes with my hands. How much longer could I watch him decay like this?

I sniffled.

In the next room, I heard the blankets move. Then all was silent for a while.

"Iruka, is that you? Are you alright?"

My eyes widened. What was happening? There was… something like concern in his voice. I wiped my eyes and got up. He was sitting in the bed, a ray of light passing through the curtains highlighted his beautifully sculpted body. There was a familiar laziness to the way he held the weight of his body on his elbow. It reminded me of the so many nights we had spent together... but it couldn't be him. I had to reason myself; Kakashi was gone, and this... was just a man who looked like him.

I sat on the bed beside him, afraid of my own expectations.

"…. Iruka, I'm sorry…" he said his voice low and calm.

I was startled.

"I am sorry you have to take care of both of us, Hiroki and I… by my fault."

He had seen me with her, taking her in my arms, comforting her, yet he didn't have the possessive rage he had displayed when he first felt her chakra in my bed.

"Kakashi… Don't worry about that. You're alive. That's all that really counts." I couldn't say I felt that way anymore, but he was trying to apologise and being rude with him would just have been counterproductive.

His delicate hand caressed my cheek. I froze... An intimate gesture... This was different. He hadn't done any of this for so long. My breath caught in my throat. His eyes fixated on mine as he went on:

"I've been hurting you, I know… and I regret it so much."

I sure I was dreaming. I was still in the corner of the living room and fallen asleep… I couldn't see any other explanation… but this felt too real to be a fantasy.

"I wish I could be more like you, Iruka. Maybe I would have had the common sense to stop everything before we came to this…"

He kissed my forehead, tenderly. I wanted to sink in the illusion that he was truly here with me.

"No, Kakashi, don't change. You are perfect as you are," I said with a soft smile answering him as I would have before all of this happened. "I wouldn't want you to be like me. I'm boring."

He sat up and put his finger on my lips to silence me. He looked sad.

"Never say that again; that you are boring," he whispered bringing our foreheads together. "There is no one like you, sensei. You read into people as if they were open books; you can touch even the most tortured souls and drag them out of their misery, you open your heart to everyone, and yet you can stay level-headed in impossible situations…"

I was speechless. After all he had gone through, he was trying to comfort me. This didn't make any sense.

He cupped my face in his hands and stared at me. He was trying to hide it, but the guilt was visible in the dark grey eye.

"For you, it's nothing because it's who you are but you are something rare sensei. The village could do without another killing machine like me, but it wouldn't survive long if it weren't for your care and sensibility. People like Konohamaru or Naruto would be very different without you… and people like Hiroki too…"

He looked down, scratching the back of his neck.

"I've been a jerk with her, haven't I?"

I could feel a painful knot in my throat. I had been hesitant to believe it until now, but it was truly Kakashi in front of me. His self-depreciating and laid back attitude, the slight slouch in his upper back, his drooping eyelids… I hadn't seen him that way since he had gotten back from ANBU. The rage and anxiety had completely disappeared from his eyes.

I swallowed hard. I missed him so much. I didn't know what to say that wouldn't break the moment, so I just looked at him eyes filled with hope.

He pulled me into his arms. That warmth, that steady chakra flow that was so characteristic of him, it felt too good. He wouldn't tell me knowing I'd scold him, but it was clear in the way he held me and caressed my back just how much he loved me.

"Iruka, I…" he put his hand on mine, hesitating. "If you want me to get out of your life after this… I'll understand."

I could tell how much it cost him to say this, how much he feared I would confirm his doubts.

Tears were building up at the corner of my eyes.

"I missed you so much, Kakashi! How could I ever want to let you go?"

I could see he was shaken.

"Don't say that, sensei. It's not over yet. There is no way to know how I'll react when I encounter specific… triggers. Who knows what I could do to you still…"

I didn't want to consider eventualities. I didn't want him to shrink back to where he was...

"Kakashi, you will get better, you HAVE to, and then anything that will have happened while you were here and recovering won't matter because you'll be with us again." I desperately hung onto him. "I need you to…"

I was shaking.

He crushed me in his powerful arms. He held me as tight as he could, leaving a trail of kisses in my hair. I heard his strong breath as he took in my scent.

"I am so sorry Iruka, I swear, if I get over this, I'll make it up to you!"

It was him; it was the man I loved, steady, impulsive and passionate. I felt giddy in his arms…

"Kakashi…"

"Hm?"

"I've been so scared that I would never see that side of you again."

His lips connected with mine and everything we had lived in the last few days seemed to disappear. My hands ran over his chest rising into his hair. I was unreasonable, but I couldn't help it. I wanted him so much. His breath quickened, his hands ran over my body knowing all my sweet spots. I couldn't help but press my hips into his forcing a grunt out of his lips.

"Maa, sensei, you can't be serious?" he said chuckling.

"I told you, I missed you."

He peered into my eyes as if he were looking for something, then a smirk appeared on his lips, and he kissed me again. His hand went to my hair pulling the hair tie as he had done so many times before. He released me to look at the result of his work. There was a playful expression in his eyes.

I took off my vest and my shirt, tossing them carelessly on the floor. I followed the path of his eyes over my body. They felt like the softest of caresses… but then his brows furrowed in annoyance when he saw the wooden pendant against my chest. I giggled. I pushed the offending wooden ornament over my shoulder so that it hung on my back, then looked at him mischievously pushing him down on the bed leaving a trail of soft kisses as I went down his chest and caressed his waist. His eyes closed and he let out a faint moan as I pulled at the bow holding his pants on his hips.

"Iruka?..."

My hand went to the bulge in his pants. He buckled against it.

"Iruka. Take me…"

"Are you sure it's going to be okay? I mean…"

Of course, he was still injured. He could barely sit up by himself.

"Please, Iruka, don't force me to cite kinky Icha Icha lines about sexy nurses and stuff…" he said with a daring look.

I combed back the silver locks to get a better view of the expression in his eyes. I smiled.

"Stop me anytime if it's too much."

I pulled his pants and boxers off. He winced a bit but didn't seem to mind the physical pain too much. I kissed and caressed him in a way he was totally unable to follow. His injuries and the time he had spent in bed had weakened him to the point that he couldn't make sustained efforts for such a long time anymore.

I didn't mind. I licked and kissed his throbbing cock hearing his ragged breath as his hands tried to find purchase in the sheets by his sides. I felt thrilled. The strongest and mightiest of all of Konoha's shinobi lied helpless under my touch, slowly drowning in pleasure.

I spread lube over my fingers and pressed into him while I let my breath tickle his wet erection. His hand went to my head, clumsily forcing my lips closer to his needy cock, craving for more friction. I took him in and sucked matching the rhythm to the movement of my finger inside of him searching for his prostate.

He buckled and let out a small cry.

I released his cock and brushed my finger at the small bundle of nerves, again and again, adding more fingers as I gently stretched him.

I sat up and looked at Kakashi while I kept pleasuring him. I never saw how beautiful he was when we made love – the way he usually touched me made me lose my mind too quickly. The manner in which his head turned to the side as he was ravished by pleasure, his lips slightly parted, the sweat glimmering in his unruly hair… He was dazzling; nothing like the lazy shinobi that came to see me at the mission desk. He moaned and writhed under my touches, asking for more, begging me to make him feel more. The images went straight to my groin.

I removed the fingers, and he looked at me, eyes filled with need. I desperately wanted to ask him if this was still okay, but I didn't want to hear him nagging me again, so I positioned myself and slowly breached the ring of muscles. He bit his lower lip, head turning slightly away but he did not break eye contact. I inched my way in but he was so tight it was overwhelming.

I tried to go slow, but my own need was taking over. Our skin became slippery from the sweat, and the sound of our panting breaths filled the room. His back was stiff from his injuries, and I couldn't reach as deep as I wanted but it didn't matter. I could see the pressure building up in his body, his abs tensing under the soft white skin. I stroked him roughly, and he came, his muscles clenching on me. I thrust a few more times before I found my own release and collapsed beside him. His arm slid under me and he pulled me close. I could feel his body still shivering from his own orgasm.

"Did I go too hard?" I asked a bit ashamed of what I had done to him.

"No, you were perfect, as you always are, sensei."

We stayed tangled that way for a while, lost in our thoughts. Kakashi was the first to come back to reality.

"Iruka…"

His voice was soft and calm.

"I love you… It's ok if you don't love me back that way… but just… at least let me say it to you."

I raised my head to look at him. I was starting to cry. I was the one hiding from him now... I never had the courage to tell him why. No one knew.

He held me in his arms so delicately. I felt his strong love invading me like a powerful current. He had loved me then and still did despite me pushing him out of my life so many times. With all that happened to us in the last few days, I didn't have the strength to live the lie anymore.

It was time to tell him.

"Kakashi, I might not have for very long to live…"


	31. Chapter 31: Kakashi: The Illness

Chapter 31: Kakashi: The Illness

Iruka was born with a chakra channelling illness. That is why he never went past chūnin. He was supposed to die in his early twenties, but Tsunade had somehow found a way to extend him.

I held onto him. My mind was racing, analysing all the moments we spent together. He had completely fooled me.

Tonight was no exception. I could see nothing wrong with his body. He was a bit more tired and emotional than usual but still just plain old Iruka. He looked away as he explained what he had gone through since his teenage years, the hospitals, the tests, the experimental medication…

"I have outlived all prognostics…" he had said calmly. "Nobody knows how much longer I have left. It may be years or days… That's why I have let no one in…"

For so many years we had hurt one another over this. So many years of his short life we had wasted…

"Iruka, you idiot!" I cried feeling the despair growing inside of me. "Why didn't you tell me that!" I hugged him as strongly as my broken body would allow me.

"Because I love you, fool! I always did!" he replied between fits of tears.

Iruka had been trying to protect me from the pain of losing yet another loved one. He knew how much the loss of Obito, Rin and Minato had weakened me. He had loved me that much…

I was seized by a violent vertigo. Because he only rarely undertook missions, I had dreamed that Iruka would survive me and die a happy old man, but the truth would be entirely different... I had to get back on my feet. He was too precious of a gift to let whatever time we had together go to waste. I had so many questions to ask still, but words were lacking, so I just kept him against my chest caressing his silky dark hair until I almost passed out.

Feeling my weight resting more and more on him, Iruka backed up looking at me with a mix of reproach and amusement.

" 'Kashi, it's about time you learn your limits," he said pushing me back on the mattress not caring where we would land anymore. Iruka pulled a pillow from somewhere and tucked it under my head, then he lied on my shoulder, his hand over my heart. A heavy dizziness was overcoming both of us; we were completely exhausted.

"Limits... you'll have to remind me what that word means, sensei. I think I have forgotten again." I felt his silent laughter against me.

"I love you Iruka," I whispered and fell asleep, my fingers tangled in the leather string of his dolphin pendant.

::

When I awoke the next morning, The bed was empty, but by the noise, I could tell Iruka was in the kitchen. Slowly, I moved around, testing muscles and limbs. My body felt better. I was sore from last night's love making, but I could easily sit and, when I attempted to get on my feet, I felt pain, but it was definitely bearable. I doubted that anything we did yesterday had the power to heal me so quickly and was shocked as I realised how much the mental pain had crippled my body all this time. I had to admit to myself that this had probably been a good thing considering how unpleasant I had been in the last few day… or was that weeks?

With slow and careful steps, I walked to the kitchen. Iruka was so absorbed in his thoughts that he only noticed my presence when I noisily pulled a chair and slumped on it. He turned around, surprised and happy.

"I am so glad you can finally walk!" he exclaimed.

"I wouldn't exactly call this walking, but as long as it carries me to you, I guess it's good enough," I said with a playful tone.

I waited for him to talk, but he didn't. He was still thinking about last night, although what part exactly I couldn't tell. I stood up and walked to him.

"May I… look at you?" I said pointing at the sharingan.

He nodded.

We seldom had missions together, and it was his mind that truly fascinated me, not his chakra system, so I had never looked at him with my kekkei-genkai, but what I saw when I opened my left eye… I could tell something had been really wrong. Tsunade had managed to put some of it back in place, but someday, those thin chakra lines would snap... and he would be gone. He would die like the cherry blossom at the peak of his beauty. My hand went over his back. It was the worse case of chakra alignment illness I'd ever seen.

"It must hurt so much," I said still staring at the mess under my eyes.

"All the time…" he answered. "But I don't want you to look at me that way; I don't want anyone's pity. It's my fate, and I accepted it a long time ago."

I massaged his neck, then his scalp. He relaxed, feeling better a bit.

"I want to ask you something, Iruka. If none of this had ever happened, what would you truly have wanted in life?..."

He backed up, pressing his hands on my chest to keep a distance between us, but I insisted looking at him straight in the eyes. After what he had said to me only a few hours ago, I didn't want him to close up and push it all under the carpet.

I wouldn't let go.

Iruka's soft chocolate eyes became infinitely sad.

"Don't do this to me Kakashi..." he said biting his lips and looking down. My heart sank, but I had to know what exact space I occupied in his heart.

"With what you told me yesterday, you know I won't drop it that easily now, don't you? So, tell me, what would you have wanted?"

He knew he couldn't avoid me. I wouldn't let him.

"You Kakashi," he said with a sigh while burying his head in my shoulder, "I would have wanted you!"

"…but now the context is different?" I asked.

He nodded against my chest. I caressed his hair thinking about what kind of life we could have had together…

"Iruka, for once, be selfish, will you? Stop thinking about others. Do what YOU want, take what YOU want. I will follow your wishes. If you want me away, then so be it, but it can't be because you want to spare me the pain…" The rest of the sentence choked in my throat. It would still take time for me to accept this. I took a deep breath and looked at him.

He stared back, his eyes wide. He was surprised I had understood. I traced the contour of his jaw with my hand. I couldn't believe that this body so strong and so expressive would soon die. His smile was the embodiment of life itself and his warmth the sign of a soul burning with an intense desire.

"I am ready to do anything for you, not because you are ill, but because I love you," I said slowly letting my fingers fall down. My body was failing me. I didn't know if it was the emotions or just the injuries but every muscle was shaking. I sat down.

"Kakashi…" he wanted to argue, but I wouldn't let him. There was something very important I wanted him to understand.

"Iruka, I am warning you, I don't want to pretend anymore. I am not going to. I love you, and I truly don't want to have anyone else in my life, so please stop trying to push me toward other people. It might change one day, but for now, it's with you I am in love, and I won't let you force me to hide it again..."

The way it came out, it was awkward and painful, but I needed him to know that I would stand my ground this time. I wouldn't let him bury us again.

He brought a chair in front of me and sat, his knees touching mine. He pulled on my shoulder and soon our foreheads were touching too.

"I know how much I have hurt you... I am sorry," he said his hands caressing the sides of my face. "I won't push you away anymore, I promise." His hands were so warm, so full of life... They glided over my shoulders, over my arms until they closed over my hands. He rubbed his thumbs in my palms.

"Now that you know, Kakashi, there is one thing I would like to ask from you. It's something really important to me."

He was fidgeting; I knew this wouldn't be good…

"When death will be close, I'll feel it. I won't be able to focus my chakra and move it as fluidly as I did before. This will mean that there nothing else that can be done for me and that I will die soon. That day, let me chose how I die. I have been preparing for that for a long time, and I am still preparing for it. I want to die the death of a shinobi if I can. You understand that?" I nodded. It felt terrible to think about it, but if it was one of the conditions necessary to be with him and make his life happier, I could withstand it. "So on that day, please, even if what I do looks unreasonable or illogical to you, don't try to stop me…"

I expected him to want to go like that. He was proud, and maybe the fact that he could never live up to his true potential made him even prouder. Up until the end, he wanted to keep whatever dignity he could still have. I didn't want to think about the prospect of his death, but the truth wouldn't suddenly disappear if I ignored it. There was a lump in my throat, but I had to push the words out and answer him.

"I promise, Iruka. When it will be the time… I'll let you go."

Those words hurt so much more than I thought they would. I hadn't been able to protect Obito, Rin and Minato sensei and now life had made certain I couldn't protect Iruka too. It's not something I would be happy to do for him, but I'd do it. He deserved to at least choose the death he wanted.

His eyes rose and fixated on mine.

Although they seemed to relieve him somewhat, I could tell the words hurt him too.

"I love you Kakashi…" he said, then held me tight and kissed me.


	32. Chapter 32: Kakashi: The Rescue

**Chapter 32: Kakashi: The Rescue**

The next day, I awoke to some unusual noises. Something was happening right outside the apartment. I scanned for Iruka's chakra, but he wasn't anywhere near. It was still early in the morning. At that time, he was probably at the market.

I had a bad feeling. I put a sleeveless shirt as I listened more carefully. A fight… from what I could sense, it was more than a mere altercation between two leaf shinobi. I held on all furniture I could reach to get to the window...

Hiroki… I didn't recognise her chakra signature because her mastery over it had improved so much, but it was her… and the other man — he wasn't from Leaf — had no forehead protector, no uniform… but from his own chakra control, I knew he was a shinobi, and a powerful one.

I looked at the scene more carefully.

They were facing one another. Hiroki was panting heavily, clutching her shoulder with her uninjured arm. There was blood dripping from under her hand, but it still didn't look like too bad of a wound. Why wasn't she asking for help? We were in a shinobi village, a single scream and a hundred ninja would have answered the call.

It's only when I took a peek with the sharingan that I understood. The man was clever and had used a silencing jutsu combined with a chakra barrier. Nothing that possessed chakra could get in or out of the perimeter. The sounds I had heard were the different objects getting out of the jutsu. Suddenly, Hiroki fell on her knees her hand falling from her shoulder.

Poison.

I had never seen a poison like this before, but the strangely vivid indigo colour her shoulder had taken couldn't be from a simple bruise. That's why the man hadn't made a move. He was just waiting for the poison to take her.

I raised my mask, took a steel rod from Iruka's closet and went out. If I were careful not to infuse it with chakra the way I usually did, the rod would pass through the jutsu seamlessly. I stepped out and sneaked behind him. As I expected, my chakra levels were so low that the shinobi never noticed me. I twisted my injured body as much as it would allow releasing all its strength on the unsuspecting man.

I didn't expect to be able to hit someone like him so hard. There was a blinding pain, and I heard bones crushing unable to tell if they were mine or his.

He wavered and turned around. I could see by the blood dripping from his face that the wound was quite nasty but not enough to totally incapacitate him. I lowered the other end of the rod using all my weight to slam it in his kneecap. My aim wasn't as good as it should have been and the rod made contact with the nerves right under instead. Mighty shinobi or simple civilian, this would hurt. I had wanted to keep him here so that we could capture him but, sick as I was, he was too strong for me. He made hand gestures and disappeared.

I supported myself on the steel rod and went to Hiroki. She was still conscious. The wound was impressive, but the poison in itself was quite simple. It was an unusual mix though, something that would quickly paralyse its victim before killing it. She was quite resistant and wasn't completely paralysed yet; we still had time.

I crouched painfully on my knees and bit my thumb pressing it to the ground to summon Pakkun. I only had to whisper: "Get Tsunade," before he ran away. I turned toward Hiroki.

"Are you alright?" I asked, unable to completely hide the unfounded worry in my voice.

She nodded weakly. I smiled.

"It's nothing dangerous. I have the antidote for this. Can you walk?"

She tried to get on her feet, but she was clumsy and fell back down. I got up, planting the rod solidly into the ground and gave her my hand. She looked at it hesitantly but finally took it.


	33. Chapter 33: Hiroki: The Rescue

Chapter 33: Hiroki: The Rescue 2

For days I hadn't seen him, unable to endure his sudden coldness anymore. Once in a while he would try to smile and make the small gestures he used to do before, but it felt fake. He didn't want to see me. He suffered when I was there, I could tell... but at the same time, seeing him from time to time was my way to say to him that I was not mad for any of this and I always went with others to make sure I wouldn't become the central focus of the visit.

That morning, I had only meant to quickly drop something for Iruka, but I had felt faint traces of chakra hidden in one of the trees. I made eye contact with the stranger, and it had been enough for him to decide to attack me. The laceration he made on my shoulder hurt to the point I could barely breathe, and my body started to feel too dizzy for me to continue. I didn't know what would have happened if Kakashi wouldn't have jumped in.

He limped and barely had any chakra, but even in this horrible state, Kakashi was a deadly shinobi. He aimed at the man's head without hesitation, and when that didn't work, he immediately landed a vicious blow right at the knee making the man yelp from the pain before disappearing. This heartless display of skills sent a shiver down my spine. It's as if I had never realised before that Kakashi could kill so mercilessly. That was what being an elite shinobi was about.

We were safe. The man wouldn't come back in this state… If he even survived it.

Kakashi walked toward me. He would scold me, I knew. He would find some harsh words to make me regret all that I did or didn't do. That was the kind of things he had done in the last few weeks when he wasn't plain ignoring me. When he asked me how I was doing, I didn't even dare raise my head to look at him. I was just waiting for the verbal blow to fall… but he forced me to my feet and I noticed the worry in his eyes.

I followed him to the apartment, and he made me sit on the couch. He the went into the bathroom, fumbled in the cabinets for a while and got out with antiseptics, bandages and a small vial.

"Drink this," he said dropping the glass container in my hand. He looked at my shoulder and cleaned the wound.

With all the pain I had felt from his rejection, and how I had reacted to his hospitalisation, it was obvious I felt something for Kakashi. I craved for his touch, for his hand in my hair, for his approval and the sparkles in his single visible eye when I would accomplish something truly challenging. Having him care for me like that again was overwhelming. I felt disoriented, unable to believe this was for real. My breathing was difficult, and sometimes I shivered a bit, but fortunately, he attributed it to my wound and did not ask any questions.

"You should lie down and relax a bit," he said with a warm expression on his face, "the antidote will act fast, but you'll have fewer side-effects from the poison that way."

He sat back, spreading his arms on the top of the couch, his head tilted backwards. I just lied on my back on the spot next to him, my leg over the armrest. I heard him grunting from the pain of his own injuries as he attempted to relax his muscles. His chest moved in irregular patterns for a few minutes before he finally calmed down. He turned his head toward me.

"He was a tough one to fight! Good job resisting him for so long," he said, eyes crinkling into a smile.

I didn't expect that. Was he trying to make me feel better?

"I did nothing… I… I couldn't do anything…" I let out lamely.

"Maa, don't worry about it, you are still only a genin. You have plenty of time to learn."

It had been so long since the last time I had been this close to him. Something in him had healed. I didn't know if he was definitely back on his feet, but he seemed more relaxed, even more relaxed than when we used to live together. His eyes were closed and his face covered, but I could feel there was a smile behind the dark fabric.

He thought for a while then turned toward me again.

"Sorry I was so grumpy and obnoxious with you. I have tended to protect Sakura and Naruto because they are so young. I have always felt that you are beyond that and I know you could read through my crappy smiles anyway."

His hand reached for my hair combing it to the side of my face.

"You and I have seen a lot compare to them, haven't we?" he added pensively. "They are so young they don't know yet the true darkness that comes with being a shinobi, so I put out a cheerful front not to scare them away from me."

He said that with a smile proving exactly how smiling when dark thoughts arose was one of the ways he coped with them.

"You and Iruka know better, you know how dark it is inside, how I could destroy people if I'd let them in. I am sorry that I treated you differently. I care about you just as much as I care about them. I just tend to assume you are stronger than them…"

I was so sure he had despised me for my weaknesses and how dependent I was, but it had been just the opposite. If it truly was as he said, he cared for me more than I had imagined. He looked at Naruto and Sakura as fondly as he would have his own children. He was ready to throw himself in the fight and give up his life for them at any time… and, injured as he were, that was almost what he had done for me a few moments ago.

He didn't hate me…

I looked back and had to blink a few times to keep the tears in, but he didn't notice. He was already somewhere else in his head.

"If I am not too broken, I'll ask Tsunade if I can show you a few tricks. Just looking at your chakra, I can see that she didn't waste time with you and taught you pretty useful stuff."

He was evaluating what he had seen today. His mind never rested at the surface of things for long; it always peered into the multiple layers of possibilities and meaning behind it. From an unplanned attack, he had been assessing all of last month's progress.

"Tsunade is too powerful to be a sophisticated tactician, that's not what you need…" he said both hands scratching his scalp, "but I have a few ideas… That is, if you don't mind!"

A soft warmth invaded me. I couldn't answer, but the smile that stretched my lips seemed to be enough of a reply to him. His face brightened.

"It will be fun spending some time together again, right?"

I nodded happily. Maybe it would be alright after all…

It was at this moment that Tsunade entered the room with Iruka right on her tail. After scanning us for major injuries, Tsunade let out a sigh of relief.

"Good thing you were around Kakashi. Even in that state, you are still resourceful."

Tsunade looked at my shoulder biting her lips in concentration. The wound definitively looked better than it had before. The dark indigo had turned into a more reassuring plum colour, and the bleeding had mostly stopped.

"Kakashi," she said while taking a small blood sample to analyse at her lab later, "what did you give her?"

"She took a vial of Mithridates about fifteen minutes ago. The wound looked like a mix of hemlock and something that resembles cyanide."

"Good thing you acted fast, Brat. From what I saw, this could have gotten messy quite fast."

Tsunade quickly dressed the wound and put a comforting hand on my shoulder.

"I don't fear for the poison, but you might get a bit sleepy from everything you took. I want you to stay under surveillance for the next 24 hours not just to make sure the poison has been neutralised, but also so that I can figure out what that foreign shinobi was doing hiding in Konoha."

"I'll keep watch on her too, Tsunade sama," Iruka replied in a soft voice. "After all, one more won't change much." He busied himself in the guest room, already putting fresh sheets on the bed there.

"For real, sensei? You should think about opening your own hospital now." There was a mischievous smile in Kakashi's eyes. "You're an incredibly sex… Ow!"

Neither of us had seen the blow coming at the back of Kakashi's head. It was as if Iruka had just magically appeared behind him.

"Don't you even think about finishing that sentence," Iruka said in his most threatening sensei voice, "or I'll force you to eat Naruto's cooking for a week!... and don't start to whine! I know you are injured, but I also know your head was hard enough to take that blow!"

I chuckled. It was good to see them so playful.

"Hiroki, help Kakashi to the bedroom, I'll check him up there," Tsunade said looking at the ceiling in discouragement.

We got up and walked toward the room. I was surprised when I felt Kakashi actually leaning on me for support. He had walked and fought earlier on, but it was clearly the adrenalin that enabled him to do as much. His body was still in a pretty bad shape. As soon as he sat down, Kakashi started to remove his shirt. Startled, Tsunade quickly gestured for me to leave the room but Kakashi calmly grabbed my wrist.

"That's all right Tsunade, she's seen it all before... and I want her to know what ninja life is about."

I sat back, looking at him. His torso was full of scars and bandages, some of them had reopened and bled through the white gauze. Tsunade carefully removed the bandages, and I did my best not to flinch when I saw the severe lacerations and the dark red blood oozing from them. She sighed in front of all the work she would have to redo, but then, as if she remembered why Kakashi got into that state, she managed a faint smile.

"While you are here Hiroki," Tsunade said without even looking at me, "maybe you could note his report? He'll just have to sign it after... Otherwise, I won't get it in ages!"

Kakashi immediately sent me a surprised look.

"You knew how to read and write all along?" He said slightly tilting his head to the side in amazement.

"The fact that I didn't comment on your choice of literature didn't mean I couldn't read, you know…"

He threw a quick glance at the night table where a copy of Icha Icha still laid open. His eyes narrowed, and the corner of his lips rose.

"Iruka keeps his spare scrolls and writing material in the top drawer… at the back."

We had never discussed the issue, but I had taken it as a given that he would deduce I knew how to read and write like anyone else. Maybe he thought that because of the fact I had spent so much of my life as a slave, I had received no education.

Kakashi made his report as Tsunade checked his vertebra one by one. He didn't have to take breaks for me to catch up since Tsunade's rough inspection made certain he regularly stopped from the pain.

"You are alright," she said patting Kakashi so heavily on his shoulder that he winced. "Well, at least it's not worse than before that fight anyway." She still carefully inspected his eyes and took his hands in hers, testing for chakra levels. A small point of concern showed in her expression, but she recovered quickly.

"Tsunade sama," he said, "I would like to watch over Hiroki's training for a few days sometime soon. It wouldn't hurt for her to have some training without the other two around."

"You can start tomorrow if you want, she answered. I could swear I saw Tsunade's eyes sparkle for a short moment. "Usually, I would trust you to care of her alone, but with what happened today and considering you are still healing, don't be surprised to see ANBU around."

"Thank you very much, Tsunade sama." Kakashi's eyes curved upward, and a boyish grin appeared on his face.

Tsunade shot a suspicious glance at him.

"What is it that you are not telling me Brat?" She waited, but Kakashi only shrugged playfully.

"Here put that back on," Tsunade said throwing Kakashi's shirt at him. "You are even more annoying when I can see your face…"

Kakashi put his shirt back on and turned toward me. I handed the report I had just written for him. He looked over it. There was a surprising tenderness in his gaze as he moved his eyes over the characters, but I noticed he was jumping around…

He wasn't even reading it!

He took the brush signed the report and gave it to Tsunade.

I understood what Iruka had meant when he pestered all the time that Jōnin lacked discipline with paperwork!


	34. Chapter 34: Kakashi: Training Field

Finally a lighter chapter. I have a few like that coming... So enjoy the warmth before we plunge in the dark again!

 **Chapter 34: Kakashi: Back to the Training Field**

There was something in Hiroki's handwriting. It had a very nice flow, an unusual balance. This was something that we would be able to use in training. It would be exciting to see how this precision would translate on the battlefield. I signed, gave the scroll to Tsunade and thanked Hiroki for her work.

"Now, Hiroki, you already wrote the brat's report, but I'll be waiting for yours too. I want everything in!" Tsunade put fresh bandages over my injuries, but then, as if she knew she left out something important, she stopped and looked at Hiroki again. "... and will you do me the favour of signing your full name this time... Miss Uchiha Hiroki! I'll let you keep that first name because it's kind of late to change it, but everyone here has a family name, so get used to yours!"

Hiroki winced at the mention of her full name which I found incredibly hilarious. She had no attachment for that old extinct family clan. She probably would have liked better if she could have taken my name or even something more generic like Konoha no Hiroki. I kind of agreed with her. I disliked the idea of calling her Uchiha — it brought back too many painful memories — but now that the elders knew the truth about her, there was no way around it.

Tsunade disregarded her small display of attitude and packed her instruments.

"Try to rest and don't over do it with the training, Kakashi."

I smirked. I had a reputation to uphold.

"Maa, Tsunade, you know me, I would never disobey medical recommendati…"

I wasn't even able to finish before I received a powerful blow behind the head.

"Again?!"

It was something I should have said, but surprisingly, it came from Hiroki. I was astonished to see her so outspoken. She usually was so quiet she would blend into the walls. As she realised how daring she had been in front of the Hokage, she clasped her hands in front of her mouth.

"Don't worry Hiroki," Tsunade replied kindly. "It's as Iruka said, the brat has a thick skull!"

I heard Hiroki's soft chuckle. She had done it twice today. I was happy to see her laugh. It had been such a long time that the pain from Tsunade's blow was more than worth it!

::

The next day, Hiroki, Iruka and I woke up under the same roof. My heart felt light; it was like having a family. The kitchen was filled with laughter and happiness as both of them made breakfast. I wanted to help, to join the cheerful atmosphere but as soon as my butt left the chair, I received a heavy disciplining glare from Iruka and went to the sofa pretending to read the orange book he hated so much.

I let myself sink into my thoughts. What happened to Hiroki was rather disturbing, and because I had been too impulsive to ask for help, the attacker had been able to disappear without leaving any clue as to what were his true intentions.

I went over the fight in my head. From what Hiroki told me, he didn't seem to know her, and it didn't look like a kidnapping or someone interested in her kekkei-genkai. The man had just waited for her to die. The most logical explanation is that Hiroki had spotted him, and he didn't want to leave a witness behind, but we still couldn't completely rule out the possibility that the attack had been aimed at her. If it was for her, the other question was: did they act at that particular time because they knew I was incapacitated? This was a whole other problem in itself. I was on the first page of the bingo book of so many dissident groups that I made sure that only close friends knew when I was severely injured just in case some bright nutcase would try to come for me. I hoped the man was just a random spy caught in the act... but then, what was a spy doing in Konoha in the bright daylight?

I trusted Tsunade to make a thorough investigation on this.

When Hiroki and Iruka were done with the dishes, I asked Hiroki to push me to the training ground in a wheelchair. No matter how much I loved Iruka and wanted to spend as much time as possible glued to his dark caramel skin while I still could, I felt as if I hadn't seen the sun in years and I enjoyed being outside again.

Once at the lush green clearing, I sat on the ground against a tree. I would finally see if Naruto was right when he said Hiroki had drastically improved.

"So, what did you work on with Tsunade beside filling all of her paperwork?"

She grinned. The lazy woman did use her as a small servant after all…

"Chakra control, that's what we worked on," she replied shyly.

This made sense. I barely had the time to teach her enough survival skills to make sure she wouldn't become too easy of a target. Chakra control came after.

"Care to show me?" I asked, trying not to show her how curious I was.

She blushed and looked down. I knew her. She thought that the progress she had done in the last month was not worth showing... but I wouldn't let her be the judge of that!

She looked around and picked up the biggest leaf she could find, then knelt right in front of me. She held it in her palm, covered it with her free hand and closed her eyes. I thought she would do the classical exercise and split the leaf in two — which would already have been a huge step forward for her, but when she uncovered it, I saw something way more impressive. She had removed a quarter of an inch all around the leaf creating a miniature version of the original. I was stupefied, but I should have expected something as excessive from Tsunade. She was a medic; she had to push her pupils to reach perfect chakra control quickly.

However, Hiroki didn't look happy with her feat. I could read deception on her face. She had done something insanely hard and still had the feeling she had failed at it.

"Hiroki..." I called her with a soft voice, but it was as if she didn't dare look up. "Hiroki? You know that neither Naruto, nor Sakura can do that, right?" Oni! I didn't even know if could do that myself! I ruffled her hair. "Stop thinking you need to become a ninja overnight. Let yourself the time to grow." With the other two, I always felt like I had to push or discipline them, but Hiroki was so demanding toward herself that I had to act differently.

We both felt a presence in the trees. Tsunade had told me there would be an ANBU watching over us; I was happy when I recognised Tenzō's chakra.

"You're late!" I said gesturing at my old kohai.

Tenzō slipped down of the tree and knelt in front of us.

"Since when are you on time, Sempai?" he remarked trying to sting my ego. "Are you making exceptions for her?"

If he wanted to play that game, he wouldn't win. I was a master at this!

"Maa, I had Iruka to kick me out of bed and Hiroki to push me here, it would have been hard not to be on time!" I simply let out in my usual bored tone. Then, I turned to Hiroki.

"In general, I would recommend being cautious around ANBU, but you can trust Tenzō."

My kohai went stiff then shook his head in dejection.

"Kakashi!" he said visibly annoyed.

This was too much fun for me to stop. I put on my best sheepish smile and feigned innocence.

"Oh… Did I let that slip? Sorry…"

Tenzō shrugged.

"I guess there is just nothing to do with you sempai…" he replied, resigned. Tenzo turned toward Hiroki. "You call me ANBU san if you need to refer to me by name, or Cat if there are many of us."

Hiroki looked at me for a fraction of a second, mischief shining in her bright teal eyes, but then she decided against it. She was a brilliant girl and knew better than to piss an ANBU on a first encounter.

"Well," I said looking at Tenzō and scratching my neck as if I hadn't been exploiting him since day one, "I was wondering if you wouldn't help me a bit with Hiroki's training…"

He pretended to be annoyed, but I could sense his interest. He was curious.

"Isn't that your job sempai? Are you trying to get me to do your work again?"

"Maa, not at all. Tsunade told me that she would send an ANBU to protect my weakened body. If I spar with her, I could get injured, and you would be responsible…"

"Look at you, smooth talker," he whispered. But there was a hint of amusement in his voice.

Tenzō wouldn't acknowledge it himself, but he was a great teacher. He was able to assess her weaknesses quickly and force her to step up her game to match him. Sometimes, I would stop the fight to highlight a specific mistake or teach her a technique, but Tenzō did a fine job moving from taijutsu to weapons and jutsu.

Hiroki, on her side, was definitely not a quitter. Her hands were covered in blisters and small scratches, but she still held to her worn out kunai without even wincing. While I admired her determination, I was appalled at how she just went on, doing nothing to protect herself from those small injuries, but also at how she had no notion of her own limits; she didn't know when to stop... at all. Well, with me as a role model, I shouldn't even be surprised, I guess.

I gave Tenzō a break and asked Hiroki to come toward me. After the fight she had done, I was glad to see that she could still run. She was in reasonable shape. She sat in front of me as she had done before Tenzō's arrival. I looked at her hands closely. There were no open wounds, but I knew they would be sore tomorrow.

"Here, put that on at least," I said taking off my fingerless gloves and handing them to her.

The gloves were a bit too large for her, but my hands weren't that wide, so it wasn't too much of an inconvenience.

"Take out two kunai..." I asked. "And you know using your sharingan against jōnin or ANBU is not considered cheating right?" She blushed but then looked back at me with blood red irises. "I'll teach you how to properly parry blows with those."

We went on for another hour, practising techniques then testing her reflexes when our bellies growled in tandem. We laughed. I had been so into it that I didn't see the time fly by!

Tenzō had stayed nearby, relaxing under the shade while crafting tiny wooden objects.

"Oi!" I shouted, waving my hand at him. "I think it's lunch time. Could you grab us some ramen?"

"Are you serious sempai?" he replied. "It's not my job! _You_ go and get ramen," I was pretty sure he was pouting under the mask.

"What would Tsunade say if I fainted from hypoglycemia?" I said, knowing how my lame excuses infuriated him.

"I am not supposed to leave you on your own, sempai."

"Maa, send a clone then."

Tenzō let out a loud sigh before finally getting up.

"You won't quit, eh? How come you always win at this!" he mumbled to himself. "Ok, but if anything happens while I am gone, you take the blame!"

"You know me Tenzō," I replied with my best eye-smile, "I always assume the consequences of my decisions."

I could almost see smoke leaking from his mask.

"Stop lying in front of Hiroki... and stop using my name, will you!"

He disappeared in a puff of smoke.

Hiroki laughed.

"How come you can make him boil over so easily?"

"Maa, we're an old couple," I replied cheerfully.

She sat back against the tree and removed the gloves. I was almost sad when she did. I thought she looked cute with my gloves on, but I was wondering if it wasn't just the wild beast inside of me that wanted to leave its mark on her again.

"Keep them," I said putting my hand over hers, "I have a few spares at home."

Of course, that was a lie.


	35. Chapter 35: Iruka: Into the Sun

Sorryyyyy gotta place a few pawns before continuing. There are a few rather "domestic" chapters to write before the action (and angst!) kicks in again. Please bear with me!

 **Chapter 35: Iruka: Into the Sun**

That morning, I was happy to see Kakashi go out to train Hiroki. He finally was stepping into the light again. He could regress still, but I'd be there to catch him.

It had been trying to tell him about my illness. I didn't know how he would react, but at this point, it wouldn't change anything. He already loved me and wouldn't turn away no matter what I did. Refusing his love would only hurt him more...

...hurt US more.

I had changed my decision about what our relationship should become, but I was still worried. Kakashi opened up to no one but me. When I wasn't available or when he wanted to discuss a subject he couldn't share with me, he went to his ghosts... but Minato, Obito and Rin could only do so much for him, and when I'd become a ghost too, he would be alone again.

I felt a spark of hope when I realised he had bared some parts of his soul to Hiroki. Yes, he felt responsible for her as a sensei and knew he had to act in a certain way with her, but he was struggling to keep his distance. I had been certain that his uneasiness came from the fact that he was always walking the thin line between a deep friendship and the need to be her tutor, but after what he showed me through his sharingan, I could see why he was so scared of this budding relationship. Not only did he truly care but he felt a deep anxiety at the thought that he could hurt her.

He took the blame for everything bad that ever happened to her never turning back to look at how much he contributed to her growth or how better her life had become because of him. He was always apprehensive around her and yet he couldn't help but let her in on so many details of his rich worldview. He showed her a side of him that he would never reveal to Naruto or Sakura. Sometimes, he talked to her almost as an equal, and it was obvious that he'd cross the line sooner or later.

Seeing that, I had tried to play matchmaker. I knew that, given time, it could work with Hiroki and that both of them would benefit in the end. I still wasn't sure if Hiroki liked him _that_ way, but I was certain that she loved him enough. Sure she was less flamboyant than the famous jōnin, but they were similar in so many ways; so passionate and loyal, so selfless and dedicated. I could swear that with every passing day, she grew more and more like him. Maybe they would never become anything more than friends, but I hoped with all my heart that Hiroki would replace me as his precious someone when I'd be gone.

I had been so obsessed with the fact that I didn't want Kakashi to be alone that I hadn't realised that it was too late. I couldn't push him away from me. Kakashi already loved me the way only he could love, with an ardour and devotion that were beyond all natural limits. On top of that, I realised with shame that I had attributed most of his attempts to reach out to me to purely physical need. Being an elite shinobi, especially the kind of elite weapon Kakashi had been most of his life, was a scarring existence and most elites felt a visceral need for post mission sex. I understood that very well, and that was why I occasionally offered myself to friends in need.

In fact, that was how our relationship started; by me picking up a broken Kakashi at the end of a mission room shift and fixing him the only way I knew how. It had been a strange night. I was surprised when I realised he hadn't planned to do more than talk and seek the understanding of another soul. I had to push him into it, gradually moving closer until my knee rested on his thigh and my shoulder could easily brush on his. Only then I saw the surprise in his eye. The deep grey orb fixed me, and a blush crept from under his mask. I pushed my hitai-ate down over my eyes and pulled on the dark fabric. I remembered the butterflies in my stomach as my lips finally touched the skin that no one was allowed to see.

Kakashi had a reputation for jumping from one bed to the other (a reality which I truly hoped that Naruto would never become aware!). I had never thought that he could want anything else from a low-ranked chūnin like me, but he came back, and one day I realised, he came back only to me.

Before I had to leave, I would have liked to see him at peace, in someone else's arms, to know he would be alright and loved. I wanted to see _his_ happy ending... but I knew now that it wouldn't happen while I was alive. Some nights, what would happen to him after my death worried me to the point it kept me awake for hours but maybe seeing the man I had come to love more than everything in the world cherish someone else would have been just as unbearable. So I finally decided to yield, and take what he both wanted so much, hoping that all would end up well.

Yesterday, I had slept on the couch to keep up the appearances in front of Hiroki, but I wanted nothing more than to slip into the bed beside Kakashi. I was looking forward to all of it: the cuddling, the sweet words, the true trust and abandon... The thought of finally having him for myself, of not having to hide anymore, was thrilling. Part of me was so happy that I couldn't refrain the silly grin from reaching my lips. We would be lovers... for the rest of my life!

But I knew there wouldn't only be Kakashi in my existence. The idea of preparing my death and of making sure the people I loved would be alright couldn't completely leave my mind. For the last stunt I intended to do, I needed Hiroki by my side.

The day had been busy. I had been at Kakashi's side for so long that I hadn't been able to keep up with all I needed to get done outside the house. It was late afternoon when I finally arrived near the training ground. I was exhausted, but what I saw there warmed my heart.

Kakashi had let his ninken out (or did Hiroki already learn to summon them?!) and the dogs just played in the grass like puppies while Kakashi and Hiroki were sitting below a tree, discussing. Kakashi looked truly happy. It had been a seriously long while since anyone had seen him that way. Maybe there was something like that when he proposed his students for the chūnin exams, but today it was something else. There was no pressure on him. Just the plain pleasure of training Hiroki no matter the time it took. I secretly hoped that Hiroki enjoyed this casual time with him as much as I did. When he'd get back to his old routine, it would maybe take years before she'd get the chance to see him like this again.

Sitting cross legged in the grass, Kakashi looked like he did in his ANBU years. He was wearing a sleeveless shirt that showed his thin but muscular arms and had left his hitai-ate home causing his hair to fall in his face, but he also looked playful, so different from his stern self. It was as if, for a few hours, he had forgotten everything about Obito and Rin. He wasn't a shinobi; he was just a man.

I made some noise in the grass to announce my presence. They both turned and greeted me.

"So, Kakashi, taught her anything useful?" I asked cheerfully. I saw something in his eye. It sparkled with enthusiasm.

"Tsunade had warned me she was a quick learner, but this is beyond me... Show him Hiroki."

He smiled tenderly at her. What place she occupied in his heart exactly was still blurry for me, but his pride was clear. She was his, and it didn't matter if she was a lover, a friend or a pupil, I felt certain he would not leave her.

A small ball of chakra swirled in her hand.

"Is that a rasengan?" I asked incredulously.

I was stunned. It was but a tiny and harmless ball of chakra but the fact that they had achieved that in only a day was a real feat!

"Yes, she doesn't have as much chakra as Naruto, but she mastered that." He scratched the back of his neck. "Two potential rasengan users, two potential medics — she masters her chakra well enough... two sharingan users... I'll have to find a way to balance that team better," he added thoughtfully.

He was right to be concerned. There was a chance the elders wouldn't like that, but, as I thought, he didn't want to let her go. He knew he had to find a way to keep her despite the redundancy; otherwise, they might be tempted to assign her to another team.

What bothered me more, however, was the small size of the jutsu she had produced. I was certain she had chakra, lots of it! I couldn't believe an Uchiha could possess such a small reserve. Even if one of her parents had been a civilian, it would have to be more than that... But Kakashi worked with what he saw, not what he might or should have and by this early mastery of such a difficult technique he was doing a wonderful job at it.

Kakashi continued his reflexion.

"She is a water type. It's going to make it so much easier for me to protect her. Iruka, what is your guess on good offensive and defensive techniques for her?"

"Why don't you start with water wall or water prison and see where you can go from there?"

I could see it wasn't what he wanted for her, but it had given him another idea.

"Water dragon jutsu..." I could swear I saw his eye crinkle a little as he said it.

"You are not seriously thinking about this?" I replied. "It's forty-four hand seals! That's a jōnin technique and most probably the largest hand seal set of all!"

"Well, for now, we can just start by water prison," he smiled.

He was kidding... or not! Maybe he was aiming to combine his ability with hers and do the lightning water dragon...

Seeing how incredulous I looked, he turned to Hiroki.

"Maa, you'd look so much cooler with a dragon though!"

She giggled.

I sighed loudly. It could still be either option.

"Well, I didn't come just to interrupt your irrealistic training dreams, but to tell you I'll switch roommate in a week, Kakashi. Considering the speed at which you recover, Tsunade thought that you'd be fine on your own by then."

"And who is going to replace me? Is nursing your new job?" Kakashi added naggingly.

I sat beside of Hiroki and held her hands. I knew that what I was about to discuss with her was a touchy subject.

"I learnt that the elders decided you shouldn't live under Kakashi's roof anymore..."

As I expected, her eyes darkened immediately. She looked away and nodded.

"Tsunade told me at our last meeting," she said in a low voice.

Kakashi looked at me in surprise. His eyebrow twitched a little before his expression became neutral again. He didn't know about that.

"I am certain you could do pretty well on your own, but since this Takashiro seemed to have been after you and that we still don't know why you were attacked yesterday, Tsunade would rather not leave you alone for now. If you are ok with that, I'd like to take you in."

"Are you sure it's ok? I mean... I wouldn't want to..."

She scratched the back of her head in discomfort, in a way similar to what Kakashi did. I found that funny.

"Hiroki, it would make me very happy," I replied.

She smiled. It was timid, but it was there.

I looked at Kakashi again. We did not discuss this, but I was certain he would rather see her with me than with some random shinobi.

"It's a good idea," Kakashi replied. "Like that, you'll be able to teach her those hand signs faster!"

His whole attitude told me that Kakashi seemed to think it was a good idea for her to live with me, but I could feel a slight irritation in his voice. I didn't know if it was because he still hoped that Tsunade would be able to convince the elders to let Hiroki live with him or because he wouldn't be able to barge in my apartment at anytime anymore. Knowing Kakashi, it was probably the second option. I sighed again.

"So you are not letting go of that dragon idea?"

"Not at all," he said playfully.

"Well, I guess she's your soldier... you know her limits better than I!"

"It's not coming out of nowhere. Look at this, sensei..."

He gestured for Hiroki to sit in front of him.

"Hiroki, sharingan!"

Immediately her eyes became red, and the black tomoe started to swirl.

"Follow me," he commanded.

He started the series of forty-four gestures slowly gradually increasing the speed. Of course, the chakra wasn't concentrated properly, but she kept up with Kakashi at an incredible speed. At this rate, she would be one day able to summon a dragon in less than twenty seconds... that was if she could concentrate her chakra fast enough!

I wanted to clap, but Kakashi didn't need any encouragement in his unreasonable undertaking.

"Enough for today," I said. "It's time to eat. Want to go for ramen?"

I heard a voice coming from a nearby tree.

"If I were you, I would think about something else, sensei; they already ate that today.." I was surprised. I hadn't seen the ANBU who had been resting in the tree above. It was weird to hear the unhidden lassitude in the voice of the elite shinobi. "Well, it's not my problem anymore. I am leaving them to you now." He made a small salute and disappeared.

Something told me that I would need a lot of patience to deal with Kakashi and Hiroki on a daily basis, but to see Kakashi alive and so happy, it was all worth it!


	36. Chapter 36: Hiroki: Moving On

**Chapter 36: Hiroki: Moving on**

If I hadn't yet realised that Kakashi and I would never live in close proximity again, moving in with Iruka made the notion rather concrete. I hadn't expected the separation to be painful but the knot that formed in my throat as I emptied my drawers, alone in Kakashi's apartment, told of a different story.

It wasn't as if I would lose much. He hadn't been there most of the time. If anything, with the private training sessions he gave to me, we saw each other even more than before… but I felt a hole; as if something had forcefully been taken away from me.

I remembered fondly our first days together. I had thought he was incredibly rude to everyone, but with time I came to understand that behind the teasing and the "couldn't care less" attitude was often hiding a lot of love. Maybe because he knew what kind of life I had before we met, he never teased me, but the way he protectively put his hand on my back when he presented me to someone new or asked my approbation after throwing a stupid remark at someone proved I belonged in his circle of friends too.

I dried my eyes and closed the last of the drawers. The place was quiet, empty.

I went to Kakashi's room and looked at the pictures on his night table. Those were his precious people. Placed in evidence at the front, there was the picture of team 7. I knew since our first encounter how much he cared for Sakura and Naruto. I remembered the Citadel. Back then, he didn't mind what torture he had to endure, just knowing they would be safe had been enough to put a smile of relief on his face. Sasuke was a different story. Of course, he had defected and because of this Kakashi couldn't express his feelings for him as openly, but he looked at the boy more like a lost soul than a traitor. I knew that if he ever had the chance to meet him, he would still risk his life trying to reason him once more.

I wasn't sure if I could be as generous toward this distant relative. Seeing the amount of pain and the vivid scars he had left on those who counted so much for me, I couldn't help but feel a vague disgust toward him.

The second frame, placed right behind the first, had always fascinated me. With his mask and white hair, the grumpy kid on the right was unmistakenly Kakashi. It felt weird to see him so severe. I had expected him to be a lazy but bright child, a bit like Shikamaru. It seemed he picked up the laziness later...

I knew the other three people in the picture had deep and lasting influence on the way he saw the world today. I also knew through Iruka that they had died very young. It pained me to see how many friends he had lost, but that was probably the case for many other shinobi. It was just part of the lifestyle.

I knew another two frames would soon join his collection. The first was the picture Naruto, Sakura and I had given him as a gift when he came back from his "mission" and the second was the one we had taken only two days ago at the ramen stand. Iruka was in the picture with us because Naruto had decided that Iruka was an honorary member of Team 7 and forced him to join us. He claimed that Iruka was as important to Team 7 as ramen, which for him was probably one of the highest compliments. Apart from the ramen thing, I mostly agreed with him. I felt he was one of us too.

At Iruka's apartment, Kakashi had kept both pictures by his side and looked at them often. When he did, most of the time his face wore a bright and serene expression, but at others, his face darkened suddenly, and he looked away as if trying to bury something painful. I didn't know what it was, but it wasn't like him to open up on those things, so I let it pass.

I watered Mr Ukki for one last time. No matter how much care was given to the poor plant, it never seemed to be able to become anything more than a stick with a few leaves on it. However, despite its inability to grow, the plant appeared to hold its own precious space in Kakashi's heart, and he would never give up on it. If he was able to show so much loyalty and care for the rachitic plant, maybe he wouldn't leave me behind once I moved out… I only shyly hoped that I too had become one of his precious people...

I left a note on the table, picked up my luggage and threw another look at the apartment. As I closed the door, I saw the shadows engulf the place that had witnessed so many happy memories. I locked the door behind me. A chapter of my life was closing.

::

When I arrived on his doorstep with red eyes, Iruka understood.

"I know it was a rough step to take, but it's the start of something new." He said caressing my hair. "Today, you may feel as if you and Kakashi are getting further apart because you won't live under the same roof anymore, but the link you share will keep on growing through lived experiences." I knew Iruka was right, but the pain was so irrational and visceral...

"It's stupid... I know." I said, my voice breaking over the words. I had the feeling I would never see Kakashi again, although I knew perfectly well I had a training session with team 7 in two days.

"It's not stupid, your relationship will be different, and that is scary." He brought my head to his chest letting me shed some of the tears I had been keeping in. "I'll tell you something. I know that Kakashi admires you a lot as a shinobi and as a woman and I am pretty sure he'll never be able to give up on you! Even when you won't be on his team anymore, I know he'll reach out to you, he'll always will." His voice was so reassuring that I wanted to believe anything he would say. He took me by the shoulders and looked at me, smiling. "Now, let's create new happy memories."

And that's what we did.

Iruka was strict at school, but he wasn't as stringent when he was home. He was very different from Kakashi. There was a lightness and simplicity in the way he lived despite how clogged his schedule actually was. Iruka was disciplined but flexible. He planned ahead and was always rational while Kakashi was totally undisciplined but a stickler for the rules who improvised most of his life. I guess one trait compensated for the other.

Iruka also often made tea, but in that too he was totally different from Kakashi. While Kakashi was instinctive, Iruka always drank the same eight or nine tea. He told me that, over the years, he had calculated the best temperature, the best infusion times, the best teapot for each. Instead of being a meditation, it was a science… a science he was really passionate about! I was certain he must have taken notes at some point but now had memorised the recipes for each perfectly.

Iruka knew Kakashi better than I thought. He understood his strengths in depth but also knew what the disorderly jōnin couldn't give me. He knew Kakashi was all over the place. There was no routine, no to do lists or task organisation. Because of that, I had to constantly think about everything. My mind was always full. Iruka taught me how to live an organised life in which my brain could be freed to achieve more complex tasks.

Iruka was always there for me. I was never left on my own. Each time I came back from training, he would ask me to give him a detailed account of how my day went. We laughed together at Naruto's antics or wined together about Kakashi. He always checked if I had any strains or injuries and taught me how to deal with them. We would share all chores even his grading (after you saw the same information over twenty times, you don't forget so easily!) or cleaning the mistreated kunai from school. While doing this, we would often put the music loud and acted out the lyrics of the cheesiest songs.

After a while, he started to share his feelings about his students, his work, his challenges, his deceptions. In only a few weeks, we had grown so close that it was as if we had always lived together, like brother and sister.

When he came to Iruka's apartment (and he definitely hung around a lot!), Kakashi was smiling and laughing all the time. It was a nice change to see him like this, but somewhere deep inside of me, it stung to feel him so close to Iruka.

I saw what it was for Kakashi to truly connect with someone. With me, he was giving, and I would take. Sometimes, he would ask me for information I was almost certain he already knew so that it wouldn't be so obvious, but what did I have to offer someone like him anyway? We were worlds apart! When he spoke with Iruka, there was a lively back and forth. Kakashi would look surprised, interested, skeptical... It was obvious Iruka could challenge him in a way I couldn't. It was the kind of closeness I had never been able to reach with Kakashi.

They spent hours playfully arguing or talking about matters I barely understood. I had the intuition that although he wasn't addressing me, Kakashi wanted me to hear those conversations, that, on a different level, some of the things he told Iruka were also relevant to me, but overall, they were out of reach.

Not only it felt like their complicity went beyond words, but there was that hidden layer I pretended not to see: all the furtive touches, the quick gazes when I would tell them I would go see Naruto and Sakura. I wasn't stupid. I knew very well what they meant...

I was conscious that Kakashi and I wasn't something that was meant to be from the start. He was an exceptional being — even among the jōnins he was considered a genius — but although I had no hope, it still hurt to see them so happy together. I had wished so many times I could put a smile on Kakashi's lips as easily as Iruka did and make his life a tiny bit better, but that wasn't the kind of relationship we shared.

I was but a child thrown forcefully between them. I was glad they never made me feel unwelcomed, I even felt my presence was appreciated by both of them, but I knew I was only one of the many satellites revolving around them.

Iruka and Kakashi belonged together, and I couldn't argue against that and if Kakashi was drawn to men, well at least it was closing the matter for good. No false hopes, no jealousy.

In the end, once I was able to put the twinge aside, I saw that Kakashi was finally happy. I was glad he could have that; he deserved it so much, so I hid my feelings and smiled... for both of them.


	37. Chapter 37: Kakashi: Alone

**Chapter 37: Kakashi: Alone**

I remembered the day I moved back to my flat. When I arrived, I dropped my bag on the ground and threw my flak vest on the hook.

The place was awfully quiet… and empty.

I was used to always have Hiroki around, cooking, practising a technique or just talking with one of my ninkens. Without her, my small apartment felt too big.

The dishes had been done, the bed made. The only things out of place were the piece of paper and the brush that were lying on the table. Coming nearer, I recognised Hiroki's neat script. I took the note and read it.

 _Kakashi,_

 _Thanks for making a place for me at your house._

 _I'll give you back the key when we meet for training on Monday._

 _See you!_

 _Hiroki_

The note was short and the tone happy, just like she was in everyday life, but I could see the hesitations in her script. She had paused after the word "house". The period was fatter than the other punctuation indicating that the brush had stopped longer there. There was also the slight difference in inclination and speed from the first to the second line as if she had been in a whole other mental state. She had probably wanted to write more but had changed her mind.

Hiroki…

I knew the decision to remove her from my care had hurt her too, but as usual, she kept her strong and cheerful facade.

I took the note, folded it neatly in place and inserted it between the pages of my current reading. A wave of sadness crept over me. I couldn't bear the thought of being alone in that place right now. I wanted to hear Hiroki's voice asking me why I was so late again or telling me with pride what she had done during the day. In fact, I wouldn't have minded if it would have been Iruka, or even Naruto or Sakura. I just wanted someone.

I bit my thumb and summoned my most loyal ninken.

"Oi, Boss! How are you doing?"

"Maa, I've been worse…"

The pug looked around. The house was unusually clean. It looked almost inhabited.

"I see," he replied with his gruff voice. "So Hiroki… it was today."

I tried not to react but it was hard. I sat on the sofa, closed my eyes and let out a long breath. It's not as if I didn't know it would happen. I should have been prepared for that since day one.

"I hear you thinking Boss! Don't you dare believe that it would have been better if she wouldn't have lived here from the start!"

That was exactly where my mind was going. That pug knew me too much.

Pakkun climbed on the sofa and sat beside me.

"That's unfortunate. It was fun having the girl here, but Iruka will make a great mentor for her."

"I know," I replied pensively. "It shows that he likes her a lot."

Pakkun put his paw on my thigh, looking at me with his huge pug's eyes.

"Kakashi, it's ok to be sad, you know?"

I pulled the dog over my lap and caressed his warm fur the way I used to do as a child, then let my body rest against the cushions and fell asleep.

::

 _ **Sorry for the short chapter. I had something longer, but it didn't feel quite right so I decided to split it in two.**_  
 _ **Next one will be more satisfying, I promise! :oD**_


	38. Chapter 38: Kakashi: The Bell Test

**Chapter 38: Kakashi: The Bell Test**

After that day, Hiroki and I trained together for a week. I was glad I had time to catch up on all the basics and show her practical applications for all that Tsunade had taught her while I was out of commission. Finally, she had started to look something like a good genin, knowing enough techniques to be able to be useful in a battle. I tried to forget the slight pain I felt when at the end of the day we split and got back to our respective homes. I wanted to defy orders and bring her back to my apartment, but it was Iruka's role to take care of her now. I had to accept it and let her go... and because it was to Iruka she went, I did.

Today, we were finally getting back to team training. I came to get Hiroki in the morning to make sure she understood that the rules had changed, that I would become harsher with her, but after a month of calling me by first name, the clever child had reverted back to honorifics without being told, greeting me with a joyful _Kakashi sensei_ as she opened the door. I remembered that this was one of the reasons why it was so easy to be with her. She could read beneath the underneath with a surprising ease and on the most sensible topics, there was never any need to explain anything to her. I called her a child because she was one of my genins, but she clearly was more mature than that. My eye crinkled as it met hers and we were on our way.

When we arrived at the training ground five minutes early, Naruto almost had a stroke.

"K... K... K'kashi sensei?! Did something bad happen?"

I laughed happily. Maybe I had overdone it with the lateness.

"No, really, all is fine."

But the boy kept glaring at me as if I was an impostor.

"Don't worry Naruto, it won't last. In a few days, I should be back to normal," I said my eye curving upward from my hidden smile. Naruto and Sakura both rolled their eyes.

We were back in our usual routine.

It had been a long while since I hadn't seen them train. We wouldn't have a real mission for another few days, but I wanted to see what Team 7 looked like after this month off. I knew they all had trained hard and I was curious to see them in action.

"Today, we'll make a variation on the bell test. We'll work in teams, girls against guys," I explained.

This sent Naruto shouting at the top of his lungs.

"Yes! I am with Kakashi sensei! There is no way I'll ever lose!"

I had the urge to drop my head in my hands in discouragement, but I resisted and chuckled instead.

"Wait a bit Naruto. To even out the chances, you can snatch each other's bells, but I will have to make you girls give them to me willingly."

This did not reassure the girls. Sakura remembered very well her first bell test and knew the odds would be even worse this time. I gave everyone 15 minutes to strategize. The girls went far enough so that we couldn't overhear them and I did the same with Naruto, dragging him even further knowing how loud the teen could be.

"So, what do we do, Kakashi sensei?"

I could see he was still celebrating his future victory. Maybe it was a good time to show Naruto the other side of the medal so he could understand the responsibilities of being a leader.

"You decide," I said joyfully. "You are the captain of the boy's team. I'll follow whatever plan you come up with."

He was astonished.

"You'll... follow anything I say?"

His eyes were sparkling. This could be dangerous...

"Well, I wouldn't do something you wouldn't be willing to do yourself, but I'll follow your orders as I would any team leader."

"Woah!"

I smirked. Only him could survive a harsh shinobi life and still be so enthusiastic about little things like that.

"Now don't get too excited and think of a plan."

I was wondering what the girls would come up with. I had a fairly good idea of how Sakura would go about it, but Hiroki could be a total surprise. My guess was they would attempt to divide us and make it two against one, but I was curious to see how they would achieve that.

After the fifteen minutes had passed, Naruto and I walked out in the open. The girls did the same. After a few attempt at hand to hand combat, Sakura showed an opening and Naruto ran for her. There was no other reasonable move for the pink-haired kunoichi but to try to escape and hide in the woods, a place where the blunt and energetic teen wouldn't be as comfortable.

I was surprised to see, Sakura coming out of the opposite bushes as soon as Naruto had left. She had used a clone to lure him.

Not bad.

So, there I was. Alone against the two of them. Sakura and Hiroki nodded to one another and moved to my sides. Probably an idea of Sakura. She was keenly aware I didn't have a full 180-degree vision, and she was taking advantage of that by going to my left, hiding at the limit of my blind spot. Hiroki was probably there just to grab my attention on the other side.

I didn't want to lose sight of the pink-haired kunoichi, so I threw a few kunai at Sakura's feet to force her to move back into my field of vision.

There was a puff of smoke.

It was a clone. The real Sakura was with Naruto.

I turned to Hiroki questioningly.

"So, one on one with me? What kind of a plan is that?"

I walked toward her. She took a defensive stance. Something was wrong. She must have a strategy, she knew she had no chance against me... For the last few feet, I ran hoping to force her to betray her plan. If she had no way to deal with a frontal attack, she would lose the bell and it would be too bad for her. If she tried something, I might be lenient and give her another chance to come up with something.

As my arm made contact with hers, there was a splash of water and Hiroki disappeared.

Fuck!

That was a clone too... and a very good one!

I didn't have the time to wonder what was happening. Hiroki was right behind me, the bell touched her fingers, but I wouldn't let her get more than that. I grabbed her wrist and twisted her arm behind her back, but she was so slippery from the sweat that she managed to escape. She retreated to a safe distance, her sharingan spinning. Good. Her ability to defend herself had improved... but what would she do now?

Surprisingly, she threw kunai at me. I had to make a note to myself to teach her a few long range techniques because, even with her sharingan, she was a somewhat poor kunai thrower. I snatched one of the kunai in the air, and I could see a small change in her expression. Probably surprise.

"Hiroki? Is it really a good idea to fuel your opponent with weapons like that? You can do better, think a bit."

I couldn't believe she would be so careless in battle, even if it was with me. I wanted to believe there were some secret motives for her actions, but I was slowly exhausting all possibilities.

She knew she couldn't win in long range combat. In a last, desperate attempt, she ran toward me. I moved aside and pushed her back against a nearby tree, holding the kunai at her throat.

"Well, it's pretty much over for you," I said daringly. I looked at her in the eyes, but she wouldn't flinch.

Instead, she smiled... the kind of smile an enemy does when you have fallen into his trap, a smile that forecasted the enemy's doom.

It sent a shiver through my spine.

She moved forward. I was ready for anything but that, and I could only look in disbelief as she sliced her own throat over the kunai. I remained motionless as I watched the crimson liquid pouring out of the cut, hoping to see a clone dissipate, but it didn't. It was her blood on the steel. This was for real.

The panic coursed through my veins as my brain brought back images from those two days of torture.

 _Kakashi? Are you awake?_

I was back in ANBU. I saw the chains hanging from the ceiling, the walls painted in blood...

 _What are you dreaming about, Kakashi?_

Hiroki was lying on the floor a sword stuck in her body. Her skin had become as white as snow, drops of blood followed the curve of her lips... she was dead.

It was just like back then, she was talking to me, but I knew it wasn't her.

 _You're right, I am just an image... living in your mind._

Those were the very words she had said right before I was about to lose my mind... but I couldn't detach my gaze from the lifeless body in front of me. Losing a team-member, one of my genins, her in particular, there was nothing I feared more...

 _Open your eyes, Kakashi. The real one... she is safe._

Probably, but what would I see when I'd look at her? She got me with such a simple trick. Would she figure it out? Would she realise how weak I had become and leave me behind?

I knelt on the tile floor beside her lifeless body.

 _So that's what you are afraid of, Kakashi?_

I am too weak. I can't protect you. I knew I couldn't protect you from Konoha's politics, but it seems that now I can't protect you even when I am merely inches away.

I caressed her dark hair and let my fingers glide along her cheek, her neck... If this was nothing but a dream, then what I did didn't matter.

 _You know you need to open your eyes and face it. Hiding here won't change that._

You could have died, right here, in my arms...

 _If you think like that, they'll take me away from you..._

Maybe it's better that way...

There was a flash of light. I saw her on my doorstep, just like the day she had escaped from ANBU. Her eyes were wide and full of fear, her clothes torn and her hands shivering.

 _Kakashi... don't let them take me away!_

The sound of the bell brought me back. The shadow clones, the kunai, the one on one fight, it had all been planned to place me in that precise situation. I had spaced out for only a fraction of a second, but it had been enough for HIroki to steal the bell and jump away in the foliage. I sensed Sakura's chakra. She was probably there to heal her.

"Naruto," I said. "They are together now!"

That was the signal. A horde of kage bunshin ran in the trees. Naruto had been surprisingly patient, letting one of his clones fall into a trap, waiting for the girls to expose their plan, making a move only once they got together again.

They were surrounded and quickly surrendered.

"Congrats, team Naruto has won," I said showing a brave face, but deep inside, I was still under the shock. Fortunately, Hiroki was fine. The cut on her throat was barely a scratch... but what a daring move she had pulled off! "Congrats to the girls too. If Naruto hadn't used a clone, you might have been able to pull it off."

After this, we discussed some strategies they could have used, but my mind wasn't all there. Hiroki's little stunt had affected me more than I thought. It seemed my students were not the only ones who had work to do!

I dismissed the team for the day, but Hiroki stayed behind. She took the small bell she had managed to steal and handed it back to me.

"Kakashi... I am sorry for what I did during the bell fight. It was rude to you..."

She looked at the ground her hand hesitant. She had fought well, really well. She had severe limitations in terms of training, but she used that to her advantage. She did what she had to do.

I pulled her against me ruffling her hair.

"Don't worry about it," I said. "You taught me something important today... This was all your plan right?"

She nodded.

I bent a little so I could look at her in the eyes.

"Hiroki, you'll be a great shinobi. You've got the guts and the brains."

I was not lying to her. It would be exciting to see what she will become once her body would become as strong as her mind.

I couldn't wait to see it happen.

I dropped Hiroki home and took a cold shower, but I was restless. My mind kept dragging me to the training ground, reliving that short fight of ours over and over.

As I put on my gear again, I realized that my kunai holster didn't close as smoothly as it used to. I remembered the kunai I had snatched from her. In my adrenalin rush, I had forgotten to give it back to her. I took it out. The blood had dried on it. There wasn't much, only a few drops, but in my panic, it had felt as if she had bled to death on it.

I cleaned the weapon and sharpened it, removing the rust and the chips on the blade. She definitely did not care more for her weapons than she cared for herself. It was a cheap set Iruka had found in the school depot, but I didn't remember it being all that bad. I guess I made a lousy job teaching her that.

There was no way I would rest if I stayed at home, so I decided to go and see some old friends.


	39. Chapter 39: Iruka: Teacher Instincts

**Chapter 39: Iruka: Teacher Instincts**

It was a nice evening. The sky was a deep prussian blue and fireflies flew low between the tree trunks. Kakashi was standing in front of the memorial stone, his silver hair shimmering in the light of the moon. He looked just like a magical being in deep communion with the spirits. Even in such a private moment, he managed to look strong and intimidating. No wonder no one dared to bother him when he came here.

His shoulders straightened a bit.

I knew he heard me.

I walked to him and pressed my chest against his back craning my neck a little to rest my chin on his shoulder. My arms circled his body, feeling the strong abs and pectorals under the unflattering flak vest. I felt such a deep affection for him that I still couldn't believe he was mine.

His hands reached for my arms holding them locked around him.

"Iruka, aren't you supposed to be with Hiroki?"

By the tone of his voice, I could tell he had been hoping to see me.

"She's studying. Told her I had a few errands… What happened between you two?"

"She didn't tell?"

"Nope. That's why I knew I had to see you."

There was a short silence.

He took a breath and made a summary of what had happened during training, then kept quiet for a while before he was able to express what really troubled him.

"I am scared I'll let her die, Iruka. When I saw the kunai slice her throat, I blacked out..."

I understood where his fears came from all too well. Hiroki didn't know what ghost she had pulled out of him until the deed was done.

"You know it'll come to pass if you confront it. It's not the first time you deal with this..." I said trying to give him some perspective.

I felt a shiver run through his usually strong and steady shoulders. I rested my head on his back for a while trying to think of what I could say to change his mindset on the matter.

"In a typical fight, you would anticipate the enemy's move and see twenty steps ahead. You are a champion at that..." I said, "but what she did today was self-harm. You couldn't predict that. Unless there's a Nara around, you'd never expect her to injure herself. Today, you did not _let_ her get injured; no, today _she fought you_... and _you lost_. That's what truly happened."

His head bent further down. His hands fell to his sides.

"Maybe, but I doubt I would be able to do more on a battlefield... Tiger was right Iruka; I can't take care of her. There's a reason why they entrusted her to you…"

I forced him to turn toward me and took his hands in mine. His misery was too painful. He couldn't read "beneath the underneath" anymore.

"I agree with you, there is a reason for that, but it's not the one you are thinking of."

He looked at me half-intrigued, half-suspicious. I continued:

"Did it ever occur to you that Danzō and the elders might be afraid of how strong you'll become if you two stay together? I mean, it's obvious they are not completely over what happened with the Uchiha, and a free-thinker like you is also something scary to them. As a low-ranking chūnin, and a teacher with a clean reputation, they probably believe that I'll have a disciplining influence on her."

"They don't know you very well," he replied with amusement in his voice.

"Yep, they know nothing about me…"

Finally, a smile appeared on his face. It wasn't the reassuring and warm expression he wore when he trusted in his abilities to confront all danger, but it was a start.

"Wanna know what I think about the situation?"

He nodded.

"I had quite my share of daredevils in my years at the Academy, and my teacher instinct tells me she needs to prove herself to you Kakashi… even if by doing that, she achieves exactly the opposite."

He didn't reply to me, but that meant he was thinking about it and this was all I had aimed for with this talk.

"Kakashi, I want _you_ to teach her. _You_ are the only one who can help her reach her full potential. I know quite a bit about ninja education, and I know they'd make her fit into a mould, teach her what they think every shinobi should know and disregard what makes her unique. You are the only one willing or able to train her the way she needs to be trained."

He looked away.

"Maa, I am doing nothing exceptional with her. I am merely helping her catch up..."

"Catch up to who? To Naruto and Sakura, or to you?" I said forcing him back into this conversation. "She is surpassing both of them in terms of alertness and tactical thinking now, but for some reason, you are still pushing on those skills."

His eye became wet, and there was a slight redness at the edge of his lower lid. It went straight to my heart. There was always so much pain in him, so many responsibilities on his shoulders... but I had a point to drive home.

"You'll have to admit it to yourself some day. You see something in her, and you are willing to do all you can to help her get there. No one else would do that for her but you Kakashi. That's why it _needs_ to be you."

His eyebrow raised a little.

"Iruka... I..."

I put my finger over his cloth-covered mouth to silence him.

"I don't care what you think or what the others think. You are the right person for her. I want you to remember that. Promise me you'll always be there for her."

He didn't answer, but his arms pulled me to his chest. Even when he was this fragile, he felt so powerful and reassuring. I didn't know if he would fulfil this promise, I didn't know if he would be able to, but he would try.

"And don't forget," I said my face half buried in the warmth of his flak jacket, "I'll be there to help you do this."

"I know," he replied, his hand playing in my hair. "Speaking of which, what's your curriculum for her?"

"Anything you wish?" I replied.

His eye sparkled with a malicious intent. I knew all too well where he was going.

"No! Don't tell me water dragon again! I told you it's way too ambitious for her. When will you start remembering that you stupid jōnin?!" I said whacking his head.

"Ow! It's because you hit me every time I think about it. I don't have any brain cell left to recall it!"

I smirked.

"I am sure there are still enough brain cells left for you to remember things like that, you genius!"

He took a serious air.

"The rest I need for _Icha Icha_ , you know."

"Yeah, yeah..."

"It's a deeply philosophical work, sensei."

There was no winning this kind of silly argument with him, but I didn't mind.

"Ok then," he said letting out a deep sigh. "Something else.. Please teach her to take care of her weapons."

"I will," I said smiling back at him.

He sat against a tree and pulled me by the hand. I lied against him, and we looked at the sky together.

"Love you, Iruka." he whispered in my ear.

Those simple words meant the world to me. I could feel my chakra dancing in my body.

I had unconsciously been scared that if I ever accepted his love, he would leave me shortly after. Me and my life were so boring compared to his. I wasn't a hero or a saviour. I was just teaching children and filling paperwork… but Kakashi didn't need any hero; he just needed me… no matter how improbable it felt.

"What are you thinking about, sensei? Are you still wondering if you should let me in or not? If you are, it's too late, so just tell me you love me and kiss me already!"

And so, I did.


	40. Chapter 40: Kakashi: Silent Killer

Chapter 40: Kakashi: Silent Killer

Over the next few weeks, rumours about Iruka and I spread like wildfire, and everyone looked at me with a knowing smile whenever I walked in the mission room. I wasn't mad. I knew where the rumours had started…

Iruka didn't even ask me what I thought about it. He just spilt the information. He said that he was too happy to be able to keep that to himself, that if the bright smiles he couldn't contain when I was around weren't enough for people to suspect something, then people would certainly notice all the small changes in his behaviour anyway. He did a pretty good job at containing his own leaks, and our relationship became a half-secret all around Konoha: well known in the higher ranks but invisible to anyone lower than jōnin. It wasn't like the usually strict and reserved Iruka to be so open about something like this, but if he wanted it, I wasn't about to complain.

The latitude it gave us in public was probably a good thing since it was hard to see Iruka alone. Hiroki and I shared approximately the same schedule, and when we weren't together on missions or at the training ground, I had several other assignments and duties of my own.

But, as usual, the girl was good at reading what was left unsaid and could sense (I had no clue how!) when I needed time with Iruka. She played with my ninken, went to ramen with Naruto and Sakura (which I always insisted on paying) or spent time with the other genin teams. Even more striking was the fact that she always told us when she would come back and put her foot on the door frame exactly at said time. With someone like Iruka as her tutor, it shouldn't have surprised me.

And then, one day, she started to ask if she could sleep at Sakura's or at Ino's PJ party… I couldn't believe it. She had to know there was something between Iruka and me... or was it just natural that she made friends?

Those nights, Iruka and I would spend glued to one another his strong heart beating next to mine; we would talk for hours and catch up on all the sweet nothings we never said to one another. It felt so great to be finally able to give to him all this love I had accumulated over the years.

Nevertheless, being the three of us under the same roof was also something that filled my heart. When I looked at Hiroki with Iruka, or should I say how Iruka was with her The simplicity with which they interacted was the most soothing thing to me. He truly cared for her and gave her all he could. There was something that transpired love when Iruka helped people. He certainly wasn't an academy teacher because he didn't have the power to do better. I admired that in him.

For me, people were merely puzzles. I didn't care what they thought of me as long as I could find the path to transform them... but I was not lying to myself, with Hiroki it was different. I couldn't bring myself to be rough with her. I liked when she was around. There was a joyfulness and innocence to her that was contagious, something I was scared to break at any moment. She definitely made a cute little sister for Iruka. I remembered them in the bright light of the ramen stand the day they first met. At that time, I had hoped he would pull her away from me and keep her safe. He finally did... but for how long?

But more than seeing them together, I realised that the fact that Iruka trusted and loved me had transformed my soul. Hound had receded to a dark corner of my psyche while I basked in the light once again. My relationship with Hiroki became smoother too, more natural. I could relax when alone with her just as I did with the two others.

It was an incredibly happy time in my life. I felt like I belonged. I let myself love and be loved back… But then I always knew there was a cost to that.

One day, Hiroki and I got back to the apartment. Iruka was usually there to greet us, and the smell of delicious food would flood the place, but today there was nothing. Sometimes he still went to the mission room or had meetings with parents, but he would always let me know in advance, and I would bring Hiroki and sometimes Naruto and Sakura at Ichiraku. That night, I had received no such notice…

When I entered the kitchen, what I saw had the effect of an ice-cold shower. Iruka was lying unconscious on the ceramic floor in a pool of blood. He had fallen face first, not even trying to protect himself. His skull was probably broken, but it wasn't what worried me the most.

I rose my I-ate.

I didn't even have to check that he was alive, there were two bright glowing masses in his back. One of the main chakra pathways had been severed, and his chakra had gathered at each end.

There was no time to waste. For some reason, I didn't want Hiroki to see that gloomy scene, so I discretely summoned Pakkun asking him to find a way to clean up the place before we came back, then cradled Iruka's body in my arms and went in the main room.

"Hiroki, I found him!"

She ran toward my voice and stopped abruptly in the doorframe, a shocked expression on her face.

"Run ahead and tell Tsunade we found him unconscious. I'll carry him to the hospital."

She quickly nodded and disappear.

I jumped over the roofs as fast as I could without disturbing the fragile body in my arms. Iruka lived very close to the Hokage tower, but tonight it felt so far away.

 _Please, not today Iruka._

 _Please, live a while longer for me._

When I arrived at the Hokage tower, I realised how much everyone in Konoha cared for Iruka. I had nothing to say or ask, every door on my path opened automatically, and people rushed to prepare as best as they could in case they were needed. Tsunade had rushed down to meet us.

"What is it Kakashi?"

"One of the main chakra pathways, the one right behind the heart, has been severed."

Her brows twitched slightly, but she was in mission mode. She wouldn't let herself flinch until he was out of danger... or dead.

"I have no time to call a Hyuga, come with me Brat!" She said pulling firmly on my forearm.

I threw a glance at Hiroki.

"Wait here," I said, trying to sound calmer than I was. "I'll give you news as soon as I can."

I rushed into the surgery room right behind Tsunade.

I laid Iruka down on the clean stainless steel table. The nurses busied themselves around him removing his flak vest and cutting his shirt. We were surrounded with bursts of short but precise commands, but I couldn't hear them. Iruka's face was so pale, his body so unresponsive. I have seen people die on the battlefield, but this looked unreal, just like a dream. I couldn't bear to watch as they prepared his body for the major surgery they were about to perform, so I just sat in a far corner and closed my eyes.

My thoughts drifted to Hiroki. How would she take it if he were to die tonight? I couldn't leave her alone on the other side of that door. I had already left Pakkun at Iruka's apartment, but I could still summon the others. I gathered my chakra and called Ūhei. The ninken had a softer side and probably was the best in those situations. I looked at him disappearing through the door and let out a deep sigh.

"Kakashi?"

Was it Tsunade? It probably was, but my body was lost in a soothing numbness, unwilling to move.

"Kakashi!"

I felt a strong arm pulling on my vest. I was on my feet without even having to make the effort. Tsunade pushed me to the operating table. My hand made contact with the cold metallic surface.

I gasped.

Iruka was tied down, chest on the table and head twisted on the side. A group of nurses was working on a mean skull fracture. Just like a twisted jigsaw puzzle, they picked up the pieces of bones and healed them in place. Fortunately, this had been the only major wound he had sustained in his fall. The rest of his body looked alright, but his usually warm golden skin looked clammy and pale.

I didn't know why I had been under the impression that he would die slowly, that we would have ample time to say our goodbyes. Part of me had believed I would be able to hold him and tell him how much he meant to me before he left... But that was the nature of his illness; he would leave me suddenly, without warning. Maybe this morning had been the last time I would never again hear his soft voice or his bright smile. Maybe we had arrived too late.

"So, where is it?"

I heard Tsunade's voice, but my mind wouldn't react. For the first time, I was truly scared. I clasped my hands together to stop the shaking and took slow and even breaths. I had to convince myself if I didn't want to collapse here and now. This was not happening. He would be fine...

"Hatake! Snap out of it! Tell me where's the injury! I need you!"

The hit on the back of my head finally brought me back.

The tomoe spun, and I saw it again. The pools of chakra had grown worse, way worse. If anything could be done, now was the time to do it.

Tsunade worked for over an hour before she dismissed me and I walked out of the room completely drained.

In the waiting room, Hiroki was petting Ūhei in her lap. When she heard the door, she raised her head.

"How... is he?" she asked hesitantly.

"He's not great, but he'll get over it. Tsunade is keeping him for the night at least."

She didn't know he had not much longer to live. To her, it was a relief, but to me, that news was devastating. I could have just gone back home and cried after this, but for some reason, I longed to have Hiroki's company. I wanted to hug her and ask her to heal my pain, but I couldn't let her do this. It wasn't her role.

Or was it?

"Hiroki," I asked, "would you do me a favour?"

"Yes?" She said looking at me with concern.

"Let's go train. Maybe if I teach you something I'll be able to get my mind off of this for a while."

She jumped on her feet, and we were on our way.


	41. Chapter 41: Kakashi: Fighting Grief

_AARGH! I started university a few weeks ago, and my life is so hectic right now! Every second of my life is either reading, writing, or resting from reading and writing. I've been able to squeeze some time for fanficting, but if it weren't for the fact that I've been writing tons of tiny sections all over the timeline of the story last summer, I would have been unable to keep up with this story. If you don't see updates every Thursdays, you'll know that I am not quitting, I am just intensely struggling..._

 _Chapter 42 is close to being_ done, _so that one will be there in a week for sure, but after that, wish me luck!_

 **Chapter 41: Kakashi: Fighting Grief**

We stopped by my place so I could grab two bokkens and we walked to training ground 3. The evening was quiet and being in that familiar setting with someone dear somewhat comforted me.

I didn't like the idea of teaching her such a lethal weapon (with swords, you either killed or were killed), but it was a weapon that didn't require much strength. It was all speed and precision, the very characteristics I had seen in her handwriting. I showed Hiroki the basic stances, the basic cuts and soon she was able to defend herself reasonably well. We practised for several hours until we were both completely exhausted. We sat against a huge tree and looked up at the moon shining in the dark sky. Now that my mind wasn't occupied anymore, it couldn't help but go back to Iruka. I saw his body lying lifeless on the operating table, the anxious nurses bustling around him. The pain crept back into my body, dulling all my senses.

When Hiroki turned toward me, she saw it. She knew there was more than what I had let on...

"You are not telling me everything," she said.

Put my hand over her head, but I did not ruffle her hair like I usually did. Instead, I caressed the side of her face my hand stopping on the side of her jaw, looking in her deep teal eyes. I swallowed. I wouldn't be able to say anything else without my voice cracking... but what could I tell her? The closest thing to the truth, an incomplete truth, at best.

"I..." Looking at her again I knew I couldn't escape this; I had to tell... "I was afraid he would die today... Thanks to Tsunade he didn't..." My voice was becoming a whisper, "...but I was so worried."

My eyes shut tight as if they could still keep the pain from spilling all over her. Slowly, she passed her hand around my back and the other behind my head. She brought me closer to her, slowly, as if she was afraid I would push her away. I felt her warm body against my cheek; then her hands gained assurance, one flattened over my cheek, the fingers reaching all the way up to my hair while the other arm closed completely around me. My body answered to hers without thinking, my arms reached for her as if she were an indestructible pillar, as if she was the only thing to which I could hang on to avoid being carried away by the flow of emotion. I felt her sadness, but despite this, she felt solid and reassuring.

I did not expect that. I did not expect that I could let go like that in front of her. I knew I trusted her but she was still my student, right?

She had that faint vanilla smell that reminded me of Iruka, I felt her warm chest against my head, the tip of her fingers lightly scratching my scalp, her arms around me making me feel safer than I've felt in decades. My breath synched to hers and my arms tightened around her. I felt a scary feeling rise from the darkest part of my soul; I looked at it evolve and grow.

It was desire.

My fingers longed to play in her dark and silky hair; my lips wanted to kiss the uncovered skin of her neck... Iruka was right. I had no other way of dealing with my emotions. It felt so wrong now. I hugged her even tighter, silently praying for her to save me from myself.

"Sorry," I said ashamed of all the thoughts racing through my mind, "I should be the one caring for you."

"That's alright. I too didn't feel like being alone tonight. Thank you."

I wanted to let go of a few sobs but swallowed them. All that pain, I shouldn't let it go... not in front of her.

"It's over for tonight," I said as I got up. "I am bringing you back home."

She took my hand and followed me in through the empty streets of Konoha. Once we arrived at Iruka's apartment, I quickly undid the wards, opened the door and tossed the keys on the table. I threw a glance at the kitchen relieved to see no trace of what had happened earlier.

Hiroki was still removing her boots when I broke the silence:

"Do you know if Iruka is still supposed to watch over you in case anyone shows up?"

"He is not telling me that," she replied shyly. "I guess he doesn't want me to feel as if I am only a mission to him..."

"Then if you don't mind, I'll take over for tonight and sleep here just in case. I can ask Tsunade tomorrow."

She was surprised.

"But, are you sure it's ok?"

I knew she was referring to the interdiction I had to bring her to my house.

"Maa... if they didn't want us to be alone under the same roof, they just had to phrase their injunction better."

A blush crept on her cheeks, followed by a mischievous smile.

"Thanks!"

I took a shower then prepared a place on the couch for me to sleep while she took the bathroom. When she got out, she wore a slack PJ with a tank top. It had been forever since I hadn't seen her in casual clothing, she truly looked like the awesome little sister Iruka deserved. It made me smile.

She frowned when she saw the blankets on the couch.

"Kakashi," she said. "Please, take Iruka's room. He would kill me if he knew that I let you sleep on the sofa tonight! I am 300% positive he'll be happy to know you slept there when he'll come back. It's not as if you are intruding or anything." She saw the hesitation in my eyes... "When you are here, you are part of the family!"

"Thanks, Hiroki!"

How much did she know about Iruka and me? I wondered...

My body was still seeking an outlet and looking at her with a frightening interest, especially since that extra layer of distance had been dropped between us. I could have preyed on her, but I didn't. I just gave her a small informal hug. I knew it was already too much, too risky, but I had a desperate need for it. She reciprocated. I felt a slight relief...

"By the way, tomorrow, don't leave too early if you want breakfast!" she added and left for her room.

I did the same.

Iruka's bedroom looked empty without him. Sure there were little details that were out of place that reminded me of his presence, like the open book on the night table or the pens lying on his desk, but it still felt different. I pulled the sheets and slipped into the bed. I smelled him as if he were there. I wanted it and feared it at the same time. I knew Iruka was something to be enjoyed while it lasted. I turned and felt the small depression in the mattress where his body usually laid. I curled up and cried silently.

This was too early! Despite all he ever told me, I deluded myself thinking that we would always have an extra 3 or 4 years. The prognostic was getting further and further from that. Instead, it might become a year, a month... It could have been today.

::

The next morning, I was woken up by the smell of grilled fish and miso. I could hear Hiroki in the kitchen. The noises were painfully familiar and reminded me of a time I didn't know I could miss so much.

I pulled a shirt over my head and headed for the kitchen. She greeted me with her wide smile that reminded me so much of him. For a moment, my heart twisted in my chest, but I quickly recovered. We sat and ate while having a joyful discussion. In this, our relationship was different than what it used to be. She spoke more openly, and I could see how much she had adapted to her new life in Konoha. I wasn't looking at a slave, but at a blooming young woman. We were almost done when she became more serious.

"Kakashi," she said, "your place is here... not alone in that dark apartment of yours..." She looked at me; her cheeks slightly flushed. "You guys should be together; you belong together..."

So she really knew...

"I have to stay with Iruka, but you can too. You are not someone who takes much space. It would make Iruka so happy, and it would make me feel... safer. Please consider it, even if it's only a few days a week."

I stayed silent. She knew about my love for him. It shouldn't have been a surprise since I was the one who taught her to be so observant, but I had forgotten how much of us she could see with her keen little mind. The pain was slowly filling me, flowing from my guts to every extremity of my body, but I couldn't understand why. My whole body felt numb, but my face stayed emotionless.

She sat beside me.

"You two are in love right?"

She had asked it. Iruka hadn't told her anything. I merely looked at her. It was all the answer she needed.

"You said it yesterday," she continued. "He could have died. We could have lost him forever. I know he hasn't been top shape lately. I am worried about him too and about what Tsunade might have found. Either of us could die anytime. Don't waste it. Having regrets about what one hasn't done in life is worse than anything!"

"Hiroki... I..." the words wouldn't come. I sighed unable to argue with her.

"Thank you," I finally replied.

She smiled sweetly.

The three of us together. I should have thought about it... No, it was a lie, I already did. I just wouldn't accept it.

"Sometimes," I said, "I just forget you see and know everything. If you had been an enemy, I wouldn't just have been cautious; I would have feared you for your perceptiveness," I said hugging her. Her soft laughter rang in my ears.

"You'd kill me before I had the chance to even think about a good plan!" she said and started to pick up our plates. I got up and helped her with the dishes. Conversation topics became lighter again, and I couldn't help but think of how refreshing it was to finally see her so happy. Was there anyone Iruka couldn't transform?


	42. Chapter 42: Hiroki: The Day After

**Chapter 42: Hiroki: The Day After**

I hadn't known for sure that Kakashi and Iruka were in love, but now that he had confirmed my doubts, I understood better what had happened the night before. It still felt so surreal though, so surreal that I could very well have dreamt it. Kakashi had cried in my arms. He had felt so lost and vulnerable that he had needed me as an anchor. Of course, there had been no sound, no sobs — true shinobi did not cry — but I saw a wet trail going from his eye to his mask glimmering in the moonlight.

I had cried too. I had cried for Iruka. I had been so worried that I couldn't keep it in. In only a few weeks, Iruka had become for me a mentor, a brother, a friend... I had also cried for Kakashi whose deep pain shook my whole soul. He was always so very strong, never letting negative emotions through… and in a few days, I had seen him falter twice. Once during the bell fight and once when he almost lost Iruka.

Now I knew how much he cared for everyone and the extent to which each loss tore a bit of his soul away. I knew that he couldn't afford to lose even a single one of us. Iruka, Naruto, Sakura and I had become as important as those lost friends whose names were now carved in stone. We were part of him. If any of us were to die, who knew what would happen.

This morning, he had looked nervous, but he was back to his old lazy yet alert self. I went to Naruto and Sakura and told them that Kakashi wouldn't be able to train us today, then ran to the hospital. I felt bad about hiding the truth from them, but Kakashi had convinced me that it was most probably Iruka's wish. When I arrived at the hospital, Kakashi was still in the room, talking with Iruka. I didn't dare come in. By the tone of the conversation, I knew I would be intruding on something I was not supposed to hear.

"I know it will happen, but I want to keep it the way it is."

It was Iruka's voice, it looked no different than usual. I was relieved. At least he seemed fine. Kakashi's voice felt different. It was deeper and more serious than normal.

"Iruka, I really think you should tell her."

Was it reproach I heard? Iruka sighed.

"Maybe Kakashi. Maybe I should tell her, but it's my decision."

"Well, anyway," Kakashi replied on a lighter tone. "This discussion is over for now. Hiroki, you can come in."

I froze. I forgot Kakashi was always aware of his surroundings and knew who was around by their chakra signature at all time.

"Maa," he said. "Don't fear, we were done."

Kakashi lowered his mask and bent toward Iruka placing a chaste kiss on his lips. Iruka's eyes became wide with confusion, and his cheeks gained a pink hue. Kakashi looked at me with a soft smile, then turned back to Iruka.

"She already guessed it," he said. "Pretending there is nothing between us in front of her is pretty much pointless now." He put his mask back on as he rose from his chair. "Sorry, I have to go to the mission room, but I believe you are well enough to walk already?"

Iruka nodded, a serene expression on his face.

"Then, I'll see you later."

Kakashi gave us one of his warm one-eyed smiles and left us.

Iruka patted the chair beside him in an invitation to sit down.

"Sorry," he said. "We should have told you we were in love. It must have been pretty awkward…"

"No," I said forcing a smile on my lips. "I am happy for you. As I said to Kakashi earlier, I believe you two belong together." It wasn't a lie. I truly believed it, but it didn't mean it hurt any less.

I continued.

"Did Kakashi tell you?..."

Iruka looked at me, intrigued.

"Tell me what?"

"I asked him if he could come and live with us…" It was my turn to blush this time. "Of course, the decision is yours, but I am ok with it," I said looking down.

Iruka was perceptive and frowned for a second.

"Are you certain it is truly ok with you, Hiroki? Now that Kakashi decided he wouldn't hide it from you, there is no reasoning him. If he's there on a daily basis, won't it be a bit much for you to endure?"

I was startled. Had he read through me? Did he know I had a crush for Kakashi still? I didn't think I let anything show… and I was determined to keep up the act. I made a wide grin.

"Well, Kakashi is Kakashi, right? I am kind of used to how exuberant he can be!"

Iruka smiled back at me, but there was still a trace of concern in his eyes. I changed the topic.

"And you? How are you feeling? We've been so scared for you yesterday!"

He told me about all the tests Tsunade had made, about the flirty nurses who tried to secure a date with him, but he didn't tell me much about his medical condition itself. He just assured me he would be alright.

He felt a bit stiff, but apart from that, walking was no problem. We went back to his house together stopping by the market to buy eggplants, edamame and some fruits. I tried to take care of dinner, pleading that he just got out of the hospital and should take it easy while he could, but Iruka was stubbornly independent and insisted to take the lead. Still, seeing my deception, he knew he couldn't completely shut me out.

"Ok, you can help. There's a recipe I've been wanting to show you for a while."

He took out a heavy stained book with a dusty cover. Iruka flipped the pages and stopped in the middle.

"This," he said, "is my mother's grilled eggplant recipe. I'll teach it to you."

I looked at the page. It was filled with a fine and even script that wasn't unlike Iruka's handwriting. I looked at him, intrigued.

"Yes, it's my mother's cookbook. I found it several years after she died…" He said that with a smile, but I couldn't help but back up a little. It was a shock. I didn't know his mother was dead.

"Don't worry," he replied. "I was very young when it happened. My parents died saving the village from the Kyuubi. Sometimes, I wished I had them by my side longer, but now I understand that they did it for me and for the village. That's why I try to live the best life I can. I am sure they would be happy to see their sacrifice was not in vain."

Suddenly, Iruka turned around as if he sensed something, then the door opened.

"Tadaima!" Kakashi said from the lobby. I heard him kick off his sandals and throw his flak jacket on the hook. He joined us in the kitchen.

"Okaeri!" Iruka smiled, but Kakashi's eye was troubled.

"Iruka, what are you doing standing up and cooking? You should be resting."

"I'm fine Kakashi, really! I am a bit stiff, but fine."

Kakashi walked toward us, ruffling my hair, then leaving a kiss on Iruka's forehead.

"Don't over do it, sensei. Both of us are here for you," he said lovingly looking into Iruka's eyes with a deep intensity.

I was happy they were too busy looking at one another to mind me, because my heart had just twisted painfully in my chest. I guessed I had to get used to this.

After the meal, Kakashi and I made the dishes together, and I earned the mandate to give some news to Naruto and Sakura. Of course, there wasn't much I could tell – I didn't know what happened myself – but I could at least report that Tsunade said Iruka would be fine. Kakashi also asked me to say to them there would be no team training this week, another thing I didn't know the reason for, but I guess he must have had his motives for not telling.

Of course, Naruto had jumped to the ceiling and asked to see Iruka right away. Sakura had a more contained reaction but was still concerned. I told them he was probably sleeping now knowing very well that he was certainly in Kakashi's arms and…

I just didn't want to think about what they were doing when I wasn't there.

I walked around the village a bit, killing time until 9 o'clock to make sure I wouldn't interrupt something, then came back home. When I opened the door, I saw Kakashi and Iruka on the couch, sleeping. Kakashi was spread on the cushions, Iruka lying over him. One of Kakashi's hand was placed protectively over's the younger man's head while the other was hanging, lifeless, off the couch.

As soon as I dropped my bag on the floor, Kakashi opened an eye, looked at me and closed it again.

I sighed.

"Kakashi, you two should sleep in the bed or else you'll be sore tomorrow morning."

Kakashi looked at me again then, tenderly, at Iruka sleeping against him. The love he felt for him visible in his eyes. But then I looked at Iruka's sleeping face too. His eyes… they were red and puffy… had he cried himself to sleep in Kakashi's arms? Why?

Kakashi noticed my reaction but said nothing about it. I supposed it was another of those things they would keep only to themselves.

"Gonna take a shower," I said and walked toward the bathroom. I felt Kakashi's gaze on my back, following my every move. There was more to Iruka's illness than what I had been told, but, again, I wouldn't ask.

When I got out of the shower, the couch was empty. Kakashi had brought Iruka to the bedroom. I closed the lights, put my PJ on and slipped under the covers of my bed.

I tried to sleep but couldn't. What was wrong with Iruka? It must be pretty serious to make Kakashi so upset about it... Because I could tell he was upset. On a usual day, he would have cracked a joke at the remark I had made when I came back. He would either have laughed it out saying I was overprotective or wined that he couldn't do a thing about it crushed as he was by the weight of the other man... but he had said nothing. Being so silent for him meant that he was thinking about something.

After a while, I felt a presence nearby. By the chakra signature, I could tell Kakashi was in the doorframe, but I kept my eyes closed.

"Hiroki? You're not sleeping?"

His voice was tired, strained. I sat on my bed and shook my head.

"Let's talk," he said gesturing for me to follow him.

We went out and sat on the roof. The night was warm but peaceful. Below us, all lights had been turned off; everyone was asleep. I did not check the time when I came out, but it must have been pretty late for Konoha's streets to be so quiet.

"I am sorry I can't tell you what happened. Iruka doesn't want to tell... although I really think he should."

He looked at me and put his hand on my back. Our eyes connected. His expression was unreadable, but I could tell there was a lot on his mind.

"I am going to go for a solo mission tomorrow. It should last no more than two or three days. Please take care of him."

I sighed. Taking care of Iruka was a nearly impossible task.

"You know he won't let me do anything for him, right?"

I heard Kakashi chuckle.

"Yeah, he's pretty stubborn about those things… I'll make him accept your help."

There was a tired smile on his face. He pulled me into his arms and hugged me against him. I felt dizzy. Being in his arms was the most comforting feeling in the world. I knew I shouldn't feel that way, but those were emotions I couldn't refrain.

"Thank you, Hiroki," he said in a voice so soft it was almost a whisper.

We watched Konoha's sky until our eyelids became heavy, then went back inside and fell asleep.


	43. Chapter 43: Hiroki: The Wait

_I am so tireeeeed!_

 _I hope this chapter makes sense. I think it does, but after all the forced reading I did over the last few weeks, I am not sure what makes sense or not anymore..._

 _As always, thanks for keeping up! :o)_

::

 **Chapter 43: Hiroki: The Wait**

In the morning, Kakashi was gone.

He certainly had a talk with Iruka before leaving because Iruka had let me help and asked me to follow him to his classes. It was pretty unnecessary, Iruka seemed mostly fine, but we both did it for Kakashi.

A day passed, then two. At the end of the third day, Kakashi still hadn't come back. On the fourth day, I was filled with anxiety, but Iruka seemed perfectly calm. Sitting on his balcony, he corrected the latest pop quiz sipping a warm cup of tea. With even gestures, he turned the pages one by one annotating the sheets with a few strokes of his red pen. How could he stay so calm? Kakashi was more than a day late!

I couldn't study, so I went to him.

"How do you manage it?" I asked.

He smiled.

"At first, I was like you, it made me anxious," he took another sip of the warm beverage and looked away for a while, "but I know he is alright. I can feel it."

I stared at him in disbelief.

"Seriously," he continued, "apart from gut feeling, if Kakashi ever died, he told me one of his ninken would come to me and tell me the news."

"He did?"

"Yes..." he said looking at the changing colours in the sky. "I think I almost died the first time he sent Pakkun to tell me his boss needed to move our appointment to the following day. I never felt so sick!"

His eyes had closed, and there was a happy expression on his face. When he was like that, I knew it was because he was remembering some fond memories. He seemed to have shared so many happy moments with Kakashi, so many things I would never know about either of them...

His attention turned back to me.

"In life, there is no fate, no destiny. Life and death, happiness and pain, are never bestowed on us according to our merit or faults. When death happens, it just happens, without reason, and everything stops regardless of your mission, your rank or the love you inspire in others. As shinobi, we can die any day, at any minute and that is the same for the people close to us. The only thing we can do is enjoy every moment spent together and keep those people alive in our hearts after they pass away."

He looked into the distance pensively, before going on.

"Take care of Kakashi as much as he'll let you. He might run away from you from time to time, but he'll come back, he always will. One day he'll realise and open up to you."

I didn't know what Iruka meant or what he saw in us. I had nothing to give to someone like Kakashi, no reason for him to be interested in me as more than a pupil... but Iruka saw things that no one else noticed and believing he saw our relation go on and grow made me feel very warm inside.

I brought more tea, and we worked together under the stars.

The following day was Iruka's day off. He didn't look more worried than the previous evening. He went on, doing his chores humming and smiling. I wished I could have the same optimism, but I couldn't. I tried to rationalise. Maybe Kakashi was just stuck somewhere because of the bad weather, or maybe he had just been playing it safe waiting for the enemy to be vulnerable or hiding until they went away to minimize the risk of injuries, but I couldn't forget the other possibility, not of him being dead — Iruka had made clear he would know through Pakkun — but of him being near death, fatally injured in enemy territory, without the strength to come back.

I felt a warm hand on my shoulder. Of course, Iruka knew how I felt.

Seeing I wouldn't calm down, he pulled me to the training ground for a spar. It was something we had never done together, but I quickly learned that Iruka was a mean fighter; incredibly technical and efficient. He played with me as if I were no more than a child, leaving no opening no matter how hard I tried to make them appear. I was surprised. Iruka would never brag about his talents, but I was convinced that if Kakashi and he ever did spar, Kakashi would need all his tricks and speed to get him.

However, I wasn't a quitter and was learning to recuperate quicker after each missed attempt. I could tell he didn't underestimate me and analysed my every move. After a while, the corner of his mouth raised in a wink.

"This is one of Kakashi's tricks, right?" He said avoiding yet another blow and landing a solid kick on my back. "Don't try to get me with those, I know them by heart!"

Well, ok. Now that I knew, I wouldn't try that... but that still left open the question of what else I could do. Unfortunately, the answer to that question was not much yet, and although I did learn a lot from Iruka, I couldn't truly counter him. When we stopped half an hour later, we sat down in the grass with our water bottles, totally exhausted.

"Kakashi did a really good job teaching you, but you need to find your own style. You know enough for that," he said his breath still a bit short.

Finding my own style... I didn't know if I could do that. Everything was already so incredibly hard...

"It was nice to spar with you," he continued. "I spend my days training kids. It's fun to be challenged once in a while."

That was far from what I felt — I hadn't been a challenge at all — but I still took the compliment.

When we came home, the uneasiness settled back. I helped Iruka finish to correct the latest quiz, but my mind would invariably slip out of it. It was late in the afternoon when We heard the door open with a loud noise followed by the sound of uneasy steps.

"Tadaima!"

Kakashi was back.

Iruka and I rushed to the main room, hoping he wasn't in too bad of a shape.

When I finally saw Kakashi, my attention immediately turned to Iruka. The jōnin was covered in blood, but I knew Iruka could tell the difference between a severe condition that needed hospitalisation and one that could be healed at home. Iruka inspected his lover meticulously, then smiled while Kakashi confirmed his diagnostic.

"Mostly not mine, but I've got a few scratches though..."

Iruka's eyes softened and looked back lovingly.

"Go take a shower, well look at that after."

His hand caressed Kakashi's cheek then fell on his torso. I turned to the kitchen, feeling I was intruding on something too intimate. I wanted to see Kakashi. I needed to see him well and alive, but it was Iruka he wanted, he was the one he loved and sought for comfort.

My time would come later.

I heard the bathroom door close, and it took only a few minutes for Iruka to join me in the kitchen.

"May I leave the supper to you while I patch him up?" he said squeezing my shoulder and giving me a friendly smile.

I nodded.

"Don't worry too much, ne. He'll be fine."

He turned to leave but remembered something.

"Just so you know, eggplants are Kakashi's favourites," and with that, he left for the living room.

Eggplants... I had never thought about asking Kakashi that kind of thing. I had only deduced from the way he ate or what leftovers were taken first what he prefered. I thought it was Iruka who liked eggplants since he bought them on a regular basis. I had never imagined it could be for Kakashi.

It just reminded me how little I knew about the man who had saved me. He always gave the impression that I was part of his life, that I was important, and because of that, I had the feeling we were close... but he cautiously filtered everything he said and remained, for me as much as everyone else, an enigma.

I threw a look into the living room. Kakashi and Iruka were sitting on the sofa. Iruka was putting bandages on a nasty cut just below Kakashi's shoulder. Kakashi looked exhausted and stared with a tired eye at the chūnin that was unrolling the gauze around his arm. Iruka spoke to him quietly, too low for me to hear, but Kakashi nodded. There was a vulnerability I wasn't used to see in the mighty copy-nin. He came back from all missions as if whatever happened never had any effect on him, but it was plain that what he felt deep down was different. Iruka made a bittersweet smile and took the wounded jōnin in his arms, hugging him tightly. I sighed and I turned back to my pots and pans. There was nothing else I could do.

When Kakashi came into the kitchen a few minutes after, his whole attitude had changed. That fleeting fragility was gone, and the walls he erected around himself were back up and strong.

"Smell good," he said his voice as warm as usual. He probably didn't notice I had seen him so troubled only a few minutes ago and now he looked as if nothing of this ever happened. I couldn't help but let my emotions show on my face. I was sad. I wanted a bit of what Iruka shared with him, but that wasn't my role. I was someone he protected, not someone to whom he showed his true self.

Seeing my expression, he looked at me caringly.

"Sorry I worried you..." he said ruffling my hair before taking me in his arms.

I let myself drown in the warmth of his embrace. Being in his arms hurt just as much as it comforted me. That's how much I loved him... because I knew that no matter how inaccessible he was and how much I should fight that feeling that would always bring me more pain than joy, I truly loved him.

I swallowed the tears I wanted so much to shed and hid my face in his flak vest.

"As long as you come back," I said holding onto him, "it's all fine."

::

 _Almost there! Two chapters before the chaos starts!_


	44. Chapter 44: Iruka: Living Together

_Hello everyone! Sorry for taking so much time to update. I am often thinking about you all and I can't wait to get back to this story on a regular basis. I've been so ill and exhausted in the last weeks. University is really taking its toll... and the fact that, for some reason, this chapter absolutely didn't want to be written didn't help!_

 _It's not perfect, but I am letting it go as is so that I can finally move on!_

 _Thanks for keeping up!_

 **Chapter 44: Iruka: Living Together**

I had almost died.

Even if I expected it to happen at any time, it still sent a chill down my spine to think about it. I told myself I was ready for this, but maybe I wasn't as ready as I thought.

It had been more than a week, but my body was still stiff and my arms numb. I recalled clearly Tsunade's sad expression when she finally told me that I would only partially recover.

I knew only too well what that meant... it would all be downhill from here.

I trained and stretched, followed all of Tsunade's recommendations, but my body was slowly losing ground over the illness.

I could still teach. Although sometimes, my pen would drop from my hand or I would lose sensation over half of my body, I still had all the reflexes needed to protect the kids from themselves during training. In fact, they were the ones who gave me the energy to push myself on harder days. When there were moments when the pain was insufferable, I just remembered why I wanted to be with them so much and smiled.

I had to remind myself that none of what happened to my body really mattered and the only thing that truly worried me was what would happen to my students and the other ones I loved if I passed away suddenly like I almost did on that day.

Despite all that I was going through, I still considered myself lucky. Living with Kakashi and Hiroki was a true gift from life. Hiroki was sweet, caring and hardworking. I was happy I was given a chance to live longer just because I got to know her better. It was inspiring to see her walk on the path of the ninja. Every day I understood a bit more why Kakashi picked her up. It was hard not to become fond of her. We spent whole evenings together, sprawled on the couch, studying reading or working... and nagging Kakashi for being so unreasonably Kakashi.

Now living under my roof on a permanent basis, the tall jōnin was like a big cat. Not the snobbish ones that look at you as if they are so much better than everyone. No, it was more like those very affectionate cats, the ones that always ask for attention when you are busy with something important and walk all over your papers just to rub their head in your face when you are trying to write.

Kakashi only did what he wanted, when he wanted no matter what I would think about it... and what he wanted more than anything else it seemed was to love me. I complained, but living with him made me so incredibly happy. I never thought he could be such a sweet lover.

He spoiled me whenever he was there, taking care of me as if there was nothing more precious on earth. He brought me to so many fabulous places I had never seen before; to all the festivals and concerts. He could sense when I was down and organised spontaneous meetings with friends at my favourite bar, quietly holding my hand under the table. He even wrote to me... abundantly! Leaving passionate notes at home, at school and even at the mission room, managing to put them in just the right spot where only I could notice them.

But it was when we were alone, when he held me in his arms and his hands would carefully trace every curve of my body, when he would whisper words that sent shivers all over my skin, it was then that I felt the most special. I felt loved in a way I had never experienced before and wondered what he saw in me to trigger such passion... but that's how Kakashi was; both loving and demanding. He took a lot, but gave a lot in return... and he gave me so much more than I could ever give back.

::

That afternoon, when I came back from school, Kakashi and Hiroki were already there. Kakashi was sprawled on the couch reading his infamous orange book while Hiroki was in the kitchen cooking.

Spontaneously, I went to Kakashi and buried my nose in his hair. I loved it, the smell of leaves and the forest that clung to him after he trained team 7, the softness of his unruly hair and that single-eyed smile he made whenever he saw me.

"You are still lazing on that couch? You could at least help her," I said teasingly after I pulled the book out of his hands.

"Maa... she won't let me," he replied with his usual lazy voice. Still, I didn't like the idea of Hiroki working like a housewife. She had been a slave for too long already. It was about time she learnt that chores should be shared... even when the only one to help you was one indifferent jōnin.

"Let's see what you were reading..." I said knowing how much Kakashi hated the cheesy tone I took whenever I read his cheap porn out loud. He straightened in panic.

"Please, no! I swear, she truly wouldn't let me!"

I smiled, amused by the pleading air in his eye. I was about to read the first sentence of a particularly juicy section when Hiroki's voice erupted from the kitchen, rescuing her sensei from a horrifying humiliation. "He's right. He saved me from one of Naruto's pranks. I owe him."

Well, I guess there was some kind of reciprocity in their arrangement. I knew it was best for me to give up for now.

"She should still pull you out of that perverted pass-time of yours!" I said lightly slapping the book on his head before turning to the kitchen. I walked behind Hiroki and looked at her working for a while.

"What are you cooking? It smells nice!" I said taking in the comforting smell of miso and coriander.

"Soup," she answered, her whole attention devoted to the task of cutting various vegetables into tiny pieces. "There were some forgotten veggies in the fridge."

"Let me help you a bit then."

Hiroki turned toward me and smiled.

I was reaching for another cutting board when I saw projectile flying in Hiroki's direction. I didn't even have the time to make a sound before she caught the small carrot bullet.

"Kakashi! Seriously!" I said looking at the lethargic jōnin lying on my couch. "How many time have I told you not to throw things, and even less food, in my apartment?"

I heard two bored voices answering me instead of one.

"Trainiiiing."

I should have guessed. That was Kakashi's vision of her instruction, and for some reason, she had not revolted and slapped the brat in the face. She just went with it as if it were a common household event. She looked at the orange vegetable pensively.

"Kakashi? Did you wash your hands before stealing my carrots?"

"Why would you ask?" he replied with a sheepish smile.

"Then, that carrot is not getting back in..."

She put it in her mouth and chewed it happily.

I let out an exasperated sigh... those two together...

Hiroki turned toward us, giggling, but stopped suddenly looking at Kakashi and his infamous orange book.

"Yuuuuuk!" she said putting her hand in front of her mouth pointing Kakashi's book with wide eyes. "You were reading that thing! Who knows what you did with that book! I really shouldn't have put that carrot anywhere near my mouth! You're disgusting!"

She turned to the sink and drank a full glass of water.

"Maa, I guess it's too late for regrets now, Hiroki chan!" he said provokingly.

She looked back at him with narrow eyes.

I laughed. Maybe there were limits to what she was willing to endure from him after all. If I had wanted to get into the details of Kakashi's sex life at that point, I could have told her that he never jerked off with his beloved porn — he truly seemed to read that thing for the plot. I could also have told her what Kakashi and I had done yesterday on the very counter on which she was cutting her carrots, but for that too, I didn't feel like getting into details...

::

We talked happily throughout the supper. I was always excited to hear news from Naruto and Sakura. They grew so fast in both strength and wisdom! I knew they would become great shinobi. I was certain they would be fine after I was gone. Hiroki was doing well too, but I could sense a fragility in her. She was strong, very strong, but her strength came from the people around her. That worried me a bit but seeing how close she and Kakashi were, I had some hope that they both would be ok in the end.

As was his habit now, Kakashi stood up, making sure to go to the sink before I could gain back enough strength to help him.

"Thanks for the food, it was excellent, Hiroki! Let me take care of the dishes."

He smiled and ruffled her hair before leaving for the kitchen.

There was always so much love in this gesture. I didn't know if Hiroki saw it, but it warmed my heart every time. She looked back at Kakashi with a radiant expression.

I was about to get up, but of course, Kakashi wouldn't let me.

"I believe you have your tests to correct, sensei," he smiled as he put his hand on my shoulder.

Hiroki got the message right away and brought my bag, my pens, and a few books. Sitting beside me, she opened her textbook on chakra manipulation. From the kitchen, I could hear the sound of water filling the sink and then that of plates and glasses plunging in and out of the water. I picked up my best red pen and started to correct the day's pop quiz. Eventually, Kakashi joined us, bringing tea and a few cookies then dived back into his little orange book.

After a while, I felt exhausted; dizzy even. The corrections would have to wait. I rose from my chair with difficulty, my legs barely able to carry me. Supporting myself with my hands, I was able to hide it from Hiroki, but not Kakashi who immediately gave me a questioning look. I could feel it in his eye, the worry slowly building up...

"Let's go to bed," he said finally closing his book.

Even though I was dizzy, I watched fascinated as Hiroki followed the suggestion as if it were an order and placed her textbooks neatly back on the shelf, then, went into her room to change.

Those two could be unruly and disorganised at times, but it was obvious that even in our private little family setting. Hiroki knew the difference between what Kakashi said as a friend and what he said as her sensei, and there was some kind of discipline going on about bedtime, studies and a couple of other things that had been happening completely under my radar.

I brushed my teeth and combed my hair, then whished Hiroki good night and went into my room. Kakashi followed, closed the door and traced a horizontal line on it with his thumb, activating the silencing jutsu we had put on our room for convenience. He removed his hitai-ate and sat on the bed looking at me while I undressed. I knew why he did this. It wasn't lust, but worry. The sadness I finally saw in his eyes confirmed my intuition.

I sat beside him, taking his hands in mine. He looked like a child, helpless and sad, but I couldn't do anything to comfort him. I could do nothing against the fact that death would slowly be claiming me in front of his eyes.

He was about to talk, but I pressed my finger to his lips lightly, stopping him before he could let out a word.

"Kakashi," I said looking at him in the eyes, "whatever, you are seeing, don't tell me. I don't want to know."

He gazed at me for a while as if still wanting to say something, but then decided against it. He buried his head in my chest and hugged me.


	45. Chapter 45: Kakashi: Old Friends

_Hi everyone! Long time no see!_

 _I have a few research projects I should get going, but I have been feeling pretty crappy lately and needed to work on this fanfic a bit. In fact, re-reading it, Kakashi's feelings are not too far from mine right now. It's lonely up there when you cannot share what you live with people around you._

::

 **Chapter 45: Kakashi: Talking with Old Friends**

Iruka didn't recover well.

Since the day we found him nearly dead on his kitchen floor, he was tired and took any stress very poorly. In his daily life, he was all smiles and gentleness, but I knew he was slowly leaving us.

I woke up beside him, my whole body covering his back like a second blanket.

I raised on my elbow and looked at him. His hair was damp, glued to his face. I touched his forehead. No fever, as usual. I didn't know why he sweated like that, he looked serene, he hadn't made any bad dream. It would have woken me up. He did that during the day too sometimes. I didn't know why... Tsunade didn't know either.

I felt a sudden illness overcoming me. A strong emotion overflowed my soul.

I knew I wouldn't be able to keep up appearances in front of Iruka if he were to open his soft eyes and look at me. My self-control would have shattered like glass, and the pain would have overwhelmed all my senses...

...so I went out for a walk.

The weather was bad. It was cold, humid, grey sky hiding the sun away. It was that gloomy time of the year I despised so much. The days were so short... I walked on the familiar mud path and turned right after the training grounds. I ended up in front of the memorial stone.

I needed to talk.

As I had done so many times before, my finger brushed over the familiar names.

 _Rin. Obito. Minato sensei.  
How have you been doing?_

I didn't want to sink into the sadness again, so I tried to talk about the good stuff.

The kids were fine. Naruto was doing well. Minato had something to be proud of. As for Sakura, Rin would be happy to see she was on the path to becoming an astounding medic, just like her. Sometime soon, she would be able to fix me on missions. In fact, she was already yelling at me because she thought I was never careful enough.

Hiroki did well too. She would become a good shinobi, I had no doubt, but living with Iruka showed me another side of her. She had never lived a normal life and, for that reason, she was quite unconventional. I had obviously not helped her to conform to any social norms when she had lived at my place. I really couldn't care less about that. As long as she was safe and — as much as possible — happy, all was good. Iruka obviously thought differently and tried to inoculate a sense of normalcy in her life, but he soon realised that there were some fights were just not worth fighting.

For example, everything she did, Hiroki literally did on the ground. When Iruka wasn't there, she scrubbed her soiled clothing, studied her manuals, whisked her matcha tea on the floor. The floor was "her" place; she owned it.

In my apartment, I had thrown a mattress directly on the ground. Seeing how she only climbed on a chair and used the table when Iruka was there, I was pretty certain she must have been shocked to have a bed at a proper hight when she arrived here.

I found that very amusing, but, well, it wasn't as if I was really better. I was perched on something most of the time. I looked at Iruka cook perched on the counter, I read _Icha Icha_ perched in a tree, and I soon found that I couldn't even sit properly on a sofa when we received guests. I felt compelled to climb on the armrest. I wasn't used to spending so much time indoors and the slight instability these positions gave me filled in for the need to always be on the move.

Needless to say that, between Hiroki and I, Iruka rolled his eyes.

We spent our days laughing and teasing one another. I was always either cuddling with Iruka or chatting with Hiroki. We were happy the three of us together. Happy like we'd never been before... at least I could speak for Hiroki and I. With what Iruka was going through, there was probably a lot of pain too, but he rarely shared it.

My heart sank thinking of the illness that would sooner or later take him away from us.

I took a breath. I couldn't avoid the subject.

 _I don't know how to tell that to you guys... but I am scared._

I rubbed my eye and scratched the back of my head. I looked away from the dark stone for an instant.

 _It has been over half a year now, and it seemed that each month takes something away from him._

For the first time in a long while, I wished they were here. Not just their souls, but their bodies too. I wanted to see the compassion in their eyes, feel the warmth of their bodies nearby, feel sensei's hand on my shoulder. I felt alone... truly alone. At least, they still listened. They always did.

 _It is... really bad now, Iruka is nauseous most mornings and can hardly finish his bowl when he goes to Ichiraku with Naruto. He used to be like you, Obito. When he liked something, he could be very intense about it. Naruto and ramen were his_ thing _. He could eat bowl after bowl, rivalling his ex-student, but... he can't anymore._

I looked at my hands; they were shaking. The emotions I held in were too much to bear. But I wanted Iruka to be happy, so I did that for him. I kept it all in. I closed my hands into fists and opened them again a few times, then, I took a breath and put them back in my pockets.

 _It hurts to see him like that. I don't want him to leave... The day he had to start using a cane was a shock to me. I saw him struggle, but this meant that even a simple activity like walking had become too much of a strain. His back was hunched most of the time, his voice had become softer too._

 _But despite all of this, Iruka smiled. He smiled as if each minute in this world was precious to him; each second was a magical moment._

 _I admire him for that._

 _I admire him for all he is._

 _Have I already told you that there is something that transpires love when Iruka helps people? He certainly isn't at the academy because he doesn't have the power to do better. He is there because that's what he has to bring to the world... helping people, pushing them up when they are down, putting them back together, helping them grow...That's why I fear the day he won't be able to teach so much. It will be like one of the last flames of his soul dying out._

 _And I am scared..._

 _I am scared that I won't survive it... when he dies..._

I let their silence weight on me. I could talk to them, but they couldn't answer. Rin, Obito and Minato were dead... and Iruka would eventually become silent, just like them.

I took my hands out of my pockets and brushed a finger over my dead friends' names again, then stood up, letting my arms fall to my side.

 _But those are happy time. I mean, finally being able to be with him, right? So that's what I should be... happy?_

I closed my eyes and thought about our little makeshift family. It was weird, dysfunctional, but it felt right.

I felt the drizzle on my skin. It was light but did nothing to help my mood. I stayed in front of the stone for a long while, as if waiting more would increase the chances that the ones who were gone would speak to me. It didn't.

I heard the sound of footsteps on dead leaves behind me. I smiled. I knew he would eventually come. Slowly, Iruka slipped his hands into my front pockets. They were cold. I shivered, almost yelped at the contact. Then I felt the weight of his head on my shoulder.

One day it would be the last time.

The last time I felt his body against me, that his dark hair tickled my face, that his deep chocolate eyes peered into mine. One day, it would be our last time together... and I may not even know it when it happens.

I wanted to cry, to break into a thousand pieces, but he was there, pressed against me, and I wouldn't let him see this.

I didn't turn back.

I wouldn't be able to hide the tears flooding my eyes...

But he hugged me tighter, his head burying itself in the back of my flak vest, snuggling to me for warmth as he often did lately. We stayed like that for a long time, long enough for me to calm down.

I finally faced him.

He put his hand on each side of my face and looked at me, his soft smile brightening that crappy day.

"You know what Kakashi... you and Hiroki, but really mostly you, have made me so happy. Those last months we spent together were the best of my life. I am sorry I pushed you away all of this time. You were right in the end. After my parent's death, I have longed for a family, and you gave me one. Thank you."

I pulled my mask down and kissed him. There was nothing I could say to that without reopening old wounds.

He had given me a family too, the first I had in years.

His face was deadly pale, and his cheeks were cold. The extra layer he wore over his flak jacket did little to warm him up. I couldn't let him stay out in this cold weather like that.

"You're freezing. Let me take you home."

Still smiling, he nodded and snuggled against my chest. I wrapped my arms around him and made the signs to teleport us home.


	46. Chapter 46: Kakashi: Black Rain

_**Warning:**_ _I don't know why, but I like to make Genma curse a lot... sorry!_

 **Chapter 46: Kakashi: Black Rain**

"Kakashi sensei! You're late!" shouted Naruto and Sakura in unison. They were standing, fists balled, a threatening look in their eyes. I didn't know why they still attempted to reprimand me after all this time, but, in a way, it warmed my heart to see that they still bothered. Right behind them, Hiroki was sitting on the bench silently. I had sent her ahead saying that I would catch up, but she knew I wouldn't. She probably even had a pretty good idea about what Iruka and I would be doing when she'd close the door behind her. I was almost feeling guilty about it, but it wasn't just about me this time. Iruka had needed it too. Of course, we had sex, but as I caressed his soft skin, I had also pushed chakra in his sore muscles, unclogging some of his pathways and giving him a chance to be well enough so he wouldn't have to take the day off. It was a tip Tsunade had given me when she saw how helpless I felt and it seemed to work well on bad mornings like this one.

Hiroki knew half the truth and pardoned it, but the other two had no idea of the fact that Iruka and I were lovers and even less of how sick Iruka actually was. I had to come up with an excuse.

"Maa... I am sorry!" I replied using my best sheepish tone. "I met a cute brunette and..."

"Don't bother Kakashi sensei," Sakura let out with a sigh. "Let's go train."

Behind them, Hiroki sent me a knowing gaze. There was no doubt that she knew who the brunette was. She could have told the other two that I would be late, but she had decided to stay silent about it. I smiled. Noticing our non-verbal interaction, Naruto and Sakura turned to Hiroki with questioning eyes, but she just shrugged and walked toward the training ground.

::

It wasn't long before Naruto forgot all about my lateness and became noisy again. It lifted the mood. Apart from Rock Lee and Gai, I don't think I ever saw anyone so eager to train. We were halfway to the training ground when something caught my attention. The sky darkened suddenly, and I saw thousands of dark arrows falling on us.

"Hide! Now!"

That's all I had the time to say. I retreated against a wall, crushing Hiroki under my weight. Naruto and Sakura were quick enough and found shelter under a balcony on the other side of the street. The arrows fell down injuring civilians who dropped the ground, helpless.

I looked at the sky again, no second wave for now. Hiroki was still behind me, stuck between my body and the wall, but she was alright. Sakura and Naruto were fine too. I was concerned for the civilians, but no one seemed to have suffered more than superficial injuries. I let out a breath of relief.

There wasn't much time to think, however. We had to react fast.

"Hiroki, Sakura, Naruto," I said hurriedly, "help the injured get in the tea shop. Keep an eye for what's happening above. If you notice anything let everyone know."

They rushed in the street helping those who couldn't walk and encouraging those who were too stunned to move. They did well. Naruto and Sakura were used to situations like this and kept a cautious look at their surroundings. Hiroki was efficient, but she was always too trusting when I was around.

"Hiroki!" I shouted over the noise of the panicky crowd. I tapped the steal covering my sharingan then pointed at the sky. She understood immediately. Her eyes became red and the tomoe span. I'd definitely have to teach her to be more careful. Otherwise, she'll never be able to protect herself properly. But with what was happening now, I guess it would have to wait a little. ..

When I looked back at those who had made it into the tea shop, my eye widened. Their wounds… That indigo colour... the arrows were poisoned with the same poison the missing-nin had used on Hiroki in the alley behind Iruka's apartment. The man had probably just come for some scouting and had a bad luck. It was reassuring in a way, but it also meant that whoever had planned this attack has been working on this for months. Now, there wasn't time to think about this either. We would need medics and quick.

I bit my thumb and called Uhei asking him to go to Tsunade as fast as he could, then helped my team get the civilians to safety, looking at the sky with worry. With the time the enemy took to prepare, they would shoot at us again. I was certain of it.

I felt a strong chakra signature coming toward us. It was another leaf jōnin. The corner of my mouth rose behind my mask. It was Genma.

He landed beside me, visibly out of breath. He probably had run the whole way from the edge of the village.

"Kakashi?" he said chewing on his senbon. "What the fuck was that?"

He was mad. I could understand that, I was too.

"Poisoned arrows," I replied hastily. "They seem to be coming from the south-east."

His teeth clenched around his senbon in rage. I was glad to have him around. When came the time to protect Konoha, his resolve and strength amply matched mine.

I was about to share my theory on this when I heard a high pitched sound from behind.

"Hide!" I shouted again pulling Genma under the edge of the roof, our backs forcefully hitting the wall of the shop. In front of us, the street darkened alarmingly fast.

"Fuck!" Genma's eyes went wide. There were still injured civilians lying in the streets. My genins each pulled one out of the path, but the girl… she was too far away. Even if I tried, I wouldn't reach her in time.

Genma couched and took his aim, spitting his senbon and deflecting the arrow that was about to fall on her. The girl screamed in fear, but she was safe.

"If I find the cheapshit who's shitting arrow on us, I'll fill his body with a thousand fucking holes!" he said pulling another senbon from his pouch and fitting it between his teeth. "Ain't no way to tell if they'll shoot again, right?"

"No, but we need to assume they will. We need to tell everyone to stay inside," I answered.

"Let's split this. I can take the north. It's mostly training grounds, so it shouldn't take that long. You can take the south-east? I know it's where the thick dickbrains live, but with your reputation, they'll probably listen to you without whining for too long."

I chuckled. He was right, with Intel and ANBU, I was the best choice for the sector.

"For the south-west," he said in a much softer tone; one that foreshadowed something I may not like very much, "we could ask your genin, the one with the sharingan… what's her name?..."

"Hiroki?"

"Yeah, she'd probably have the best chance to see that shit coming."

I didn't like the idea of sending her alone — she just showed me once again how reckless she was in these situations — but Genma was right, it was the easiest quadrant of the village, and she would only need to knock at the door of a few clans.

I called my team.

"Sakura, stay with the wounded until Tsunade, and her medics arrive. They should be there in a few minutes. Help them as much as you can. Hiroki, contact every clan starting from here to the west of the main street to the Academy. Tell them what happened here, it should be enough." After a moment of reflection, I continued: "Naruto, you go with her. We'll meet here again in twenty minutes."

They nodded and waited for me to dismiss them, but I didn't. I looked at the ground. I still didn't like the idea, but I knew Naruto would be able to protect her. Also, They were leaf shinobi; I couldn't keep them under my wing forever... I looked at them once again.

"Be careful of arrows, you two." I turned around and jumped away.

I couldn't tell them what was becoming an inescapable certainty in my mind. Those arrows were probably just the beginning of an organised attack against Konoha. People, probably a lot of them, would suffer and die.

This would be a dirty war...

::

 _ **Sorry, this one is a short one, but another (also a short one!) is coming soon :o)**_


	47. Chapter 47: Hiroki: To the Academy

**Chapter 47: Hiroki: To the Academy**

We ran. We ran as fast as we could.

Now I understood how solid of a shinobi Naruto had become. When he was serious about something, there was nothing that could stop him. He ran at a speed I could barely follow, but also seemed to be aware of his surrounding in a way that, even with the sharingan, I could not match. I did not have to tell him when I saw another batch of arrows falling on us. We just leaned against the wall and waited. I was so out of breath my lungs were burning, but I knew when Naruto looked back at me with a smile that we had to keep going. We stopped at every door giving simple instructions; taking the time to explain a bit more when we met with members of famous ninja clans.

Our last stop was the Academy. As soon as he saw the building, Naruto sprinted to the window of Iruka's class. I was pretty certain that Kakashi expected us to contact the headmaster directly, but I had no clue how I could have convinced Naruto of that, and there was no way I could catch up anymore.

He finally stopped a few feet from the window, unsure if he should interrupt or not. I looked into the classroom. Iruka was seated on a wooden chair in front of the children discussing one of the many battles that were central to the history of Konoha. The respect and pleasure were obvious in his student's eyes. They listened to his every word without a sound. It was a heartwarming scene, but we needed to warn them.

I pushed lightly on Naruto's shoulder. He understood and slid the glass pane up after knocking on the frame. Iruka looked at us. I could tell he had already known that something was wrong but had kept it to himself not to worry the children.

"Iruka sensei," Naruto said in a surprisingly calm tone, "there is something important we need to tell you."

Naruto walked to Iruka and talked to him his voice so low that it could almost have been a whisper. Then, Iruka picked up his cane and stood up.

"Hiroki san, you know my class well. May I leave them to you for a few minutes?"

Hearing him calling me by honourifics in front of his class always felt strange, but I knew why he did it.

"Of course Iruka sensei. You can go."

He smiled, but I could see he was concerned. He thanked me and walked out, relying heavily on his cane. It was plain that it had already been a long day for him too.

The students looked at me their little eyes filled with worry. They knew something unusual was happening. Iruka would never leave in the middle of a class like that. I needed to keep them calm and boost their courage. I walked to the chair Iruka had occupied a few minutes ago and sat down.

"Alright you guys. You are all shinobi, so you deserve to know what is happening."

It was surprising how the simple act of talking to them as adults could make those children responsible. It took only a few words to earn their trust and make them feel safe.

But I knew the situation would get much worse soon.

Behind their little back, they couldn't see the trails of light falling down on the lower part of the city.

A sense of dread filled me.

Fire arrows…

::

 _ **Another chapter is coming soon :D**_


	48. Chapter 48: Kakashi: Tears and Flames

_Merry Christmas!_  
 _Hope you'll all have a magical day full of love and happy surprises._  
 _And thanks for being wonderful, as always!_

 **Chapter 48: Kakashi: Tears and Flames**

When I came back to the tea shop shortly after Genma, the scene I saw was chilling. There were screams, cries; civilians had died, a lot of them, and their loved ones wept in despair. I should have thought about it. Hiroki was an Uchiha. It wasn't uncommon for elite ninja clans to train their children to resist poison from an early age. That's what had saved her. She had developed a poison resistance… the civilians had not.

Ten minutes and they were dying already.

As I stepped through the crowd, I saw a woman producing a sound that was halfway between a lullaby and a wail, holding her dead child in her arms, another was clinging to the body of a dying loved one, listening to his last words. It was chilling. I hadn't seen a scene like this in a long while, not since the last shinobi war. It brought back harsh memories, but it was the very reason why I was willing to sacrifice my life on a daily basis; so that these things wouldn't happen anymore. I couldn't do anything for those who were already dead, but I was willing to fight so that those who remain wouldn't have to lose another loved one.

I saw Tsunade frantically working with her team of medics, it many cases it would be a losing battle… Then it dawned on me. Where was Sakura?

I looked for her. There hadn't been many deaths in her life, even less any event like this one. Worse, she had the soul of a medic; she trained to save lives. I stopped, smelling the familiar stench of death and saw corpses piled down in a far corner of the room over and under the discarded tables of the shop. I scanned the room quickly. I recognised some, but none that I knew intimately. I had to find Sakura. How many of these lifeless bodies had she seen passing out in her arms?

I had to systematically search the place, pushing a few people away, but I finally found her. She was curled up in a corner, knees under her chin, her pink hair messy and her eyes puffy.

I knelt in front of her.

"Sakura…"

She looked at me. Her breath was short. She had been crying. Her whole body trembled as she moved toward me.

"Kakashi sensei…"

It had been a harsh experience for her. First times like these were never easy. I took her in my arms, pressing her head against my chest.

"Kakashi sensei!"

Her voice choked in her throat. She sobbed.

She had grown so strong since Sasuke had left, but she had never seen war.

"Shhhh," I said caressing her pink hair.

Her small arms tightened around me. That pain… I wish I could have spared her that. More than those lifeless bodies, the pain she was going through made my eyes watery.

 _Sakura, my little girl…_

But she was a shinobi; she would see scenes like this one again.

"You did what you could, Sakura. Even Tsunade couldn't save them."

Her small hands fisted in my flak vest, her head pushing in my chest. I held her a bit tighter. There was so little I could do for her. There was nothing that could lessen the horror of what was happening around us.

Tsunade tapped on my shoulder. I turned my head to look at her, keeping Sakura tightly against me. This had been hard on Tsunade too. Her expression was sad and exhausted. She raised her hand.

 _Meet me at the tower in an hour._

ANBU signs, I was surprised she had already learned that, but she was Hokage after all. She had to learn all there was to know about the village.

I nodded.

She signed again.

 _Thanks for taking care of her._

She looked with a pained expression at Sakura sobbing in my arms, then went away.

After a while, Sakura's breath became steadier.

"Let's go and help them," I suggested looking at the medics behind us. Sometimes getting back into the action helped.

She backed up, wiped the last of her tears with her forearm and nodded.

There was a lot to do. I didn't know much about that level of medical treatment, but, people kept coming in and just doing a proper triage of the wounded became an overwhelming task. I was busy, but I couldn't help looking outside for signs of the two other members of the team. I was relieved when I saw Naruto jumping off a ledge and head into the shop, but Hiroki was nowhere behind him. I threw a worried glance at Naruto, but he answered with a smile.

"Kakashi sensei, Iruka sensei asked if he could keep Hiroki chan with him. They are understaffed for the evacuation of the Academy. He said that you can send a ninken if you need her back."

I was wondering if Iruka hadn't kept her on purpose...

"Thank you, Naruto. She'll be more useful over there."

He knew I was always worrying about her and gave me an opportunity to leave her somewhere she would be safe; where they would both be safe.

I kept on working, but the place was starting to smell of antiseptics and fresh gauze... a bit too much like a hospital to my liking. I went outside for a little while and stared into the distance. It was really sickening to see the children and elderly dying so quickly. I hoped that Naruto and Sakura would be alright after this. It was not something they were trained to witness; none of us was.

Then, I looked at the sky again.

My heart skipped a beat, and my eye opened wide. I rose my hitai-ate not wanting to believe what I was seeing.

Fire arrows were falling on us.

I went back in and told all those who could still walk to go toward the hospital walking on the right of the streets. Most attacks had come from the east or south-east. The buildings would shield them.

Arrows fell by thousands and soon houses were burning and people rushing to the streets in fear. I tried to pull a water jutsu, but with the river so far from this part of the village, there was only so much I could do. I created mud walls and blasted them with powerful explosive tags so that the dirt would fall on the burning roofs. It did contain the fire to some degree, but this also lead to even more panicked civilians leaving their shelters for the streets. At least, they were all running for the underground tunnels. There they would be safe. There wasn't much I could do apart controlling the fire and making sure that everyone could reach safety. I picked up the one who fell to the ground, got rid of obstacles blocking the way. There were just so many of them...

Then, what I feared most happened. A dark cloud of poisoned arrows was coming toward us.

My heart twisted in my chest, what could I do to save them?

And damn! We were in a village of ninja! How come I was alone here? Where were the others?


	49. Chapter 49: Kakashi: Preparing for War

_Happy new year!_  
 _Yep, new year's eve and instead of partying with friends, I am posting fanfiction... I'm just dedicated like_ that ; _o)_  
 _By the way, thanks for the bunch of favs I received in the last week. You've been my sweetest Christmas present!_

 **Chapter 49: Kakashi: Preparing for War**

A large wooden dome covered the street blocking the poisoned arrows. I looked up. Tenzō was standing on a nearby roof hands still locked into his last hand sign. I backed up against a nearby wall and let out a deep sigh.

That had been a close one.

Tenzō landed by my side, still nervously looking above.

"Go to Tsunade. I'll take over with Sparrow."

I squeezed his shoulder lightly the way I used to do when he was my subordinate. Under the mask, I could see his eyes narrow from his hidden smile. He nodded and jumped back on the roofs.

I grabbed Naruto and Sakura — there was no way I could leave them alone in this hellhole! — and ran to the Hokage tower. The command centre was bustling with activity. People ran back and forth with maps or reports, barely avoiding collisions with one another. I left my students at Tsunade's door and walked into the office.

It was an impressive gathering. All of the jōnins that weren't out on mission were here, crammed in the small space. There was an unusual nervosity floating in the air. I was happy I left my genin behind. So many uncertain jōnins was anything but a reassuring sight.

For efficiency's sake, I took a space with the other jōnin sensei knowing full well that Konoha would need the strength of all its shinobi, even if they were only genin. Gai threw a side glance at me. He knew we were in for something nasty and it would probably be a lot worse having to go through this with our kids.

Finally, Tsunade hit her desk a few times to grab our attention. The room fell silent. She looked assured and strong, but I knew she was as worried as the rest of us. She stood up.

"Our priority is to protect the civilians. I sent ANBU on patrols to locate the enemy camp. So far, the enemy has remained invisible. As soon as the arrows are thrown, the archers disappear. If I called you here now, it is because I need your help to make sure that no more arrows can reach the village. We need to take control of a 400-yard perimeter around the walls of Konoha and hold it. From there, the village will be out of range."

She walked and stood in front of our small group.

"I wish I had any other choice, but the genin teams will have to participate in the effort to guard the front lines. With your teams, you will work your way from your assigned position at the wall and move onward until you reach the 400-yard mark. You'll make a camp there and guard our new extended frontier. No one and nothing must be allowed in. If they are returning shinobi, tell them to make the detour to the front gate."

She picked several other jōnin and assigned them to the same task. I counted the number of shinobi and made a rough calculation of the area we had to cover. We were stretched pretty thin. I didn't like that. It would be hard to keep an eye on Naruto, Sakura and Hiroki, but it's not as if we had any choice. I looked at Gai and could see he was preoccupied too.

Tsunade continued to assign tasks that ranged from controlling the fire that was still raging in the village to emergency clinics and the protection specific sites and groups. When she finished, she dismissed all of us, but she looked at me insistently. I stayed in place. The door closed.

"Kakashi," she said finally letting the tiredness out, "what do you think? Am I doing the right thing?" she said as she let herself fall down on her chair. I knew how she felt. I couldn't fathom why people wanted to become Hokage so much. Days like today, a single wrong decision could lead to hundreds of deaths or worse. I looked outside at the burning buildings. Despite the situation, the village was strangely calm.

"You want to wait until you can make sure the enemies are all at the same place, then strike and annihilate them. Unless there is some new information I am unaware of, I think it's a sensible choice."

I could see she was unsure. She rested her chin on her hands and looked at me.

"Kakashi, tell me the truth. I saw you flinch when I spoke earlier."

"I did. My duty is to protect my genins and worry for them… but yours is to protect a whole village. Some sacrifices are unavoidable. I would have done the same."

She looked down. She knew the genins would be an easy prey, but that's all we had. She got up and pulled a bottle of sake from behind a curtain. She picked a glass, then turned toward me wondering if she shouldn't take two instead.

"Mission," I said not waiting for her to ask.

She nodded and sat on top of her desk.

"Since it's only the two of us," she said, "there was something else I wanted to tell you... Jiraiya is back and is interested in taking Naruto with him at some point..."

I knew what this meant. In the best case, I would lose Naruto, in the worse, Team 7 as a whole. My heart sank, but I was not about to let her see that. I narrowed my eye and smirked.

"Well, it doesn't surprise me, he is his student's son after all. It would be a good thing for the two of them to spend time together. I think they fit well."

She laughed.

"Now that you mention it, they do."

We each took the luxury to get lost in our thoughts. For an instant I had the dreadful feeling that today was the last day of my life as I knew it; the end of a kind of happiness I would never taste again… but it was only a feeling, and I knew that even if I lost Team 7 after that war, the bonds we had created would live on. That and, with Hiroki and Iruka, I finally had a home to return to. I shook my head. There was no point in dwelling on such an unfounded impression at the moment.

I broke the silence.

"I guess I should go. Anything else you need to discuss?"

Tsunade bit her lip, leaving a trace of red lipstick on her white teeth. She sighed.

"War can't wait, right?… You can go grab Hiroki... Iruka is with her. He'll kill me if I don't let him see you before you go."

I chuckled imagining the insanely strong Fifth Hokage incurring Iruka's wrath.

"Take your time," she added. "I'll take care of the other two."

I smiled back and disappeared.

::

He was the first one I saw when I entered the underground shelter. Iruka looked tired, wrapped in a standard issue blanket, sitting on a large chair in the middle of sleeping children. I quickly signed for Hiroki to go and pick up her things, then walked toward him. When he stood up to greet me, I could tell he was barely able to stay upright. He immediately guessed how I felt and tried to reassure me.

"I walked a lot today. It'll be better after a night of sleep."

"Bet it will," I replied wrapping my arms around him. His legs were wobbly, his skin so cold.

I kissed his forehead. I knew I wouldn't see him for a long time.

"Just don't overdo it 'ruka love."

"I am not the one who will be out on the front lines eating rations getting barely any sleep," he said, the light still well and alive in his chocolate eyes. I smiled.

"Maa, I need to protect the kids. I can't die, sensei."

"So do I," he said looking at the sleeping kids behind us.

I hugged him one last time. I knew Hiroki was probably almost ready.

"We'll do our best so it doesn't have to become more than babysitting."

He chuckled.

"I love you, 'kashi."

"Me too."

::

 _ **Author's note:**_  
 _I KNOW!_  
 _Jiraiya took Naruto under his wing before Tsunade became Hokage, but I took the liberty to change the timeline a bit. I have good reasons for doing it._  
 _Please, don't be mad at me!_


	50. Chapter 50: Kakashi: Keeping Ground

**Chapter 50: Kakashi: Keeping Ground**

All the teams met at the border of the village, took their positions and walked straight ahead for 400 yards. To our relief, the enemy seemed to have retreated for now. I set up as many traps as possible while the others set up the camp. It would be a long and stressful watch, but I was relieved to know that Gai and his team were to our left. I knew he would put as much energy into defending my students as I would protecting his. That evening, we lied on our bedrolls hoping that this conflict would be resolved soon.

We had been lucky, and for a whole day, no one came near to our lines. On the second, I sensed a presence testing our defences, but nothing followed. I was keenly aware that making myself visible was most probably our best protection at this point, so I wasted as much chakra as I could spare in an absurd display of strength, relying on my reputation to keep them at bay. After all, I was in so many bingo books that it was improbable that they didn't know who sharingan no Kakashi was.

On the third day, the rain started. It was cold, but under the cover of the forest, still bearable. The tents were no luxury though. They limited our field of vision, but we had to stay dry as much as we could. Who knew how long we'd have to wait here still.

I was relieved to see that Hiroki was doing fine. In fact, she was more than fine. The waiting, the cold, the constant threat, it was as if all of this had brought her back to the Citadel. She was incredibly resilient and knew what to do to keep herself warm and safe. I could not say the same for the other two. Sakura was freezing and tired, barely able to warm herself with chakra. I gave her the extra sweater I had packed before leaving. It wasn't very warm, but it still helped. Naruto didn't have as much trouble with the cold, probably because of his kyūbi chakra, but his patience had run thin ages ago, and I had to constantly keep him occupied with small tasks to keep his morale up. It was late in the afternoon when I was called back to the tower.

This time there were only a bunch of shinobi in Tsunade's office. They were all close allies. I nodded to Shikaku as I entered the room. He lowered his head in acknowledgement; his whole body looked tensed. According to his concerned expression, we were probably no closer to an easy resolution.

"Kakashi," Genma exclaimed as he saw me. "So, front line with the kids, ne?"

"Yes, but they are doing great," I replied. "And you? How are you holding up?"

"Balls-deep into trouble, but otherwise, I'm fine."

Raido came behind him and put his hand on his partner's shoulder.

"Don't listen to him, Kakashi, he's been whining all the time since the rain started."

"Naruto and him have that in common it seems..." I answered.

Genma just shrugged. I knew he could take some teasing.

Kurenai made her way in.

"Kakashi, how are the kids?"

"Fine. Gai's checking on them. How about yours?"

"I'm worried about the cold, but since I'm here, I can at least grab some supplies," she said with her usual softness.

"Good idea, I'll probably do the same."

It was at this moment that Tsunade came in. She walked to her desk.

"I have a somewhat good news to announce to you all. We have found their hideout."

There were whispers of relief. No one liked the idea of waiting forever in this crappy weather. Now that we had that, we could move to the second stage of this war.

She unrolled a map before us and pointed at a hill well outside our perimeter.

"The problem is that since it is underground, it's extremely well guarded. There are only a few narrow accesses."

Shikaku moved forward to get a better look.

"So, if we go into that thing, they'll kill us one by one?"

"Precisely. We'll lose half our forces just getting into their base, and they'll probably kill the rest on the spot," Tsunade said, her red nails nervously tapping on the desk. "That's why I called you all here. We need to agree on a plan."

People remained silent, thinking of a strategy. I didn't have much more leads either, but I knew that if someone would say something, anything, the others would be less reluctant to share their ideas.

"We could close off the exits with an explosion. That would make them come out," I proposed. "It's not the cleanest solution, but a surprise attack could work to our advantage, and I doubt they'd be able to make an organised counter-attack in the confusion."

People nodded, and the atmosphere became a bit less gloomy. Kotetsu moved forward.

"Yeah, they'd have to either wait or blast their way out. That could work."

"Or even teleport," Anko added, "but there is only so far they could teleport, right? We'd still have the advantage in the end?"

"Well," I replied, "technically they could stay calm and wait in there indefinitely or use another exit we haven't discovered yet. This might work, but it might also just scatter them again and we'd lose our advantage. It's a chance we'd be taking..."

I could tell Shikaku had thought about that too. We both knew we needed something better, but what?

In a gesture that reminded me of his son, he scratched his head while a corner of his mouth pulled up. He traced a path on the map then shook his head.

"The best thing would still be to blow up the whole base and kill them in their own nest," he said apparently still thinking.

Kurenai slipped in:

"It would, but... there is no way to send someone there to place bombs and make that person come out unnoticed."

"We've already pulled our hairs over this and found none," Tsunade said eyes still on the map. "Any other option?"

People whispered, but no suggestions were made.

Genma, who had silently been chewing on his senbon until then, closed his eyes and spoke:

"The person… doesn't need to come out…"

A cold silence washed over us all. We swallowed. This meant suicide mission.

::

Back at the camp, I looked at Naruto, Sakura and Hiroki. I didn't tell what I knew. What was the point of discouraging the kids by explaining that five shinobi would lose their lives to save them?

I had no clue of who would be designated. What was certain was that whoever was chosen would have to be experienced and strong, presumably jōnin or ANBU. Even if we were able to catch them unaware, the enemy tunnels would be filled with traps and possibly highly skilled guards. Even for the best of us, placing explosives unseen would be a feat.

The children were only genins, they would be spared that, but I knew I was on the potential list of candidates. I was no stranger to suicide missions. In fact, I had things that were close enough to that as an ANBU. If it happened, I was ok with the idea of giving up my life (I might even have the slightest chance of getting out of there alive!), but I wondered how the children would react. I remembered how important Minato sensei had been for me, how much I had cried in secret when he died and how much I missed him still. I didn't want them to live through this, but being the kind of shinobi I was, they would have to face my death sooner or later… If it came to that, I would at least have some time to prepare them.

That night, I didn't sleep. I looked at the fire and kept watch.

I missed Iruka.

I couldn't wait for those damn ninja to be defeated and get back home.

I wanted to know he was safe and happy. Maybe I should have done a small detour to see him while I was at the tower. I couldn't help to imagine his lifeless body lying on the floor like on that long ago day… but I knew Tsunade watched over him. No matter how busy she was, I knew she took the time.

I looked at the kids wrapped up in their sleeping bags. I had brought back warm sweaters and more blankets for them. I had taken some for Gai's team as well. I remembered what Tsunade had told me. This was maybe our last mission as Team 7. The last time we'd sleep out like this together. If it were, I knew I'd miss them, but I knew they were all meant to achieve grander things and it would be selfish of me to get in the way of that. In any case, for now, they were still under my wing, and I would not let any harm befall them.

The next morning, I was summoned again.

When I arrived at the tower, Tenzō was at the door, dressed in his full ANBU uniform. He made a small salute, but it was uneasy. I knew something was wrong… or maybe I was reading too much into it. He probably had a rough couple of days too.

Tsunade's office was dark, and the atmosphere was chilling. None of us had been told why we had been called here. I looked around. There were only five of us: Ebisu, Raido, Genma, Shibi and me. Five highly skilled shinobi… the doomed number.

That was it? We were the ones chosen to sacrifice?

I could tell my comrades thought the same.

We waited for fifteen long minutes in complete silence before Tsunade finally came to us.

"Sorry to have you waiting!" Tsunade said rushing in. No one complained. We all knew how much work she had at the moment. "I have a special mission for you. I have chosen you to play the role of bodyguard and decoy for the shinobi who will have to enter the enemy base."

I saw my comrades' chests relax. The job was certainly better than a suicide mission, but I didn't know if I was much happier with the idea of escorting a human sacrifice. Having spent so many years in ANBU, I often saw people supervising mission like this. This was the kind of work that broke shinobi.

Tsunade went on:

"Your task will be to make sure that your assigned shinobi gets in undetected and cover him in case of problem."

I was starting to feel anxious. I wished I could opt out of that mission. If anything, it should be written in my file never to send me on missions like these. What held me together as a shinobi, and even as a man, was my ability to protect people. I knew that well by now. I really didn't know if I could take it… seeing one more person die and being helpless to save them.

But it was useless thinking about this; even if I'd ask, Tsunade wouldn't take me off this one.

"You will meet your assigned teammate at dusk at the following location and will have the night to discuss a plan. The attack will start at 8:15 sharp."

I took a breath and straightened up as she passed a paper to each of us. I memorised the information with the sharingan and burned it with a fire jutsu. The others did the same and destroyed their papers.

Tsunade looked at each of us. I knew what she was looking for. She was a medic. She was assessing our psychological state, already preparing to pick up the ones that would break from this assignment. I wouldn't let her read anything. It was a job, and I didn't want anyone's pity for doing it. We finally made eye contact. She squinted slightly, but moved on.

"I want all of you to be top shape for tomorrow," she said. "So, go home, take some sleep and gather fresh supplies… and, Kakashi, someone is already on their way to take care of your team. I will send a replacement for all genin teams soon. If you want to meet them afterwards, they'll be at the main camp."

"Understood," I said, somewhat relieved to know that my team wouldn't have to deal with this dirty war anymore. We had to succeed.

There was that same kind of resolve in Tsunade's eyes. The cost was too high for the plan to fail. Her hand curled into fists, then relaxed again.

"Good luck to you all!" she said before she walked out of the room.

She sent shinobi to war all the time, but it was evident that suicide missions were a different matter. She loved all of us, like a mother, and no matter how much she tried to hide it. It was obvious that it hurt. By making this meeting so short, she was trying to avoid her own emotions.

If there was one thing we all knew, is that Konoha wouldn't be the same after this.

I looked at the others. We didn't have much more to say. Genma and Raido looked at me. I wondered how much they knew about how I felt. They probably had no clue. It was Nakama goroshi no Kakashi standing in front of them after all.

"Fuck."

That's all Genma said before leaving the room.

Raido pressed his palms to his eyes.

"We've never done that. Have you, Kakashi?… I mean, you've been in ANBU before…" he said seemingly shy to ask about my past.

"Kind of…," I replied. "There's no easy way to deal with something like this."

He was worried for Genma. It was never a good sign to see him leaving like that. It worried me too.

I pulled Raido closer, wrapped my arm around him and spoke to his ear.

"When he comes back, take good care of him, Raido. He'll need you."

He pressed his head on my shoulder.

"I know… I'll be there for him."

He stepped back, and we looked at one another not daring to say anything more.

"Take care, Kakashi."

Raido squeezed my shoulder and left.

::

When I went out, I expected to see Tenzō again — the uneasiness he had displayed had gotten to me — but he was already gone.

I hoped he wasn't involved too much into this…

That would suck.


	51. Chapter 51: Hiroki: Guarding the Line

**Chapter 51: Hiroki: Guarding the Line**

Thirty minutes.

That's how long we were to hold the camp without Kakashi.

We all thought it would be easy considering that we saw no one in three days...

But now I realised that Kakashi's presence had been what had protected us from them all this time. Now that it was only three genins left to themselves guarding the line, the enemy took the chance to strike.

The traps Kakashi had set up were disarmed one after the other. We heard the sound of people walking through the leaves; then, there was silence.

I activated the sharingan.

 _Seven_.

I counted seven chakra signatures. It was more than we could handle. When I showed the number on my fingers, Sakura and Naruto's faces went pale. We wouldn't be able to take care of this alone.

I summoned Pakkun and sent him for reinforcements.

We knew what we had to do. We would force them to split, then attack.

Naruto created clones to draw their attention while Sakura and I masked our presence ready to jump at them as soon as they came close. There was a loud yell to my right. Sakura had landed a powerful punch at one of them. The other shinobi stopped, then ran toward her. I slipped behind them and attacked, throwing a few kunai in their direction. Two stayed back to fight me, but the other four continued to walk in Sakura's direction. This wasn't enough. She wouldn't be able to handle four… I could just hope that Naruto would be able to create a better diversion.

One of the men in front of me charged forward. I pulled out another kunai, waiting to see what kind of attack he would try on me, but he was getting close and still gave me no clue. By his chakra signature, I immediately knew he was strong, too strong for me to take on openly like that.

Five hand signs, I could still pull this off.

 _Tiger. Boar. Ox. Dog. Snake._

My body switched place rather ungracefully with the log I had marked earlier that day, but I was out of range. I had to take cover, so I ran, barely avoiding a throw of shuriken and jumped behind a giant rock. Quickly, I rolled into a tight space between two large trunks and erased my chakra signature. The two men jumped over the rock and made a few steps before realising they had lost their target. I held onto my kunai hoping that none would accidentally step on me in their search.

I listened for Sakura and Naruto.

Nothing from their side.

I had no clue if this was good or bad.

The only thing I could do was waiting.

Finally, the men gathered near my hiding spot, all of them, clearly pissed at the fact that we had been able to take one of them down.

Just _one_ down.

We barely managed to get out of this attack unhurt, and now, they knew our strategy. They were too many. I had no clue of how we could deal with them. In my heart, I just prayed that Kakashi would come back soon...

...otherwise, we were doomed.

The men eventually split in two groups. I could tell they knew where Sakura and Naruto were and were walking straight for them. When Kakashi was there, I would dare to try insane tactics knowing he was always right behind in case something went wrong, but now that he wasn't around, I felt paralysed. There was nothing I could do. My heart was beating strong in my chest; my head felt dizzy...

That's when I felt it.

There was a strong presence coming toward us; then three barrier shields appeared trapping three of the enemy nin. The light the barriers produced was blinding, and even with the sharingan, I couldn't see a thing.

I didn't know who that was, but that shinobi was on our side... and incredibly strong. I looked around, but as fast as it had come, the presence had disappeared. I quickly climbed the tree and hid there.

The remaining enemy nin took cover too, hiding from our unknown protector. The forest went silent for a while, then, several explosions shook the ground and echoing loudly into the woods. Their strength was so considerable that they forced me out of hiding. I fell from one branch to the next, barely managing to land on my feet. I had seen shinobi fighting, but this was something else. I had rarely seen such strength paired with so much precision.

This wasn't Kakashi. It wasn't Gai sensei either.

I became lost in my thoughts and forgot to watch out. I let a small gasp as I felt the blade of a kunai touch my throat. An enemy had sneaked up to me from behind. I went stiff but never had the time to react. In an instant, I felt my body pulled backwards while the enemy was violently projected to the ground. Even with the sharingan, I had seen nothing more than a blur.

I had hoped for Kakashi, but this was just as good.

I took cover behind a tree and searched for presences around me. The enemy nin was still on the ground, but his skull had been badly crushed. He would not get up.

Then for two seconds, I saw who it was that had saved us…

I couldn't believe my eyes. It was surreal, just like a dream.

Iruka was standing upright, jumping and running in full chūnin uniform. There were a concentration and a determination in his eyes I had never seen before. One of the enemy nin managed to break the barrier erected against his three companions, but Iruka did not even falter. He took our enemies out one after the other while I sat on the ground, frozen, unable to digest what I was seeing.

He was on par with Kakashi, that was for sure, but he worked in a completely different way. Kakashi was a shinobi in the truest sense of the term. He was concealed in so many ways; you could never know what was on his mind when he fought or what would be his next move. He took advantage of the enemies' lack of knowledge, tricking them or manipulating their minds to gain advantage. Even without his sharingan or his formidable strength, he was a terrifying adversary.

Iruka was different. There was no deception, no intimidation. He was just out there. I could even say that there was a certain honesty to the way he fought. He could spot an enemy's weakness with deadly accuracy and go into the opening…

Fighting with him, you weren't scared of being inferior; you just knew you were.

I was mesmerised. If this was a Konoha chūnin, we were far from even thinking about attempting the exams. Compared to him, we were truly nothing more than children...

After he took out the last of them, he checked our surroundings and came toward me.

"Are you alright?" he said extending his hand.

I could only nod.

He pulled me up and shook my cape to remove some of the dead leaves. Then, seeing I was still mute, he hugged me by the shoulders.

"It will be fine now."

I knew it would be. With him around, it couldn't be otherwise. He had just saved our lives.

Naruto sensing that the danger was gone got out of his hiding place. He made a few steps toward the clearing but, immediately, his eyes went wide.

"Iruka sensei? Y-Your... How com..."

Iruka let out a little laugh.

"You mean, how come I don't have my cane?" he replied as he scratched the back of his head with a shy smile. "Tsunade found a way to treat me for short periods of time. It might come in handy when things like this happen."

Sakura who had been following just behind ran to us. There was a sparkling joy in her eyes.

"Then, this means that there might be a way to treat you permanently one day, Iruka sensei?"

He put his hand on her shoulder and smiled.

"Yes, there might be."

I could see the joy in Naruto's eyes.

"Well, let's secure the camp," Iruka said looking around still watchful of his surroundings. "After we're done, I brought us some ramen."

It didn't take more to push Naruto to work.

ANBU came and picked up the enemy nin while we set up new traps. Iruka explained that when you stayed in the same spot for a good amount of time, it was a good idea to change the traps once in a while or set new ones behind the old. An enemy could always discover them and give the information to his teammates. That was why Kakashi's traps had been disarmed so easily… but, powerful as he was, Kakashi didn't even need traps. They were merely there to warn him that someone was coming. That's why he hadn't bothered to change them.

After our work was done, we all gathered back near the tents. The rain had stopped for a while, but the sky was still dark, and the leaves turned over from the wind. Iruka made a small campfire. Usually, it wouldn't have been a wise move, but it was freezing cold, and he felt fairly safe that no one would attack us so soon.

"You guys have done an amazing feat here," he said. "Those enemies were incredibly strong. I am proud to see you all grow like that."

Naruto looked down. He knew just like me that we were barely able to take out one of them.

"But Iruka sensei," he said. "For you, it looked so easy…"

He was right. It did… but Iruka wouldn't let him mull over such dark thoughts.

"You know Naruto, I was a lot like you when I was young," he told him with a soft smile and went on sharing stories of his youth. Naruto listened to him with awe. He didn't know his parents had died when Iruka was only a child; he also didn't know that his favourite sensei was a mean prankster. He had thought that Iruka had always been responsible, possibly studious, that he had never broken a rule in his life. But the reality was different, and together we discovered a new side of Iruka, one that made him even more exceptional.


	52. Chapter 52: Kakashi: The Promise

**Chapter 52: Kakashi: The Promise**

It had been some time since I hadn't slept for real and despite the urge to go and see Iruka, after the hot shower, I couldn't do more than set my alarm clock and fall unconscious on my bed.

When I got up, Pakkun was there, relaxing in his favourite spot on the couch.

"Oi, Boss! Tsunade wanted me to let you know. Team 7 has been attacked, but all is fine. The reinforcements took care of everything. They're safe."

I was glad Pakkun wasn't the kind to leave you worrying for the sake of suspense. If anything serious would have happened to them, the guilt would have killed me.

"Hiroki summoned you?"

"Yes. They all did as you told them, but those guys were strong."

I scratched the top of his head, and the gruff pug closed his eyes in appreciation.

"I should have summoned the pack before I left..." I said suddenly regretting not having spent more time setting up protections in case I would be called back. I never expected to have to leave them on their own for so long.

"Don't feel guilty about this, Boss. They are safe now... and Hiroki could have summoned them, you know."

He tilted his head to the side; his bulgy eyes fixed on me in what almost looked like a tender gaze. Was he... wagging his tail? Was he trying to cheer me up?

I must have looked like crap... At least, I felt like it.

It was hard to protect a genin team on the front, especially when you got so attached to them. I knew those three so well now. They were like my children...

...and at the moment, that extra attachment was taking its toll on me. But what was done was done, and the kids were safe. I had to move on.

I ate a light meal, quickly packed weapons and some ration bars, then left.

Not being late was the least I could do for the shinobi who would give up his life for us all.

As I jumped from one tree to the next, I couldn't help but feel uneasy. I was anxious to know who my partner would be. I could only guess that Tsunade would be sensible to the choice of teammates in this mission. It would be pretty mean on those willing to give up their lives for the village to pair them with someone they could hardly suffer. No, it had to be someone they would feel comfortable with...

... and that scared me.

I prayed it wouldn't be someone I knew too well. At the very least, I knew it wouldn't be Gai since he was never called back to the tower, but the thought still made me wince. It would have been awkward to be the one to accompany him in death and have the duty to record is undoubtedly overtly poetic last words.

I hoped I would get someone who was a bit more down to earth.

Then, there was the possibility of being teamed up with one of those too many girls who had a crush on me. That would be strange, but it would also make my role simpler. I could pretend... just for a night. With his compassionate soul, Iruka would understand that. In any case, there were lots of jōnin in Konoha, it could pretty much be anyone... and I would know soon. I was almost there.

When I arrived at the clearing, I saw a silhouette in the distance. My teammate was already waiting for me. At least, it was someone serious. The place was quiet. There was no one else around, no potential enemy hidden. I double checked, feeling for chakra traces to make sure we were really safe.

Then, I felt something that made my heart twist.

 _That_ chakra signature...

I landed on the grass, stumbling, but recovering quickly.

 _Iruka..._

He was as handsome as in his best days, standing straight and proud, hands in his pockets contemplating the view in front of him.

"Iruka?"

Seeing him like that brought back so many emotions. He has been ill for so long that I had forgotten what a formidable shinobi he had been.

I uncovered the sharingan. His chakra pathways were glowing with life, but I knew what caused it. It wasn't a recovery; it was just the effects of a soldier pill. His fragile chakra channels were filled to the brink. Even if he got out of there alive, the thinning arteries wouldn't survive the heavy stress. He would be dead in a few days.

He turned around.

"Kakashi!"

He rushed toward me, hugged me, kissed me, just like he did when I'd come back from long mission… no, just like he used to do before the illness claimed him. The memories of all the happy times we spent together, of what it was like before sickness, flooded back and tears threatened to fall from my eyes.

I had missed him... missed him so much... and now that I had found him again, he would leave us for good.

My body was frozen, my lips stiff under his. It hurt so much that I couldn't reciprocate his embrace.

Slowly, he backed up, his hands lingering on my shoulders.

"So, it is today..." I said unable to completely hide the pain in my voice.

That's all I was able to say. I had known this day would come, but it didn't ease the ache. I looked at his expressive eyes, his silky brown hair and the distinctive scar that went across his nose, all familiar traits that I would never get to see ever again at the end of the next day.

"Kakashi... I am sorry."

I did not answer. I knew what he meant. He could have told me beforehand, ask my permission even if my answer wouldn't change anything, but it wasn't the way it was meant to be. Lingering on this would have hurt us too much. His death had to be sudden. Just like removing a bandage stuck over a wound, he had to be pulled away from this world in one swift gesture.

His dark chocolate eyes peered into mine.

"Are you mad?"

How could I be... I would have done the same if not worse.

"No!" I replied; my voice half chocking in my throat. "No, I'm not… I am just… I know I promised… but let me… it's a bit much…"

The words tumbled incoherently from my lips, my brain still trying to assimilate what would happen in just a few hours. Finally, my arms curled around him. His body was warm and strong. I drowned in the familiar smell of vanilla and chalk, tracing the well-known curves the were uniquely Iruka's.

I felt his body relax against mine. Being together like this, it felt so complete, for both of us.

"I love you Iruka."

My arms tightened around him, my head pressed against his.

"And I missed seeing you healthy like this."

::

Sorry, I got into the habit of writing shorter chapters lately. I am buried under work, and smaller bursts of writing seem to fit better my crazy schedule... at least it makes me write more!

Let me know if it becomes too unpleasant.

As usual, thanks for keeping up! :D


	53. Chapter 53: Kakashi: Falling star part 1

_OMG! I'm so dying from school. I've been told that the first year would be by far the worse... Hope they are right! Meanwhile, I have no choice but to slow down with the updates until June, but I am not quitting! This fiction is my little oasis..._

 _And since I am into apologies, sorry for the strong angst and shattered dreams. I at least hope I got this chapter (and the few following ones) right!_

 **Chapter 53: Kakashi: Falling star (part 1)**

I had hoped that day would never come, that I would somehow die in mission before it happened, but deep down, I knew I was only cheating myself. People around me died… and I always survived.

"Shouldn't we prepare then?"

I asked the question just to focus my mind on a task, to numb it even if only for a few minutes from the pain that was threatening to swallow my soul. Iruka smiled, his unique and radiant smile. His eyes had a spark to them; they looked so brilliant and alive.

"No need to," he replied, his voice soft and calm. "I know the place from my time as a kid. I helped Tsunade plan the mission and gave the details to the others, so I got to pick my access point. It's hidden, and the enemy is probably unaware it even exists. All will be fine."

"The others?" I asked, forcing the rational part of my brain to step to the front again. "You mean you know who they are?"

"Yes. I can't tell you their names, but they are all older shinobi. No one you are really close with, I think."

So Tenzō wasn't amongst them. I was relieved.

His hand rose to my cheek in a comforting gesture. I felt like a child in front of him, so vulnerable. I couldn't help but avoid his gaze.

"Kakashi…" he swallowed uneasily. "If I did this... it's that I want to spend my last hours with you. I want the night to be ours…"

I held his hand against my jaw. It was so warm... Just like it always was before he became ill.

I swallowed looking into his deep brown eyes unable to say the words that would seal our fate. I closed my eyes and nodded. He hugged me one last time before pulling me into the forest.

It was only a few minutes before we stopped in front of a small opening. It was closed with a chakra barrier, but it yielded easily as I passed through. The cave behind it was like a little home. Bedrolls were stacked in a corner near a large flat rock that he probably used as a table. In the middle, there was a small fire pit with a few logs and branches already piled in. But what sent a twinge in my heart was the small water source. I knew how much Iruka loved onsen and the fact that he had managed to find his own little private pond made me smile. I walked toward the source and dropped my hand in the water. It was warm and crystalline.

"For how long have you known that this place existed?" I asked looking at him fluffing the bedrolls.

"Nearly a decade," he replied. "It was after my parents died. I needed a place where I could be alone. Once I found it, I decided I wouldn't share."

There was a childish pride in his smile, akin to the expression Naruto made when I praised him. Being always so responsible and organised, I did not often get to see him that way.

Iruka came to me and took my wrists in his hands. His eyes fixed on mine in a tender gaze.

"Kakashi, I love you. I love you more than I can express. I am so sorry to force you to live through this. I know it's going to be hard for you, but I at least want you to know that I cherished each day we have spent together."

Was this his final love confession? I didn't want to listen to it, but I knew I had to. Hearing him say those words, I felt a pressure in my chest; it tore my insides… He kept on:

"My life may have been short, but it has been a very fulfilling one. My only regret is that I will leave you behind."

He looked away, eyes full of pain.

"I am sorry. I am so sorry Kakashi."

He buried his head in my shoulder, waiting for his emotions to settle, then he pulled my mask down and his lips closed on mine in a passionate kiss. I smelled the saltiness of his tears, but I also felt the love. He pulled me to his improvised bed and pushed me down on it, then sat on my thighs, his knees on each side of my hips. Slowly, he removed my hitai-ate, brushing the rebellious strands of hair away from my forehead and, with the tip of his finger, traced the vertical scar that ran over my left eye. I tried to look away, but he wouldn't let me.

"Your face, Kashi, I want to see it."

My throat knotted, all was happening so fast that I had a hard time realising what was happening.

"Iruka…"

He pressed his index to my lips to silence me.

"You are so gorgeous Kashi. Inside and out. Please let me take care of you. I have a few farewell gifts."

I tried to raise my shoulders, but Iruka pushed me back, a devilish glint in his eyes.

"Iruka!"

I pleaded again. I needed him to wait for me to catch up, but he wouldn't stop to let me breathe. Knowing the sensei, I could tell he was overwhelming me on purpose. He didn't want me to think. He knew the pain that was lurking right below the surface of my consciousness, and he was stealing us away from it for as long as he could. His hands dug firmly into my shoulders, keeping me on the improvised mattress, but also grounding my mind in the moment. His face was flushed, his breath soft. His chocolate eyes had narrowed in lust. I was stunned, almost intimidated by his strength.

He chuckled, then very deliberately ground his hips against mine.

I groaned.

When he did it again, my body couldn't help but respond to his. That's all Iruka had been waiting for. His lips plunged on mine, and his hands roamed over my body sending my senses into another reality. He pushed his knee between my thighs applying a maddening pressure, then unzipped my vest discarding it away carelessly.

"Kashi, if you only knew how much I wanted to take you this way. How I loathed being so ill. I loathed the clumsiness, the constant pain…"

I knew that well. Although we still made love, the last times it had mostly been me making love to him. Even if I knew he was fond of the attention he got, I could sense his uneasiness at the fact that he couldn't pleasure me the way he used to. Every time, I had told him I didn't mind, but it never quite eased the pain in his eyes.

I helped him get out of his own vest and pulled his shirt away revealing the taut bronze skin that shimmered imperceptibly from the effects of the chakra pill.

He has lost some muscle definition, but he was still stunning. He didn't have many scars, but each of them felt as if it belonged there. As I kissed him again, I felt his hand going down my body sliding both boxers and pants off my hips in one swift gesture. Then he took my shirt and pulled it over my head.

For a moment, he stopped, as if in shock. Then his shoulders slouched and he brought the back of his hand to his mouth as if to stifle a sob. I saw the pain filling his deep brown eyes. I didn't dare to say anything. Who knew what he was thinking about exactly. He had so many reasons to cry tonight...

His eyes closed, his shoulders shook slightly. With his other hand, he traced the planes of my chest. I rose my hand to the side of his face in what I hoped would be a comforting gesture. He took a deep breath, fighting off the emotions before he spoke again.

"I… see you. You're... so beautiful."

His hand ran down to my abs, his eyes following it. The moment felt intense and intimate. We both had so much on our minds, but none of us dared to speak, as if we could still live in the illusion that he would still be there tomorrow; that this wasn't our last night. The heaviness of the realisation was suffocating… too much for me to bear.

"Iruka, don't look at me as if you'd never seen me before, it's… embarrassing."

The cynical remark left my lips before I could stop it. I was scared it would pain him even more, but fortunately, the corners of his lips rose.

"I'm sorry. It must seem to come from nowhere to you…" He closed his eyes, his expression softening as he spoke. "In the last few weeks, I've been starting to go blind... I could see enough to stop wandering kunai during practice, but my sight has been deteriorating quickly. For me it's been a while since I haven't seen you this way," he said with a hungry smile on his lips.

"So that's why you've asked Hiroki to correct your student's works…"

"Yes."

"You didn't tell... You didn't want to hurt me?"

He nodded.

So that's what had been happening... the small insecure steps, the fumbling hand when he took something...

But he didn't want to dwell on that and took back control lacing his fingers between mine and pulling our hands over my head. He kissed me again, this time deeper, his tongue exploring every inch of my mouth. The feeling of his supple, warm body moving against mine made me dizzy; I was starting to feel my erection hardening against his thigh.

"Leave your hands there," he said as he let go of my fingers, kissing his way lower and lower, reaching down between my legs. He licked the vein under my cock and blew on the wet trail as he played with my balls. My breath got caught and I jerked upwards, craving the friction. It felt bad. I shouldn't have the right to enjoy this so much knowing he had not much longer to live. I couldn't let go. I had to take care of him, treasure him...

But he knew.

He knew that I would fight this, but he wouldn't let me. He looked at me one last time before he swallowed me to the hilt, making me gasp from the sudden warmth. He didn't let me the time to adjust before he started to swiftly move up and down, creating a maddening suction that made every inch of my body tense. My head fell back, and the tears ran down on my cheeks. I couldn't help it and got lost in the mix of pleasure and pain. Waves of bliss washed over my body as he used against me all the tricks he had learnt in our years of passionate lovemaking. Tonight was both different yet exactly the same. He caressed every scar, knowing each of their unique story. There was no one who knew me like him, no one I had opened up to as much as him.

As he let me go, he turned us, forcing me on top of him. He nuzzled my shoulder, talking in my scent. He was as hard as I, and I could see the plea in his eyes when he faced me, his lips connecting with mine. I felt him push a tube in my hand. I smiled. I knew he loved it when I prepared him.

I poured the gooey substance over my fingers and slowly stretched him. As soon as the first finger broke through, he let out a loud, almost painful moan.

"Kashi! Please, more!" He twisted and pushed, slowly letting go of all control. His eyes closed, his lips parted in that unique way that I found so incredibly arousing.

I loved him; I loved him so much. Nothing made me as happy as when I was able to make him feel such pleasure. I felt his body losing itself in the feeling, arching beautifully beneath mine. I felt it tense as I pushed deeper and brushed against his prostate...

But today was the last time I would do this for him. The last time I'd make him feel that way.

My tears fell on his chest, but he didn't feel them.

After a short while, his body started to push on my fingers. I knew he was ready.

Still, I swallowed his cock, teasing him, not wanting to let this moment go, but we were both at our limits. I pulled away, looked at him one last time, and I slid into him.

I didn't want to forget. My sharingan was wide open, recording it all. I would remember him forever, his silky dark hair, his long lashes, his strong shoulders and the wooden dolphin pendant that had been my nightmare for so long. I'll remember his strong thighs, his comforting arms... the feelings took hold of me.

I kissed and bit, burying myself deep inside of him again and again trying to escape the feeling of loss that threatened to overcome me. When I felt his breath hitch, I slid my hand between us, caressing him. His body twisted, then tensed.

He fell over the edge and took me with him in a blinding orgasm that nearly made me pass out.

I dropped on my elbows then let my head fall onto his chest.

"Iruka..."

I felt his hands slowly snaked their way into my hair, the tip of his fingers lightly scratching my scalp.

"I know, I love you too Kashi."


	54. Chapter 54: Kakashi: Falling star part 2

_Usually, I'm fine without beta (and you guys are the kindest and have been pretty forgiving of my typos!), but for this chapter, I could definitely have used someone to read over my stuff. At some point, I felt it was maybe a bit too much and OOC, but I did my best._

 _Hope you'll like it._

 **Chapter 54: Kakashi: Falling star (part 2)**

As soon as I saw clearly again, reality came smashing back. I pulled him closer, my arms tightening around his torso. It was as if the ground was about to be swept from under my feet. The full reality of what was happening hit me like a thousand poisoned kunai. I took a deep breath but couldn't keep the emotions in.

"Iruka, I never loved anyone like I've loved you," I whispered my arms desperately hanging onto him. I promised I would let him go, but it was so hard to do.

"Trust me Kashi, I know," he said, his chocolate eyes warming even more. "I felt it each time we've been together, every minute. It warmed my whole heart and soothed the pain of seeing all my abilities vanish little by little, even knowing it would lead to this day."

His left hand lingered in the curve of my back while his right still played in my hair.

"I know I already told you," he said, "but sorry for not being able to stay with you longer. You deserve better. You deserve to have a loving someone who would be able to stay at your side until the end of your life. I fear I got in the way of that..."

I saw it in his eyes. The pain was there.

He knew what I was going through and what I would go through once he would be gone.

"Iruka... Don't regret it. It hurts right now... It hurts beyond words, but thank you for letting me into your life anyway. I got so much from you."

"So did I."

He took a breath and relaxed as he leaned on the cave wall. For a moment his soft brown eyes got lost in thoughts.

"My mother once told me that when we love someone we give them part of our heart and they give us part of theirs in return. That's why lovers long to be together to be complete. That's also why it hurts so much when we lose someone dear."

Even lost like this, he was beautiful, both in mind and body. His words were as sweet and loving as his soft caramel skin. Despite the obvious, I wished I would always have his words to soothe and guide me. As if he had been following my thoughts, he looked at me with a sad smile.

"When I'll go, I'll leave to you the memories of all the joy, of all the love we shared, but I'll also tear a part of your heart away... so that I can remember you on the other side."

He pulled my head to his chest, burying his nose in my hair, trying to soothe a pain that was just too big for me to hold. He kissed the top of my head before he continued:

"But when it'll hurts too much, when you'll feel like your heart is going to rip itself to pieces, don't forget that it is because you hold a part of me inside of you. Don't forget that I gave you a part of mine in exchange, so that it could heal," he stopped, swallowing loudly. "Remember, I _want_ you to heal, Kakashi... I want you to love again, to laugh again, to fuck again…"

His arms tightened around me. I felt the emotions rise, almost choking me. To do it with someone else... To give to someone else what I've given him...

"I don't want… I don't need… not if it's not with you…"

But of course he didn't let go; he never did.

"I am serious Kakashi, you have my blessing to do it… No, I am _ordering_ you to do it! Go fuck the pain away. What we shared is unique and magical, but tomorrow, it won't have to be exclusive anymore. Tomorrow, it will be over."

It was the very thing I was trying to forget.

It hurt.

"I am not that desperate you know…" I said trying to dodge the hit.

He straightened his back pushing me up at the same time. He put his hands on my shoulders, controlling the space between us.

"Sorry, I'll be brutally honest. Those are probably not things you'll want to hear, but I want to leave behind no ambiguity. This is the last time I can talk to you like that, so let me say it…"

He rubbed his eyes and scratched the back of his head. He rarely hesitated like that. It wasn't a good sign. I waited for the brick to fall.

"I think you do need an outlet… and that bodily stuff works for you. You could kill, invest yourself in work or something like that, but I'd rather have you seeking someone else's warmth…"

He was right, he knew me too well. His honesty was unsettling, but he didn't have the time to sugarcoat the reality for me anymore.

"Iruka, don't worry about me," trying to sound more secure than I felt. "It will be hard, but, with time, I'll manage," I wasn't just trying to comfort him. It was true. I believed that the pain would one day subside...

He looked down.

"You don't understand. I don't want you to manage. I know how you _manage_. You manage like crap Kakashi!" he replied, not daring to look into my eyes. "I want you to have your own life; a life without me."

There was frustration but I could also see the pain. His hands were trembling, his shoulders tensed. How hard must it be to say something like that to the one you love? How much strength must it take?

But Iruka was strong, possibly the strongest man I had ever met. Only him could be so determined to make sure his loved one would be alright after his death. He breathed in and calmed down.

"Kashi..." he continued looking at me as he would look at he would one of his students. "Those things, I know they hurt you. I'm telling them to you because I love you, because you are more important to me than anyone or anything else. Consider it as my testament, will you?"

"Yes..." I replied. Phrasing it that way, he knew I couldn't deny him that. I was forced to accept that I could not run away from this. "I am listening."

His fingers trailed in my hair in a soothing gesture.

"First, when I am gone — I am repeating myself again, but I want to be sure this sinks in — I don't want you to wait for death or be faithful to me in any way. I won't be your ghost. I won't haunt you, follow you or protect you from the afterlife. I won't be sad or jealous of what you are doing. I'll just be gone. That's it... I don't know what's after this life. I may get to see my parents again, but there may as well be nothing. In both cases, I won't be waiting for you on the other side. Do you understand?"

I nodded.

"You may want to talk to me at the memorial stone, bounce your ideas off me when you are stuck like you do with your old teammates. That is fine. If it helps you, I am willing to play that role, but I don't want you to wait for us to be united in death or anything like that."

He brushed the hair away from my forehead and kissed me, softly, almost like a child.

"I am serious about this. Not finding love again or not doing things because you still think as if I were alive by your side is a waste. I love you, Kakashi. I know it will be hard on you, but I want you to recover and find happiness again.

The tears fell down from my eyes, but my gaze did not falter.

"The other thing..." he said, his voice faltering a little. "I don't know how to tell you that… Hiroki…" he stayed silent for a while, but when he dropped the name, I understood. I lowered my eyes. I knew where he wanted to go with this. He held my hands in his, caressing the top of my palms with his thumbs.

"Despite how much you loved me — and I have never doubted you did — you two share… something..."

It was just like that evening at the cemetery when he had tried to push me toward her. He had told it to me then and was telling me again tonight: my future was with someone else. I remembered what I had told him back then...

 _Iruka, it's you that I want!_

"But Iruka…"

He stopped me immediately. He remembered it too.

"Don't. I don't want to fight with you about it tonight, but let me just tell you this..." those beautiful eyes were filled not just by emotions, but with an uncanny maturity.

"I have seen things… from you and from her… and you are not stupid, I know you've seen them too. What you do with this is yours to decide, but my opinion hasn't changed. You two bend the same way, you understand each other at a level I am not even sure I can grasp."

He wasn't mad or sad about the fact that he had sensed part of my soul belonged with someone else, but I still felt the guilt... although I didn't grasp the nature of the link that drove me to Hiroki, I knew Iruka understood it better than I ever could. He always was a step ahead of me, especially when it concerned my feelings. The sadness crept back on his face as he thought some more.

"I know you'll resist this. When I'll be gone, I know you'll feel a strong need to run away from her… but try not to. At the very least, make sure she's alright, that she has people around her.

You don't owe me anything, so I am not expecting you to do that for me, but you brought her here, she's your responsibility in a way."

I remembered the promise I had made to Hiroki after I had realized that she had spent hours watching over me in that hospital chair. I had promised to her, although it had only been a silent vow, that I would help her grow strong, strong enough that she would be safe, that she would be able not only to protect herself but also the ones she cared for. How many times had I failed her on that promise already?

"You are right, she's my responsibility."

"I know she is more than that to you," he said, a peaceful smile on his lips.

"Kakashi, remember what you told me on that bench a long time ago? You said: if you don't open up your own heart, others won't open up to you."

I remembered. At that time he still associated the kyūbi container with the loss of all he had.

"I desperately wanted to keep Naruto out, but you had convinced me to let him in and it was the best move I ever made. I was scared, but the richness of what he brought me was beyond anything I could ever have imagined. Keep your heart open… open it to her, will you?"

I couldn't do anything else than listen to him as he gave me his last bits of wisdom, laying down all he knew like a map for me to follow when he'd be gone.

"See, I don't worry about Naruto. I gave him all I could and I know he has become strong enough to move on after my death. He has you, team 7, and most of his cohort now acknowledge him. He is not alone anymore.

"You on the other side… You have been alone or abandoned most of your life Kakashi, too strong for people to realize that you too sometimes need a shoulder to lean on. The adults who were supposed to care for you after your father's death… instead of giving you what you needed, they used you as a tool. I can't be completely mad at them, it was war, but after that, it was too late. When Yondaime died, you were already becoming a legend, a figure that people leaned on for support. Since then, you've become a captain, a teacher, and now a possible future Hokage… Tell me Kakashi, who will be there for you?"

I remained silent. I had friends, people I could entrust my life to, but my soul… it was an entirely different matter.

"See, that's why I worry. That's why I couldn't turn you away although I desperately wanted to do it to avoid the pain I have right now."

Tears gathered in his eyes, making them shine with life.

"All that I have loved about you, I want it to survive my death, I need to know it'll live on. That's all I have. Promise me you'll try."

I took him in my arms, holding him probably too tight as if the strength of my love could be conveyed by the strength of our embrace.

"I'll do more than try," I said, further pressing my head against his.

It was already late in the evening. We had but a few hours ahead of us. We made love again and passed out in each other's arms, unable to escape the unavoidable.

::

 _I had a friend who passed away, someone very unique, for years she knew her days were counted, but she never lost hope and her bright laughter. The part about our loved ones leaving with a chunk of our heart is something she told me a few days before her death. She was right. Although it still hurts, she is now part of me._

 _This chapter was for her._


	55. Chapter 55: Kakashi: Falling star part 3

**Chapter 55: Kakashi: Falling Star (part 3)**

When I awoke, Iruka wasn't beside me.

My eyes opened wide searching the place in panic, but I soon found that he was still there, sitting on the ground and looking at the blue soldier pill in the palm of his hand. He knew that taking this last pill would seal his fate. In twelve hours or so his chakra channels would snap, and he would be gone. He could still step back and not take it — he would probably gain a few extra days — but this wasn't like him.

He took a deep breath.

Giving up his life was not as easy as he wanted me to believe. He had so many things that still held him down here…

Closing his eyes, he took the pill and emptied his canteen. By his jagged breath, I could tell that he was trying to bury away the tears. I wanted to go and hug him, to support him in what may be the most difficult moment of his life, but it wasn't something I was meant to see, so I kept my chakra even and fell back into sleep.

When he woke me up, I could tell by the light in the cave that not much time had passed. His smile and loving expression were back in place. He had not known that I was awake. He pulled me by the hand to his little private onsen in the corner of the cave, and we silently washed one another in the warm water. It wasn't the passionate showers we took back home; it was more of a purifying ritual. He was preparing to sacrifice himself for the village, and I was preparing to hand him over to the other world.

When we got out, I dried him off, massaged his scalp and the tensed muscles of his back. His body was ready for what was coming up.

I took him in my arms and felt the contact of his skin on mine for one last time. I breathed in the smell of sweet vanilla that always clung to his hair, but I knew I had to let go. He had a duty to accomplish.

"Kakashi," he said shyly. "May I... wear yours?" He was holding my shirt in his hand. Saying this, he blushed as if he had asked me something truly indecent. It was incredibly cute to see him that way... Kami, how much I loved him!

"'Ruka, it's full of sweat. Are you sure you want to wear that?"

He nodded.

"When I go there… to feel you beside me… it would give me some strength."

My deduction had been right; he was definitely scared.

I took the shirt from his hand and passed it over his head, kissing his forehead as his head popped out of the collar. He hugged the shirt I just lent him over himself, closing his eyes. For a moment, his face displayed a peaceful expression.

"Thank you," he said simply as he finished dressing up.

I dressed up too.

We wouldn't eat. There was no point when you were about to do what he was going to do. We left and walked toward the entry point in silence, each lost in our thoughts. I looked sideways once in a while. Despite the turmoil that was raging inside, he seemed resolute and strong. He was beautiful.

We stopped in front of a small opening. This was it. He would have to go in. He raised on his toes and grabbed the collar of my vest, then, with all the passion he had, he kissed me, leaving me completely breathless. Even as he backed up, his eyes wouldn't leave mine.

"Kakashi," he said. "I swear to you; I'll be coming back. I have something else to do before I die, so wait for me."

With that, he entered the mountain with nothing but a few kunais and a stack of exploding tags. I jumped into a nearby tree making sure I left no trace of our presence. Despite the drama we were living, the morning forest was quiet. It reminded me that our lives were nothing in the greater order of things. We were not special; just living beings fighting for survival. What we felt, what we thought… none of this changed anything. We were all destined to die in the end.

I brought my knees under my chin and circled my arms around my legs just as I did as a kid. Immediately, my hitai-ate and my mask became wet from the tears I had refused to shed a moment ago. My whole body was shaking, but I couldn't let the emotions overwhelm me, not now. Iruka needed me still… I concentrated on my breath slowly going in, out, and then in again.

There was no fear, no pain, no nothing.

As I felt the rumbles of the explosions shaking the ground, I repeated to myself that this was an ordinary day, that Iruka would come back alive. I refused to go beyond that moment.

Obito's eyes still cried, but mine had dried up. Soon, I heard the sound of clothing and leaves. As promised, Iruka was back. His face was covered with dust from the explosion, but he had made it. Then my heart skipped a beat, and my body moved before even realising what was happening. I felt my hand going through the chest of an enemy nin that had been right behind him. I had trapped Iruka's body between the cave wall and my own while the chidori had burned the nin's insides leaving behind the familiar smell of calcined flesh.

When I backed up, Iruka smiled.

"So this is how it feels to be saved by the great Hatake Kakashi! I am happy I got to know that feeling before I died…"

The smile faded, then his eyes rolled back for a second, and he fell to his knees. I hadn't seen it because he had been leaning on the wall, but there was a wide gash on his left flank. Now, I saw the red streak covering the rocks. He had lost a lot of blood.

"Iruka!"

That wound, I knew he wouldn't survive it. It was over for him.

"Please, Kakashi…" he said painfully. "Bring me back to the camp. I would like to see Hiroki again. I have something to give her."

I took his body in my arms. He could still help himself up a little, but he wouldn't last long. I felt dizzy, but there was no time to lose if I was to grant his last wish. I disappeared with him in a flash and landed at the edge of the camp.

His arms reached out to me.

"Kakashi, thanks for the ride and thanks for being by my side, now as always."

I wanted to reply to him, to say something memorable, but my mind was stunned.

"I love you Iruka," was the only thing I could say as my tears fell on his face. I wiped my eyes.

He smiled.

"Don't cry," he said softly. "I dreamt of this moment a lot, you know… and it is as perfect as in my visions. I am ready to go. Now kiss me goodbye and bring me to her."

I kissed him, allowing my body to say what I wasn't able to put in words. When our lips parted, however, it was as if he ripped a piece of my soul away.

"Hiroki!" I shouted as I went into an empty tent laying Iruka softly on a pile of pillows. I heard her little feet splashing in the mud as she ran toward us.

When she finally came in, her mouth dropped in shock.

I walked toward her, pressing my forehead against hers. I couldn't quite remember what I said to her, I was devastated inside. I lightly squeezed her shoulder and watched her as she moved past me and knelt before Iruka. I stood there for a few seconds, looking for one last time at Iruka's soft dark hair, his rich caramel skin and his expressive chocolate eyes, then I left.

It was over.

I wouldn't see him again… for all eternity.


	56. Chapter 56: Hiroki: The Gift

**Chapter 56: Hiroki: The Gift**

I rushed into the tent, but as soon as I saw Iruka, I stopped dead in my tracks. His vest was torn and blood seeped through the navy fabric of his shirt. Despite the fact that he had only been lying on the bedroll for a short moment, the sheets were a dark crimson.

Kakashi stood up and walked toward me, taking my head in his hands, bending until his forehead touched mine.

"He's gonna die Hiroki…" he said as he closed his eyes. I could feel the pain in his low murmur, but otherwise, he looked eerily calm. "He wants to speak to you. It is important… so listen to him, ne?" He lightly squeezed my shoulder before leaving the tent.

Iruka... I couldn't believe it. It was so sudden. It couldn't happen to him!

I knelt by his side and placed my hand over his. I was afraid to look at him, afraid to see what emotion would be visible in his eyes as he faced death. My vision blurred.

"It's alright Hiroki," he said wiping my tears with his fingers. "It was the path I chose."

There was a bitter smile on his lips. I knew it always pained him to see me sad.

"There are many things I wished I had the time to explain to you, but I feel I won't last much longer. Ask Kakashi to tell you about what happened today, will you?"

I nodded.

"Fine. Now there is one thing I am going to give you and the other that you'll have to take from me."

He tried to move himself upward a bit and winced from the pain. My hand tightened on his.

I listened intensely.

"Hiroki, to me, you are the little sister I always wanted. Even if our paths didn't cross for very long, I feel like I've known you forever. I know it has not always been easy for you to live with Kakashi… the way him and I lived together, but you loved both of us and dragged him into our lives anyway. Having you two by my side was the happiest moment of my life, and I wish I could have lived like we did forever. I want to thank you for that, and for being there, by my side."

He was struggling. I could tell it was hard for him to move, to speak, to think...

His hand reached into his collar and he drew out his necklace.

"Come closer," he said as he pulled the leather string over his head. "This necklace has been passed from one generation to the next through the Umino clan. I want you to have it."

"But..." I wanted to argue, but he cut me right away.

"Please accept, Hiroki. I have given plenty to Naruto and Kakashi already. This belongs to you."

I bent my neck, and he tied the necklace around it, leaving a trail of blood on my shoulder. For a moment, he held the pendant between his fingers, looking at the intricate dolphin carving.

"As long as you wear it, I'll be with you, Kakashi, and Naruto, sharing your joys and your pains. Kakashi will be annoyed at this — I am sure of it — but keep it on you… little sister."

His hand dropped on his lap. The exhaustion was taking over. I swallowed.

He took a breath, gathering his focus once more.

"The second thing is… harder, but I want you to have it."

His expression changed. His soft gaze became serious, the shinobi in him took over.

"Do you know about the mangekyō?"

"Yes," I replied remembering Kakashi alluding to it in our conversations.

"This is why I asked Kakashi to bring me back here. There is no way to save me, Hiroki. I want you to take my life before I die so that you can awaken the mangekyō."

My eyes widened as more tears rolled on my cheeks.

"But Iruka…"

I couldn't take his life. There was no one with whom I had shared such a close bond, no one as precious…

But he wouldn't let me refuse. This had to be done.

"Hiroki," he said in the same confident tone he used when his students were too scared to do something. "You need to kill someone close to you. You may not have any occasion to do this later. You can do it. I trust you."

I turned away. This was too much. It was too hard…

"Look at me, Hiroki…"

His hand rose to my chin, forcing me to focus on him again.

"I made that choice a long time ago because I knew my fate was to die before you. To know I could help you gain that power gave a bit more meaning to my death. Please, do it… for me."

I looked down, resigned to the thought. It was his last wish. I couldn't refuse that to him.

"I will do it," I replied, my voice barely audible.

"Thanks, Hiroki."

His hand brushed against my thigh. He opened my holster, taking out the kunai Kakashi had given me.

He smiled.

"The white fang. To go with a blade like that..." he said pensively. "Kakashi must really care about you a lot to let you have this. You should ask him to explain that too."

He weighted the fine weapon, turning it over and inspecting the blade, then, as casually as he explained taijutsu in his classroom, he showed me how to place the blade at the base of his skull.

He had thought this through… every step of it.

He placed the kunai in my hand and rested back.

"Now hug me, Hiroki. I feel so cold…"

As I took him in my arms, I saw he wasn't lying to me. He was really shivering and his skin was frozen. His arms tightened around me, the side of his head pressed against mine.

"Before you go on, there is one last thing I want to tell you," he said. "Despite all the facades he throws between you and him, Kakashi loves you… He loves you a lot. If you just push a bit, he'll let you in his heart."

"Iruka…"

"Be patient with him. He went through a lot and can be quite stubborn sometimes, but he'll come to you eventually."

He was done. He had said all he had to say and his strength was leaving him. I had to act soon.

I aimed the kunai, careful not to let the blade touch his skin. I didn't want him to see death coming.

"Thank you Iruka," I said. "Thank you for everything you have done for me. You have been the best teacher, the best brother and the best friend I could ever have wished for. I'll never forget you!"

"Me neither," he answered with a hint of a smile in his voice.

His body relaxed against mine.

I strengthened my grip and pushed the kunai deep into his brain. He went limp immediately. I hugged him against me for a little while, but I couldn't feel any chakra under his skin anymore. He was gone... I pulled out the kunai and laid him down.

There were tears in his eyes, tears he did not shed while I was looking at him. He had asked for this, but now that I could see his pain, it felt wrong. My hands, now covered in his blood, were shaking like leaves. I had done that to him. I had killed him.

A sharp pain shot inside my head. I cried and bent over his body. I wanted to scream but I the ache was so intense I couldn't make more than weak, high pitched noises.

I don't know how much time I spent there before the physical pain finally subsided, but the skin under my hands was now completely cold.

I looked once more at Iruka's body.

He got the death he had wanted. He had saved the village and had given what was left of his life to me so that I could defend Konoha and the ones he loved.

He had died today, but nobody would ever forget him.

He was a hero.


	57. Chapter 57: Kakashi: The Funeral

**Chapter 57: Kakashi: The Funeral**

Soon, the rain was pouring down heavily as if even the sky regretted the departure of Iruka. I was sitting on the ground under a wooden shelter looking at the dull scenery in front of me. The forest used to be vibrant here, but under the downpour, all colors were muted… as were my own emotions. My heart still refused to fully realize what had just happened.

This was a good thing... because this war was not over.

Now that the situation had turned to our advantage, we would still need to track any survivors, investigate and send spies away to make sure that this wouldn't happen again. We owed it to those who had given their lives to protect the village so that their sacrifice wouldn't be in vain. I owed it to Iruka to make sure all those he had loved stayed safe. Thinking of him, a shiver ran through my body.

I remembered the feeling of his arms around me, the warmth of his body next to mine…

I felt movement nearby, then heard the sound of footsteps in the mud. It was Hiroki.

She looked sad, broken. Her hitai-ate was dropped around her neck, Iruka's necklace half hidden under it. There was blood on her face and on her hands, but the most terrifying change was the mangekyō. Not that the delicate swirls she now had in her eyes, were not pretty — the unique and intricate pattern was spellbinding — but I knew too well what it meant. As parting gift went, it was as shocking as the one I had received from Obito.

She sat beside me. Silent.

I slipped my arm behind her back and pulled her against me. She cried. There were no words, no way to express the pain we both felt. We just sat there holding one another hoping the rain would one day stop.

But it didn't.

Early in the afternoon, Tsunade sent the rookies home, but the elites stayed behind. I could have gone back with my team — Tsunade definitely knew what I was going through — but I decided to stay.

I spent the night in the mud, dirty and tired, overworking myself to avoid the pain of Iruka's loss. The cold rain soaked my uniform, making me shiver and curse, but I was gradually getting used to this. I was becoming nothing but a machine with a task to do. I chased terrified enemies that were totally disorganized and no longer knew how to fight. I had to track and kill so that others would live.

I didn't sleep.

The sun did not rise.

There was only rain and blood.

I slit throats and pierced armors, my whole body numb an frozen, the blood of the enemy on my hands being the only warmth I could still feel. It was already midday when I saw Gai who was also chasing after the fugitives. We didn't talk, but the expression in his eyes when he looked at me said it all. I knew what it meant. I knew how far I had fallen already.

He was the one who forced me away from the battlefield at the end of the day and brought me home, to my old apartment. The layer of dust that had accumulated there told of how long I had avoided the place, but Gai understood. Now that Iruka was gone, his home was not mine anymore.

Gai was now snoring lightly on my sofa. He had checked my wounds and forced me to eat, but I remained silent. I did not scream, I did not cry. My mind was counting and recounting every enemy we might have left behind, how many could still reach home and organize a new strike, how many might have infiltrated our village... My mind was still running after enemy nins to escape a reality that was way more dangerous.

For a second night, I didn't sleep.

The next day, there was a large memorial service in honor of those who had given their lives for the village. Iruka's was the first of the five services held on that day.

I didn't want to be there.

As long as I wasn't seeing his picture on the altar or heard the kind words said for him, I could pretend it never happened; that he never even existed.

Again Gai knew.

He had asked Naruto to knock on my door that morning knowing full well that I couldn't deny him my presence when he had just lost the man who had acted like a surrogate father to him. I knew how it felt to lose such a man, I had lived it many times over now. Father… Sensei… even the Third in a way…

Looking at the tears threatening to fall from his eyes, I gave in. I put on my black cloak and followed him.

We were not late, but we were amongst the last to arrive. The central square was already filled with children, teenagers, and friends. All the jōnins who habitually killed time in the mission room were lined up in their dark mourning uniforms to pay a last homage to the one who scolded them with so much love. For most of them, he was like a brother. He may never have matched them in rank, but he was one of them… as he was part of every group gathered there. He was one of the reassuring cornerstones of the village. The one everybody loved and trusted.

Tsunade walked to the front. She hadn't prepared a speech — she didn't need to — the words were easy to find for someone who was as dedicated and loving as Iruka had been, but I wouldn't listen. I didn't want to break. Not here.

At the end of the day, when all the ceremonies would be over; when all the paperwork and tasks would be turned in, I would come back home and break, but not now. I couldn't.

I looked at Naruto's back. I knew it would be hard for him. Probably harder than for most. His head was bent. His hand wiping the tears now running on his cheeks. I wanted to comfort him, but this too, I couldn't. I wasn't strong enough.

I felt my heart twist from guilt knowing that I was already failing Iruka. I had left the ones he loved alone and was now powerless to ease their pain… I had done nothing for them.

It was not me who stepped beside Naruto and put my hand on his shoulder.

It was Hiroki.

The two looked at one another for a while, then fell in each other's arms. After a while, Sakura joined the hug. She wasn't as close to Iruka, but he had been a loving teacher for her too. It touched me deeply to know that they would already understand and rely on one another in such a deep way. Only a few years ago Hiroki had been a stranger from an enemy country that I impulsively brought back with me and, although the pain left by the departure of Sasuke was still fresh, they had bound together in an unexpected way. Despite the sadness, I was happy to see that I had at least a small part to play in all of this. Even if I knew I lacked the strength to comfort them, my kids had one another. They would survive this together.

Knowing that, it didn't matter as much now if I broke badly or not.

I closed my eyes and thought about Iruka.

He was the one who should have survived. After all, not so many people would have cried if I would have given my life for the village. From a veteran jōnin like me, it was something expected... and Iruka would have been there for Team 7. I could see him console and care for my students, telling them about the meaning of shinobi lives and speaking some inspiring truth that would help them move on. I couldn't do that. I didn't know how to deal with this pain, neither mine nor theirs.

I knew only how to kill…

I was about to leave when Hiroki raised her head to look at me. She saw right through me. Of the three, she was the only one who knew the exact nature of the relation between Iruka and I; the only one to know how much we loved and cherished one another.

She seemed to hesitate for a second, then opened her arm, inviting me to join them.

I was stunned. In a way I wanted to share what they shared, I wanted the warmth, the comfort... I needed it badly. But in another way, I felt I didn't belong. I would only bring shadows over them. They didn't need me, they didn't need my pain…

Hiroki broke away from the hug and walked toward me, the pain growing in her eyes...


	58. Chapter 58: Hiroki: The Funeral

**Chapter 58: Hiroki: The Funeral**

His lone grey eye was cold, colder than I had ever seen.

It was as if there were no emotions behind it…

But there had to be, Kakashi had loved Iruka with a passion that he could hardly contain. He cared and spoiled his lover every day and at any moment. I felt his worry each time Iruka felt ill; his joy each time he smiled. Kakashi had not pretended. Not even the layers of fabric that he insisted on wearing in public could hide from me the feelings he harboured for Iruka, be they happy or sad.

Kakashi, today, was different. There was no empathy, no affection in his gestures. He just stared away, hands in his pockets. He had barely acknowledged us and now watched the ceremony as if it were that of some unknown shinobi.

Was that what he truly was? A man who moved on without even looking back when a chapter of his life was over? Did he not care when important people disappeared from his life? He had always spoken of Sasuke with a certain detachment. If something were to happen to us, Naruto, Sakura or I, would he just forget us that quickly? I had always thought he would mourn us, that he would wear our deaths like a deep scar… I had never imagined that he could very well act like he did today.

Deep inside, I would rather believe something else: He was cutting himself off from his emotions.

I looked at him again; distant and strong. I was scared of his reaction, but I felt I had to try. I didn't want him to suffer on his own. He might have chosen it, but I didn't want him to be alone.

I took his hand and dragged him toward Sakura and Naruto.

He made a step forward, then stopped, his gaze heavy and stern.

I looked down but did not let go.

We stood like that for a while, but he finally ruffled my hair, admitting defeat, and spread his arms around the three of us, bringing us to closer to his chest. He kept looking at me. His expression had softened, lingering between sadness and a slight worry.

Despite this, I knew…

He wouldn't come back tonight.

::

After the funeral, I went back home, kicked my boots off, and dried myself, careful not to leave drops of rain on the wooden floor. Iruka wasn't there anymore to lecture me, but I did it anyway.

Home.

This apartment was now my home.

I bent down and searched into the lower cupboards. I knew Iruka kept some instant ramen there for when Naruto came unexpectedly. I took one of the cardboard cups and boiled some water. The rain had stopped during the day, but soon after the funeral, the sky became dark again. While waiting, I looked at the heavy drops of water falling on the leaves of the nearby maple tree. Apart from the sound of the rain on the roof, the apartment was eerily silent… and dark.

I flipped the switch. The artificial lighting gave the impression that the weather outside was even worse.

I heard the steam from the kettle, then, a small click. I poured the water over the dehydrated noodles, picked some chopsticks along the way and sat at the table.

It was strange… being alone. I didn't like the silence. Although I knew he wouldn't come, I somehow hoped that Kakashi would still drop by. I should have invited Naruto or Sakura…

I ate some noodles but burnt my tongue with them. I had forgotten how hot the water could become. I placed the chopsticks on the cardboard cup and waited, looking at the pile of papers laying on the table.

When I came back the first night, there had been a letter waiting for me. The handwriting was smooth and regular but did not follow the printed lines on the sheets… because the author of the letter couldn't see them anymore.

Iruka. He had set everything up for me. Before leaving, he had put his apartment under my name, left me a copy of my account and made sure I had all that I needed to survive. The first entry on the bank account dated from about a week after I arrived in Konoha. Kakashi had told the truth. Tsunade had given him money to care for me, and when I was forced away from his house, that money had been given to Iruka, but neither of them took a penny from it. They had placed it in this account for me to use in case of need.

I ate in silence, my mind wandering from one memory to the other.

They had cared for me so much. We had been so happy together…

I got up and threw the empty container in the trash.

It wasn't very late, but I had done all that had to be done for the day. There was no point for me to stay up anymore.

I brushed my teeth and walked back to my room. Iruka's door was open. I looked into his room. The bed was made, his desk had been cleaned, but it was empty. He wouldn't come back… and I had the feeling that neither would Kakashi.

I slipped into my bed. My eyes started to itch, and soon, tears rolled down my cheeks.

::

 _ **It's a short one, but the next chapter will be longer, I promise :)**_


	59. Chapter 59: Kakashi: Turning Away

_Sorry, it's been a while!_  
 _I've been working on this chapter for weeks, but there's always something that feels slightly off about it. At this point, I decided to let go so we can finally move on_.  
 _Hope you like angst... because there is a lot of it!_

 **Chapter 59: Kakashi: Turning Away**

In the same week, team 7 was disbanded.

Naruto was taken under Jiraya's wing, and Sakura stayed in Konoha under the tutelage of Tsunade. When the Hokage had asked me into her office to break the news to me, I didn't know I would feel so devastated, so empty. I had known something like that was coming when she first discussed Jiraya's interest in Naruto with me, but I never expected it would come so soon.

I shrugged, hiding the pain with indifference, but I couldn't help but ask:

"What about Hiroki?"

She smiled.

"I thought that you would have wanted to take care of her personally. You two work very well together…"

I closed my eye.

 _You two work very well together._

Those were the very words Iruka had spoken that night at the cemetery when he had tried to push me away from him… before I knew of his illness.

A dark emotion filled my soul.

"No."

I replied without even thinking. This was what Iruka had wanted for her... had wanted for us. _I_ didn't want this.

There was a look of surprise on Tsunade's face.

"Kakashi, keep her under your wing, will you? You don't need to take another genin team, just let her tag along on your missions…"

I didn't let her finish. I wouldn't let her change my mind.

"You heard my answer, Tsunade sama. It is no."

She looked upset and sad… maybe a bit annoyed, but it wasn't my problem anymore.

"Kakashi… The girl needs you…"

"She doesn't," I replied briskly. "She's an adult. Iruka taught her all she needs to know. She's ready for missions. She'll figure out the rest."

The discussion was over. I would not waste more energy on it. I stood up. The wooden chair slid on the floor with a loud screeching sound.

"Now, unless there are any other matters you need to discuss…"

I waited for a few seconds for a reply then made my way to the door.

"Kakashi…" she finally said.

I stopped but did not turn back. I didn't want her to see the scorching pain piercing through my defences and slowly becoming visible on my face.

"Think about it, will you?"

I nodded and slipped out.

::

When I left the office, my feet brought me straight to the memorial stone.

The rain was heavy and cold, piercing through the thick layers of clothing I was wearing. I touched the carvings of the familiar names I had been visiting for so long, but, in the dark stone, a new set of characters had appeared. I saw it, the very last name of the list: _Umino Iruka_.

Until then, I had been busy with the aftermath of the attacks, I barely slept, avoided home as much as I could…

… but now the reality hit me.

Iruka was dead.

The pain flooded my body radiating from my chest to the tip of my fingers, of my toes.

My knees gave up and dug deep into the mud.

My breath was short, and I was struggling to keep it even.

I knew I was fighting a losing battle. I had to let the dam break.

I let out a forlorn whimper as my forehead hit the stone. Tears filled my eyes. The pain in my ribs intensified to the point I could barely breathe. I pulled my mask down to my chin, gasping for air.

 _Iruka..._

My ribcage moved in violent spasms. My fingers dug trails in the mud.

I saw his soft brown eyes, heard his sparkling laughter... the sharingan had recorded it all as vividly as if I had just seen it. I wanted to hold him in my arms again, to go to him for comfort. I closed my eyes imagining his hands in my hair and his lips on my forehead… I needed him. I loved him so much still.

Lightning scarred the sky.

"Iruka, please come back…" It was a stupid wish, but there was nothing I wanted more. I should have died with him… but he hadn't wanted me to. I didn't know how he could think that I could endure this, that I could ever be anything without him.

"Iruka, forgive me," I said, my voice breaking as I spoke the words. "I won't take care of Hiroki… I just can't…"

I wanted to believe that I had refused Hiroki simply because I knew I wouldn't be able to care for anyone in the mental state I was in, but, if I was honest with myself, I knew the reality was way more disturbing. If I had rejected her, it was because I refused to enact Iruka's plan. For some reason, I didn't want him to be right. I couldn't accept that Hiroki could someday take his place, even if just as a friend. In some twisted part of my mind, it was as if Iruka was pushing me away again.

Except that wasn't the truth.

The truth was that he was gone... forever.

I pressed my head to the stone, crying and letting my emotions freely flow out for the first time in my life. My hand rose to feel Iruka's name on the stone once more, as if it was the only way to ground myself to the truth, but my fingers only slipped on the wet surface, staining it with mud.

Iruka had left me, and soon, my pupils would do the same.

I closed my eyes, feeling the cold rain run over my face.

It was better that way. No matter how much I loved my genins, I wasn't like Iruka. He was pure and inspiring, always had so much to give to everyone. As their sensei, he gave them what they needed to live.

I… was there to manage the reality shock; to help them transition to a life of danger and pain. I could only teach them to bear with it; to survive in it.

To _survive_ …

Now that Iruka wasn't there to teach me how to live, this was the only thing that I could do… _survive_ without him.

It hurt. It hurt too much… and I would have given anything not to feel anymore.

::

The next morning, I awoke fully clothed in my bed, lying on top of the covers. The apartment was empty, silent. I was alone.

It felt strange. I did not remember falling asleep, I had probably just cried until all strength had left me. I felt as if I had been run over by a thousand ninken. My muscles were sore from the strain of the emotions I had let out the previous day, but I would still get up.

I had promised Iruka I would live on.

I removed all of my dirty clothes, letting them drop in a pile on the floor. Immediately, my skin became cold... but that was the new world I lived in; a world without warmth.

I walked toward the bathroom but stopped in front of what had been Hiroki's room. The bed was still there. I had refused to let go of the idea that one day she could come back... then I had moved in with Iruka and stopped coming here at all. It wasn't that long ago, but it felt like years. I would have to do something with that room... eventually.

But for now, I just closed the door.

I took a warm shower hoping it would cleanse both my body and my mind. I let the water run over me, but my thoughts kept drifting to Iruka and to the big void he had left behind. The pain engulfed me once again and I sat in the corner of the shower, hugging my knees to my chest trying to comfort myself. I couldn't live on like that. I couldn't live without him by my side.

I stayed there, unable to move. Even after the water had turned cold, I did not move.

Then, I realised...

I knew what I wanted.

I had to see Tsunade.

I got out of the shower, dried my hair, dressed up, and left for the Hokage tower.

::

When I arrived, the door was already open. Tsunade didn't even look surprised when I slipped in. It was almost as if she expected my visit.

"So, why are you here brat? Have you come back on your decision and want Hiroki back?" she said with a vicious smile. "I'd love to see you beg for it!"

I pretended that it didn't hurt, that her effort to put Hiroki and I together didn't remind me of what I had lost, that the pain wasn't still burning in my chest as it had since my visit to the memorial. I walked to her desk and spoke:

"I am sorry. I haven't changed my mind. I came to ask you about something else. I need a favour from you."

Her eyebrow rose slightly.

"A favour? Well, I guess I can at least hear it…" She looked at me with something like mischief in her eyes, she still had hope…

I replied with a cold stare.

"I am serious Tsunade."

"Then, tell me."

I hesitated for a few seconds. If I asked, there would be no turning back... but I wanted… No, I _needed_ this.

"May I... reintegrate ANBU? I don't have a genin team anymore, and with everything that happened I don't want to have another one just yet."

Tsunade's face fell. I could tell she had expected anything but this.

"You realise that if I grant your request, Hiroki will end up alone… You know what it means for her. She'll be on her own, unprotected. I thought you didn't want that."

"I know."

Silence fell between us. We were both waiting for the other to reconsider their position, but it wouldn't happen. Neither of us got where we got by yielding to other's wills.

"Tsunade," I finally said knowing the wait would lead us nowhere, "I trust you to find her a team or a tutor with whom she can evolve."

"Kakashi, she needs more than a tutor, she needs a mentor! She needs you!"

"There is nothing I can give to her that I haven't given already…"

She stood up, her hands pressing hard into the wooden surface of her desk, her chakra flared with rage.

"Don't give me that crap, brat! You are the copy-nin, master of a thousand justu, ex-ANBU and pupil of the Fourth. You are a fucking legend and could teach a lesson to most jōnins in this village! You DO have something to pass on to her!"

Her nails ripped trails into the dark varnish, then her expression fell.

"Kakashi, what happened between you two? Ever since you brought her here, you have protected her as if she were some kind of kami-assigned mission. You broke every damn law of this village, risked your life to make sure that she was safe and now you are willing to let her down. I thought you were drawn to her the same way I was drawn to Sakura…"

The emotion that filtered in her voice surprised me. I didn't expect she had become so protective of Hiroki.

It was a relief. Hiroki had the most powerful ally she could get. I could let her go without guilt.

"Circumstances have changed," I replied bluntly.

Tsunade looked down.

"Circumstances..." she repeated slowly. "Are you sure about this Kakashi?" I could feel the sadness in her voice, but this was not my problem... not anymore.

"Yes, I am."

"You know you do have a lot of enemies in ANBU?"

"I know I do... and I don't care."

She waited a bit, pondering if she should allow me to follow my will or not, then picked up her pen.

"In ANBU, you were a captain?"

"Yes," I replied, "but I don't mind about rank..."

She wrote a note on a piece of paper and handed it to me.

"You can go get your gear. I'll assign you to a team by tomorrow morning."

I took the note and left.

::

There was only one step to do now, and my fate would be sealed.

I stepped out of the Hokage tower and walked to the ANBU headquarters.

I pushed the stern wooden door open. The hall was dark and silent. I could only hear the muffled sound of the rain on the roof and the light buzz of the single incandescent bulb that illuminated the place.

There was a young man at the reception; someone I didn't know. It had been a long time since I hadn't needed new gear from ANBU, I guess the other one must have resigned… or died on a mission.

I pulled Tsunade's note from my front pocket and gave it to the boy. His face paled.

He opened the gate and walked out of his booth.

"Kakashi sama, please follow me."

He led me to the dressing room where he measured me, then brought uniform and armour. After he had made sure all part fitted perfectly, he carefully noted their size in my file, then knelt before me, offering a porcelain mask.

I picked it up and turned it over.

My mask. I recognised the fine red lines and the peculiar shape of the openings for the eyes. A long time ago, the Third had taken it and smashed it, but it had only been a symbolic gesture. ANBU always kept copies of their operatives' masks in case they broke during a mission. I should have guessed that, given Hound's reputation, ANBU wouldn't have assigned that mask to anyone else…

For a second, my resolve flinched.

It is only when I saw Hound's familiar face again, that I fully understood what I had been asking for.

I wanted to disappear.

I wanted Hound to come and claim me, and I was offering myself to him like a sacrificial lamb on an altar. I wanted to dissolve in him and become the emotionless tool I once had been. Only then could I escape the pain that threatened to swallow my sanity.

I swallowed. This was what I wanted… right?

Kneeling in front of me, the boy was still there, head down, eyes solidly fixed on the floor. His whole posture spoke of the respect he had for Hound. For him, I was a legend… He never saw how broken was the man who stood before him.

I put my hand on his shoulder, forcing my uncovered eye to curve upwards in a smile, but the boy quickly moved away and retreated in fear.

This was my new life.

I folded my jōnin uniform and placed it neatly in my locker as I had done countless times in the past. Unlike the first time I joined ANBU, I knew what would come. I knew the pain, the atrocities, the bitterness that came with the job. It was a place that could destroy you… unless you had nothing left that could be destroyed anymore.

I walked to the entrance of the building and looked outside. The storm had only gotten heavier. The thunder roared against the kage's monument and the rain was falling so hard it was difficult to see ahead... but it didn't matter now. Nothing mattered anymore. As I slid the porcelain mask over my face, I finally felt some kind of relief. The constant pain that had tortured me since Iruka's disappearance dulled and drowned into the depth of my being as I left my fate in the hands of Hound.


	60. Chapter 60: Tsunade: Scattered

_Hi all!  
Life is beating the crap out of me, and I don't have a second for myself, but I said I would finish the story and I will… I just don't know how long it'll take!_

 **Chapter 60: Tsunade: Scattered to the wind**

There were days where I hated my job and today was definitely one of those.

The three of them were there in front of me, the three genin prodigies of Team 7. I didn't know how to break the news to them; how I would tell them I would break up their team.

I was mad.

Damn brat! He didn't even show up for that. I had hoped until the last minute that he would at least come and do his last duty as the leader of team 7, but he never did. The worse about that situation was that those kids loved him, as a mentor _and_ as a friend, and he just left them behind.

I scratched my temples wishing for a drink. There was just no good way to tell them what I had to tell. I could already see how anxious the three were.

Naruto looked at me, deep cerulean eyes filled with worry.

"Where is Kakashi sensei?"

How could I answer that? It wasn't as if I could tell them the truth…

"Kakashi… has been sent on a long-term mission," I said hoping they would believe the lie. "That is why you are here."

I hated it. Sakura might have accepted the truth more easily, but Naruto and Hiroki… they were just like orphans in this village. With Iruka gone and now Kakashi, who could they really turn to?

I took a breath and spoke:

"I am disbanding Team 7 for the time being."

I had said it. It was done. They would now each go their separate way.

Sakura played with the hem of her dress, while Hiroki stared at the floor with a blank expression, and I could feel Naruto's eyes slowly narrowing as he processed the information.

Unsurprisingly, it was the blond boy that broke the silence first:

"But Tsunade Baachan! Why hasn't he told us! He should be here! He cannot just go on a mission like that and leave us behind! That's unfair!"

I agreed with him, but it seemed that the brat thought differently.

These three kids all had exceptional paths ahead of them. Sakura would become a great medic, Naruto had not just power, but a heart that could touch anyone, and Hiroki was just insanely gifted. They didn't deserve to be let down in such a spectacular way.

"Naruto," I cut not willing to let him go on. "Jiraiya told me that he would be happy to continue your training. I heard you made a lot of progress last time you two were together."

He dried the stray tear that had rolled on his cheeks and nodded before leaving the room. That was so much unlike the boy, but he was already overwhelmed by the loss of the first person who ever believed in him. He complained regularly about Kakashi, but I knew that the lazy bastard had wormed his way in his heart too. That was a lot to take in a few days…

"Sakura," I continued. "You have an incredible chakra control. If you train hard, you could become one of the best medics this village has ever known. If you agree, tomorrow morning, I would like to start your training."

Her cheeks flushed pink and her gaze avoided mine. Despite the tragic ending of Team 7, she seemed to be happy with her fate.

"Yes, Tsunade sama," she said. "I would like that very much."

"Then it is settled," I replied.

Sakura left, leaving Hiroki alone.

"Sit down," I said as I walked to her side of the desk. She had not said a word, did not let out a clue of how she felt, but I knew she must have been devastated. Team 7 and Iruka had been her only family. She had such a hard life already, and now she was alone.

I pulled myself a chair and looked at her carefully. She sat with her back straight, staring at her hands in her lap.

"I cannot send you on missions without a jōnin sensei, you need more training," I said trying to sound as caring and friendly as I could.

She did not move, not even a blink. I put my hands on hers.

"Hiroki, even if Kakashi is away, you are still a shinobi of this village, you are like a child to me, and I am not going to let you down. Do you trust me?" Her eyes finally reached mine and, for the first time, I could see the emotion in them. She nodded slowly. I felt it. I was the only person she felt she could rely on.

In this world, a kunoichi, even with her brilliant potential, couldn't survive without support. She would need training, but she would need friends. It was a thankless job, but there was only one place I felt I should assign her.

"I want you to work at the mission desk for now, but I will make sure you get all the training you need to take part in missions and develop your full potential."

She looked so sad. I wanted to hug her but, closed as she was, I was sure she wouldn't let me.

She got up, ready to leave.

I stood up too.

"Hiroki," I said putting my hand on her shoulder. "If there is anything, even if it is just for a chat, you can always come to me. I'll be there, right?"

A faint smile appeared on her lips and then she left.

For Naruto and Sakura, it was just a transition to a new life, but for Hiroki… there was only so much I could do. I had no doubt she could be trusted with the matters of the village and she was Iruka's little sister... It wouldn't take much time for the jōnin hanging at the mission desk to adopt her.

I took out the sake bottle hidden in the bottom drawer and filled my cup.

It had been heart-wrenching to disband the prodigious team, but we had to look at the future, at their future. I knew Kakashi understood this as well as I. We need them to surpass us to ensure the future of this village. It wasn't a pleasant task, but I knew deep down inside that I had made the right decision for the three of them… within the limits of what could be done.

Now, I just wondered how Tenzō would deal with the brat.


	61. Chapter 61: Tenzō: The Killer

**Chapter 61: Tenzō: The Killer**

I didn't want to open that door. After what Tsunade had told me, I was too scared of what I would find behind. Sempai had asked to be put back in ANBU. There was no way this could be good… But I could only look at the door for so long. I knew he could feel my chakra signature from behind. If I ever showed him I was hesitating, I would probably regret it bitterly later.

I pressed my hand to the heavy wooden door, opening it slowly.

Sempai was sitting on a plain wooden chair, alone in the dark, waiting. The only light coming in was from the now half-opened door. He wore the ANBU uniform... already. His hitai-ate was discarded and the familiar dog mask lying in his lap.

Compared to what he had looked like in his Konoha gear, he seemed vulnerable; naked. His soul stripped of something that made him infuriatingly human.

He was calm, but his head was tilted down, his eyes closed. He looked like a turned off automaton. I knew this attitude. I had seen other ANBU and ROOT soldiers before — in fact, they had mostly been ROOT — but never in Him. It sent a chill through my whole body. Sempai wasn't just waiting, he was _awaiting_ orders, ready to do anything... ready to let go of his life if need be.

"Kakashi?" I asked wanting to know if he would still answer to me if I did not use his codename.

He raised his head with a regularity and precision that were almost mechanical. Then, his eyes, both of them, opened revealing the scary mismatched gaze. An eye as red as the burning fire of hell, the other as cold and emotionless as ice.

He gave off such a dark energy that my instincts were telling me to run away from him.

The man in front of me was unstable and dangerous.

The man in front of me was a killer.

But he needed me. I had to stay by his side.

"Come and meet your team," I said.

He just nodded and got up. Precise, no lost movements. Watching him was truly eery. He rose his mask to his face, but I put my hand on his stopping him midway. He looked at me straight in the eyes, but there were no emotions.

"One mask is enough, don't you think?"

He silently dropped his mask and tied it to his weapon pouch. No annoying smile. No teasing.

This would be hard.

I turned around and lead the way.

This was so much worse than what I had expected.

::

 ** _Don't know how long until the next update._**  
 ** _I'll try not to take too mu_ ch time _, but I have a huge exam to prepare for the fall... wish me luck ;)_**


	62. Chapter 62: Hiroki: Into the void

_Hi all! I finally finished my examination, but I am starting the fall term next Tuesday… already! Still, I am celebrating the end of a writing project by working on a more interesting writing project! So here it is, chapter 62!_

 _ **WARNING:** There is a rape scene in this chapter. If you want to skip it, you can. I marked it with a xXXXx at the beginning and end._

 _Also, I tried to fix all my typos, but the editor was really buggy and removed half of my corrections each time I saved the document. I hope, I got all of them fixed, but if some remain, I apologize._

 _Thanks for keeping up with the story. Sincerely, I really feel privileged to have you here!_

 **Chapter 62: Hiroki: Plunging into the void**

When Iruka died, Kakashi had gone away.

It was as if he had denied all that we had lived together. He had just left my life without even saying goodbye. I had to go on, but it was hard. I missed him, and I missed Iruka, but missing them wouldn't bring them back. So I tried to focus on work.

There was a shout, a banging on the table and then a loud laughter.

I tried desperately to concentrate on the quasi-illegible writing on the mission report in front of me, but it was impossible.

I don't know how Tsunade thought I could work at the mission room. Hell! I don't know how Iruka did it! The people were loud, rude and outright disrespectful… especially to me since I was the new one. Fortunately, when I arrived for my first shift, Izumo and Kotetsu adopted me right away, but seeing spoiled shinobi daily, I understood why Iruka had such fits of temper.

There was another burst of laughter followed by loud exclamations.

I looked at the line of ninja in front of my desk. Reports were crumpled, dirty… I wasn't certain what I would find inside of them, but I had the impression that it would be pretty bad.

The jōnin waiting in front of me smirked, seemingly proud to annoy me with his piece of garbage. It was only morning, but I had already received three stained reports, two incompletes, and this last one...

That was the drop!

I stood up and gave back the messy report to its owner.

"Redo it," I said plainly.

His smirk grew.

"So you think you can boss me around, little girl?"

The room went silent. Izumo turned toward me to offer his help, but I turned it down.

"It is illegible, full of typos and incomplete. You need to redo it," I said trying to keep my voice even.

"What do you know about this, you're not even chūnin..."

My voice rose.

"I don't care!" I said slamming my hands on the desk. "I really don't care! You are a jōnin, but you could be a sannin for all that matters! I will not accept this report. Even genins don't write so badly!" I let my chakra flare around me and my eyes turned red. He backed up, it was merely an inch, but I knew it had worked. "RE . DO . IT." I repeated putting an emphasis on each syllable. "And you!" I said looking at everyone in the room, "If you ever even try to give me a report like the one he just tried to submit, I won't ask you to redo it, I'll burn it!"

Genma and Anko started clapping and Kotetsu captured me in a giant hug. I knew they would at least find my display entertaining, but if I had known I would have gathered such strong support, I would have done it way earlier.

"I see some people learn fast, ne, Tsunade sama?"

I froze... That voice... it was Kakashi…

I blushed as Kotetsu finally released his hold on me.

Kakashi gave me his one-eyed smile, then walked straight to Tsunade, handing her his report.

My breath caught in my throat, I was stunned... as if I had just seen a ghost.

I looked at him while he slouched in front of the Hokage, waiting for her to read the scroll.

"It's fine," she replied seriously. Then she searched through the mission scrolls and picked one for him. "Here you go brat. This one should take you guys only a few hours. Leave the report in my office."

He nodded and left without even throwing another glance at me.

It had been the first time I saw Kakashi since the funeral. From the outside, he looked no different from his usual self, but I did not feel the familiar recognition in his eyes. I felt as if I had been kicked out of his close friend circle, I was now no more than a colleague, someone he barely acknowledged. It hurt beyond anything I could express. I should have known that all this had only been professional, but I had loved him so much, we went through so many things together. To see him almost avoiding me was heart-crushing. I would have rather not seen him at all.

I swallowed my emotions and sat back on my chair. The mission room was so busy that people barely noticed. I let out a sigh.

"Hiroki chan, are you ok?" Izumo said in a low voice that only us could hear.

I nodded and forced a smile on my lips.

::

At the end of my shift, Naruto came to the mission room to get me. He had come back from one of his adventures with the man he called Ero Sannin and had plenty of stories to tell. He still missed Iruka sensei dearly, but the travel kept his mind busy.

The weather had cleared so we went to the cemetery carrying with us three containers of ramen. We sat in front to Iruka's grave, leaving one bowl untouched with chopsticks set down on it. It was our way to remember him and all he had done for us, a way for us to try to feel his presence with us still.

Naruto was chatting about his newest adventures, but I was so exhausted from the day that zoned in and out.

"Seriously, I don't know what Kakashi sensei's sees in this crap, but he was really happy when I gave him the last of Ero Sannin's book! I've tried to read it, but yurk!"

What?! Oh, it was true. Kakashi had been in the village today...

"You saw Kakashi sensei? When?" I asked careful not to look too affected.

Naruto scratched the back of his head.

"Yeah, he takes me for ramen once in a while. I guess he must worry about Iruka not being here for me anymore. Yesterday, he brought Sakura too. We wanted you to join, but he said you were busy."

He was right, I was not available. I had been working the evening shift in the mission room, but this had been the only night…

"Why do you ask?" he continued, "doesn't he give you news once in a while?"

I looked down. No, he hadn't. Today in the mission room had been the only time I saw him.

"It was just bad timing, I guess..."

The truth was I didn't even know he had been there yesterday or even that he had come back since our team had been disbanded.

I smiled but to me the news was devastating. Team 7 had gotten back together and I hadn't been invited. I knew I was the last one in —maybe this explained it all — but Naruto and Sakura didn't see it that way, I was as much a part of the team as themselves.

I let Naruto engulf the second bowl, we hugged and parted way.

I walked back home, dragging my feet on the ground. Kakashi had the time to see me, he even knew my schedule at the mission room but hadn't made the effort to reach out.

 _Had he only supported me to be with Iruka?_ _I had felt like I had counted for him, that he had cared for me as much as he had cared for Naruto and Sakura._ _But he was a ninja, a master of manipulation who would cover himself so one would need to go beneath the underneath in order to reach him._

 _Iruka had been fooled too._

 _Despite what he believed, Kakashi had never cared._

I unlocked the door and let my bag fall to the ground. I took off my hitai-ate and my holster leaving them on the bathroom counter.

What was I now? While Naruto lived incredible adventures and learned new jutsu, while Sakura was becoming an amazing medic, I just read and sorted scrolls written by teenagers in need of attention.

Where did I belong? Kakashi had made me believe I could become a shinobi, but I had nothing but those bloody eyes. I was stupid and sluggish compared to the others. Maybe Kakashi had understood and had gotten tired of me?

 _Your place isn't with them anyway, Hiroki._

 _You know you'll never become anything by yourself._

 _No one will ever want you for what you are._

 _You can't do anything properly._

 _You're weak, you'll never achieve anything._

It was 7 o'clock. The time I usually studied seated between Kakashi and Iruka. I looked at the books still placed neatly on the shelf. Was it worth even trying?

 _I had nothing._

 _I wasn't pretty._

 _I wasn't clever._

 _I wasn't strong._

 _And I couldn't even throw a kunai._

I was exhausted, I took a shower before I lied on the bed and slept.

xXXXx

I woke up somewhere familiar.

I remembered the smell. The air was humid, moldy and cold. The ground was made of painted hard concrete, soiled with bodily fluids and dust. I wasn't home, but I knew the place.

The Citadel.

My head became light; panic was suddenly seizing me. What was I doing here?

I tried to get up, but my wrists were securely tied to the iron bars of a cell. I tried to force the restraints, but I had almost no chakra to build up any power.

I had to concentrate. I had to think.

I was in Kakashi's cell, or rather, where he had been held captive. The nearby cells were empty. In fact, the whole place was silent. There was probably nobody left.

I heard footsteps behind me.

"Yatsuko, long time no see!"

That voice… it was one of the nobles. I couldn't remember which one.

"Did you miss me? Did you miss this place?"

His hands reached for my hips from behind. I could feel his breath on the back of my neck.

"I missed you… I missed you a lot, little slave."

His hands roamed over my belly, then up to my breasts. They were thick and hairy. I felt nauseous.

"What am I doing here?" I asked trying to understand what was happening.

"Oh, that. We just brought you back."

His hand caressed my cheek through the bars.

"Now you'll be nice to me, just like you used to."

He walked into the cell an stood in front of me. I knew him. It was Takahata. He was almost bald, but the crown of hair that remained was a dull dark grey. His eyes were small, almost hidden in the puffiness of his face. He stank of grease and sweat.

I knew what he came for… he always came for the same thing. He wanted to touch me.

Fear and disgust mixed in my soul. When I had lived at the citadel, I had been used to it. I would zone out and wait, letting them take what they wanted from me hoping they would do it quick and not ask for anything. I knew they could kill me in a fit of rage, but it didn't matter.

But I wasn't that person anymore. I had people I loved, people that kept me safe. I had a life to look forward to. I wanted to go home.

"Let me go!" I knew it was useless to say it, but I couldn't help it. Tears ran over my cheeks and my throat knotted.

"You got out of here once, you won't get out twice!" He untied my wrists only to pull my elbows behind my back and tied them together using chakra wires. I tried to resist it, but without chakra, I was powerless. He pulled on the collar of my kimono, uncovering my breasts and pulled the bottom part open. I felt the cold air on my skin and shivered. He pulled on my hair forcing me to kneel on the rough concrete floor. The tips of his fingers grazed over my breast, and I could see him licking his lips in anticipation. He kissed my forehead.

"Be good, my child."

He knelt in front of me and pressed my head against his chest. His fingers slid down against my underwear and I could feel him searching for my folds. I tensed and tried to wiggle away, but he was strong and kept me firmly against him. He was rough, it hurt, but there was nothing I could do. Seeing I was so unresponsive, he pulled me by the neck and threw me face first on the ground. I could hear the sound of his open belt as he fumbled with his pants. After a while, he pulled my hips up, threw the bottom part of my kimono over my back and pushed my panties to my knees. He grunted as he slid the tip of his erection against my folds. I let out a choked sob, overwhelmed by a strong emotion.

It wasn't the fact that I was about to be raped by a guy I hated, it was something else. A huge feeling of helplessness, of loneliness. People hadn't come for me, there was no one who cared or knew. Those people I had loved and trusted had moved on with their lives and left me behind. Iruka was dead, Sakura worked under Tsunade, Naruto seemed happy with Jiraiya and Kakashi… Kakashi, he did not want to have anything to do with me anymore.

But I wanted him to care! I wanted him to reach out for me and bring me back under his wing. I longed to see him smile, to feel his hand ruffling my hair. I wanted him to tell me I wasn't a complete failure, that he would drag me behind him if he needed to. I trusted him like I never trusted anyone before. With him, I felt safe.

I would do anything for him to come back.

Tears fell once more from my eyes. My whole body twisted in pain as I let out a last broken cry.

"Kakash…"

A strong hand muffled my mouth and I heard Takashi's low voice against my ear.

"Don't say that name anymore, child, it's over. He won't come for you now."

Saying that, he rammed into me.

I screamed from pain; my eyes filled with tears.

There was a loud clash of thunder and heavy rain started to pound on my bedroom window.

xXXXx

Realizing it was all just a dream, I collapsed, muffling my cries in my pillow. I was alone… so very alone.

The Citadel… Since I arrived in Konoha, I never dreamt about it. I had been happy. I had been naive. The Citadel was where I belonged. I didn't deserve the warmth and the love everyone had given me. I just took and had nothing to give in return. I was a waste of time and energy.

I looked outside. The rain was heavy and the wind squalls bent the branches of the nearby trees.

I felt a presence.

I looked at the surroundings and finally found it.

Sitting on the opposite roof was an ANBU with a white porcelain dog mask. He was looking over the village hugging his knees close to his body, his grey hair half washed back. He was coming back from a mission. It was a difficult one. I could tell from the blood that still remained on is armor despite the rain. His mask was fierce, but he himself looked small and sad. Since the events of ROOT, I feared a bit ANBU… for some reason, I felt different toward him.

"Have you lost someone too ANBU san?" I said. It was almost a whisper. I knew he couldn't hear me and even if he did, he wouldn't care, but, maybe it was because he looked so sad, I felt some kind of connection to him. I wanted to open my door to him, to make sure he wasn't getting cold sitting out there in the rain, but he was ANBU, that would have been silly.

I looked at him for a while and felt a calming feeling wash over me. I went to bed and slept.

::

Once the genin teams got their mission scrolls, the mornings in the mission room were usually quiet. Of course, jōnins stayed around to spread the latest gossips, but I kind of enjoyed listening to them. That morning, Genma arrived late with a mission report in his hand. He casually gave it to Kotetsu as he patted his back and went to sit with the others, looking excited.

"Hey Raido!" he said in a loud cheerful voice. "There's something I have to tell you!"

Raido didn't seem impressed by that. It was true that amongst the ton of gossips Genma brought in, there were only a few that held some interest. Still, Raido turned to him.

"What? You won the bet with Anko? The one about Gai's underwear?"

Genma quickly closed his eyes in disgust.

"No, No! It's way better than that!" he said a wide grin growing on his lips. "Hound is back, man!"

"What?"

Hearing that, the mission room went completely silent. Genma continued:

"Yeah, I didn't believe it either until I saw him right in front of my eyes slicing enemies like a knife through butter. He sure hasn't lost his touch!"

Making himself comfortable, he pulled a senbon from his holster and chewed on it. Raido still looked skeptical.

"You are sure it was him? They could have given his mask to someone else?"

Genma shook his head.

"No, it WAS him. I can tell. I already saw him when I was twenty-something. He has a way of getting things done you can't ever forget!"

Raido scratched his head and frowned as if trying to get rid of dark mental images.

"It's true he is kind of brutal…"

My curiosity was piqued. I didn't know many famous shinobi apart from Tsunade and Kakashi.

"Sorry…" I said, kind of ashamed of the question. "Who... is Hound?"

Everyone turned toward me. It felt incredibly weird. Genma chewed on his senbon for a few seconds before turning toward me too.

"Nah, you kid wouldn't know. It makes sense. We all thought he had died five or six years ago. The man is a fucking legend, the most skilled and cold-hearted ANBU there ever was — and we all know how much being a heartless killing machine is already a requirement in ANBU. They say he gets the nastiest jobs because he is the only one able to do them without breaking... Legend has it that he has killed whole villages including women and children…"

Genma leaned closer to me, his expression becoming dark.

"They say he is not human anymore."

"This has to have some part of myth to it, right?" I said a bit doubtful. I knew how shinobi, and especially Genma, tended to embellish their stories.

Raido looked at me with wide eyes and a tensed expression as he shook his head quietly. I knew he was more reasonable than his friend. For once, Genma was probably saying the truth.

Genma came close to me.

"He has a dog mask and spiky silver hair. If you ever meet him, my advice is: run," he said caressing my cheek with the back of his hand. "Who knows what he could do to a cute girl like you!" He winked.

Raido rolled his eyes.

"Genma! Hound is on our side. Don't scare her like that!"

"Maa, the guy is mentally disturbed as best, but most probably psycho... and getting old. One day he's gonna snap!"

"It's true he probably sees more horrors in a year than we do during our whole shinobi careers," Raido replied, "but like all the ANBU, he is closely monitored and they would 'remove' him if he gets unstable."

Genma crossed his arms over his chest.

"Yeah... that's what they tell us... Anyway, ANBU don't retire, they are either killed or sent on suicide missions. It is a wonder he's still alive."

::

When I came back home, the ANBU was there. I looked at the mask and the details of the motifs on it. There was no doubt. It was him.

Hound.

The deadliest shinobi in Konoha had taken the habit of sitting on the roof opposed to my place. It was strange but it seemed that he liked the view there or something. Who knew what really happened in his head.

I should have been scared because of what Genma had told me but I wasn't.

I looked at him carefully. He had a thin and nervous body. He was probably quite tall once standing up. He was resting on his elbows, his head tilted back toward the sky. Both his hair and porcelain mask shone in the bright afternoon sun. There was something to him that made him look a bit rebellious. I didn't know if it was his hair, his posture or the fact that he was so casually sitting on a roof that wasn't his own, but he didn't feel like other ANBU. I couldn't imagine him following orders easily. I felt privileged to be able to look at him in such an unguarded state. It was refreshing to see that even the elite could enjoy life from time to time.

For some reason, I wasn't appalled by the fact that he was a heartless animal who probably could kill cute kittens as if they were merely annoying flies. Because of what I had lived before arriving here, I understood that sometimes you don't have the choice or you just don't understand the real impact of your actions. It had taken me Team 7 to figure it out and that kind of opportunity wasn't something that happened often in a lifetime.

No, I wasn't scared of him. In fact, I trusted him. To have him here, it felt safe… and less lonely.

For the first time in a week, I smiled.


	63. Chapter 63: Tsunade: Amongst the Others

_Sorry for the long delay between posts!_  
 _The good news is that all the work I did this summer paid off well, so I didn't make you wait for nothing._  
 _The bad news is that I am again entering a few chapters where I'll be placing my pawns for what is coming up and I am kind of sucking at that... so it takes more time since I throw most of my writing in the trash!_  
 _Thank you so much for keeping up (I know I repeat that a lot, but you really make my day)!_

 **Chapter 63: Tsunade: One amongst the Others**

I looked at the rain falling in large drops on the windows.

It gave the impression that it would never stop, that the sky would never be finished crying the sacrifices the village had done and all the deaths caused by the last attack. Those people, the shinobi who had given their lives, but also the people, ninja or civilians that did not survive, those that I couldn't protect, had become celebrated heroes. It stung to see pictures of them hung in bars, restaurants and offices. It was the reminder of my greatest failure as Hokage. But the one picture that stung more than any other was that of the youngest of the sacrificed: Umino Iruka.

Sure, he would have died anyway, but there was something about the fact that he had given every second of his too short life to others that was humbling. His name has been carved beside Konoha's greatest heroes, and a monument had been erected to him on the ground of the school he loved so much, but it didn't seem nearly enough. The only thing I could do is protect the village he cherished with all his heart.

I walked into my office, not really ready to move on, but still having to send more men to war. There had been so many sacrifices already, but there would be more. Of the forty ANBU kneeling in front of me today, who knew how many would still be standing in a year from now? I looked at them all. They were the elite of the elites; loyal and fearsome, disciplined to a fault. Kakashi was there, the third one from the left. He had his right knee on the ground, head bowed in submission, just like the others.

It tore my heart.

I loved the brat. Behind his "not-giving-a-fuck" attitude, he was brilliant, passionate and loyal. He wasn't on the list of potential Hokage for nothing… But he wasn't that silver-haired shinobi that stuck out so much anymore, the unruly brat that never failed to make me smile. He was obedient, serious. He had this dark aura that enveloped most ANBU. The Kakashi that I had come to admire and esteem was gone.

I remembered the last time I had seen him. It was a few days ago. I had called on him at a time I knew Hiroki would be training in the field near the Hokage tower. It had been intentional. I wanted him to see her, hoping once more that he would change his mind. Hiroki had not been nearly the same since he left her on her own. I provided the best tutors, but it was as if she had forgotten how to learn. The will of fire that had burned so brightly in her had died off. It was time for him to see that.

Kakashi had walked into my office in his jōnin uniform, back straight and his visible eye alert.

"What can I do for you, Tsunade sama?"

My stomach had twisted as the sound of the honorific, but I kept a straight face.

"I called you to have a debrief of the battles that occurred after the explosion of the Takao-yama. I called on several officers, but there are still gaps." His brow raised for an instant, but apart from that, he did not react. I didn't know if he found that suspicious or not — clever as he was, he maybe had been able to see this was only a pretext — but I continued as if there was nothing.

"I thought that I could share what they told me and you could fill in with what you saw?"

I started to ramble about the battle that went on in the day's following Iruka's death. He nodded, added details as I went on.

It took a while, but he finally did it; he looked over my shoulder to the window and the training field outside. It was subtle, but I could see the change immediately. His body had tensed, his gaze now shifted from me to the window with regularity. He nervously rubbed his index with his thumb.

"Kakashi," I said as I stood up, "I think things would be clearer for me with a map. Let me go grab one."

I exited the room, giving him some time alone to observe his ex-student.

When I came back, he stood by the window with arms crossed. He wasn't looking anymore, but I could tell he was deep in thought.

I spread the map on the table pushing the various desk accessories to make space.

He broke the silence:

"Those teachers you assigned her," he said looking at me with a reproachful glance, "they are not good enough."

"What do you mean?" I replied pretending not to get the context.

"Hiroki." The darkness in his eye as he said her name was frightening.

"I haven't seen her on missions, but it is truly that bad ne?" I said candidly.

He remained silent and avoided my gaze by turning back to the window.

"Brat, not everyone is a genius like you. I'm doing my best, but you seem to have forgotten that my very first choice of tutor for her refused."

This was a barely hidden accusation. I wanted him to react, but again he didn't utter a word. I walked to him and put my hand on his shoulder.

"Seriously Kakashi, I tried. I did all I could, but her training is still incomplete. For her own safety, I cannot send her into risky missions with her current skill level..."

His eye closed again as he pondered what I had told him. I looked at him. He was a formidable shinobi, strong, tall and intelligent… but life had relentlessly targeted him. He had lost, his father, his sensei, his friends, and now his lover…

He silently walked back to the desk and bent over the map. He squinted at it, then pointed at the forest beside the camp.

"There, when I brought Iruka to the camp, I saw something suspicious."

We continued the meeting. That had been all that I could get from him. We did not exchange a word after that.

I bit my lip and stood up. No matter how sad I thought it was, that's where he wanted to be. What could I do about it?

I stood proudly in front of my ANBU. I couldn't let them see my doubts. Group after group, I gave out assignments. I already knew some of them were suicide missions, but it had to be done. One individual to save many; it was a logical choice a leader had to make far too often. I just hoped I could spare Kakashi. I didn't know how I would cope with his death if it ever came to this.

After the meeting, I looked at him, trying to make eye contact, but I could feel no sense of recognition behind the shiny white mask. He just went away, one amongst the others.

I had failed... not just to protect the village, but to protect people like Kakashi...

I turned to the window and looked at the rain outside, wondering once again if it would ever stop.


	64. Chapter 64: Kakashi: Drifting thoughts

_Well, that took some time! I am sorry…_  
 _I think I threw this chapter to trash at least twice._  
 _The other versions were more action based, but Kakashi was too much of a jerk, and I don't know if you guys would have let me live after reading_ them ; _o)._  
 _This version is way more forgiving to him._

 **Chapter 64: Kakashi: Drifting thoughts**

I drifted from one mission to the next, each time coming back with more blood on my hands. Our last mission was successful... again. It was late at night, and we were quite far from enemy territory, so we indulged in a small nap break before making the way back to Konoha.

I made myself a bed among the ferns and moss. The air was cold. Drops of rain that filtered through the leaves of the tall trees over us kept hitting me like little stones. Tenzō kept watch. I tried to sleep, but I couldn't forget what I had seen a few days ago. I couldn't forget Hiroki...

I didn't recognize her. She struggled in a way that was painful to watch. She had been a brilliant child and a creative fighter, but all those things I had loved about her were gone... It was not just this bad training session I saw from Tsunade's window. I watched her from time to time and I couldn't help but notice the accumulation of those small little things... the way she distanced herself from others, the way she seemed to never learn anything new, and — it was probably what hurt me the most — the way she had gone back to limping again… when no one watched.

It hurt.

It hurt more than I was willing to acknowledge.

I couldn't help to see how deeply she needed someone who cared by her side. Konoha was doing nothing for her. They were providing tutors, but no one was even remotely inspiring. In a time of stretched resources, that was all the village had to spare. I wanted her to thrive. Instead, she sank a bit more every day it seemed…

Part of me wanted to reach out to her.

It wanted it badly.

I wanted to try to soothe her pain and make her smile once more. I wanted to help her pick up where she left and pull her back on her feet again. I couldn't quite forget the pleasure I had teaching her, or the sparkles in her eyes when we sparred together. I missed her quiet presence, our wordless understanding.

But I couldn't let myself approach her.

And there were too many reasons for that.

The first was that I couldn't protect her forever.

That's not what the ninja life was about. She had to survive this, understand that friends will be lost to death and betrayal. She had to understand that, in order to survive, she could only rely on herself. She will make other friends, belong to other teams, but nothing in the shinobi world is made to last… and she will have to move on.

Another reason was that I wasn't the man she knew anymore.

I slew people... so many people. My hands were perpetually tainted with blood. I lived in a nightmare from which there was no awakening. I was born to kill. This was the only thing I knew. I was grateful for the anonymity of ANBU. I wondered how Team 7 would react if they saw me when I went berserk on shinobi from other villages for dubious reasons. I could still see Hiroki's eyes when we first met in that Citadel looking at me with so much compassion even if I was nothing to her. How would she look at me now if she knew what sacrifices I did for the village?

And lastly, I couldn't trust myself around her.

I had brought her so much more harm than good. Around her I became impulsive. I became anxious to succeed in saving her as a way to atone for how I failed with so many others. Instead of giving her a quiet and happy life, I brought everyone's attention to her and showed them just how special she was. Doing this, I put her in constant danger… But the worse is that latent desire I had for her. I was pretty confident it was gone after Iruka opened his arms to me, but the way I had looked at her that long ago night, hovering over her frail body, and what I had wanted to do to her is something I could not forget. I had to make sure she stayed away… or even hate me if that was, what it took! Because, if some harm came to her by my fault, I would not survive it.

I turned over in the moss, earning a concerned gaze from Tenzō. I was cold, but a cape would have been of no use in this rain. It would have only slowed us down… and the cold was not what kept me from sleeping anyway.

I kept telling myself that I shouldn't care, that I wasn't responsible for her anymore, but somewhere inside, despite all my logic, I could not accept it.

Or rather Hound could not accept it.

Hound pulled me to her like a magnet. He was mesmerized by the beauty of her mangekyo, by her strength, her loyalty and her wits on the battlefield. He would make me watch over her like a dark angel, just in case something happened...

Just in case something bad...

But there was no "in case" really. Hiroki was safe. Hound just wanted to be there although he had nothing to bring her but darkness and pain. Even so far away from home, I felt the familiar itch that told me that I couldn't leave her alone, that I should go do something for her.

And there was something I could do, something I wanted to test and, for that, Hound needed Kakashi.

I got up and shook my head trying to get rid of some of the rainwater. Hound was ready to go. I looked nervously at Tenzō who nodded knowingly and jumped into the trees, heading for Konoha.

She needed someone she trusted to give her a small push in the right direction, someone who would stoke up the fire that used to burn so bright in her.

I wasn't the man she knew anymore, but I could pretend…

I could be Kakashi for her…

…just one last time.


	65. Chapter 65: Hiroki: Training with Ebisu

**Chapter 65: Hiroki: Training with Ebisu**

That morning, I woke up to another nightmare. They were all different, yet all the same in a way. They were not all at the Citadel, but I was always alone. Waking up from those nightmares in an empty home did not provide any relief. Sometimes I climbed into Iruka's bed, but the faint traces of his chakra had disappeared a long time ago. Outside of that, all my days were filled with the same routine. I woke up, ate breakfast, went to the mission desk in the morning, then trained with my assigned tutor in the afternoon. After that, I would take a shower, fix myself a quick meal and indulge in a crappy novel until bedtime. I was truly alone.

That afternoon, as usual, I went to the practice ground. It was Ebisu sensei that had been in charge of my training lately. I knew he had the reputation to be one of the best and taught many good shinobi, but training with Ebisu was hard, not because the techniques he taught were difficult in themselves, but because I somehow couldn't grasp them. Whenever he taught me, I felt empty, even sad. I went through his mandatory training the same way I went through the few missions assigned to me. I felt like a corpse. Maybe I didn't have it inside of me to be a ninja. Maybe I hit the point above which I couldn't rise anymore. Maybe I should just quit?

The worse about this is that I knew where it would lead me if I stayed in that path. I would go on a mission, and die. I didn't know how to fight, I didn't even understand what I was supposed to know. There was no way I could survive in a world where everyone understood the game and I didn't. The only thing I had for me was that I had been the student of Iruka and Kakashi. People seemed to respect me for that. They thought that, if I was worthy of the attention of the best, there must have been something with me that was noteworthy… but Iruka was dead and Kakashi gone. Without them, I was nothing more than a miserable kunoichi. I had two choices now, either drop it and become a civilian or die trying to reach Kakashi. Some part of me wanted to try. If there was but the smallest hope that I could reach him, I would try and risk it.

But all hope had gone away… long ago… and I was here, with Ebisu, practicing over and over again that same block that I could not grasp. It was exactly when I wanted to throw it all away and go back home that we were interrupted:

"Oi!"

I froze. That voice... it had been ages since I hadn't heard it. It was unmistakably Kakashi's... "You need to go at her with more than she can handle, Ebisu, otherwise she won't improve."

Kakashi had been watching us. For how long? He did not tell it outright, but I could see he was not happy with what he saw. I felt ashamed. I knew I underperformed, but there was no motivation for me to do anything more... so I had slacked... a lot.

Kakashi looked at me, his gaze scrutinizing my whole body, scanning for possible injuries: head, legs arms, shoulders, torso... When he found none, he looked at Ebisu and said in a bored tone as if I were not even there:

"Want me to show you what she is capable of?"

He didn't let the other man answer and just slowly walked toward me. I knew he had been right. I wasn't improving much if at all. It had never happened before, but today I felt anxious at the idea of fighting with him. No, it was more than that, it was fear. Fear at the idea of deceiving him, of betraying the trust he had in my abilities. If this were a battlefield, I would likely be killed, or at least be a liability. I wasn't skilled enough anymore. Could it be that I actually had lost most of the progress I had gained with Kakashi? I remembered now why I had been improving. I had wanted to impress him, I wanted him to be proud of me. I would have done anything for that, but with him gone, I had dropped all efforts... Was that it? Me wanting to be a shinobi just to impress a man? That was pitiful. He would probably see it now...

He took a fighting stance and looked at me with a cold eye. He sent a punch toward me. Instinctively, I crouched and swept the ground with a kick in an attempt to get his legs. Of course, he dodged easily. I wasn't even fast. I was still in the lousy repetitive mood I had been into during the practice. But he came back at me right away and sent a kick to my chest. I raised my arm to block it but didn't even try to retaliate. For a split second, I felt a pang of pain pass through his eye. It hurt more than any blow he could have landed on me. He had given me so much and what did I do with it… He seemed thoughtful for a while, and then a malicious expression grew over his face. He could have hit me strong and end the fight, but instead, he started to throw easy blows at me. I could block them so easily it was almost insulting. I could see Ebisu's utterly unimpressed expression in the corner of my field of vision, but the blows kept on coming at me at a faster and faster rate until I started to become slightly overwhelmed... and annoyed! What was he proving anyway? I knew I was bad. He didn't have to rub it in my face that way...

Then I felt it.

It was a small spark in the shadows of my soul, but a light shone. In frustration, I had tried to grab Kakashi's wrist in between two blocks. He nagged me letting out an amused chuckle, but he kept on attacking.

"You need to be way quicker than that to get me!" he said, smiling. He was trying to get something out of me or should I say reach to something buried deep inside...

I remembered how it had been training together. It was an interesting mix of challenge and play. He would show me I was wrong but never tell me what to do. He always forced me to figure it out. I started to let him come dangerously close, waiting for an opportunity to land a good blow, but he saw me coming and spaced his attacks making them gradually more difficult to counter. I finally smiled… and he smiled back. I could see his eye start to focus and think of his next moves. I knew him well enough to anticipate some of them, but not all. He did not land a serious blow on me, but it was clear I couldn't keep up with him, not anymore. I was too out of shape. He grabbed both of my wrists in one hand and pinned me to a tree.

That ended the fight.

He didn't have to correct me. He didn't have to explain a thing. I understood it all too well. I knew exactly what I had to work on and how much I had lost in term of progress.

I looked at Ebisu. He was stunned. Kakashi's eye curved upwards in a smile.

"A whole world of difference isn't it? I bet you have never seen that," but then, he immediately turned his gaze to me. "A teacher cannot reach a student that is not listening… I have been trying for a while to make you use that block you have been practicing right before I interrupted, but you didn't. It should have been fresh in your memory and been the first thing you used. You could have ended the fight many times if you just had remembered it... It's a useful little trick he showed you there."

My heart sank. I knew it. I knew I wasn't making the effort... but it had been so easy to do it with Kakashi a few minutes ago! I just felt so alive, it felt so right! He walked to a flat stone, sat on it and picked up his book.

"Try again, Hiroki. Fight him... and Ebisu don't give her any chances!"

Ebisu looked at him in his usual snobbish manner but took a fighting stance anyway. I, however, was still catching my breath. I didn't have a fight like that in months.

"Give me ten seconds..." I said a hand still pressed on my chest.

"Maa, Hiroki, you know that there is nothing like that in the ninja world..." Kakashi answered playfully, but I could see it in his eyes. It was an order.

I faced Ebisu, but I was distressed. Kakashi was there, I could not slack off. I wanted him... to be proud...

I had to pick up all that I had and, if not impress him, at least not deceive him as much. I was not fighting against Ebisu, I was fighting to regain what Kakashi had given me. This part of him that was in me. His teachings, it was the only thing I had left from him, I had to keep it alive.

Ebisu saw the resolve in my eyes and instinctively backed up. Could he be afraid too? We were in a public space, he had more to lose than I if things did not go his way. This was a trial for both of us. I attacked him determined to show Kakashi I could still do this. I became bolder and slowly started to read into Ebisu's moves. It felt as if Kakashi had given me the key to understand his style... I didn't know how though. As the fight progressed, it became clear that Ebisu was stuck on defensive, that I could get him... Then it dawned on me. I understood what Kakashi had meant. There was an edge to the block I had practiced all morning. I had to use it.

I forced Ebisu to try to land a kick on me. I blocked him, but by an effortless twist of my arms, I could lock on his leg and send him spinning to the ground. I started the movement, but then it felt wrong. People had stopped to watch us, drawn by the level of the fight. I was just a genin and although Ebisu wasn't at Kakashi's level (who truly was!), he still didn't deserve his reputation to be crushed that way. I let go, pretending I had missed the move and fell heavily on my butt while Ebisu elegantly recovered. I stayed on the ground for a while.

"Are you ok?" said Ebisu kindly offering me his hand, obviously relieved that his reputation was still intact.

"I think I am fine, thank you sensei," I answered humbly.

Kakashi stood up and walked toward us.

"See where your student is at, Ebisu?" he said ruffling my hair like he always did when we were in Team 7. I did not want to smile, at least not so brightly, but having Kakashi acknowledge me as he used to do before Iruka's death felt incredibly good. I was his student again, and he was proud of me.

Ebisu was not that pleased.

"A sobering lesson, indeed," he said, his pride definitely hurt. "I guess its enough for today. I'll let you two catch up. It seems it has been a long time since you've seen one another."

I bowed to him respectfully.

"Thank you for your teachings, Ebisu sensei."

He waved to us and left quietly.

Kakashi closed his orange book. He had taken it out of his pocket at the beginning of the fight, but this was just a deception, I knew he had watched every second of it carefully and now seemed to be replaying the fight in his head. I was scared of his judgement. I had done better the second time around, but that was nothing compared to where I should have been.

I don't know what he read in my expression, but he put his hand on my shoulder and laughed.

"If a student feels the need to take pity on their sensei like that, it means that it's not worth it. You could have crushed him, Hiroki... but you didn't."

He was overestimating my actual strength and the advantage I had over Ebisu, but he was right on one point. I could have won that fight, but felt bad about it… I looked down.

"Kakashi... I…"

I trailed off. How could I finish that sentence? I wanted to tell him how much I missed him, how much I wanted to move back into his life, even is it was just a little. I wanted to beg him not to go away again, to stay even for just a few more minutes. I needed him, I needed him so much.

There was an awkward silence for a while and I struggled not to let the tears fall.

He put his hand on my shoulder. I couldn't help but raise my head.

"Hiroki, you are not a bad kunoichi. In fact, on the battlefield, you have a good intuition and are a great tactical thinker. You read people and situations well. This is something that cannot really be taught. You fight in an unconventional way and, as a sensei, I decided to help you push on those skills…" I felt his hand run down my shoulder to the side of my arm and I shivered at the warmth in his voice. I knew he was not lying about this. When you sucked, Kakashi would say it directly. He wouldn't spare anyone. In a world where you could die at the slightest mistake, he felt lying about this was a disservice. His hand finally dropped completely as he looked away. He continued:

"You have to be aware that not many shinobi will acknowledge that. You lack technique. Tutors don't know how to assess your skills. To their eyes, you look clumsy and untrained. This is why most of them will try to teach you technique first and miss what makes you unique. That doesn't mean that they have nothing to teach you. You do have a lack to fill in technique. Take their teachings, see how you can make them work for you. Try to become the best you can be, ne?"

He smiled at me, his eye curving upwards, but I could feel it was off. He was hiding something, but with his mask on, it was harder to tell. The tip of his fingers ran over my temple, combing my hair back behind my ear. This was an unconventional gesture for him to do. Something had changed between us, but I couldn't tell what or why.

"I'll see you at the mission desk…"

He did a small salute then turned away, ready to leave. This too was different. He never left me so abruptly before. It was almost as if he was running away from me… but then he stopped and looked back:

"A last thing… try to make friends," he said. "I know many important people in your life went away but they say the hole in one's heart gets filled by others around you. If you let others in, losses will hurt less."

That was it. I looked at his back for a while, but I felt a growing urge to cry. I turned away and ran home.

When I climbed the stairs leading to my apartment, I looked up, hoping to see Hound, but his usual spot was empty. So I did not go in and I sat on the roof instead, knees tucked under my chin. Fifteen minutes of sparring and a few words were all that it took him to shake me to the core. He had not only made sense of my whole situation, but also gave me tools to move forward if I chose to. I understood why he left me behind. He lived and thought at an entirely other level…

One I could never catch up to.


	66. Chapter 66: Hiroki: A New Team

**Chapter 66: Hiroki: A New Team**

I jumped awake.

There was a loud bang at the door.

I looked at the blinds. There was no light coming out from behind. It was still completely dark outside. I jumped out of bed, taking a kunai on the way. I heard the banging again. Someone definitely wanted to contact me.

I looked at the clock on the kitchen wall, it was only 4 am, something must have gone very wrong. I couldn't see why someone would come here otherwise. I felt anxiety building up. What if something bad was happening in the village? What if someone I knew was critically injured, or even dead?

I heard the banging for the third time, the person on the other side was quite strong, and the door was almost begging me to save her. I hid the kunai in the elastic band of my pants and opened.

I faced a wall of green spandex. The man was tall and muscular —his outfit definitely left no place to the imagination— but he also had a strange haircut and probably the thickest eyebrows I had ever seen. He scratched the back of his head like a kid:

"I am sorry dear Hiroki chan. Did I disturb your peaceful slumber?" He did not even wait for my answer before talking again. "Let me present myself. I am Maito Gai, Konoha's sublime Blue Beast. You have been entrusted to my care young Hiroki. It is really an honour for me to have the privilege to train the blossoming talents of the last Leaf Uchiha." Although it was pitch black outside, I could swear the man was glowing. "I wanted to make sure you had time to prepare. We will train on ground 6 at five, dear friend."

He smiled, raised his thumb, and, in a flash, my doorstep was desert.

That was strange, but I had no time to think about it. I knew Tsunade would assign me a new teacher eventually. I prepared myself and left.

When I arrived at the training ground one hour later, the sun was barely rising.

A young boy ran toward me with enthusiasm. As he came closer, I could see he had the exact same outfit as Maito Gai… Was that some kind of mandatory outfit? What kind of weird job did Tsunade enlist me for?… I was relieved when I saw he was followed by a girl wearing normal clothes. Bless Kami, I wouldn't have to wear that too! Rock Lee and Tenten greeted me warmly. I hadn't slept much and knew I had dark circles under my eyes, but still attempted a smile. They explained to me that I was to replace Neiji, their teammate, who had been injured in their last mission and had been prescribed six months of rest.

I was on a team again. Of course, I couldn't forget about Sakura, Naruto and Kakashi. They were still my family, but the warmth of Rock Lee and Tenten's welcome reminded me of my first days in Team 7.

We ran all morning. Tenten had her full gear on while Mini-Gai wore heavy weights to his ankles. I, on the other side, never had to carry more than what could fit in a pouch, I had never trained for that, so Gai sensei lent me his backpack which was filled with things so heavy that I wondered how he had been able to carry it around so effortlessly. As I trained, I couldn't help but think about how different Kakashi and Gai sensei were. Kakashi had a very different philosophy about how to train a ninja, and I would say that while Gai sensei aimed at developing incredibly strong and sturdy weapons, Kakashi aimed at making his genins as sharp as possible.

I could understand why Rock Lee had attained the level he was at despite his inability to form proper justu. Gai sensei encouraged each of us with passion, including me, and seemed not to care if I was first or last as long as I gave it all I could. Even from the other end of the field, I could hear him cheer form me:

"Hirokiiiiiiiii! You can do iiiiiiit! Harness the power of your youuuuth!"

His enthusiasm made it impossible not to give that one extra push.

After the morning, I was dead exhausted. I slept through lunch and was woken up for the afternoon practice. All exercises Gai sensei gave to his team were ridiculously hard. We had to hang from a branch with our toes, dodge Tenten's weapons while jumping from one rock to another over rapids, and climb a tree with our hands tied to our heads. The last exercise was throwing kunai at a target while doing a handstand. I couldn't even do handstand... and I had been famous in Team 7 for not being able to do the kunai throw either. After I fell for the sixteenth time trying to straighten my legs up, I decided I would just quit.

Lee walked to me and knelt down. I could see a soft concern on his face.

"Don't quit. You can do anything if you work hard at it. You can achieve all your dreams, fulfill all your hopes! Get up, Hiroki chan, I'll show you that you are stronger than you think!"

I looked down. I didn't disagree with him, but there was something else... there was an emptiness in me that couldn't be filled.

"Sorry Lee..." I said, "I… I don't know if I have a dream to fight for anymore..."

He looked at me shaking all over. For him, losing one's goal was probably as bad as losing one's legs.

"You can't let that happen Hiroki chan, you need to find your inner dream!"

I took a big breath and shook my head. After the Citadel, my life had been built around Kakashi. Now that he was gone I didn't know if I could find a reason to go on.

I walked away.

"Hiroki chan..." he called back with deception in his voice but did not follow me.

I felt bad. I knew he was trying to reach out to me, but I was broken. Too broken to be repaired easily it seemed.

I sat near a small river hoping to gather my soul back together. I was on the brink of tears, but it was as if it wouldn't come out. I only felt a knot in my throat. I missed Kakashi... and frankly, the way he had left the last time we met still hurt. Why was he avoiding me that way? Why did I feel like an unwanted child when I was beside him?

I heard the sound of sandals on the grass. It was Gai sensei. He sat beside me but stayed silent.

That surprised me. I was sure he would just have forced me back on my feet and try to convince me with one of his memorable speeches on youth, but he probably knew I was beyond that.

"My rival had told me that your youthful spirit was withering away," he said gravely, "but I didn't know it was so serious my dear friend. Do you truly feel that lost?"

I nodded.

I felt a compassion in his gaze, a warmth that was strangely compelling... he was so genuine he was easy to trust. Still, I was puzzled. Apart from this one time with Ebisu, Kakashi was never around. He could have discussed that WITH me but instead he disappeared again... what did he care...

"How come Kakashi told you something like that?" I asked without much conviction.

"When he heard Neji would be on sick leave for another six months he begged me to take you in my team."

"What? Kakashi... begged you?"

"Yes, you are right young Hiroki. Usually, my esteemed rival is too hip to beg. But it seems that when it comes to the well-being of his beloved ones, he is not above that. Now that I have seen you, my friend, I start to understand his clever motives."

I did too. He saw the fire dying in me and pressured some people so that I would be entrusted in the care of one of the most intense teams that ever existed. Each time I thought he had let me down, I felt his presence lurking in the shadows. Tears rose to my eyes again. What was I to him? The way he behaved around me I was certain I was an annoyance, but, if so, why did he take the time to do those things for me? I hugged my knees and let out a long sigh.

Gai sensei looked in the distance for a while. Then, his gaze went back to me.

"Youthful Hiroki, I agree with you. There is no point to work yourself so hard if you don't believe in anything. That is why I swear we will find your inner goal together this month or I'll run 500 laps around the village while knitting you a sweater."

A sweater?

Well at least no matter how it ended I would get something in the end, although I wasn't sure if I should be happy about getting a sweater knitted by Gai sensei...

He stood up, offering me his hand.

"Now, smile a little, my young one; otherwise I'll mistake you for my rival in his youthful years."

Kakashi had said to make friends. I wasn't ready to fill the hole he left behind, but I couldn't refuse Gai sensei's offer either.

My hand touched his, and I was pulled into his strange world.

::

 _ **Unless I change my mind, there won't be a chapter from Kakashi's point of view for a little while, but bear with me, I swear this is a Kakashi-centric fiction and that he'll be around.**_

 _ **Also, merry Christmas and happy new year to all of you my lovely readers. I am saying it often, but it is even more relevant as this monster of a story grows bigger: I feel so privileged to have you around!**_


	67. Chapter 67: Hiroki:Glimpse into the Dark

**Chapter 67: Hiroki: A glimpse into the Darkness**

The training had taken its toll.

I had no clue how Team Gai could work so hard every day. As I came back from the field, I dragged my feet on the uneven roads, looking at the sun slowly going down. It took me a while, but, finally, I was home. I climbed the stairs, but my muscles refused to cooperate anymore. I stumbled down a few steps and winced.

I suddenly felt a chakra spike. Hound was there and, from his seating place on the roof, had moved a few inches forward. This made me smile. He was an elite. The training I did would have been nothing to him, but still, he had moved, he was worried for me.

I didn't know if I should acknowledge his reaction, I didn't know If he would be ok knowing that I saw him, so I just got back on my feet and smiled some more, as if for myself, and climbed up again. As I looked over my shoulder, I saw him slowly sit back on his ankles. It felt weird to see a killer like him have this protective instinct toward me. From what I had heard in the mission room, he was the very cruellest of all ANBUs. Maybe his reputation was overrated, maybe he still had a few pieces of heart left in him.

I threw my holsters on a hook and took off my boots, then walked to the window to look at Hound one last time. The pink and orange light of the sunset reflected on his white armour, and the wind blew lightly on his silver hair. He looked fine, no injury or blood on his uniform… probably didn't have a mission on that day. Knowing what ANBU did during their missions, I was happy for him.

I took a quick shower and fell into my bed, immediately swallowed by a dreamless sleep.

::

With Team Gai, I trained hard every day. It was almost insane. Tenten and Rock Lee quickly became close friends, and on the heaviest training session, we took the habit of ending the day at Ichiraku, just like we did with Team 7. On most days, I could see Hound perched on his favourite spot on the roof, and I could swear he threw a careful look at me each time I climbed the stairs to my apartment. With him too, even though we never actually talked, I felt a growing link.

It took only two weeks before Team Gai was assigned to its first mission. We met near the bridge with provisions and freshly polished weapons. It was a simple scroll delivery assignment. We would walk across the Land of Rivers to Suna, deliver a communication from the Hokage and wait for the answer before coming back. We were all excited to go. This meant not only that we would see new lands and villages, but it was also a welcomed break in our training regimen.

Gai sensei stood proud in the morning light, a radiant smile on his lips. He extended his right hand in front of him.

"Team Gai!" he said almost too loud for such an early morning.

Lee put his hand over that of his sensei immediately. I looked at Tenten. She rolled her eyes, visibly discouraged by what she thought of as a childish ritual, but followed Lee. Gai sensei looked at me.

"You are part of the team too now, dear Hiroki, please join in my youthful friend!"

Part of a team… that was a feeling I did not have since Team 7. But he was right, I had found somewhat of a family with the three of them. That thought made me smile. I put my hand over theirs, and we started chanting.

"Fight! Fight! Fight! Fiiiiiight!"

We jumped in the trees, and we were on our way.

We ran for an hour before I noticed a change in Gai sensei's attitude. Despite being the most colourful shinobi I had ever met, on a mission, he could be serious and focussed. We stopped several feet before a large clearing. There was a fight going on. A single ANBU was fighting a dozen of Mist nins.

"He is an ally! We can't let him fight them alone," cried Rock Lee, his fists clenched. I couldn't help but agree. The man was broad and muscular, but there were too many enemies. Without help, he would fight to exhaustion and be killed for sure. I made one step forward, but Gai sensei put his arm in front of me.

"This is not a battle we shall fight. We are not strong enough for them."

"But Gai sensei," Lee argued, he will die if we don't help him.

Like a father, Gai sensei put his large hand on Lee's head.

"He won't. Not if others, more powerful, assist him."

We looked at him, puzzled. There was no one else around… wasn't there?

That is when we noticed a breeze, then felt a strong gush of wind brush past us.

In a blur, three other figures appeared in the clearing.

"ANBU? They are so fast!" I said unable to hide my excitement.

Four ANBU against twelve nins, that would give them a chance… especially with the kind of reinforcement that just arrived. I immediately recognized Hound, but also Cat, Kakashi's kohai. I was surprised to see them together, but even more surprised to notice that Hound wasn't the team leader. From what I had heard Hound had been a captain in his younger days, it was strange to see him under someone else's command. I couldn't really envision him following orders well. But on the other side, Cat was also a senior ANBU member and having been Kakashi's pupil certainly gave him an advantage. In any case, they seemed to work seamlessly together.

I felt a profound emotion watching the fight. I had heard countless stories about Hound, but couldn't really link them to the lone figure that sat on the roof across my apartment. This fight… that was what Hound was all about. Now that I saw it, I understood all the fuss around him. He was like a dancing shadow in the trees, jumping around effortlessly. It was as if he were as light as a feather but hit as hard as a giant mass. There was nothing like the speed, the grace and the sheer beauty of the ANBU with the dog mask.

When I turned around, Gai sensei looked at me with a dark expression.

"We have finally found what drives your heart... and of all shinobi, it had to be Him…" he said to himself. He let out a deep breath and put his hand on my shoulder.

"I cannot say it wouldn't suit you well…" he continued. "I could see you fight like that someday…"

I looked at him, but this new side of him was hard to read for me.

"You could, but you don't seem very warm to the idea, Gai sensei. Am I wrong?"

The left corner of his lips pulled upwards.

"You are not wrong, my youthful one. That is just not a path I wish anyone dear to me to take…" He looked again at the field, where the odds of the fight had decidedly turned against the attackers.

"To get there… What I mean is…" I had never seen him search so much for words. He stopped, then tried again. "They are fast, efficient and strong, but the tradeoff is cruel, Hiroki. It comes with missions that are beyond your imagination. It breaks them… That's why they end up in ANBU… Because that is where the powerful shinobi who have lost their souls end up."

"Shinobi like Hound?"

Gai sensei seemed to have known some ANBU rather personally. He let out a loaded sigh.

"Yes," he said gravely. "Shinobi like Hound."

The truth of what he said hit me hard. Because of my work at the mission desk, I caught glimpses of the kind of missions assigned to ANBU operatives but never considered that human beings ever did them. I looked again at that graceful angel of death fighting on the battlefield. Soulless beings that had lost too much to even feel pain…

I watched the end of the fight with a growing bitterness in my chest, wondering what happened to Hound, what it was like inside of his head, why was he perched on a roof most of the time? Did he even have friends, has he ever loved someone?… Or was he nothing more than a perfect human weapon, emotionless and thinking about nothing else but war?

Soon, the fight was over. Cat made a few hand gestures, and they were gone.

When I turned back to him, Gai sensei was still looking at me.

"I do not wish to see you end up like Hound," he said, "but I will assist you in your quest, Hiroki chan. It is unfortunate that the one who could teach you that the best refuses to take students… but I will help you get significantly closer to the level of this ANBU that inspires you so much."

"But… why?" asked, definitively not expecting him to consider that option.

"Because I trust in the strength and purity of your inner fire, my friend."


	68. Chapter 68: Tenzō: A Bad Turn

**Chapter 68: Tenzō: A Bad Turn**

Sempai was sinking into the darkness more and more each day. For the first time, I felt fear by his side. Something was terrifying about the way he moved, the efficiency behind each of his gestures, the small signs of impatience his body betrayed, but the worse was his silence and the unreadable stares.

The morning had not been great, but it hadn't been as bad as I had anticipated. Sempai had shown up in advance at our meeting point, fully geared and warmed up, ready for battle. I expected nothing less from him. Although he had looked like a slacker to his genin team, he was always serious when the situation called for it. He went by me, leaned on a tree and waited in silence. I could have insisted and talk to him, but it wasn't unlike what he had been as a team leader back then. I remembered days when he had been eerily silent. If he had meant it as a test or if he was truly ruminating something, I could never tell…

Kuma arrived next. I had worked with him before, but he had a bad injury that took him out of duty for a few months. It was his first day on the job in a while. Kuma was still young, but he was a strong shinobi with a heavy built that balanced well a team that was first and foremost composed of people that relied on speed and tactical thinking. Seeing sempai, Kuma immediately bowed.

"My name is Morino Kuma, it is an honour to work with the legendary Hound."

Sempai tilted his head to the side as if considering what the other ANBU was saying, then nodded. That would be the closest to a greeting Kuma would get.

Yugao arrived a few minutes after. As usual, she didn't talk to sempai, but the way she looked at him it showed she still felt something that wasn't entirely platonic for her ex-squad leader. Sempai just ignored her. Kuma looked at me, reading their interaction and probably wondering just as I did if it would impact the mission one day. I had nothing to say to reassure him. I could only hope for the best.

We left soon after that.

We jumped from one tree to the next at a rapid pace. Despite having left ANBU for so long, Kakashi followed well. He even seemed to have some extra energy to spare. Around noon, we took a break and sat together as explained the mission. It was as a two-part assignment: first, we had to locate a scroll carried by a mist traveller. We knew it contained crucial information about an upcoming attack attempt against an unknown border village. Once we got hold of that information, we were to travel to that village and annihilate the threat. Again, Sempai nodded but said nothing more.

Since we had stopped, Kuma volunteered to go fishing for us and Yugao gathered wood to make a fire. For a few seconds, Sempai looked at me in a way that felt so familiar it made my heart ache. He had always been a big brother to me; someone I could look up to for guidance and challenge. Being his superior felt wrong. I had been scared he would judge me, but according to Tsunade, team leader wasn't a function he could hold… at least not for now. He needed someone who would protect him from himself, even stand up to him if needed, and she thought that I was the only one who could do that for him.

I was absorbed in my gloomy thoughts when Sempai dug in his back pocket, pulled out a book and started to read. It wasn't Icha Icha, but this typical gesture made me smile. With his white porcelain mask turned to the side of his head, I could see his serious expression as his eye moved across the paper, then carefully turned the page with his gloved hand. I hoped he would raise his head and look at me with his aloof expression, just like he did so many years ago, I longed for the reassuring warmth of his hand on my shoulder that told me everything would be alright, that I was doing fine. I wanted to be able to trust him as I always did in the past. Beside him, I still felt like the little kid he saved from ROOT...

We both straightened up at the sudden feeling of a chakra spike. We looked at each other, knowing what it meant. "Shit! Kuma!" Yugao cursed dropping the wood she had gathered to the ground. Sempai pocketed his book, waiting for me to take a decision. I nodded at them and jumped ahead.

Fortunately, the enemies were decent shinobi, but nothing we couldn't handle. There was only a dozen of them, but it was better not to exhaust Kuma for nothing. From the corner of the battlefield, I looked at Sempai fight. He was as beautiful to watch as I remembered, but today, I could see the imperfections, the small slips. He pushed himself to emulate what Hound had done nearly a decade ago, but he was not in the same physical shape anymore and was clearly closer to his limits when he fought. I would have to be attentive to this. His attempt to match his old techniques could be a dangerous dare...

In less than ten minutes, the fight was over. With a team of enemy dead around, we couldn't afford to stay anymore. We would have to make do with munching on ration bars. I gathered the team and sent them ahead. As I looked behind us one last time, I wondered if Sempai had noticed his ex-pupil hidden in the bushes with Team Gai only a few feet away...

It took us a few hours to arrive close to an improvised camp that looked more than just a little suspicious. We knew one of the men there was probably the information carrier but had no clue as to who it was. Yugao decided to dress up as a countrywoman and slip into the group to investigate.

The wait was hard. I could see Sempai was impatient. He had strange tics and moved in nervous jolts. Absentmindedly, he started to carve the bark of a nearby tree with a kunai.

"Kakashi…" I whispered as softly as I could.

His head spun toward me way too fast, almost in anger. I wanted to talk to him, but I was scared of how he would react. The mission was too delicate to take the chance to upset him.

"Kakashi, we are not supposed to leave traces, find something else to do."

He stopped and crossed his arms over his chest, looking away. This was not a situation he liked. Sempai would rather be killed a thousand times than waiting while a comrade was in danger.

We were different. Yugao was in danger, but I trusted her. I looked at Hound beside me. Even with the mask, I could feel his negative energy attacking my very core. He was being annoying.

"Are you mad I decided to send Yugao?" I asked trying to keep a calm tone.

"No."

"Then stop sulking, Sempai."

"I am not sulking."

I sighed. He was getting on my nerves with his childish games, but there was nothing else to discuss. He wouldn't talk. When Sempai was in this mood, I knew it was better to just let go.

It was three hours later that I felt his whole body tense.

"Shit!" I cursed as I saw Yugao being held hostage by a lone shinobi. Someone had discovered her identity and held a kunai at her throat.

Before I could even say anything, Hound jumped off the tree and ran like a wild beast let loose. He was insanely fast, I could only run behind him. I called him to no avail. It was only luck that the shinobi noticed him too late. Hound violently pushed Yugao to the side and hit the man who fell to the ground. The speed and force of the hit were such that the two men slid on the forest floor for several feet then both smashed into a tree. The shinobi's skull burst under the impact and Sempai's uniform got covered in blood. We took positions to cover him, but the other men had run away already. Hound sat there, knees on each side of his victim's body, hands still fisted in the other man's tunic. He was immobile, seemingly looking at what he had just done. Yugao was terrified. There was some blood coming from her temple, but she stood just fine. Kuma walked next to me, eyes wide, not entirely sure of what he had just witnessed.

I gestured for him to see how Yugao was doing while I walked toward Hound. I knelt in front of Hound, but he didn't look at me. His attention was still on the man under him. He had slid his hand over his dog mask and was now looking at the thick blood that covered his fingers.

"You almost got Yugao killed," I said reproachingly.

"Almost… but she lived, right?"

He pulled the strap of the dead shinobi's vest pocket and took a red scroll out of it. Without saying a word, he put it into my hand. I recognized it instantly. As infuriating as it was, that part of the mission was a success.

"You knew it was there?" I asked not hiding the frustration in my voice.

He nodded.

I walked away not sure I could keep my calm around him, but as I looked back, I saw that Sempai's hands were shaking imperceptibly. He tilted his head and looked at Yugao who was stretching her muscles under the careful attention of Kuma, and I saw a soft smile on his lips.

"Alive," he repeated as for himself.

I sighed again. Sempai was messing with my head, maybe more today than he ever had before, but this pain... This pain that only I could understand, it was the reason why he was under my care.

I gave the team a small break, then we looked at the scroll and moved ahead. I let Hound lead us onwards, not wanting to turn my back on him. I knew being at the front of our formation would keep him occupied enough that we wouldn't have to worry about what he could do. Seeing his thin body running in front of me I wondered how he would get out of this. If he kept up like this, he would die soon...

When he had been in ANBU, Sempai had been everything to me: a friend, a brother, a mentor… and, if I was honest with myself, he had been even more than that. I had always look up to him for guidance and challenge, and I couldn't count the number of times he had saved my life.

It was now my turn to help.

We arrived at an inn an hour before dusk. I did not let Hound reach his room. I pointed him to a small cubicle with a desk and two chairs and asked him to wait for me there. I made sure Yugao and Kuma were fine before turning back to the small room. I took a deep breath. Now it was time for me to confront the beast.

::

 ** _I admit I was not sure about this chapter. I planned it earlier, then deleted it, then rewrote it differently twice. Hound is becoming quite darker than I had expected, which makes Kakashi ooc **,** but the deeper you sink the sweeter the recovery?_**


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